I’ve been writing one of my mentor’s about the things I’ve been feeling, the thoughts I have running through my head and the things I’ve been sensing. They suggested that I get a group of prayer warriors together and pray that everything would leave. To cast every evil spirit and demon out by name. I did hesitate at first but I did it. I guess I never thought that it would work for me, that I wasn’t worthy of that ‘freedom’ and ‘release.’ I'm glad I did I finally did though; I guess I had finally had enough.
For New Year's Eve and Day the HA had a party. For the count down we all went in to the auditorium and as soon as the New Year started we started to worship. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. I love to worship, but with the way that my mind had been going, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't focus on Christ. The negative thoughts came back and my head raced. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the music or Christ I couldn't. I sat on the floor crying out of pure frustration. Some of my core came over and sat next to me, praying for me. At that moment I hit my bottom. I couldn't deal with it any more I needed everything to leave.
After the worship we were released and I gathered a handful of my core and one of my sister core to talk to. We walked outside and I poured my heart to them. It really does feel better to tell your sin, hurt and pain with others. I told them everything that I had been struggling with the last few months: cutting, suicide, mind racing, self hate, immorality, the demons, the evil, everything. I told them everything. We then moved inside and sat in a corner and prayed. One of the girls prayed for me and then I prayed and then another girl. I didn't really expect to pray but I'm glad I did.
We cast everything out, we commanded everything to leave - I commanded everything to leave and for Satan to let me go. I can't explain what happened that night, but it was amazing. I haven't had a suicidal thought since, I haven't wanted to cut, haven't been depressed. I've been happy - truly happy and full of joy. I feel different, I feel changed. I don't feel that burden, pain, hurt or ache any more. I'm free. I know I'm free. I feel clean and pure. I don't feel controlled by that any more. I'm free!
It sounds weird when I try to explain it, but it's the truth. Prayer really is important and God's name is truly important. I learned that a lot that night. Now that doesn't mean I haven't had those same old thoughts, I have but I've been able to catch them as soon as they start and cast them out. I'm able to catch myself before I let things get too bad. And I was never able to do that before. I never saw them coming. Now I do.
I honestly feel different. I'm honestly a new person. Everyone keeps asking why I'm so happy, it shows, I'm not who I was. It blows my mind that something like that, a change so dramatic, could be so simple.
