Appreciation

I've been documenting my life on paper for years. I remember when I was younger I'd like to journal, I could never keep up with it though. But I did it, because I knew it was important for me to get my feelings out instead of keeping them bottled in.

I have two journals, a prayer journal and an everyday journal. I haven't written in my prayer journal for years, since 2009. I decided that I would write in my prayer journal tonight.

I like to write out my prayers, instead of just saying them out loud or to God. I like seeing my words come to life in physical form, I feel like they receive more power that way.

After writing in my prayer journal, I flipped through different pages; I wanted to see what I prayed for so many years ago and how God had answered.

I wrote a prayer on May 3, 2009 that made my breath catch and almost made me cry. I prayed that the Lord would allow me to die. I asked God why He wouldn't let me die and I begged Him to let me go.

I know I was lost back then. I know that I was confused, I was hurting and I was in paralyzing pain. But, to see that I had actually written that - is too much for me to handle.

How could I ask to be taken out of God's protecting hand? How could I ask God to leave me? To forsake me. I begged Him, I cried out to Him, to take my life.

Thank you Lord, thank you for not answering my prayer.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Thank you for not taking me out of your hand.

Thank you, for not forsaking me.

Thank you.

Sing to Me

Music is a huge passion of mine. I think that’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone I meet and talk to for about 5 minutes, cause I always somehow bring it up. I can’t help it, I love sharing music as much as I love listening to it.

I receive so much healing, peace and comfort from music; I can’t help but share.

I started to really get into music when I was about 14, I want to say. Shortly after that, like most teenagers, I started to day-dream and fantasize about the ‘Rock Star life’. Of course I had dreams of being a rising star, being in a world-famous band and touring all over the world. But I also fantasized about being in relationships with my favorite musicians and touring with their band and being the ‘supportive girlfriend’.

I want to be part of music so bad, but all of my attempts at learning instruments seem to end badly. And I have a fear of singing out loud, especially when others are around.

I’m super self-conscience, in general really – about everything, about my singing ability.

When my step-mom was alive and her two sons were living with us, I would sit in my room on my laptop listening to music and sing my heart out. I would leave my bedroom door open, but I learned quickly that closing it was better – for many reasons.

I remember, so clearly, one day I was sitting on my bed singing along to a song and my step-mom’s youngest son telling me stop singing. To shut up, I was hurting his ears.

“Stop Stella! Stop singing! You’re awful. Just stop! STOP SINGING!!”

To this day, I can hear his voice echoing in my mind and I can see him walk pass my door covering his ears with his hands. He wasn’t the only one who told me to stop singing, so did my step-mom. They said a lot of other things about my singing. After that was when my self-consciousness of singing really started.

I do still sing when I’m all alone. And I do sing out loud when it’s just my dad or grandpa in the house – I don’t sing as loudly as I use to. It’s more of a whisper really…

However, one place I never hold myself back from singing is in worship. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I never hold back when I’m worshiping my Lord. I love to worship God. I love worshiping Him. And I know He doesn’t care that I can’t sing. I know He doesn’t mind if I’m not on pitch or that I can’t keep a tune. It’s so freeing.

I’ve been going to this recovery group for a couple of months now and I finally motivated/encouraged myself to go to Sunday service this morning. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable going to new churches. Luckily a couple of people from my group were at the service I went to.

The new friend that I’m making in group sat next to me during the service and after the service they turned to me and said that I had a great singing voice. It made me really uncomfortable. I played it off. Then the worship-leader’s husband introduced himself to me, and he said the same thing. Again, it made really self-conscience. Then the pastor came to chat with me, and my friend trying to be helpful mentioned my singing and the CD I had given them – and then the pastor suggested I talk to the worship leader. By the end of the day, I had four people saying that I had a good voice and three were pushing me to join the worship team.

I can’t sing; I know that. I knew this before the traumatizing incident. But to have all these people who don’t know me and who’ve only heard me sing once, say these things about my singing ability and how I should be on the worship team… It scares me.

I don’t know what God’s trying to do. But I really hope it doesn’t involve me singing, cause I don’t think I could handle that healing/recovery process at the moment.

Reasons

I’ve been going to this recovery group every week for a few weeks now. I really enjoy it. There’s one person in particular that I’m starting to form a friendship with.

We talk weekly and try to encourage each other the best we can. You know when you just click with someone and you know there’s a reason why your paths have crossed? That’s how I feel. There’s a reason why God wants us to be friends.

Tonight, I just did not want to go to group. I’ve been having a huge lazy streak lately. I had worked on my Smash journal all day and I just didn’t want to have to get ready and head out into the world. But at the last moment, I got up and got ready.

Last week I wanted to take my new friend a mixed CD of my favorite songs, but it just didn’t work. So today I made extra effort to make the CD and have it ready for when I went to group.

I get to group and guess who brought me a gift? Ha ha, so I open my present, a devotional book and gave them the CD. It was too funny how that worked out.

As the lesson progresses, I share how I didn’t want to come and my friend shares how they were having issues controlling their anger. They had a rough day and apparently my book getting lost caused some of that.

Someone else then pointed out that if I hadn’t had come that my friend would be feeling even worse than how they were feeling because all of the stress and anger would have been for nothing.

It’s amazing how God works, isn’t it? He plans everything out perfectly.

There’s a reason why we’re friends, and I can’t wait to see what that reason is.

I'm Never Alone

The last few days I’ve been working through this daily devotional online. The website is called Setting Captives Free and the course I’m taking is called By His Wounds. The website has many daily devotional courses that help you work through different habits/addictions. The courses are full of scriptures, testimonies and a pastor’s commentary that leads you through the 60 day course. I just finished the third day of the course.

I’ve attempted to complete this course two other times, this is my third attempt. The farthest I’ve made is 28 days. I’m hoping to complete it this time. I know I need to get back into a spiritual structure of growth again.

There was a verse that was shared in today’s study that really touched me.

“The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on him, on him.” - Isaiah 53:5; The Message

I know why Jesus was beaten and placed on the cross. I know why He had to die for us. I know that because of His death, I can now talk to God myself. And that I can now go to Heaven. I also know that we can now be healed by the Holy Spirit because Jesus sent the Spirit to us after He resurrected and went back to Heaven.

My sin placed Jesus on the cross. My self-hate, my anger, my depression, every wrong thing I have ever done and ever will do – put Jesus on that cross… I knew this, I know this.

“He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.”

Jesus’ bruises make us healed. His pain makes us whole. I found healing and I am whole, because of Jesus.

With every strike on Jesus’ back I became free. Every nail punctured through Jesus’ skin, I became whole. Because Jesus died, I’ll never be alone.

I never got it before. It never became real to me. I never truly understand how glorious this was - till today.

You'll Never Be Alone

 

"You'll Never Be Alone"

By Capital Kings

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone

Hey
Let me start it off by sayin' this
You mean everything to me nothin' I wouldn't risk
Every single second and moment that passes by
I'm thinkin' about you and I really want you to know that

There's something more out there
Somethin' that will hold you very tight when you're scared
'Cause I know when times get tough and it starts to feel rough
It can feel like everythings crashin' down on ya

So when it seems like every road you're on has hit a dead end
There is hope
Let me show

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

Man
Crazy how you got this far
I'd be sittin' just wonderin' where to start
Last week you were sayin' that somethin' just ain't right
Layin' in your bed stayin' up all night

'Cause
This life is harder than it seems
But one thing I've learned is never stop chasin' your dreams
And if it, if it ever get's to hectic for you
Stop for a second and remember one thing.

So when it seems like every road you're on has hit a dead end
There is hope
Let me show

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

Sometimes life is an ocean
We're just trying to flow
We get caught in slow motion
From the undertow

Sometimes the path to choose
Is right in front of you
You just gotta let go

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know

(You'll never be alone)

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

I'm Okay

I talk about self-harm a lot on this blog. I don’t try to hide the fact that I was extremely depressed for years, that I harmed myself or that I thought about/attempted suicid

For the longest time I kept all these things to myself. It took me a long time to learn how to publicly announce how I feel or what I’m thinking.

I have a private blog that I’ve had for years, since 2004. I wrote in that blog day after day after day. I kept everything to myself. I was so afraid to let anyone else see it. It wasn’t till 2008 when I made a public blog. I was moving away and I thought it would be easier to keep everyone updated that way. And now four years later, I still have the public blog up and I write in the private one less and less.

I hardly write in it actually. I have finally become comfortable to unveil my true self. I’m no longer afraid to show my crazy. Cause I am crazy, and I’m okay with that.

I’m writing all of this to say, that I’m okay. I’m doing okay, most days. For now. Recovery and healing is a road, a road that needs to be taken a little at a time.

I know that sometimes I write more bad then good. I share how much I’m struggling without giving any hope of redemption. I’m an extreme. I am either really high or really low. I’m still working on that.

It’s come to my attention that I share that I struggle with thoughts of self-harm (from time to time), but I’ve never actually come out and said that I don’t self-harm.

At the end of this summer (2013), it will be two years since I last harmed myself. It’s such a crazy thought to me. It feels like it’s been so much longer and yet some days it seems like it was just yesterday.

I don’t struggle with thoughts of self-harm or suicide daily or even weekly. I’m not going to lie though; I do still get those thoughts. It’s just not as often and not as vivid.

When I do get these thoughts, I share them because I need the accountability. I need someone to know how I’m feeling and how close I am to the edge. I also share them because it’s my redemption. I’m going to make it through this, by clinging onto God – I know He won’t let me go.

I just thought I should share that.

I’m okay.

Prologue

I love blogging.

I love writing.

It truly is my passion to combine words together that will prod out an emotional response from others. I hope that it will cause people to become active and change themselves into true and honest peace. I also hope, that with all my flaws, that I can show God’s glory and encourage someone to not give up on the race to godliness.

I have finally made the decision to go back to college. I will be going to a community college to get my general education, and then I hope to transfer to a university to get my degree in – you ready for it? Journalism.

I know, I know – ‘It took you how long to make that decision? ‘

I’m slow; you all should know this by now.

To be honest, I always had dreams of writing and possibly selling a few things here and there. But I never really thought about making it my career. Last summer was when I first really started to pursue the thought of going back to school. At first, I thought of going into Business/Marketing. I did social media marketing for a few years, and I was pretty good at it.

However, Aunt Stella had other thoughts. “Marketing? No, you need to go into Journalism.” She said it so nonchalant. It was a no-brainer what I should go to school for. And yet, it honestly never crossed my mind.

Now, a year later, I am finally going back to school - and Aunt Stella was right. She always is.

It’s funny. You know as a kid you’re always asked what you want to be when ‘you grow up.’ My response for the longest time was a veterinarian.

But before that, an artist and a writer. Even at a very young age I had a passion to write and to create. After all these years, I’m finally taking the steps to achieve my childhood fantasy. And one day I will achieve it, I will be a ‘writer.’

At least I’m going to give it my best shot.

And if I don’t succeed.

I’ll blame Aunt Stella. Ha ha.

Matthew Warren

“According to the Orange County Register and media reports, Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren released a statement to church members informing them that the youngest of his three children, Matthew Warren, 27, died on Friday—apparently due to suicide. Official sources indicate a self-inflicted gunshot wound Friday morning was the cause of death.”

-Source: Christianity Today

I’ve been staring at this article for hours, reading it over and over, and I have no idea how to express how I feel.

I feel so sad that a young life was taken. It breaks my heart that one of God’s children took his own life.

I know how it is to feel overwhelmed with all the emotions running around in your head. I know how much pain comes from drowning in your own depression. I know the wanting to leave all your hurt and pain behind so that you can just breathe. And I know how it feels to wish that you were dead instead of alive.

And I know how hard and conflicting it is to know the Truth, to know God and yet still feel so alone, lost and confused. It’s hard to be a Christian dealing with depression and have thoughts of suicide. It’s so hard to be active in a church and do ‘God’s work’ when you feel like the pain will never leave you. When the enemy just want let you go. And no matter how hard you fight and claw your way up, you feel like you never get to the Light.

My heart breaks for Matthew and the Warren family. And my prayers are with them.

I empathize with Matthew. I know his pain and his longing to be free. I know these feeling oh so well.

And I thank God that I was able to overcome these thoughts, feelings and desires. I thank God with every fiber that I am that my suicide attempts didn’t work. My soul praises God endlessly that He set it free.

I feel horrible that Matthew couldn’t find the peace that I have been able to find. It hurts me, that Matthew couldn’t battle the enemy any longer.

Through Matthew’s death, it encourages me to continue to move forward. I will live, even more, for him.

The enemy will not win.

Love, will save the day.

Finding Me

There are so many blogs I’ve been finding lately on my computer that I never posted. Blogs from when I was in the HA, blogs from right after I left the HA, and blogs from last summer. I’m slowly sorting through them all.

And instead of posting them as ‘current time’ blogs, I’ve decided I’m going to post them ‘back in time’.  To better fit in with ‘my story’.

It’s so weird to read over some of these blogs. I was going through so much. I was so lost and confused in my mind. I can hardly remember how some of these emotions felt. I don’t know if it’s because God healed me and took away the pain, or I’m that absent-minded…

We’ll go with the God one, cause I’m totally not forgetful or a procrastinator…

So here’s a list of blogs from the past that have come to the present:

Father’s Approval

Decisions

Creativeness

Get DOWN!

Seven Years

Break Through is Coming