Fire-Flies

I've been feeling like there are so many people I know that are dying lately. I mean, I might not know them "know" them. I guess I should say, I know "of" them... Still, a lot of young amazing people are dying and it isn't RIGHT!

A few months ago, an amazing drummer died of cancer - Chase Lovelace was only 24 years old. I had met Chase a handful of times, he was such a happy, joyful spirit and MAN! did he play the drums wickedly. He played in a few of my favorite bands (that's how I knew him) Pillar, Stars Go Dim and Superchick.

In the beginning of last week Talia Joy Castellano died at the age of 13, from cancer. She had been fighting the good fight since she was seven! Instead of wearing wigs to cover her bald head (because of the chemo) she became a master of make-up and made tutorials on YouTube (how I found out about her) showing people how to do their make-up flawlessly.Make up was her wig.

This past weekend a Simmer (gamer) on YouTube died at the age of 25 years old. Quxxn, had had lung problems for many years. She went in for an operation, got an infection and then her body had enough and she died.

And let's not forget about Matthew Warren who was 27 years old when he took his own life a few months ago. He had been struggling with depression and suicide for years. 

This breaks my heart so much. The enemy is working over time, crushing out shinning stars before they get too bright. And it makes me so angry! How dare he do that! Taking out God's children, like it's nothing!

And then, I think about myself (cause I'm selfish like that), and how I have thoughts of suicide and how I make plans to take my own life. And that little God voice chimes in and is like: "Their life is important enough for you to get angry and upset about because it ended so short - but yours isn't?"

And I instantly feel convicted. Why is it others lives are important to me, but mine isn't? Why am I able to get angry, upset and pray for others that are getting messed with by the enemy, but I can't do that for myself? Why do I see others as shinning stars and I see myself as a black-hole? Why is it so easy for me to love others, but I can't love myself?

Yes -  I am angry. I am angry at the enemy for taking young lives too early and for messing with my mind. I'm angry at the enemy for not only killing people physically, but also emotinally and spiritually.

I'm angry at the enemy, and it's time I do something about it.

Send Pizza!

Earlier this week a photo posted on Reddit went viral and caught my eye on Yahoo! Shine.

The picture is of a home-made sign made out of tape on a hospital window that reads: "Send Pizza Rm 4112."

The sign was made by a two year old little girl that has Neuroblastoma cancer. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks and her mother & grandmother thought this would be a good and fun project to keep her distracted for a while. They never thought that pizza would actually come. But a few days later, someone posts the picture online and pizza started to rain from the sky. The parents of this adorable two year old and the hospital had to ask people to stop sending pizza because it was becoming too much.

Reading this article, made me smile and tear up a bit. My mother died from cancer, so cancer stories are really close to my heart. I can remember how important it was to my mom, my dad and me when people went out of their way to brighten our day or to do something nice for us when my mom was sick. The littlest things meant the world to us. So I can only imagine how much receiving pizza from strangers meant to this little girl.

She received so much pizza that they were able to have a pizza party with the other children on the floor and the staff. How cool is that?!

This type of out-pour of love, support and communion reminds me that God created us humans to build each other up - not tear each other down.

"Love WILL save the day."

To find out more information 
about Hazel (the little girl) and ways
 to help her and her family you can check out 
the family's blog, Facebook page and donation page.

A Whisper & A Clamor

"A Whisper & A Clamor"

by Anberlin

Growing tired of bedside resolve
Public display of depression
Something's got to give now
Something's going to break down
I grow tired of writing songs
While people listen but never hear what's really going on now
Tell me what's so wrong now

Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering
Clap your hands tonight
Hear what the silence screams
Clap your hands
Clap your hands now all ye children
Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight

For most who live and breathe
Hell is never knowing who they are now
Tell me who you are now
Finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?

Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering
Clap your hands tonight
Hear what the silence screams
Clap your hands
Clap your hands now all ye children
Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight
Clap your hands
Clap your hands now all ye children
Clap your hands
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight

It's not the lies that you sing
But what the silence will scream
It's not the lies that you sing
But what the silence will scream
It's not the lies that you sing
But what the silence will scream

Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering
Clap your hands tonight
Hear what the silence screams
Clap your hands
Clap your hands now all ye children
Clap your hands all ye children
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight

Scars to Stars

I've been listening to Air1 a lot the last few weeks. I listen to music in a cycle. For a while all I will listen to are play-list's that I've created. Then I'll move to a certain artist and then another artist. Then I listen to one song non-stop for weeks at a time. And then I finally make my way back to the radio. Where I discover or re-discover music that I love, I create new play-list's and the cycle starts all over again.

Last night a song played on the radio that I had completely forgotten about.



When I was at Teen Mania, I became OBSESSED with Switchfoot. I found people all over campus that had their music; I borrowed CD's and I listened to them non-stop for a few months straight. I secretly fell in love with Jon Foreman's voice.

Late at night, I would go out to the gazebo behind the dorms and I would lay in the grass on a blanket. I would take my journal, Bible and iPod. And I would just lay there under the stars listening to music. I felt so lost at Teen Mania, I had so many personal issues and I didn't know how to take care of them - so I isolated myself a lot.

I've always felt a special connection to the stars and the star shape. I mean, I go by Stella Star for goodness sake! Ha ha. So it should be no surprise that I gravitate towards songs that sing about stars, what they are or how they make people feel.

So, when I found 'Stars' by Switchfoot at a time in my life where I felt so disconnected and like an outcast - it brought me peace and hope.

"When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars I feel like myself

When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone..."

Yes, I had problems. Yes I struggled with depression and self-harm. And yes, I was the one to blame. But when I finally admitted that, admitted I was damaged - I realized I wasn't the only one. And I realized that I couldn't save myself. I had to ask for help; I had to reach out for help. And no, I didn't do that while at Teen Mania, my healing process didn't start till after I left. But God started working in me. He built up my strength and courage in the conversations I had and in the music I listened to.

God kept me safe, until I was ready. Truly read to examine my scars.

Song: "Stars" by Switchfoot

Dead Come To Life

"Dead Come To Life"

by Jonathan Thulin

I am the living dead, you are the opposite
We're like fire and ice only one can survive
My will's departed
 

Light is in your eyes reaching to mine
I am
A valley of bones covered in stone
Nothing more than human
Into the unknown body and soul
You're calling me cause only with you the
Dead come to life, dead come to life
Only with you the dead come to life,
Dead come to life
I am a foreigner, caught in the crossfire
I am paralyzed by the battle cries can you
Hear it.
Light is in your eyes reaching to mine
I am
A valley of bones covered in stone
Nothing more than human
Into the unknown body and soul
You're calling me cause only with you the
Dead come to life, dead come to life
Only with you the dead come to life,
Dead come to life
 

We are the dry and thirsty sand
Upon this dry and thirsty land
But you speak life into the flesh
Breathing air into the dead.

Angel's Wings

"This is the day the Lord has made;

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

-Psalm 118:24; New King James Version 

A couple of years ago, I started to associate July the 7th with this verse. I had to forcefully change the thoughts of my mind. I had to chose to be happy, instead of depressed. Which is odd, because at the time I would try to change my thought patterns about other things and it didn't work. But for this it did, I think because I was heavily in denial and it was easier to force happy then accept what was the truth.

I also started to use the phrase: "Happy July 7th!" I knew I had to bring joy into this day for myself, or the guilt and remorse would eat me alive. 

For a long time, I blamed myself for my mother's death. Depending on the day, I still do. Whenever I have that thought, I feel so guilty and I hate myself...

A few years ago, I was involved in this therapy called Theophostic Prayer.

"Theophostic is a ministry of helping emotionally wounded people to acknowledge and to identify the true source of their inner emotional pain and find lasting peace through receiving personalized truth directly from the Lord." 

- Source.

In the sessions, you pick a topic (situation) that you would like to work though, you explain it a bit to the facilitator and then you ask the Lord to show you what He saw or felt during the situation or ask why.

I think it was April 20th when I had my session about the day my mom died. The day of her birth. I was so full of emotions, anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, and hatred for myself. I was extremely triggered and completely on edge that my mentor and I had to have an emergency session.

My mentor at the time was learning how to become a facilitator for Theophostic and since my normal facilitator was unavailable we had a session just the two of us. 

I don't exactly remember what happened that day. I don't remember what God told me or what I said. But I remember from that day, it wasn't as hard to face my mother's passing. I finally felt peace that it was God's will and I truly accepted that I wasn't alone that day.

One of the major reason's I blamed myself, was because I woke up that day knowing something was going to happen. I've said this before on this blog; I have a gift where I can sense the spiritual realm. I can sense and sometimes see things in the spiritual world. 

During this session of working through the day my mom passed, somehow the guilt I had of knowing something was going to happen came up. And God revealed to me that it was all the angels. They were preparing for my mom. They were getting ready to take her home. The feeling I had, the sense of something was off, I was sensing the excitement of Heaven. I took the feeling as a bad one, but it wasn't, it was a good one - a great one!

The more we worked through the memory the more God relieved Himself to me. I was starting to understand - at least my feelings. 

I then started to talk about another guilt of mine. I stood next to my mother's side when she started to slip away. I hated myself for not running to call the ambulance sooner. I stood next to her, until I knew she was gone and then I panicked and ran to get help. I hated myself for not going sooner, for waiting until it was too late.

And then God showed me a vision of me by my mother's side and this HUGE angel beside us. He was just standing there, with us. His wings held up, stretched out. And he just stood there, behind me. I watched as the whole scene played out and the angel never moved. When I panicked and screamed and ran for help, he didn't flee, he didn't leave - he stayed with me. He never left my side.

I wasn't alone that day. I thought I was. But I wasn't. God sent angels for my mother and God sent an angel for me. God was watching out for me. This day that brought me so much pain, hurt and guilt wasn't supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be a day of peace and joy.

Today, makes 8 years since my mother has been in Heaven. I had so many memories of our time together today. But this memory stood out to me the most. Not because it was the last one we had, or because it was so traumatizing. But because I know it was the greatest one. I was with my mother when she went to Heaven. I felt the angels that took her. 

I know for a fact that she was okay. That she is okay. And that I was okay too.

Hello, My Name Is

"Hello, My Name Is"

by Matthew West

Hello, my name is regret
I'm pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I'm the whisper inside
That won't let you forget

Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I'll drag you right back down again
‘Til you've lost all belief

These are the voices, these are the lies
And I have believed them, for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed,
And I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it's true
Just take a look at my life

What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King

We Fall Apart

"We Fall Apart"

by We As Human

The worlds on fire but we're all smiling
Though it's all our fault
But life is short so we resort to laughing through it all

It's the battle within the good and the sin
With both sides standing strong
It's the permanent scars
How broken we are
It's the things that hurt us all

But isn't it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
Isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

You're a liar but I'm a coward so I can't throw a stone
We're so imperfect but so worth it because we're not alone

It's the wars that we wage, the lives that we take
For better or for worse

It's the lion we cage, the love and the rage
That keeps us wanting more

But isn't it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

The world is dark but all it takes
your love to spark
To set my heart on fire once again

But isn't it beautiful
The way we fall apart
Isn't it beautiful
oh, isn't it wonderful
The way we fall apart
It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

Isn't it beautiful
The way we fall apart

Ruth

A couple of years ago I was going through a Build a Bear phase, I went to that store about once a month. I either bought a bear or an accessory for my bears. I was beyond obsessed.

In this period of my life, I was feeling extremely depressed and alone. When July 7th approached me (the day my mother passed), the only thing I knew I wanted to do was to be happy. I went to work, came home, got changed and spent the entire day shopping and doing random silly things. I bought cake and cookie mix and I made a cake to represent me and my mom. It was a good day. One of the few I had that year.

During my adventures that day I went to Build a Bear and I made a bear in remembrance of my mom. I picked a pink bear (my mother's favorite color), put her in a white eyelet skirt and named her Ruth (my mother's middle name). I bought a few other accessories, but I purposely left her bare (no pun intended - hehehe).

I wanted to be able to add to the bear as the years went on. Something I could do every year on July 7th to bring joy to my life.

This year, I have plans on July 7th so I knew I wouldn't be able to get Ruth anything on her exact birthday so I went a few days early to the store and got her a tutu. I'm obsessed with tutu's at the moment, I wore one for my birthday.

Ruth is slowly getting put together - and so am I.