So much has happened in the last ten years; so much
happened when I turned 17. I started cutting a few months after my birthday. My
mom was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer. I discovered my
passion for music. The Internet became my world. And so many other things
happened.
It’s so weird to think it’s been ten years. Ten years of
me fighting the urge to place a blade to my skin. At moments, it doesn’t seem
like it’s been that long. And at other moments, it seems like a lifetime.
It saddens me.
It saddens me that cutting has been such a big part of my
life. It saddens me that I’ve only been able to stop three times; the first
time for a year, the second time for two & half years and this third time for
one year.
I was so lost last fall (Oct-Dec 2013). I had a fight
with my dad, I packed my bags and left home; I couldn’t handle living in a toxic
environment any more. I ran to the only place I could think of, my “sanctuary”
became my trigger. The people who were supposed to help me, pushed me over the
edge.
I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I knew if I gave
in, it would be so hard to stop. But it didn’t matter, I was alone. Truly, and
utterly, alone.
I cut more in those three months, then I had EVER done. I
couldn’t stop. I was emotionally spiraling out of control. I was grasping for
anything. It was SO BAD.
At one point, it finally clicked in my head to just stop
and breathe. My thoughts were racing; I had to force my brain and emotions to
stop. I needed a break. I was sitting in a Starbucks, writing in my journal and
listening to music. I was hiding.
“2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone…
When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone…
When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...
Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing”
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing”
I went to my dad the next day, we worked out our problems
and I moved back in. I learned that sometimes being in a hard place is better than
being in no place at all. And that good really does come from bad.
It was so hard to stop; almost unbearable.
I remember lying on my bed and forcing myself not to move.
It took over an hour, but the urge finally passed. One afternoon I was walking
in the hardware store with my dad, and we walked down an aisle with every type
of blade ever made by man. And I craved them, like I never craved anything
before. My skin ached and I became jittery. I was an addict hurting for a fix.
As the months have passed, the lust has subsided, but it’s
always there. And I know it always will be. I will always struggle with
self-harm and depression. But as long as I remember to breathe, I know I can
make it to the next hour and to the next aisle and through my life.
