Thursday, February 26, 2009

Reflection Essay - January Gauntlet

Going through the January gauntlet week was like going through my gauntlet week again: waking up early, meeting new people, switching rooms, and staying up late for sessions. But the January gauntlet was definitely a lot different than the August (mine) gauntlet; it was a lot more impactful.

My gauntlet week was filled with fear, doubt and timidity. I hardly spoke to anyone, I was quiet, to myself, hid in my bunk, and cried myself to sleep every night. I was so unsure of what I was doing and most importantly what God was doing. As soon as I step foot on Teen Mania soil I was immediately attacked with thoughts of doubt and thought insanity that I made a ‘mistake’ and wasn’t supposed to be at the Honor Academy. And now, six months later, God had worked so much in me that every trace of that fear and timid filled girl was gone. I was (and still am) filled with such joy and hope.

I remember having mini “core” meetings every night during gauntlet; I was terrified when asked to give my thoughts and point of views. I hardly spoke any words and hung my head; my heart hardly connecting with the conversation or the speakers. And this time I surprised myself and my core by opening every night. I would be the first one to speak, give my point of view and what God had shown me.

The first night of the gauntlet was definitely the most impactful to me. Ron Luce was speaking on how this year would be one of dramatic change and growth. He spoke to the Januaries on how they had to leave the hurts behind them and let God heal them; to let God consume them with fire and make them pure. Days before I had been set free from much bondage; this message touched my heart dearly.

After the session we were directly to go outside to a bond fire and to throw anything into the fire that might be holding us back; either psychical, tangible, mental or spiritual – anything that might hold us back from fully letting Christ control our lives. Even though I had done this days before, it reassured the commit I made to Christ; to give him all my bondages and to never look back on them.

I wrote everything that was holding me back on a piece of paper and walked to the fire; with a deep breath and smile I threw the paper in and walked back to my room – determined not to turn back on those things.

A new start, a new year, a new commitment.