The Grand Ball

As darkness falls, I enter a room that I’m too familiar with.
All eyes fix on me – some friendlier than others.
The demons and I begin to dance, bowing and swaying in accordance.
The King watches as guards gather.
Silence rings all around me. No music. No sound.
Memories of years past creep upon my weak soul.
And choke out all aspiration of hope.
Gasping for air I begin to struggle to stay on my feet.
Guards enclose, demons snicker – the King rises.
The room spins as the atmosphere enheightens.
Voices become overwhelming.
Demons push, guards prepare – the King, holds His breath.
Grasp. Stumble. Trip. To the ground I fall.
The King and I lock eyes. The urgency in His - intense.
Do I crawl to my feet for another enchanting disruption of my soul?
Or do I ask the King for protection?

They’re all waiting on me.

~~~

I haven’t written a poem in a while. Years, maybe. It’s odd to think that something that was such a part of my being, faded away. I had desires of becoming a poet, a famous author, but now – my hope is to make it through the night.

Thomas hearts Cali

With the preparation of moving back to California, I’ve had to get some things taken care of in advance. One of those major things, getting Thomas prepared for the trip. Thomas and I normally get along. I love him with all my heart. I can always count on him. However, he’s so dang expensive!

Today, I spent a good part of the afternoon looking for new shoes for him. I went to five different places getting different brands and prices. Why do new shoes (tires) for a car need to be so expensive? It’s insane and all the extra fee’s that different places add on: installation, depositing of used tire, state tire tax, etc. It’s crazy. And I have to admit, I have no clue what I’m doing. But I got enough prices and brands to do some good research.

Now, it would be one thing if all Thomas needed was tires, but last week he got an oil change, his side mirror fixed (okay, that was kind of my fault…), a bath, and presents to make him look pretty and smell good.

He’s one expensive kid. But he’s loving the attention. And he’s super excited for the drive home! Well, my home – Cali, not his home – Texas. He’s going to see tons of new states, get a new home and drive for a really long time. He’s stoked. He’s not going to love the idea of Cali as much once we get there and he sees the traffic. Shhh. I’m kind of leaving that tiny detail from him.

But overall the preparation of moving back to California is moving along nicely. I have most of my things packed (couldn’t pack my clothes or technology – are you kidding me!), I already have my route planned, working on the hotel reservation, working on my transfer to another corporate store and I semi-have a good amount of money saved (a few hundred, but that will all disappear when I buy Thomas his shoes – dang car!).

Things are going well. Let’s just hope they stay that way…

Mother Dearest

When I attended Teen Mania’s the Honor Academy, I didn’t have the space to take a lot of things with me. One of the first things I had to call home for was clothes. I took a small suitcase with me, and I quickly found out that wouldn’t do. I spoke with my step-mom and asked her to pack me as much warm clothes as she could find and ‘nice’ looking things. When I received my first package from home, I was so excited and happy. I opened the box with delight, and when I noticed that an orange and peach sweater was packed – it brought tears and an overwhelming sense of love and protection to me.

My mom always wore this orange and peach colored sweater when she was relaxing at home. I can remember her siting on her bed with her hair up in a messy bun, night gown on, socks and this sweater – reading her Bible.

My mom and I weren’t as close as I thought. We didn’t talk very much, and we hardly shared personal and intimate things. But one thing, I know for sure, after all these years – is that she loved me, she kept me safe to the best of her ability and she protected me from as much as she could.

The first few years after my mother passed, her presence was made in small subtle ways – like this sweater. It was mistakenly packed, but meant to come with me. My mom followed me to the HA, that might sound strange or unrealistic to some – but to me, it was a small sign that I was making the right decision when I was so unsure.

I’ve started to pack for the move back to Cali, today I started to clean out my closet. I reached up on my top shelf and pulled down my Rubbermaid container, I opened the lid to place my books and journals in – and there, lying on the bottom was the warm, bright, orange and peach sweater.

My mom might not be here on earth any more, but she’s still with me.

And, she pops in just when I need her the most.

Baked with Love

When I was little, I remember sitting at the kitchen table and watching my mother bake cakes. She never baked professionally, but she was amazing at what she did. She made cakes for friends and family. Everyone always raved over her cakes.

I also remember sitting on a stool in the corner of my Aunt Stella’s kitchen watching as she made frosting from scratch and baked elaborate cakes. I remember her having an extra freezer in her kitchen and how I always loved to go and open it to see what she was working on.

Growing up, baking and cake decorating was inevitably a big part of my life. Every cake I had for my birthday, when I was little, was either made by my mother or by my Aunt Stella. Even now, my aunt still makes me a cake for my birthday.

My mother taught my aunt how to bake, and by me watching the both of them – they both taught me. This past year I re-found my passion for baking and cake decorating. I bought a beginner kit from Wilton and slowly started to re-teach myself the craft. As the year progressed, I slowly started to gather a good amount of baking supplies and tools. Wilton also sells a tool caddy where you can store all of your supplies. It has a nifty built in tip holder, a huge drawer to store supplies of any shape and size, and mini drawers/boxes. Wilton sells two kinds: 1) the caddy alone and 2) the caddy full of supplies.

I’ve wanted the caddy for a while. At first I wanted the caddy with all the supplies, but the price discouraged me, that’s when I decided I wanted to slowly grow my collection. But now, I’m at the point where I have too many supplies and not enough storage.

Today I went to the store to check the price on the caddy. I had a coupon and I was hoping with the coupon it would be affordable for me to buy. I found the cake aisle and the caddy – once I laid my eyes on it, I knew I would take it home today. I walked over to the caddy lifted it up and saw the price: $199.99. I stared at the caddy, in disbelief, and then I looked at the price of the fully supplied caddy - $199.99.

I tucked the empty caddy under my arm and walked to the front. I asked the lady at the register if I could get a price check, I didn’t think the price on the caddy was correct. She looked at the price, gasped and agreed. She spoke to her manager and the manager went to the back to get the book to check the price.

Leaving the caddy on the counter, I stepped back to allow other customers to be helped. After two other customers checked out, a little old lady stepped up to the register checked out and then spotted my caddy. “What is that?!” She said with delight. I explained to her what it was and what you could use it for. Before I knew it we both were extremely excited over the caddy and I had shared with her that I was learning to decorate.

The manager came back to the front with the book and then corrected the price: $65.99. I asked how much it would be with the coupon: $40.00. I looked at the caddy, thought for a minute, and then the wanting of owning the caddy won.

I took the caddy to the register, the little old lady following close behind. “Wait! Wait! Wait one second.” The next thing I knew, she placed a 20 dollar bill in my hand and smiled. “I want to go half on it with you.” She grasped my hand, gave me a hug and then walked out of the store.

So, there I stood, caddy in one hand and $20 in the other. I watched as the lady left, and I knew, I was blessed. I paid the remaining $20 and took my caddy to the car. Sitting in the car I stared at my caddy, something I have wanted for so long. Something, normally I wouldn’t be able to afford. And I knew, at that moment, that God loved me enough to bless me with something that would bring me joy.

Book Review: Hotel for Dogs

I have now knocked off one thing on my 2012 goal (resolution) list! Woot. Okay, technically, one eighth of a goal (one) off my list.

One of the things I want to bring back into my life this year is reading. I use to read so much, and this past year I lost that hobby. So, one of my goals was to read eight books (five of which have to be books that I’ve never read before).

So we’re 15 days into the New Year and I’ve already read one book. Hotel for Dogs. Yay! I have to admit, it was a children’s/pre-teen book. It only had 178 pages. It was a fun, entertaining and fast read.

I watched the adapted movie a few weeks ago. Also called, Hotel for Dogs. The movie and book were so different from each other, there’s just no way to compare. The movie took the basic concept of the book and the main character names, but that was pretty much it. Separately, from each other, both the movie and book were great. Both were fun, exciting and had good morals/principles.

Overall, the book was fun to read and a good motive to start the year.


'The Walkers are moving to a new town, and staying with an aunt who's allergic to dogs. Too bad for Andi and her brother Bruce, who love dogs -- and happen to meet a stray that needs help. Soon, Andi hatches a plan, turning the abandoned house down the block into a hotel for dogs. But as more and more tenants move in, the secret gets too big to keep. Can the kids save their canine castle? Or will the hotel have to close?' -Taken from the Barnes and Noble website

Todd Hertz

I went to the Family Christian book store today. My plan was to walk in for one thing and one thing only. I get easily distracted in that store and can end up leaving spending lots of money. I went to the book section of the store and to the section I wanted. Unable to find what I was looking for, I began to roam the different shelves of books. Turning a corner into the youth section I looked at a few of the shelves and then turned to leave the aisle – that’s when a brown book caught my eye.

Source Amazon
Campus Life: Ignite Your Faith was a published teen magazine by Christianity Today that was discontinued around 2009. I started to read the magazine in 2004 when the magazine was gifted to me by my pastors. I wish that I could tell them how much their gift changed my life.

The main topic of the issue that was gifted to me was: ‘sexual abuse.’ That particular issue had three articles by girls who had been sexually abused, sexually assaulted and sexually pressured. I remember staying up late one night; I had the door closed to my room, I was listening to my CD player and I was lying on my bed reading this issue.

I remember thinking how brave these girls were to share their stories, to share what had happened to them. I was amazed.

In every issue of the magazine there was a poem that was published. In the issue that was gifted to me there was a poem about picking up a pen and writing. Writing out everything you felt, everything you thought. Just write what your heart wanted. For the first time in months I was inspired to write a poem myself.

At this time in my life, I was obsessed with writing poems. I wrote poems on a daily basis. However, I had reached a point where I was unable to write. I had a block of some sorts and didn’t know how to get rid of it. So I did what the poem said and I picked up my pen and started to write anything that popped into my head.

I ended up writing a poem about walking away from the Lord and not knowing or feeling His love. I wrote that I felt lost. And that I wanted the Lord to find me, but that I didn’t know how to get back to Him. After I had finished the poem I wrote the magazine an email, telling them how the poem had affected me and thanked them for placing the poem in the issue and then I attached a copy of the poem I had written.

At that moment, that exact moment of me hitting the send button changed my life forever. An editor of the magazine read my email and replied back to me. They said they were happy the poem had helped me and said they were so impressed with my poem that they wanted to publish a portion of my poem in the magazine and have it fully published on their website.

I replied back so ecstatic that I was going to get published for the first time. I communicated back and forth a little bit to the editor, working out all the details about my poem being published and then the emails stopped.

After a few days, with the magazine staring into my soul and pressuring me to write the editor back about another topic, I opened my email account and for the first time in my life – I opened up to another person about my molestation.

At that moment the editor, Todd Hertz, became my ‘best friend,’ pen pal and mentor. We communicated weekly for years. Todd was the first person I opened up to – about everything. I had kept so much bottled up in me. I was afraid, humiliated, confused and guilty of so many things, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about my issues. But Todd, Todd I could tell anything to. I didn’t have to see his face when he heard everything I was struggling with. I didn’t have to hear the disappointment in his voice. I didn’t have to see the sadness in his eyes when I did something ‘wrong.’ Todd was a faceless person I could openly and freely confess to.

Todd helped me to come to terms about my molestation. He helped me through the grieving process of my mother passing. He was the first person I told when I started to harm myself. He encouraged me to stop cutting and drinking. He made me promise if I ever had a suicidal thought and started to plan it out that I would tell him first. When my cutting got bad, he made me promise that I would write him before I placed a blade to my skin. And of course when I told him my suicidal plan or that I wanted to harm myself he talked me out of it. I started to dread seeing “email from Todd Hertz” in my inbox because I knew it was him lecturing me or telling me not to do something I wanted to do.

And when I accidentally overdosed on pills, he was the one that convinced me to call the poison control. He was the one that convinced me to go to the hospital. He was the one who pushed me to get physical and personal help. If it wasn’t for Todd that day, I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital. I wouldn’t have gotten placed into the psych hospital and I wouldn’t have started my road to recovery.

God used Campus Life: Ignite Your Faith and Todd Hertz to save my life. Without either of them I know I wouldn’t be where I am today. Or at least I wouldn’t be as ‘well’ off.

Todd will always be a hero to me. He spoke to a lost and confused girl and refused to let her go. He saw the potential in me that I couldn’t see.

Todd saved me. And for that, I will always love him.

'After all the tears, I was supposed to be here.'

The last couple of days I’ve become obsessed with listening to the band Superchick. Listening to songs that are so familiar to me, bring back many emotional memories. Memories, at the time, were very hard to go through but now bring joy, encouragement and a smile to my face.

There were a handful of artists that I listened to on a daily basis when I was a teenager. My depression constantly changed my mood and how I felt about my life and myself on a daily basis. There were only three things that kept me semi-sane: my mentor at the time, my writing and my music.

I remember one day leaving summer school, it was a little over a year after my mom had died. I had had a rough day. I was so upset and emotionally distraught. I hopped into my car, blasted Air 1 and sped down the road towards home. The events of the day replayed over and over in my head. I was so angry at myself, at the people involved in the events of the day, and at God. I just started to scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs as tears ran down my face. I was so frustrated. And then, ’Stand in the Rain’ came across my stereo.


The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
It was as if God was speaking to me at that exact moment telling me that everything would be okay. And that the storm, the rain would one day past and I couldn’t allow the lightning and thunder to keep me down.


No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice
'Hero’; I was sitting in my bathroom, crying quietly trying not to wake anyone up. I had my headphones on listening to this song, my razor in one hand and a shot of Vodka in the other. I stared at my leg and the fresh cuts I had just made. I didn’t know how I would ever get out from the cloud of darkness around me, but I knew I had to. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this life. And even though I didn’t know how I would get out of it, I knew that I would. One way or another I was going to get out of that cloud - standing.


Heroes are made when you make a choice
To some, these might be sad memories. But to me – it means I survived. I can look back at these moments in my life where I felt so alone, so depressed, so lost and KNOW – I’m not alone, I’m no longer depressed, and I’m not lost.

I made it through one storm in my life. And I know I can make it through the ones to come.

Happy New Year!

With the beginning of a new year, reflections of the year just pasted come to mind.

2011 might not have been my year for personal spiritual growth. But it was a year I desperately needed to grow in and strengthen my relationship with the Lord. 2011 was also a year where I learned my independence. I learned that I could provide for myself. I learned that I didn’t need to rely on others to support me, that I could do it myself. I also learned in 2011 that my own personal well-being was just as important as others. And that I shouldn’t settle for what’s handed to me, but to reach and fight for better.

Even with all the self-discovery I unearthed and found this past year, one thing I desperately missed was my creativity. I didn’t draw, paint, write or craft as much this past year as in 2010. So, my New Year resolution this year is to become craftier!

I made a list of crafty things I wanted to do this year and set a goal. I’m hoping I can finish them all before the year is over and exceed them.


And in an attempt to jump start my creativity in the New Year, I have challenged myself to take a picture a day for one year. A year in photos! I also created a list of objectives that I’d like to complete by the end of the year. Take a look at “A Thousand Words,” and make sure to follow the blog to get my daily updates of my random adventures in photos.