It will be Okay

The last few years have been hard on me in many ways, but one key issue that continues to make me doubt and have fear - is finances.

When I first started to “live my own life,” I relied heavily on a family that was helping me get on my own feet. Before them, I relied heavily on my dad for everything I needed. After I was able to (semi) provide for myself, I was able to not rely as much on the family or on my dad. However, things happen and I end up having to rely/ask for help.

One person, that is always there for me, and I know will always be there for me – is my dad. This past summer I borrowed money from my dad. He told me that he wanted the money by Christmas. At the time, I had no doubt in my mind that I would be able to pay him back. But, as life goes my circumstances changed and it became less and less of a reality that I would be able to pay him back.

The last few weeks, I’ve been getting more hours and working extra shifts. I’ve been trying to get extra money anywhere I can. When I received my check this past week, I was extremely blessed to find that I was given enough money to pay back my dad.

I came home after depositing the check and went to my file folder to grab my checkbook but couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere in the file folder. I than started to look throughout my room, but still couldn’t find it. Through this whole situation, I continued to tell myself that it would be fine and that my checkbook was somewhere in my room.

However, I couldn’t help but to feel as if everything was against me to pay my dad back. I try so hard to make him proud of me. I try so hard to do things that he would approve of. I don’t like when I disappoint him.

While in a high emotional panic of looking for my checkbook, I stopped and prayed that I would be able to find my checkbook to pay my dad back. I than cleaned up my room, while looking for the checkbook, and once again looked through my file folder. And right where it always is, I found my book.

I took the checkbook out of the file, wrote my check and placed the checkbook back. I than drove to the post office and mailed the package, along with the check, that I had for my dad for Christmas.

I got a call from my dad today saying he received the package.

“Thank you for the card, and the check. I had completely forgotten about the money. Thank you for keeping your word… I’m proud of you. At least I know you got one thing from me. My word.”

My dad always jokes that I’m my mother’s daughter. He also says that he’s very glad that I got most of her traits, morals and principles. He always says that he’s happy I’m more like her, than like him. To hear my dad say that he’s proud of me and that he’s glad that I got a trait from him – makes me happier than I can express.

I don’t get my dad’s verbal approval often, but to know that he recognizes the attempts I’m making gives me hope that one day everything will be okay.

Merry Christmas

This is my first Christmas, where I’ve been away from family. I’ve always celebrated this holiday with one form of a family. It’s been a very hard and difficult day. And, the fact that I feel alone on this special day isn’t helping very much.

I know this holiday is one that is supposed to be filled with remembrance of our saviors’ birth. Yes, I am very thankful that Jesus chose to come to earth as a human child and then chose to die for me so I wouldn’t have to – die.

However, the holiday is also supposed to be a holiday where we spend time with family and reflect on our love for one another. At least, that’s what I believe this holiday is supposed to be. I believe that Christmas has a double meaning; a day for remembrance of our savior and for reflection of our family.

And even though I can celebrate and remember my saviors’ birth on my own (and with God), I can’t have the love and care of my family on my own. I guess that’s what I’m missing the most this holiday- feeling the love of my family.

I know my Lord loves me. I’ve finally learned that. However, sometimes I can’t or don’t believe that others can or do love me. Holidays filled with close friends and family help to instill that in me.

Being unable to have a “normal” holiday this past year has really been taking its toll on me.

I can’t wait to be with my family again. I really miss them.

Eye

Not Like the Movies

"Not Like the Movies"
By Katy Perry

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And that's just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And you're, you're looking for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it will be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

The 24th Year

I’m 24 years old, today.

Twenty-Four Years Old.
The week leading to this day, was filled with lots of different emotions. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m so happy that I can celebrate my birth. I’m still in awe that the Lord saw fit to save me from myself. But with all the joy and happiness that came with this day, fear also came with it.

Am I wasting my life?
What do I have to show for 24 years?
What am I doing with this gift that the Lord gave me?

This past year of life, I did a lot struggling. Struggling with myself. Struggling with God. This year has been hard, tough, lonely, and difficult. But I’ve learned a lot about myself. And about God.

I realize this was the perfect time for God to show me He had my back. For the first time in years, my life is stable. So with nothing to worry about (ie: job, home, vehicle, etc.) the Lord was able to work with me on an issue that was very close to my heart.

Even though, I don't feel like I've had a whole lot of growth this year. I know I've learned that I can take care of myself (with the Lord's watchful eye) and that I don't need others to watch over me. I've also learned that I can provide for myself, I don't need people to give me money, food, or a roof over my head. I am able and strong enough to do it myself.

I learned that I can provide myself a living. Something I never thought I could do. I guess deep down, I never believed I would be able to provide for myself.

I also learned that I don't need to be in the middle of a 'spiritual' place to feel the Lord or to have the Lord see me. I learned that anywhere I went the Lord would also be there. He's never going to be far away.

I learned that this is what my 23rd year was for. For me to learn my dependence on the Lord and for the Lord to show me that I'm strong and that He'll never leave.

I can’t believe I’ve made it to see the day of my 24th birthday. The Lord has been with me up to this day, up to this year. And He will be with me for my many years to come.

I’m alive for a reason; I just need to use the years to come to figure out that reason. And if I’m doing that, than I’m not wasting my gift. Because at least I’m trying to do something with it than purposely wasting it like I was.

I’m 24 years old today. Thank you God.

~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Birthday Memories

[Daddy Owl]
[Reference picture]
I wanted an owl cake this year for my birthday. It was a fun and interesting learning adventure.


[Owlets]
I found these owl cupcakes and just had to make them to go with daddy owl.


My Build-A-Bear for my birthday. I named her Melissa.

"voices"

Lately I’ve become obsessed with watching TV series on DVD. I’ve been able to find a lot of my favorite shows at the local library.

One of the shows I was able to find, ‘Touched by an Angel,’ I remember watching this when I was little. I remember watching it on ‘prime time’ with my mother. Mom would sit on her bed and I would crawl behind her and we’d watch it together. I remember the laughter, the tears and the gasps of astonishment.

Re-watching the show, now that I’m older, brings me even more joy. Yes, the show is fiction and no the writers might not have gotten everything correct. But there is truth in the lessons that the “angels” try to bring to the humans they interact with.

One of the episodes I watched tonight, touched close to my heart. A little girl named Melissa was sent to a child psychologist because she was hearing “voices” – angels. Once the doctor spoke to Melissa and found out what the voices were, he instantly diagnosed her as a critical case and placed her on medication. Throughout the episode, Melissa was used as a tool to help heal the doctor. In the end, the doctor believed in God and angels again and Melissa could once again hear the angels once she was taken off the medication.

To the doctor, there was no possibility that Melissa could really be hearing angels. She was either extremely ill or making it up. There was no way that she could really be hearing angels. Growing up, I had this fear. Fear that no one would believe me if I spoke up. That people would label me as ‘weird’ or ‘crazy.’

A few years ago, I went to a Christian counselor and I told them about the “voices” that I heard. For the first time, I admitted to another person that I could hear angels and that I could hear and see demons. I opened up fully and freely, feeling for the first time in my life a sense of relief over this situation.

Later I found out that my worst fear came true. The counselor said that I was a ‘critical’ case and that I was beyond their expertise and recommended that I see a doctor who had more experience in this “issue.” The counselor said that my “voices” were a symptom of my depression.

At that moment, I instantly shut down. I didn’t know how to react to the words that the counselor said. They said very hurtful things, things that I struggled with for weeks. The comments the counselor said rang in my mind.

Was I really a lost cause?
Was I truly sick?
Were the voices my depression playing with my mind?

But God being the merciful savior that He is placed people in my life to pick me up in my weak state. And once again I found the courage to open up about my “voices.” By reopening this part of my life, the Lord healed my broken spirit by letting me met others who also had the gift of ‘seeing.’ He also placed people in my life that had the faith to believe me.

Looking back at that moment of freedom, where I allowed people into that part of my life that I kept hidden, I realize that this was the first brick to be removed from the wall of my harden heart. The fear that I allowed to engulf me kept me from the freedom that I desperately needed.

I hope and pray that others like me and Melissa will be able to find the courage and strength to one day set free the gift that is inside them.

And I pray that when they do, their path won’t cross people that won’t believe in their gift.

Growing Pains

My birthday is a week away.

In seven short days I will be 24 years old.

And I’m slightly freaking out.

Birthdays are a big deal to me. They were a big deal to my mom and are to my aunt. Not being able to celebrate this birthday with family or close friends is making me uncomfortable.

Birthdays have come to mean a lot to me the last few years. And the fact that I have been living so many has me panicked that I’m not putting the years I have been living to good use.

I always thought I’d be dead before my 21st birthday. I never thought I’d live past 20. And now here I am at almost 24 and I still have no clue what I’m doing. Or why I’m alive.

I’m grateful, that the Lord spared my life. That He didn’t open the gates of heaven when I came knocking. I’m just afraid that I’m wasting the extra time He’s given me.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.