Wednesday, January 30, 2013

In His Arms

I'm becoming a night owl again. It feels good to get back to my 'roots.'

In high school I would stay up late listening to music, writing poems and blogs. I'd be lost in my own little world.

But, back then I was terrified of the night. It scared me so much. I was my weakest in the dark. And no matter how hard I fought, it felt like I’d never win.

But now, I love the night. Everything is quiet, still with no disturbances. I can put my headphones on and instead of using them to drown out my mind; I can use them to encourage my soul.

I've always been most creative in the evening. I always have the urge to draw, paint or write during the night. I find myself not wanting to go to sleep because I want to write. I have journal posts running in my mind as I lay my head to rest. And sometimes I can't refuse the urge.

It's so amazing to me how God can turn things around. I use to be so restless in the evening. And now I find peace in it. I use to write things full of anguish and desperation in the dark. And now I write hope and joy. I find myself smiling the most in the evening.

Only God could take my downfall and turn it into enjoyable contentment. 

I'm finally finding peace in Him, and in myself. I don't need to be afraid of the darkness and it’s unknown. It doesn't have to haunt me. Because I know I won't be Forsaken. I won't be lost. I won't be thrown away. I'm strong and fierce.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. The Stella Star who was full of aspirations and drive. The girl who knew that dreams and hope were the most important things in the world.

Stella Star is finally coming home.
Where she belongs.
In His arms.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Sing to My Soul

I’m addicted to music. I think that’s pretty obvious if you spend more than five minutes looking at my blog.

I don’t know what caused me to be overly obsessed with music. My dad is a music fan, I remember driving in the car and listening to the ‘oldies.’ My mom was also a heavy music fan; she was on the worship team at our church.

But I don’t remember ever being heavily influence to enjoy music the way I do. I remember I really started to like music right before we moved out of the Harold First house. I had become obsessed with the Spice Girls. I had almost every piece of merchandise they made.

I didn’t start to really get into music till after we moved from Harold First and into the house we’re in now. My second band obsession, Backstreet Boys. Yes, I was a BSB fan. Oh the memories of the late 90’s pop band-cookie cutter burst.

It wasn’t till I discovered Christian hard-rock that I fell in love with music. Up until ’05, I guess I never really realized that there were different types of music. I mean, yes, I was aware that there were different genres of music, but I wasn’t aware that music could move you – to your core. The music I listened to was mainly pop-feel good-get your feet moving music.

But there I stood in a stadium full of hundreds of young people and I finally got it. Music is a way to get out the things you never knew you could find the words for. I stood in my aisle staring at the stage and I knew in my soul I was finally complete.

Something dramatically changed in me that day.

From that day I started to listen mainly to Christian music. Sure, over the years I’ve crossed the line into mainstream music, but my heart belongs to the alternative-Christian market.

In high-school, I remember my friends and I would talk about our future husbands and what our expectations were.

“I’ve already told God, that He only has two options to give me in life. Either I marry a rock star or I become one."

I remember telling my friends. And to this day I’m still keeping God to that. But, I can’t sing to save my life and me and instruments don’t get along. So, I’m waiting hopelessly for my rock star to come sweep me off my feet with a bass guitar in one hand and take me into their tour bus.

Now, I know this is highly unlikely. But that’s what dreams are, right? They’re supposed to give you hope for better. And that’s what music is. Music gives us hope that one day things will change, that things aren’t what they are, and that all this turmoil isn’t for nothing.



The music that inspired this post:
'Scars' by Colton Dixon
'This is Who I Am' by Colton Dixon
'In Crowd' by Rapture Ruckus

Monday, January 28, 2013

Safe from the Music


After my mom died, I became even more obsessed with the Internet. My mom had strict rules of when I could be online and for how long. My dad on the other hand, had no rules. Well, the only “considerable” rule was that shouldn’t be looking at anything I wasn’t supposed to be – porn (yes, I typed it; SCANDEL!).

After my mom died, things felt like they were kind of spiraling out of control. I had a lot more responsibilities, my depression and self-harm accelerated; I just wanted an out – a way to escape everything. And I found it; I started chatting a lot on message boards. I could escape into this real imaginary world that I had created for myself.

I’m a big day-dreamer, I constantly have my head in the clouds (shocker, right?). But, this world that I had created online was so much better. There were other people involved, real people that I could actually interact with. People that gave me what I wanted, at least what I thought I wanted.

To make a long story short, I got a lot of emotional and mental scars from those boards. And with me being as obsessed with music as I am, there were a few key CD’s that I listened to while I was online. From time to time I’ll hear one of those songs play and it’s as if my skin is literally crawling. My ears start to ring, I feel a panic attack coming on, my stomach knots and I feel sick. The song itself could be a good song, a happy care free song, but the memories attached to them can send me into a tail spin.

But then God shows up, like He always does. He takes my hand in His and He sits and waits with me until the song finishes and I can finally breathe again. It’s strange isn’t it, how songs can free our souls but they can also keep them in bondage.

The good news is that God can take that song and change its meaning to us. He can transform the sadness into joy and the tears into cheer. God can save us from ourselves; and from the music.

“'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe” - ‘Breathe (2 am)’ by Anna Nalick

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I See YOU

One of the things that constantly infuriates my dad’s fiancĂ© is the fact that my dad is always willing to give something away or help someone out. She says that my dad is “too nice” and helps others “too much.” To me, it’s normal. I guess being raised by two parents that were constantly willing to help someone out, I see nothing wrong with this.

My dad’s fiancĂ© on the other hand, finds this extremely frustrating and is constantly giving my dad a hard time about it. But my dad being who he is, just let’s her negativity roll off his back and continues on.

I know my dad helps others because he finds joy in it. He truly enjoys helping others; the look he gets when he tells others: “My God provided so I can help you” is priceless. He gets a high by helping others. He truly understands the meaning of helping the poor and needy.

And me, why do I help others? Because I know how much it means to that person. When I lived in Texas, I don’t know how many times I would wake up, go to work with my belongings in Thomas and didn’t know where I was going to sleep that night. I had families take me into their homes, expecting nothing or very little from me. They gave me a safe, protected and godly place to live.

I learned, very slowly, that God would provide me a place to live and food in my tummy. Over and over again, God would place these people in my life who gave me things with no expectations and with pure motives.

It changed my worldview of giving and receiving.

Today I walked out of Subway carrying my family’s dinner. Out of nowhere, this man came around the corner.

“Hello there! How are you doing today?”
“I’m doing well thank you. How are you?”
“I’m doing good. Doing good. Trying to stay warm. The weather is being weird.”
“It is, isn’t it? Well, have a good night.”


And with that I got into my car and placed my food down. Until then, I hadn’t really looked at the man. But now that I was looking clearly at him, his clothes were cleaned, he was dressed nicely, and he looked put together. But hanging on his back was a backpack and from that plastic bags, paper towels and a Windex bottle. He was homeless, but you never would have guessed it. You could tell that he took pride in his appearance and you could see his joy on his face.

I sat in my car for a minute or so, taking him in. I then opened my door and got out of the car.

“I need to go to McDonald’s to pick up more food. Would you like anything?”
His face lit up. “Sure! That would be great.”
“What would you like? A drink; food?”
“I’m more hungry than thirsty.”
He said with a little sadness.

I asked him a few more questions and then I left. I came back a few minutes later with a meal and gave it to him.

“Praise God! Thank you. Thank you so much!”
I smiled at him. “God bless you. Stay safe and warm.”
“I’ll try.”


I watched him as he walked away and I said a prayer for him. My little trip out today was only supposed to be three stops, but it turned into five. I quickly ran into two stores before I picked up the food and I know now that it was a God thing. If I wouldn’t have gone into those stores or if I would have rushed I would not have ran into that man. For some reason God had our paths cross. Some might say that it was for the man’s sake, but I say it was for mine.

I guess I’m more like my dad then I’d like to admit. I help others because I get joy out of it too.




DISCLAIMER: I do not share these stories to gloat or to say how ‘great’ of a Christian that ‘I am’. I share these stories because I believe that God is being given glory when the story is being played out and when it’s told. And I know sometimes it’s hard to help others, especially the homeless, I pray and hope with the telling of my stories that it will encourage people to help others and give people the nudge or push that they need to go out and be God’s hands and feet.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Wreck-It Art

I’ve really wanted to draw the last few weeks, but I can’t seem to motivate myself to do it. And I’m not really inspired to draw anything.

The last few weeks I’ve been having a really hard time motivating myself to do almost anything. You know those days/weeks where everything is a chore. And you end up doing nothing all day because it takes too much energy to get off the couch.

Yea, I’ve been having those kind of days lately.

I’ve finally got to the point where I’m so annoyed with myself that I finally just got up and forced myself to do some kind of art.

 
It didn’t turn out at all what I thought it would. I saw this really cool technique online and I’ve wanted to try it out, so I did. Yea, I’ll have to read those directions again.

After it didn’t work like I wanted, I decided I’d just destroy the paper. I kind of like the way it turned out, all wrecked.

I think it’s what I needed.

Sometimes we just need to shove ourselves over our personal cliffs and force ourselves to do whatever it is we need to do.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Jesus is Alive - so hold TIGHT!

I’ve been listening to the song Promises by Sanctus Real non-stop the last few days.

This song has been encouraging me a lot. Around my birthday, I always feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m 25 and I am still as unsure about my life as I was five years ago. The Lord has done so much for me, and I feel like I’m wasting the life that He’s blessed me with. I know that might sound ludicrous, but it’s the way I feel.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11; New International Version (NIV)

I’ve been thinking about this verse a lot too. It’s one of the ‘promises’ that I’ve been clinging to. God has a future for me, and I need to believe that when the time is right that He will lead me to that future.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” -Romans 8:35-39; The Message (MSG)

That’s a crazy thought, isn’t it? Here I am worried that I’m wasting my life but why would Jesus fight and die for me if I wasn’t important? If I wasn’t someone special who was going to do something special. I mean, I wouldn’t fight or die for someone who I didn’t love or think was going to change the world.

When I think of it like that and all the times that I could/should have died, I know that the ‘promise’ must be true.

That encourages me and makes me happy. It gives me hope, that maybe I can make it through this crazy topsy-turvy adventure that some call life.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Wear Your Crown

Source.

Don't be ashamed to wear your crown! <3

"This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,
It's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)
You're worth more than gold
(Gold gold you're gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown
You're a king you're a queen inside and out."
-'Gold' by Britt Nicole

Take Him In

Music is my air.
It’s what I wake up for.
It’s what keeps me grounded.

I wanted to share a list of songs that I have been listening to heavily the past few weeks/months. The first and third songs, I’ve been listening to the most.

We all need a reminder sometimes of how special we truly are and of just how majestic our God is.

‘Promises’ by Sanctus Real
‘The Story of Your Life’ by Matthew West
‘My Own Little World’ by Matthew West
‘One Thing Remains’ by Kristian Stanfill
‘Draw the Line’ by Disciple
‘You Are’ by Colton Dixon
‘Need You Now (How Many Times)’ by Plumb

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Promises

"Promises"
By Sanctus Real

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing
In what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason
Even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer
And you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages
Let His word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (Hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (Alright)
Jesus is alive so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

All things work for the good
Of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you
Not even His own Son
His love is everlasting
His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So if you feel weak

Neither life, nor death
Could separate us
From the eternal love
Of our God who saves us