Pedalin'

Air 1 Radio

One of my main resources for finding new music to listen to is Air 1. I've been an Air 1 listener since high school. With all my traveling, from here to there, I've always been able to find an Air 1 station to listen to. Air 1 has been a huge encouragement and motivator for me.

I can remember countless times, where I needed an answer from God and He spoke to me through the songs that Air 1 was playing at the time. When ever I feel lost, out of control, overwhelmed or want to give up; it's as if 'magic' that Air 1 plays the song I need at that exact moment to continue moving on.

Multiple times a year, Air 1 has a pledge drive to raise funds. They are a listener supported station, which means they don't play commercials. They continue to stay on the air-waves and play music because people donate money to keep them in business.

This week they're having their fall pledge drive. I've never been in a financially stable place to donate to them myself. But my hope is, to one day be able too.

To give to Air 1, go here. If you give now, 
when you make a $40 monthly pledge on the EZ Gift Plan,
 not only are you keeping Air 1 on the air, 
but you're also providing a new winter coat
 to a child through Operation Warm! 
Check out their heart-warming ministry here.

Who Will Love Me for Me

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. I've basically been listening to it non-stop. I discovered it about a week ago through the new iTunes radio tab. I use to listen to Air 1 through iTunes, but iTunes updated their program and now changes the way that their "radio" tab works.

Basically, you pick the genre you want to listen to and iTunes picks random songs on iTunes that matches that criteria and plays it. It's actually really helpful and cool. I love Air 1 and listen to it all the time, but sometimes chatter/talking distracts me when I'm thinking or concentrating and it makes it difficult for me to think/concentrate. And since I'm always listening to music when I do ANYTHING, sometimes I get distracted doing daily tasks (yes; a shameless excuse from a procrastinator).

When I first heard this song on iTunes, it struck a cord to my heart. And I instantly had to look it up.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means"

I've been going through a lot of emotional and physical change this week. It's been emotionally and mentally difficult and heavy for me to deal with. And this song has been my anthem, through it all. 

"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

Sometimes, we feel unlovable. Sometimes, we feel like we will never be enough. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what we do, we will never satisfy anyone. Sometimes, we feel like we're nothing.

In those times, in those dark moments, when we feel like there's nothing more to give. Sometimes God comes through, sometimes God comes in with his Majesty and shakes us to our core.

And sometimes, God doesn't come roaring in and we need to remember and cling to the promise that He loves us.

Because, sometimes, all we have is hope that He loves.

Song: "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

What Love Really Means

"What Love Really Means"

by JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Psalm 139:14

 Source.
 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

No, I'm Not Alright

Source.

After two years of being self-harm free, I fell back into the lie-truth that hurting myself would 'make things better'... And I really don't know how I feel about that.

"If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside "

- 'I'm Not Alright' by Sanctus Real

Twihards

A couple of years ago, when I lived in Colorado, my roommate and I were house-sitting for friends. My roommate came up with this awesome idea that we should play a prank on them.

We knew that they both "LOVED" Twilight (sarcasm implied), so we decided we would give their home a makeover. We made props, bought posters, printed out pictures, made them a fan-fiction, and changed their FB status', profile pictures and liked EVERY Twilight fan page we could find.

One of the last things we did, we went to the Goodwill found the Twilight and New Moon books and highlighted the cheesiest parts of the books we could find. I Google-ed it – there’s a LOT. We then ripped out the pages and placed them ALL over the house. We put some in plain sight and we hid others (okay, we hid a lot). We hid the pages in books, movies, games, behind pictures, in cups, shoes, drawers; anywhere we could hide them – we did.

Since the prank, the friend has been finding the pages randomly. A few nights ago, she found another page. It's been 2+ years and she's moved a few times, and yet the prank is still going strong.

This makes me smile and giggle like a crushing tween girl. Hehehe. 

 "It's like my home decor has herpes. 

You think you find it all, but it just keeps coming... 
And never goes away!" -friend

Do-Over

Source.

Sometimes, the strongest and bravest thing you can do - is do your craziest desire. 

I don't know how many times, I imagined myself leaving my current living situation. I don't know how many times I fantasized and envisioned the way I would leave. I thought of where I would go and what I would take. I saved money, for my "running away" fund.

However, I never thought I would actually do it. I never thought I would actually leave.

Today, I packed a bag and left the house (once again) that has caused me to doubt, hurt and hate myself. And I finally realized that I don't have to fix every hurt. I don't have to mend every scar. I just have to be me. And be me well.

So here I am, starting all over again. Without a plan. With little hope. And a desire to be more then what I am.

So here I go again. Re-starting the journey of self-discovery.

Here I go.

I Heart Revell

A couple of weeks ago, I entered this book give-away/contest by Revell and I won! I got my 11 books in the mail today. I cannot wait to start reading them!

I entered the contest for one particular book, by Melody Carlson. But, I was sooo BLOWN away by all the other books I got in the set. Another book I got, I've been wanting for a while - I got super EXCITED!

This was definitely a god-thing.

I can't wait to dig in!

10:10

Source.

"It's 10/10, so speak up about how John 10:10 affects your life and/or how SKAD has affected you!" - Taken from the 'Steal Kill And Destroy' Facebook page

The enemy made me believe that my words and voice weren't important, that they had no power and no one would listen when I spoke. I stuffed and buried every thought and emotion. I created this well of hurt and pain. And one day, the well became too full and over flowed. That day I placed a blade to my skin to find a release and started to believe the lie that cutting would make everything better.

After years of mental and spiritual healing, the Lord has given me my voice back.

The torment the enemy had used to lock me inside myself; the Lord is now using to free me. In my darkest hours I couldn’t speak, but I could write. The Lord is blessing my written words of vulnerability, honesty and sincerity to grow and heal not only myself but others as well.

Walking Her Home

"Walking Her Home"

by Mark Schultz

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

[Chorus]
He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

[Chorus]

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

1 Peter 3:3-4

Source.

When We're Together

"When We're Together"

by Mark Harris

I'd like to sail to lands afar
Out on a boat that's built for two
Beneath a canopy of stars
That would be just like a dream come true
Just to be with you

And oh, oh, oh, ohhh
When we're together
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
Feels like forever

Worries seem to fade away
As they become as distant memories
When we're together

I'd like a castle on a hill
Where you and I could spend the day
And I'd love to go where time stands still
And all that doesn't matter fades away
You are here with me

And oh, oh, oh, ohhh
When we're together
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
Feels like forever

Worries seem to fade away
As they become as distant memories
When we're together

And I'd love to
Dance with you
Under the big blue sky
We'd hold the
Wonder of the moment
As the moment passes by

When we're together

And oh, oh, oh, ohhh
When we're together
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh

Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
Feels like forever
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh

Feels just like forever!!
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
Yeah, whenever we're together
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh

When we're together

Little

"Little"

by Seven Places

In a little while I will go for you, in a little while I will bleed for you.
In a little while I will hang for you, in a little while I will call for you.
You, I only want to spend my time with you.
I cracked my skin so I could be with you.
I made the world to stop it just for you, I want to be with you.
There's a little place that I will build for you.
There's an empty space that I will fill in you.
You, I only want to spend my time with you.
I cracked my skin so I could be with you.
I made the world to stop it just for you, I want to be with you.

Seeing Hope

Inspired by the song: "Just Say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down.

Book Review: DOATG - Caitlin O'Connor

Review of the ‘Diary of a Teenage Girl’ series 
by Melody Carlson.

Review of Caitlin O’Connor’s diaries. 

The Caitlin O’Connor set has five (5) diaries (books): Becoming Me, It's My Life, Who I Am, On My Own, and I Do. The series starts with Caitlin being a junior in high school and follows her through to her senior year of college. Along the way Caitlin is faced with family problems, tragedies, personal convictions, romantic relationships, and an overwhelming desire to obey God at all costs – even at the loss of her relationship with her first love, Josh Miller.

I’ve read the Chloe Miller set (the second in the series) before reading these dairies. At some moments, I found it EXTREMELY difficult to continue reading because I knew what was going to happen and what the outcome was before I read it. At one point, I literally had to stop reading the diary put it down and walk away because I didn’t want to read in detail what happened in the situation. In total, I cried three (3) times reading this set of diaries.

The three situations I cried over I had read before, I’ve read them countless of times but in Chloe’s point of view, never in Caitlin’s. So to read and feel the way Caitlin did and to experience the situations first hand, instead of hear-say, was too much for me to handle at moments. Knowing what was going to happen and how it was going to end, was like waiting for the other shoe to fall – heart breaking.

I’ve always seen Caitlin as this mature, put together, God fearing/loving person. However, in “Becoming Me”, I saw this rebellious teenager with anger, resentment and stubbornness I’d never seen before. Caitlin was whinny, ruthless, determined to fit in, guy obsessed, she spoke back to her parents and got physical with boys. It was night and day, and I liked it. As I continued to read through the set of diaries, it was cool to see her grow and change into this amazing person.

Another culture shock, was hearing how much of a man whore Josh Miller was. Josh is Chloe’s brother, and she mentions a few times how different her brother was in high school – I just never knew how much. It was so weird to hear how Josh allowed his emotions/hormones guide him. How he jumped from one girl, to another, to another. How he would love them and then leave them. Such a different person then the reserved, compassionate and thoughtful Josh I know and love.

Two other characters that threw me for a loop were Clay Berringer and Zach Streeter. I knew that Clay died in a high school shooting; Chloe mentions it in her diary. However, I didn’t have that strong of a connection to him because Chloe didn’t know him personally. But reading Caitlin’s diary and meeting him truly for the first time, was my first moment where I didn’t want to continue reading because I knew what the outcome was.

And then poor Zach, he was so sweet, kind and on fire for God. He helped Beanie Jacobs (Caitlin’s best friend) to find God, he helped Caitlin to find her way back to God and Josh too. He had so much potential and such a desire to obey God – but I knew it wasn’t going to end well for him. Zach is only mentioned once in Chloe’s diary by Beanie, she says how having sex and getting pregnant with Zach ruined their relationship and pushed Zach away from God.

The first time I cried reading this set was in the beginning of “It’s My Life”. Beanie saves Oliver (Caitlin’s nephew) by shoving him out of the way of a moving car; she saves his life but in return loses her baby. I knew it was coming, I knew the outcome, but I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard. As I read the chapter, tears ran down my face and I held my breath, it was like a horrible case of déjà-vu.

In “Who I Am”, I was very pleasantly greeted by a dear old friend, Chloe Miller. I couldn’t wait for Chloe to enter Caitlin’s diaries and I wasn’t disappointed. It was surreal to see Chloe from Caitlin’s point of view. Chloe was sassy, spunky and even more rebellious. She hadn’t truly honed in her passion for music and didn’t see her singing as a ‘gift’ from God - yet. I was also surprised to find out that Caitlin was the heavy push that finally shoved Chloe out of the musical closet.

The character I was most moved by was Jewel Garcia. She was loud, mean, vindictive, and a little slutty. When she first popped into Caitlin’s diaries, I wanted to hate her – ha ha. But I knew I couldn’t because she was Cesar’s cousin, and I adore Cesar. Cesar is Chloe’s first love interest and best friend. Again, I knew what was going to happen to Jewel and how it was all going to end. But again, I didn’t have that strong connection to her because Chloe’s diaries started after this situation.

Jewel got dumped by her boyfriend and attempted to commit suicide. She lived, but her brain was severely damaged and left her in a child-like mentality. Chloe visited Jewel with Caitlin and together, all three of them became best friends and grew closer to God because of it. As the chapters went on and on about Caitlin and Chloe’s visits, and how much Caitlin started to love Jewel, I couldn’t handle it. I knew what was going to happen. As the end came closer and closer, I had to take breaks from the diary. I couldn’t bear to read it in full.

The second time I cried in this set was when Jewel died. “May she dance in heaven with the angels.”

The third and final time I cried was when Chloe got saved at Clay’s gravestone in “On My Own”. With now knowing Clay, who he was and how passionate he was – it only seemed fitting that even after death he would still bring people to God.

In Caitlin’s final diary “I Do”, I found it astonishing when Caitlin laid her wedding to Josh Miller on God’s alter and decided that she wasn’t going to stress over it. She was going to allow God to plan the wedding, just like how she allowed God to plan her life. It was interesting  to see how everything just fell in place.

One thing I wanted so badly to happen was for Beanie to make Caitlin’s wedding dress. In Chloe’s diaries, Beanie is Chloe’s bands (Redemption) ‘personal stylist’, and I was overjoyed to find out that my wish came true and that Beanie made Caitlin’s dream wedding dress.

Another thing I DESPERATLY wanted to find out was if Chloe would bring Jeremy Baxter to Caitlin and Josh’s wedding. Jeremy is the lead singer of Iron Cross, a famous and popular band that Redemption tours with. Chloe and Jeremy kind of have this romantic thing going on it her diaries and I always hoped that they would end up together.  I squealed like a true fan-girl when Chloe told Caitlin that she was bring Jeremy to the wedding as her ‘friend’.

And the last and final thing that completed this set of books for me, and completely took me off guard was when Caleb (Josh and Chloe’s brother) showed up at the wedding and was in the wedding party. I was so surprised by this, I didn’t see it coming (AT ALL!) and was so pleasantly content.

Caitlin doesn’t mention Caleb until this final diary, but Chloe talks about him often in her diaries. I think I grew to love Caleb as much as Chloe, because I find him so relatable. Caleb was a smart and bright young man, until he went to college and got hooked on drugs. Drugs ruined his life and destroyed his relationship with his parents. But Chloe never forgot about him, she never stopped loving him and never stopped praying for him.

From personal experience of dealing with family members who have drug problems, it touched my heart deeply to hear that Chloe helped Caleb through his addiction. Caleb climbed through the grime to the top and worked hard to find his way back to his siblings and into that wedding party. It brought tears to my eyes and a huge smile to my face.

Overall, I was extremely impressed with this set of diaries and fell deeply in love with Caitlin O’Connor. It was an extremely odd and a different experience to see things from Caitlin’s point of view instead of Chloe’s. I found it enjoyable to see not just Caitlin grow up, but to also see Josh grow up as well.

It comforted me to see this insecure, lost, angry girl become a mature, influential, and devoted woman of God.

To read more of my DOATG 
book reviews, please go here.

Book Heaven

A couple of months ago I went on a book buying spree, I think I bought 15+ books in about 2 weeks. It was CRAZY. And in the last month I’ve bought about 5 books. I love to read and with my recent discovery of a used book store, OH MAN! You’re telling me I can buy books, read them, take them back and you’ll give me credit towards another book – HECK YEA, COUNT ME IN!

I’m in book heaven.

The majority of the books I’ve bought the last few months are in a series, the ‘Diary of a Teenage Girl’ series by Melody Carlson. The series itself has four sets inside of it. The books walk you through a fictional diary of a girl who documents her trials, victories, fears and desires in a diary.

I discovered this series a few years ago and fell in love with the second set of books by Chloe Miller; a freshman who enters high school with a passion for music and a questioning spirit. She finds God, builds a band, becomes a famous rock-star and along the way discovers that being different isn’t so wrong.

I’ve attempted to read the other books in the series before, but just didn’t follow through with it. So I thought I would attempt to read through the whole series and see where Caitlin O’Connor, Kim Peterson and Maya Stark take me and allow God to work in my life through their transparent words. 

Let it begin!