He Hears Her When She Cries

I’ve really been struggling with my depression this last month. I’ve almost cut myself three times. This last temptation, almost won, but I was drowning so far down that I couldn’t pull myself up enough to do it.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But, it’s not like I’ve ever really “known” what I’m doing. I flounder, it’s what I do. I bounce from space to space, never grappling to anything in particular. I’m like a helium balloon that’s been released. I just float; higher and higher, deeper and deeper.

I’ve been growing bigger on YouTube, which has been keeping me occupied; but doesn’t completely distract me. I keep thinking; if I killed myself, would my fireflies know? How would they take that?

I’m trying to stay strong. I’m trying to stay. But the darkness is calling me again. And its voice is so sweet… I just want to lay and rest.

I know these thoughts are wrong, and that I shouldn’t entertain them.

I have these young fans that look up to me. They call me their best friend; say that they love me, that I get them through the day. They say that I am this amazing person and I try to see myself through their eyes… But I can’t.

I don’t see anything, I just feel pain.

How can I help them, when I’m so empty?

How can I be a positive influence, when all I want to do it die?

…And then I breathe, and say a prayer and close my eyes. Because I know in the morning I will wake, and deep down, I’m glad for that. 

Song that accompanies this post:
 "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole.