Saturday, July 28, 2012

Beautiful with my Scars


"Fear: That my depression will defeat & define me.
Dream: To be able to say I'm beautiful with my scars."
Source: To Write Love On Her Arms

I’m not ashamed of my scars. And I hope that I never will be. My scars are who I am. They’ve helped make and mold me into whom I am today.

I don’t glorify them however, I’m not proud that I placed them on my skin. I don’t try to justify or defend them. I know that placing a blade to my skin wasn’t smart, and that it didn’t take away the pain. I know now that self-harm and suicide doesn’t solve or help. It’s a rotting Band-Aid that only infects.

I struggle on a constant basis with my depression and sadness. I’ll admit this past week I thought about cutting and suicide. I even played with the idea for a second. One second. And then the second second, I realized what I was doing and I immediately repented and forced myself to think different thoughts.

I’m afraid that I will allow myself to believe in the lie that ‘cutting is okay.’ I’m afraid that I will become deeply depressed and that I will truly consider suicide as the ‘only option.’ I’m afraid that all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for ‘nothing.’ I’m afraid that I will live my life uneventfully and that I will not lead anyone to Christ. I’m afraid of wasting my life…

But then I look at my scars and I remember that I survived. I remember that I’m a Forsaken Fighter. And I remember that God healed my broken Heart for a reason. And that gives me hope.

Hope, that maybe, breathing is enough.
For now.

---

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. - Taken off the TWLOHA Facebook page.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day of Joy

I have amazing friends. I was a little unsure yesterday about today. Today marks 7 years since my mom has been in heaven.

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to celebrate this day instead of mourning it. I usually plan things on July 7th that with be fun and joyful. But this year the date kind of crept up on me without warning. With no plans made and anxiety around the corner, my friends jumped into action and changed their plans to be with me.

One friend picked me up and we headed to the mall to Build a Bear, to buy Ruth her present and then we met up with another friend where we gorged on food and had way too much laughter.

It was a nice unexpected day. I feel so blessed to have people who love me so much that they support me in my weakness.

Lunch with friends. 
 
Ruth, the Build a Bear I made in remembrance of my mom.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Seven Years

This afternoon an extreme sense of anxiety overwhelmed me. I've had a couple of panic attacks this afternoon, which has now become uncommon for me. I use to get them often a few years ago, but the last couple of years I haven't had hardly any.

Tomorrow, July 7th, marks seven years since my mother has passed. This will be the second time I've been home for the date. I think me being in my dad's house is what's getting to me. It's all too familiar.

The other times I've been in different states doing different things. I've always had something planned, something to distract me. This year, I don't have anything planned. It kind of snuck up on me. I was doing fine until this afternoon when I became extremely anxious, nervous and overwhelmed.

Overall, I think I'm doing great with dealing with tomorrow. I'm not sad, depressed, down or dreading it. I wasn't really feeling any emotion about the day until this afternoon.

I know it’s the enemy trying to shake me. I’m trying my best to not allow him too. I’ve been praying against anxiety, shame, guilt, sadness and death.  

And I know if I keep my thoughts and emotions on God, He’ll get me through it.

He always does.