the Bridge

A canyon with a big break down the middle. Deep in the break are sharpened sticks and freezing water. If the fall won’t kill you the water will.

A bridge was built long ago but was man made and broke. A new bridge was made by God and is strong.

One side of the canyon is life, the other death.

To get to the other side you need to walk through the fire.

...grace

I’m starting over - again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? It would be different if this was the first time I had to deal with this issue. It would even be understandable if this was the second time. But after the fourth or fifth time, this is just plain stupidity.

So here I am, attempting to relearn this lesson again and I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, and overall – alone.

While looking at this issue, yet again, it’s really sinking in of how selfish I am. How self absorbed I am. How needy I am. How deceitful I am. And how much I need to let God take this away.

So, why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson?
Why is it hard for me to let this issue go?
Why can’t I let God in?

The funny thing is; I know the root to all these questions: I don’t want to let it go. I refuse to let it go. I want it. I will fight to keep it.

For some odd reason I still believe in the lie truth that this issue gives me value. That it will fulfill my needs. That it makes me special.

No matter how much my mind knows that all these statements are false, my heart still believes they’re true. Until I allow God to erase these lie truth’s from my heart I will continue to deal with this issue.

I know the solution seems simple: allow God to fix you. But lie truth’s are tricky. They install themselves into you so deep that you will run from anything that contradicts them.

Plus, there’s another lie truth that’s mixed into this beautiful web of displeasure: I cannot trust God. No matter how much my heart knows this is not true, my mind still believes it is.


So here I sit, typing in anguish and continue to relive this lesson… God give me grace.

Forsaken

"Forsaken"
By Skillet

I recall going madly in love with you
And I remember this
How could I forget?
Regret is a needle
In my neck
It's slowly filling me
With poison
Spreading to my chest

Take my pain and numb me from this

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

I recall pledging my sole devotion to you
It reminds me how
Now I'm on my knees
My guilt consumes
Lost the will in me
Wasting away before you
Hold me closer please

Take my pain and numb me from this

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

Yeah, yeah, yeah
You break me

Forsake
You break me [2x]

You're breaking me

I recall going madly in love with you
And I remember this... Tell me

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Forsaken
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why, why, why, why

Angst

the Bridge

Harvert ALREADY!!

My ever changing life seems to be making yet another turn in a direction I couldn't see - in the dark. And now that I have my eyes slightly more focused I’m still just as confused and unsure.

I’m starting a new season in my life and after the summer I had, of emotional and mental turmoil, I was thrilled to see that the new season had started with promise. A new car, new found freedom, another move and the possibility of a new job; things seemed to finally be going well. And now here I am, sitting making tip-tap sounds on my computer feeling sad and alone.

I moved in with another family a few weeks ago. It seems the more I want to move back to Lindale, the further I move away from it. Now I’m living in Van, TX in a house I’m still trying to adjust to and missing the family I just became a part of. And now that the school year has started again, I’m seeing less and less of my friends that I become dependent on over the summer.

Thoughts from my past have been popping back in my mind lately. The sweet whispers of self-gratification, lust and death ring in my vulnerable ears. They linger in my confused mind causing my thoughts to summersault and my spirit to be on high alert reminding itself of God’s promises.

Sometimes, like now, it feels like all I have in this world is me and Thomas. That everyone around me has a purpose, a life, a journey – and I’m on the sidelines watching. Watching as I bounce around in stupidity and ignorance.

Seasons are hard - I wish the harvest would come already.