Air That I Breathe

I almost cut myself today.

In my mind, I had already done it. I saw myself with a razor, pulling it across my wrist and seeing the blood. I can remember in the past the turmoil I would feel about cutting. Emotionally I wouldn’t want to do it, but my flesh would and once my mind was made up – there was no stopping me.

The weird thing about today is that I could see myself cutting in my mind. My mind had made the decision to harm, but my spirit hadn’t. I stood in my room, looking at my wrist, my mind seeing blood and then the next second I saw a sign that I had seen a few weeks before.

“Celebrate your Recovery, Tuesday Nights at 6:30pm.” I saw the sign a couple of weeks ago, in front of a church, and I knew instantly what it was. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ based recovery group for hurts, habits and hang-ups.  

I raised my eyes from my wrists to my clock, 5:58pm. I got dressed, grabbed my journal and got into Thomas. I drove to the church, entered the building and sat for the lesson. Everything happened so fast, just as quickly as my mind made the decision to cut; it made the decision to go.

I learned something today, about myself; I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. When my mind made the ‘decision’ to cut, my spirit hadn’t. My soul hadn’t. Of course my mind is going to jump to self-harm, that’s how I trained my mind to react. When I had the thought today there was no wanting, no craving, no desire – it was exactly that, a thought.

And just as quickly as I had this negative thought, I had a positive one. One that sought out God.

That makes me happy, and a little proud. Cause even though I see nothing but my hang-ups, I’m slowly transforming my mind. And that’s something to celebrate!

 Source.

 The song I was listening to while writing this post:

'Air That I Breathe' by Rapture Ruckus