Monday, October 15, 2012

Me Without You

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’ - Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)

We all have personal things we struggle with on a daily basis. We mentally or emotionally struggle within ourselves with things we know we ‘shouldn’t’ do.

“I can’t eat that cookie.”
“I don’t really want to go to that movie.”
“Don’t visit that web-site.”
“I shouldn’t talk to that person.”
“I can’t go to that store.”
“I need to stay away from that.”


We recite things over and over in our minds hoping that it will stick. That magically, we will stop wanting what we’re craving. Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we focus more on our secret indiscretion that it drives us crazy, until we’re so wound up that we can’t think of anything else.

And sometimes, we commit our secret pleasure. And for a split second it’s worth it. And then the guilt, shame and regret set in.

We all have things we struggle with. Some have less negative outcome then others. And some feel as if they destroy our lives.

But we need to remember that we need to hold on. We cannot give up.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time remembering this. I was at the lowest I’ve been in a while. I had to coach myself not to fall. Because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be able to catch myself until I hit the very bottom.

I’ve gone a year without harming myself; I’ve only done this once before. Every time I fall, I fall further than I did the last time. The self-harm gets worse, more intense. It happens more often. I self-medicate with anything and everything I can get my hands on.

It’s a very low point for me. That is until, somehow, God breaks through the veil of darkness I place up around me shinning with His miraculous and gracious light.

So here I was, a few weeks ago, fighting as hard as I could against the craving of a blade. And I felt like I couldn’t do. I literally felt like I couldn’t fight anymore.

I was casting away the thoughts, praying, quoting scriptures and listening to worship music. But the feeling was still there, I still wanted to harm myself. As I prayed the feeling only intensified.

I found my way to a religious web-site where I could chat live with someone for prayer and encouragement. I was connected with someone and I told them briefly what I was struggling with. They suggested that I cast away the thoughts that we’re haunting me. They gave me scriptures to quote out loud. They suggested bands for me to listen to for encouragement. And all I could think was, ‘This isn’t helping!’

Me: I know you’re trying to help. And I don’t mean to sound rude. But everything you’re suggesting isn’t helpful. I am already doing the things you’ve suggested.
Person: Sometimes we need to be reminded of the things God says.

Then it clicked and everything was instantly better. The desire to harm myself vanished.

I was doing everything I knew to keep myself strong and protected (spiritually), but I allowed myself to believe the lie truth that God wasn’t hearing my prayers and pleas of salvation.

Sometimes we need someone else to remind us of God’s truth to confirm that we’re okay and that we’re on the right path. We can do productive things over and over, and sometimes over time they feel like they’re not working – but they are.

God, is always there. And with Him, we can look at our daily struggles and we can overcome them. We just need to believe - that we can

’And where would I be
Without You...

I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
It's true
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou’

- ‘Me Without You’ by Toby Mac

Friday, October 12, 2012

Get DOWN!

I’m in Thomas, going my merry little way. I’m listening to Air1 and then ‘Get Down’ by Audio Adrenaline comes across my speakers.


A shiver immediately went down my spine and all I could think of was rain, push-ups and my face in a puddle.

Yes, I know. This is a very strange memory to have about a song. But it’s my memory, and even though I make it sound traumatic, it actually makes me laugh when I think about it.

While at the Honor Academy during corporate exercise there would be music playing over the sound system. One day the instructor of the exercises decided to introduce this song to our exercise routine.

He would instruct us to get into an up push-up position (arms stretched out and on your tippy toes), and every time the word ‘down’ was sang in the song you would do a push-up. And then you would go back into the up push-up position until the word was sang again and then do another push up.

If you listen to the song, the word ‘down’ is sang four times in the first chorus, once in the second verse, eight times in the second chorus and then 24 times in a row at the end of the song.

I think the reason why this memory is so prominent in my mind, is because when I was at the HA that was the worst rain session that Texas had had in a while. It would rain so bad that we couldn’t hear the instructor when they called out the exercises we just had to copy the people in front of us.

I vividly remember being in the up push-up position, it raining lightly and going down into a push-up and lifting my head as much as I could to not put it into a puddle of water.

I know what you’re thinking: “You could have moved.” And I did, into this smaller puddle that I was trying to avoid.

There were so many of us working out together and being stretched out for the push-up; there just wasn’t enough room on the black-top. And because it was raining so much there were puddles EVERYWHERE. You couldn’t escape it.

So, even after all these years, whenever I hear this song I can’t help but think of corporate exercise at the HA and having the urge to switch the song.

Let's Get Physical

Proverbs 31:25

Source.
Free printable.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Romans 8:26

Source.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Need You Now

This past week was very hard for me, mentally. I had a lot of ‘dark’ moments this past week and even a few scary ones. I feel like I have cut myself off from people the last year and half.

Ever since I left Texas, I feel like I don’t communicate with people on a deeper level as much. I’ll admit, when I was in Colorado, I was in a DEEP depression. I HATED Colorado. I was always down, depressed and lonely. I felt so isolated. And when I tried to share with people that I normally shared with, I felt like they didn’t have time for me or just didn’t care – out of sight, out of mind. I felt deep in my soul that I had somehow burned all of my bridges by moving away.

Now, I knew that God was calling me to Colorado, so I followed where He lead. I know, that I needed that alone time with God. The years I was in Texas I was surrounded by people. I constantly had someone watching over me/my back. I had a lot of people to be accountable to. I had a good amount of mentors/spiritual leaders I could look up to and ask for help/advice. I knew this was a test for me to see how well I could do on my own. And I know, to an extent, I failed it. However, the Lord did show and teach me a lot at that time.

The Lord showed me that I wouldn’t crash, burn and die without a ton of people helping me/keeping a close eye on me. I would only crash and burn – from time to time. He showed me that I could provide for myself and that I could do things on my own. With how much I hated Colorado, I still believe without a doubt that I was supposed to go there. Why? Because it brought me home, back to Cali.

When I lived in Texas, I was terrified to move back to Cali. I was so afraid to move back into this house, my dad’s house. Before I left Cali and went to Texas a lot of bad things went down in this house. And I was so frightened that the things that happened before I left would continue to happen. But by me moving to Colorado, it made me realize who really had my back – my family. And that’s when I realized it was time for me to come back home, it was time for me to face the demons that were laughing in my face and it was time for me to confront the things I had run away from.

So, here I am, back in Cali stronger than I was before I left but still not strong enough. I am happier then when I was in Colorado and I’m not as depressed. I feel a little more like myself. But I still feel isolated, I still feel like my bridges are burnt and I am still lonely. And to be honest, I think I feel the loneliest I have ever felt.

I am constantly reminded by God, the music I listen to and by a handful of friends that I am important, loved and that I am a Fighter. But even with looking back at everything I’ve overcome, worked through and have learned – I feel like it doesn’t matter because all I see is an ugly overweight girl in her mid-twenties wasting her life. Who is STILL struggling with things in her past and has to remind herself on a daily basis that she cannot run from life and can’t have a “do-over.”

This past week, I scared myself very badly. For the first time, in about a year, I heavily thought about harming myself and I started a suicide plan. And all I could think of was that I had no one to talk to or to help me because I had burnt all my bridges and no one really cared if I lived or died.

So I sat in my room, with the door closed and rocked myself on my bed while listening to music and repeated to myself “I am loved and precious.”And I somehow was able to calm myself down enough to go to bed.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I overcome I will ALWAYS be this ugly overweight girl who struggles, alone, with the thought of harming or killing herself.

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

-‘Need You Now (How Many Times)’ by Plumb

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Need You Now - How Many Times


"Need You Now (How Many Times)"
By Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Monday, October 1, 2012

Bucket List

I’ve been browsing through a Tumblr account for a few hours now, it’s a collection of ‘Bucket List’ pictures. Pictures with words across them depicting what you would like to do/accomplish in your life before you die.

As I look through all these pictures I found some odd, some creepy, some uninteresting and some heartfelt. Some of them I’ve already ‘accomplished’ in my life, things that I never would have thought to be ‘life changing’ or something to ‘aim towards.’

These last few months have been hard on me, mentally. I seem to find myself feeling trapped, useless and aimless. I feel like I’m failing myself, failing God. These last few years have not gone how I had planned or hoped for. I feel like I’m stuck, stuck in a rut not making any traction towards improving myself.

I feel like I’m wasting my life, and to be honest, I’m starting to believe it.

I might have done all these ‘amazing’ things in my past, but I’m not doing anything with my present or for my future. I’m splashing in stagnant water with no earnest motive to get out.

So here I sit, listening to anthems and reading inspirational pictures to rediscover enthusiasm to continue on…

To see my Bucket List click here.