Friday, December 31, 2010

After Care

After my first hospitalization I was sent to an outpatient group. One of the projects that you were required to do was to make a bored explaining who you were.

Some of the points you had to hit on were:
~friends
~family
~how you saw yourself
~how you wanted to improve
~and how you saw a “high power”


I broke my board into three pieces: Stella (bottom right), Star (upper left) and Stella Star (center). At this point in my life, I saw myself as three separate people. Stella was the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be. Star was the inner crazy-psychotic girl hiding in the closet. And Stella Star was who I wanted to be, a mixture and combination of the two.

Being true to myself, the board is full of mixed media (ribbon, pictures, clippings, songs, poems, etc). Clippings from Ignite Your Faith Magazine (no-longer published) is used greatly; this magazine meant a lot to me – so it was important that it made the board. Another important item that made the board was my mother’s memory flier handed out at her funeral (in the Stella section).

Looking at the board now I realize that in some aspects I’m still the same, but I have changed greatly. It’s amazing to see how much I’ve changed in four years. This board still means a lot to me, it was who I was and how I felt at that time. It’s a part of my history and I hope to never forget it.


Focusing on the "Star" section.

This section of the board was made black, to represent how I felt – lost, alone and in the dark. This section also has my “glass.” It’s the analogy of the glass half empty or full. I had the glass half full and then wrote words around it of what I wanted to fill it with. Things I wanted to do with my life to make it more full and joyful.


Focusing on the “Stella” section.

This section of the board was made pink, to represent joy and happiness – something I wasn’t feeling. By the way, I hate pink. This section of the board represented what I thought everyone wanted me to be. What I thought was expected of me. What I thought I had to be. But because I couldn’t be it, I pretended a lot. I tried my hardest to place this façade up of what “Stella” should be.


Focusing on the “Stella Star” section.

This section of the board was made purple, to represent my favorite color – to represent the real me. This section of the board holds a lot of my core being: music, art, writing, God and friends/family. This board also holds my “Todd corner.” Todd Hertz was a very influential tool in my life that the Lord used. Todd was the first person I opened up to and was my main mentor in my life for many years. In the middle of this section, is a printed out copy of the lyrics to “Wishes and Dreams” by Stellar Kart. A song that I still aspire to have a romance of.


To view more pictures of my After Care board you can go here.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Don't Run!

I'm having mixed feelings of being home. My mom's faint memory is still vivid. The hurt of when she left. The confusion of Linda. The half-fast-ness of my uncle. And my constant popping in and out of reality. 

Coming home is always hard. It's a bittersweet moment. I love being with friends and family. But the tormenting memories make me numb. 

Why does life have to be so hard? 

Being in Texas, everything that hurt me seems like a bad dream. Like it wasn't real. Like it didn't happen. But being home. Sitting in my room. Walking the halls. Everything floods back. It seems like it just happened. 

The yelling. The screaming. The hitting. The cursing. Ducking. Running. Hiding in my room for safety. Waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I could go to the restroom or get food. 

Everything is screaming at me in my face. And I'm left with the decision of letting it consume me like always or standing strong and fighting it. 


I think I'm strong enough now - to at least try...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 16, 2010

No Comment...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Forsaken Fighter

During my undergrad year at Teen Mania, I found myself sitting in a field of grass, lying on a blanket, reading my Bible, praying and journaling. There I was, in the middle of God's creation and I doubted myself.

I doubted my life, my decisions. I was feeling remorse, shame and guilt. I was at a very low point. And then, God spoke to my heart. And He said, "Don't worry Fighter. Everything will be okay." And at that point, the Lord began to speak to me about how He created me to fight. My spirit is strong and fierce, I was created to fight, to war, and to win. It’s who I am.

At that point I began to write the word "Fighter" on my wrist. It was a daily reminder that that was who I was. That was what I was created to be and to do.

Fight.

Later in the year, I found myself struggling again. This time I felt as if the Lord had left me. That He just went away and I couldn't find Him. I felt lost, abandon and forsaken. After a long season of continual turmoil the Lord revealed to me, that I had turned away from Him. I had abandoned Him. I had Forsaken Him.

After this realization I learned as much as I could about abandonment and being Forsaken. I then began to write the word "Forsaken" on my wrist. To remind myself that I never want to forsake the Lord again and to pray for those you feel forsaken or have been.

Near the end of my time at Teen Mania, I was having a quiet time where I was journaling asking the Lord what I should do. I looked at my wrist and saw Forsaken. My heart ached. My heart was yearning to help those who were hurting and lost.

Then the Lord said "Fighter." I was confused at first and the Lord said it again, "Fighter, put it together." So, I pulled out my Sharpie, extended the 'F' and wrote 'ighter.'

Forsaken Fighter. It was as if God and I said it at the same time. I stared at my wrist and what I had just written. I was in shock. I sat in my chair stunned.

Then the Lord very slowly started to reveal to me that He was calling me to Fight for the Forsaken. I am called to stand up for those who have been 'demeaned' useless, worthless, and unimportant. I am to help in fighting for those that the world has forsaken. I was created to fight for these people who have been hurt, wounded and forsaken by the world. I will love these people. I will comfort them. And I will help them.

But, I'm not only a fighter for the forsaken; I was also a fighter who was forsaken. I was demeaned a lost cause. I was told that I was un-helpable. I was beaten, abused, and almost destroyed. But because of the Fighter spirit in me - I lived.

Once I absorbed as much of this as I could, in one sitting, I stared at my wrist. Could I really do and be what God just revealed to me? Could I really fight and help those that have been thrown away and hurt? Could I, actually be - a Forsaken Fighter?

After this little quiet time, I began to write Forsaken Fighter on my wrist. To remind myself of whom I am. And what I hope to become.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.


For my 23rd birthday, I tattooed Forsaken Fighter onto my wrist. It's a permanent reminder of who I am and what I want to become.

It's also a proclamation to God and against the enemy.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The 23rd Year

Here we are again. Another year has passed, and I’m still in awe of how great, mighty and merciful our God is.

I am 23 years old. I have lived on this earth for 23 years.

That thought - just blows my mind. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that I am “alive.” I am alive, breathing, walking, talking, and thinking. I am living!

I’m not dead. I’m not buried under the ground. I’m not another statistic. But I am living and growing and moving forward. I am ALIVE.

Every time the eighth of December passes on the calendar, I am brought to a standstill. Life moves so quickly sometimes. Life just races on by and sometimes we forget to stop and thank God. But every time December eighth comes around I fall to my knees in praise to the Lord.

I can’t explain how much my birthday means to me. I can’t form words of how thankful I am that I was born and that I’m still living. In my life, I’ve come to realize that life is a vapor. You can blink and it’s gone. Life is so precious. And at one point, it was so worthless to me. I would have and I almost did give everything to end it all. I almost passed up my life, my future and my destiny.

I never understood why I didn’t die, why all my attempts failed. And even now, I don’t know how I survived. But now, I am thankful that I did. God saved me, and even though I still don’t know why, at least now I’m moving in His plan instead of against it.

I am 23 years old.
I AM 23 YEARS OLD!

Thank you God.


Thank you.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Monday, December 6, 2010

It’s TIME.

This past year, has been very interesting. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I've learned so much, grown so much, and matured so much. I feel like I'm getting "there." Like I'm finally semi becoming an adult.

I'm at a place in my life, where I feel semi stable. For the last few years I've just floated. I've bounced from one place to another, to another. Trying to find my nitch, trying to find where I belong.

I've come to the conclusion that a location doesn't matter. That it’s who I’m around and what I’m doing. A location, a job, a house, an economical status doesn’t make me who I am. I do, God does, and my testimony, faith and courage make me who I am. Sure, having a place to live is nice. Having a reliable car is good. And not worrying about bills is awesome. But they’re not important. Doing and being where God wants me to be is all that matters.

So, in taking another step (leap) in faith I’m moving to Colorado Springs, CO in the beginning of the New Year (2011). I know - how many moves can I make in one year? I don’t even want to attempt to count. This new move, by far, is the biggest and riskiest one I’m going to have made in the last two years.

In the last two years that I’ve lived in Texas I found my family (the Woolfords’), found my spiritual parents (the Moyers’), found my ‘mom’ (Elizabeth), found my lifelong friends (the Mullins’ and the Charles’), and most importantly – I found myself.

I’ve discovered that I’m strong, brave, stubborn, timid, creative, beautiful and independent. I’ve discovered who I am in Christ.

These last two years have been hard, nerve racking, heart breaking, relieving, strengthening, tough and freeing. Texas has been a safe haven. I place where I could be protected, watched and mended. These last two years were for me to find my footing and stand on my own two feet.

And now that I’m wobbly standing, it’s time for me to walk forward.

I knew this season was coming to an end. I felt in my spirit that it was coming to the point where it was time for me to leave. And now that this time has come, it’s a bittersweet moment for me. I will miss my life here in Texas. But I know it’s time to walk in my freedom and become equipped to fight for my God.

This is a defining moment for me, I know it, and I’m praying that I will act in the proper way. It’s time for me to start my ministry. It’s time for me to help others. It’s time for me to proclaim what I believe. It’s time that I become dependent on God. And it’s time for me to stand up for myself.

It’s time.

Thomas and I are in the process of packing and adjusting to our new lives. And even though I’m scared, nervous and a tad bit skittish - I know God has my back.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

GivesMeHope.com