Sunday, August 19, 2012

Hungry?

The Hunger Games came out on DVD yesterday. I wasn’t able to see it in the theatres. I desperately want to see this movie. Saturday (yesterday) I drove to almost all the RedBox’s in my area to find the movie, but by the time I got there it was gone. Today (Sunday) again, I drove to different RedBox’s to get the movie, but once I got there the movie was gone. I was starting to get a little frustrated. I opened the RedBox app on my iPhone and once again checked to see what kiosk’s had the movie.

‘The market across the street, I can totally get that one!’ I hopped in my car, drove to the market and rushed inside. As I turned the corner to the RedBox there was a man standing at the kiosk, he hit The Hunger Games icon and started to read the description.

‘Please don’t let that be the only one in the box.’ I wished into the atmosphere. He stood there for a minute reading the description as I became more anxious. ‘No. NO! Don’t get the movie. DON’T GET THE MOVIE!’ I pleaded with my mind. He then hit ‘add to cart,’ paid for the movie and walked away. I walked up to the box, hit the button to see what was inside and The Hunger Games was no longer available.

Once home I sat in the car and laughed to myself over the random circumstances. “It was right there. RIGHT THERE! I saw it and then it was gone!” I said out loud to my empty car. “I never see you this worked up when you miss church. ‘I could have gotten healed. But I missed the service. Dang it!’ or ‘Lord I could have had an amazing encounter with you but I chose not to. I was so foolish!’” I felt God mocking me and teaching me a lesson at the same time.

That’s how things usually work, isn’t it? We get angry and upset over not getting physical/earthly things. But who cares about the spiritual gifts from God that pass over our head? The thought never crosses our mind that we should be upset.

How many gifts do we pass up on a daily basis? Imagine, God has this life changing miracle for us but we decided that we don’t want to follow Him and head in a different direction. It’s Sunday morning and we stay in bed instead of going to church. And we lose the opportunity to be prayed over to break the hardship we’re struggling with.

I don’t want to imagine how many times I’ve passed up God or His gifts for me. But I know I am going to try and be more observant of what I could be passing up.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Compassion

When I lived in Colorado every time I exited a certain ramp off the highway there was always a man at the end of the off-ramp asking for money. I always saw the same two men, one who had a military duffel bag and one with a dog.

When I saw these men, my heart went out to them. I always wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to give them money, I was afraid they wouldn’t spend it on food or water. So instead, I prayed for them. Every time I saw one of them I prayed that the Lord would watch over, protect and provide for them. I even prayed for the dog.

Lately I’ve been asked by a few people if I could “spare some change.” I say no, mostly because I don’t carry cash, but also because that fear is still in me. I want to help people. I want to stop starvation and end homelessness, but I know at this moment that’s most likely improbable.


I’ve been crafting a lot lately and since I’m not good at measuring how much product I need, I find myself constantly going to the store to buy more. I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, into a space, grabbed my bag, closed my car door and started walking towards the entrance. A woman came up to me, told me her story and asked if I could spare any money. I told her no, sorry and entered the building.

Her story repeated over and over in my head while I shopped. She needed money to buy food for her dogs. I went to the dog food aisle, grabbed two packets of inexpensive dog food and prayed. “Lord, if she truly needs this food please allow me to see her when I leave.”

And that was it. My mind was at rest.

I’ve attempted this a few times before, getting people what they’re asking for instead of giving them money. The first few times didn’t work out like I had thought, they rejected the food. But I knew that God would honor my prayer.

I paid for my things and walked out the door. I was looking down, at my bag, and when I lifted my head – there she was, crossing the aisle I had parked my car. I called out to her and told her I wasn’t able to give her money, but I had bought her food. She smiled, took the food and seemed truly happy. She thanked me and walked away.

“God bless you.” She called out to me.

God bless you too.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Closer

 "So keep your head up high and dust off your shoulders
It's alright, no, it's not over
Love is here, it came to dry up all your tears
Oh, can you feel it
Gotta believe it, gotta see it
By your side in the middle of the night
So keep your head up high and the dust off your shoulders
It's alright, no it's not over"

-'Headphones' by Britt Nicole

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Catch and Stop

My mind has defiantly been a battlefield the last few days. I am glad to say that I’m winning. It’s hard to stand on your own, especially when you’re fighting your own thoughts. It’s like you’re trapped, in your own mind.

I’ve become obsessed with watching Criminal Minds lately. One of the characters is Dr. Spencer Reed. He’s a super genius with tons of doctorates and masters. He’s socially awkward, is usually unsure of himself and has a schizophrenic mother. His greatest fear is that he too will be diagnosed with this disorder.

Throughout the series Reed struggles with keeping his mind in order and clear. In an episode a sociopathic teenage boy went to Reed and admitted that he was struggling with his thoughts and emotions. Reed instantly related to the boy and tried to help in any way. One of the other characters confronted Reed telling him that he wasn’t responsible for the boy. “I know how it feels to be afraid of your own mind,” Reed responded.

I wonder how many people know this feeling. I know as an adolescent I was terrified of my mind – at moments, I still am. I surrounded myself with loud music and books to distract myself and to drown out the noise. I wanted my mind to stop racing. I wanted to stop all my thoughts and all my desires. My desires felt as if they controlled me. I wanted to want to stop harming myself.

At the end of the episode the boy tried to kill himself. The boy thought if he killed himself he would be saving all the lives he would take in the future. Reed saved him. Reed confessed to one of his superiors that he was glad that he saved the boy, but he was afraid that he might have saved a soon to be murder. “What if he starts killing when he’s older?” Reed asked. “Then you catch him and stop him.”

Catch him and stop him. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? To identify the issue and then correct or destroy it. When your mind feels so out of control, you’re aware that something could be wrong but you don’t know how to fix it. I thought about and attempted suicide, I thought it was the only way to make my mind stop racing. It wasn’t until I realized that I had to take ONE thing at a time and correct it, until my mind started to slow down.

It took me a while, but I slowed down my mind and I regained control of it. It was a hard, messy and stretching journey – but I made it through. I also realized that I couldn’t heal myself. I had to rely on experienced others and on God. I had to trust that He had a plan and a future for me, and that He would get me there.

And He did. And He is.

“I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Glory shows up
Exposes us
I’m naked here
Forsaken here
By the dark
By the dark
Damn the dark.”
-"In the Dark" by Flyleaf

Monday, August 6, 2012

In the Dark


"In the Dark"
By FlyLeaf


I’ve written songs
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
I’ve felt inspired
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
I hide myself
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
Used to be afraid
Of the dark, of the dark, of the dark, of the dark
Those in the light know we die
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark

There’s only artificial light here
My flaws hide well here
I used to be afraid of cluttered noises
Now I’m afraid of silence
Fill this space
Idle words

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Now I am mute despite myself
All of them are gone
The silence overtakes me
The idle words forsake me
And I am left to face me

I’m held accountable
For every idle word
Curse the idle words

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Glory shows up
Exposes us
I’m naked here
Forsaken here
By the dark
By the dark
Damn the dark

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Waiting.

You know those romantic comedies that usually have a main female character in her late 20’s/early 30’s and all she sees are couples, people getting married and babies. And throughout the whole movie she’s trying to find the ‘one’ so she can start ‘living her life’ and live ‘happily ever-after’ with two children running around in a backyard enclosed by a white picket-fence. Along the way funny/awkward moments happen and she usually grows as a person or learns something about herself. Then at the end she finds the ONE and either marries him or gets engaged, then the movie ends and you’re left to think: What happens next?

I’ve been feeling like that ’girl’ lately. Not that I’m heavily searching for the one, but everywhere I look I see people paired off, a lot of my friends/acquaintances are either getting engaged or married, and babies are popping out all around me. And all I can think of: Where are their lives going to go from here?

Right after I graduated from The Honor Academy, it seemed like everyone in my class quickly started to court, got engaged or got married. Now, of course it wasn’t everyone but it felt that way. Engagement pictures and wedding pictures popped up all over my Facebook feed. This happened for a couple of years. It died for a few months and then the ‘baby coming’ pictures started to show up on my feed. Again the announcements died, and then, here they come again! Wedding invitations and baby showers, it’s like a never ending wave of announcements being shoved in my face.

Now I’m not saying I’m not happy for these people or that I’m jealous in anyway, it’s just a lot to take in. And to be honest, I just don’t understand it. I know I wasn’t the ‘normal’ adolescent and I have had a lot of issues, but I can’t imagine myself getting married and having kids at the age I’m at now or was at when I graduated from The HA. And here people my age or younger having kids and getting married.

While at The HA, for one of the women sessions, a speaker talked to the group about living a full and happy single life. She said being an intern people are always talking about how great and wonderful married life would be, but why can’t single life be grand as well? She encouraged us to go out and see the world, experience new and exciting adventures, grow and discover who you are. She said being married is a wonderful thing, but that things do become difficult when you add a spouse or children to the mix.

That always stuck with me. With all the times I’ve moved since The HA, I can’t even imagine trying to do that with a spouse or children. Or all the crazy and spontaneous things I’ve done, I don’t think I could have done or experienced half of those things. A few times people have told me that they wished they could have done some of the things I’ve done, but they can’t because of relationships or circumstances. I feel blessed that I’ve been able to experience the things I’ve done.

I’ve had so much growth in my life overall and in my spiritual life since The HA. It was so hard and sometimes difficult going through the changes the Lord was making in my life. And to think I could have dragged others through all that muck with me, it wouldn’t have been fair.

So I’m waiting and living. I’m living my life and growing as a person. I’m waiting on the Lord to tell me I’m ‘ready’ for the next session of my life. And I’m praying that when the Lord does bring that ‘special person’ into my life, I’ll be ready for them - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I’m praying that ‘special person’ will be ready for me too.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Muscle Memory

I like to think I’ve matured. That I’ve grown up. I’m an adult, or that at least I act like one. But then I have moments and make actions that I wish I could take back. In these moments I don’t act ‘grown up’ or like an ‘adult.’ I don’t act mature, I act like the lost scared girl I was.

I’m constantly dealing with triggers, triggers that drag me back into my depression and sadness. Triggers that don’t only mentally take me back but also emotionally, and when those emotions come rushing back like an open dam I revert back to the person I don’t want to be.

I left home, because I knew I couldn’t find healing and safety there. My biggest fear moving back to California was living in that house again. Now that I’m here living in this house, I do see the growth I’ve made – I am a different person. I moved back to California because I knew it was time for me to mend the relationship I left in shambles. I needed to face my demons head on.

I think for the most part I’m doing well. However, sometimes memories of past events invade my mind and I relive that fear, hopelessness and destruction. Or certain words are said and I react the same way I would have four years ago. I’m afraid that the ghosts of the past are reflecting the present instead of the other way around.

I knew this house was going to influence me. I just hope that I’m strong enough to not allow it to engulf me – again.