I'm a Firefly

Today was a big milestone day for me on YouTube; for two reasons.

Reason #1: I got my first “hate” comment. I struggled a really long time with the decision to delete the comment and pretend it never happened or to allow the comment to be posted and attempt a witty come back.

  

(This comment was left on my “Who Is Star?” video. My trailer for my channel, where I have my Sim-self do random activates that I enjoy.)

It wasn’t the wittiest come back, and it probably didn’t make the poster think twice. But I stood up for myself. I owned me and I didn’t allow someone else to make me feel bad about who I am. Who I am proud to be.

Reason #2: I hit 100 subscribers. That means I have 100 followers, people who think that my videos are worth watching, that they want to be notified every time I make a video.

Excuse me, WHAT!?? 

Dude! I can’t even come to terms with that. How is that possible? How is it possible that that many people would want to watch me play The Sims 3 and listen to my random (and sometimes inaudible) gibber-gabber?

That’s just mind-blowing to me. To someone who feels (most of the time) that they’re making no difference in the world. To have 100 people say: “Hey! I like you, there’s something about you that makes me want to know more about you and keep tabs on you”.

It’s extremely humbling. And awe-inspiring at the same time.

Train Me Up

Today at church, the pastor was teaching on how we need to be warriors. How we need to be warriors for God and how we need to go to battle to fight for God's people.

The pastor then touched the subject that if you're dealing/struggling with something that you can't shake, that the enemy just keeps coming at you, that probably means you're doing something right or that you're a priority to God.

"Why would the enemy send a foot solider to take out a general?"

And all I could think of was: "I'm the one with the red band!"

When I lived in Texas and was in the middle of my healing journey, I would sit in the church's prayer chapel and I would meditate on God. God would reveal things to me either in words or in pictures. One day God showed me a vision of me and the atmosphere around me. I had to draw it out.

"The heart represents the soul. The yellow represents God and the gray represents the enemy. The dark gray represents the strongholds the enemy still has. The light grey represents where the enemy has lost control. Sin is still there but it is no longer trapped. God can now go in and heal.

The demons split tail represents his indecisiveness; trying to make me doubt. The red band around his head means he’s one of the best. The notches in his band represent the lives he’s destroyed." - Posted on my Facebook; October 31, 2009

After I drew out the drawing, I wrote this on the back of the drawing. The next day I showed the drawing to my mentor and the pastor's wife. I had shared these types of drawings with them before. But this one was different. 

Most of the things I 'see', 'sense' or 'feel' have no real evidence of truth, and honestly, I don't fully believe 100% that they're from God. There's always the doubt that I do have that active of an imagination.

After I shared my drawing and the description of it, my mentor shared a story.

"It's interesting that you mention the red band. I heard a missionary share a story of a possessed man. He was acting crazy and causing havoc. The missionary talked to the demon and asked the demon why he was doing this. The demon replied with 'I'm the one with the red band'. The missionary said that the demon acted like the red band meant seniority." 

This was the first, and only, time something I've 'seen' has been confirmed. And it's always stuck with me.

The pastor then went on to say, that God gives us our calling but then sends us back to where we were before He gave us the calling. God might tell us our purpose, but doesn't always immediately put us to work in it. And that in those moment, God works in us to builds us up and trains us in order to fight.

The last few years, I haven't really been listening to God's voice. I haven't been meditating on Him or His words. I haven't been willing to listen to the words He tells me or to draw out visions He gives me. I've completely pulled away from my spiritual gifts.

It's no coincidence that a group I've been going to has been focusing on this the last few weeks. Working and nurturing your spiritual gifts. It's also no coincidence that this has been re-awakening them (my spiritual gifts). And, it's also far from a coincidence that this was the pastor's topic this morning. Or that I've become restless with my contentment. 

I think God's getting ready to bring me back into training again. I feel scared, because I don't know if I'm ready to battle. But it also gives me a breath of fresh air, because I'm tired of sitting still. 

I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I have a waring spirit and I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. I'm TIRED of the enemy thinking he can push me or others around. 

I'm not ready for battle. But I am ready for training.

Because of You

Source.

When I was an adolescent and was struggling with my depression and self-harm, I would say: "It doesn't matter what I go through, as long as God brings me through it and I can save one persons life". 

I realize now, that was a REALLY stupid thing to say. Yes, my intent was pure and innocent. But I have no doubt in my mind that the enemy took that statement and ran with it. The enemy pushed me to my limits. The enemy hit me with everything he had and I put a bigger target over my head then there already was. 

Lately, I've been feeling more like this will never happen. That all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for nothing and that I will never positively affect another persons life (or the world).

 

I've been in a slump. I haven't done anything productive or positive in my life (physical or spiritual), in the last three years. I'm just here. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.

The last few days, I've really been convicted by the fact that I'm not living as a Forsaken Fighter. That I'm not living 'on the front lines'. For a long time, I've been feeling like I've been wasting my life. 

 

But, on the other hand, I don't really feel motivated to do anything. To improve myself or my life.

I've just recently come out of a bad patch. I feel like I was beaten to a pulp and then set on fire. I'm no where near ready to be motivated to do anything. Let alone be an 'example' or a 'light'. And won't be ready to fight any time soon.

But that doesn't stop the guilt or shame that I'm wasting my time. That doesn't stop the thoughts that I'm not a fighter but a coward. Or the turmoil I feel that my life means nothing.

I feel defeated, and I don't know if I have it in me to get back up.

stars

Source.

Puppy in the Stroller

Since October I’ve been walking the dogs on and off on a daily basis. After Christmas, I noticed that Mona started getting really tired half way through our walk.

This got me thinking… we’ve had Mona for about eight years. We rescued her from a family member, who got her from someone else. Mona was used as a breeding dog for years before we got her. So, with this guessmathiation that puts her at around 13, maybe 14 years old.

Every morning I drive me and the puppies to the park, where we walk the park three times. In the beginning of January, I started placing Mona back in the car after only one walk around, because I knew she couldn’t keep up – and I felt awful about it.

A few months back, I heard about a cat stroller. And I thought, “That would work”. So I started looking online and at local pet stores to see if I could find a reasonably priced one; but had no luck.

Then, over the weekend I went to the swap met with my family and guess what I ran into?! A doggie stroller, after a little haggling I got it for an unbelievable price of $25.

As soon as I got home I set the stroller up and ran outside to grab Mona. I slowly adjusted her to it; letting her see it, getting her close to it, moving it around her, me holding her and moving it. After a couple of minutes I placed her in it, without closing it up, I played with her, petted her and gave her kisses. I then zipped her in and pushed her down the street and back. To say she LOVED IT would be an understatement.

So the next day, I walked Mona (and the other dogs) one time around the park and then we headed back to the car and I pulled the stroller out of the trunk. As soon as the stroller was out of the car and in the upright position, Mona walked right to it and sat next to it panting – she knew what it meant. I threw Mona in, zipped her up and she was ready to go. The other dogs on the other hand…

It took Boo a couple of minutes to get use to being hooked up to it, but she adjusted quickly. However, Parker being the baby that he is, acted like he was going to die. It took him a full circle around the park to realize that the stroller wasn’t going to kill him and that he couldn’t escape from it.

After a couple of days, all the dogs seem to have adjusted well. I’ve gotten a few weird looks and laughs with pushing a puppy in a stroller around. But Mona loves it and I don’t have to leave her behind. It’s a win, win.

With all the new adjustments to accommodate Mona, it’s really made me realize how fast time is moving. I’m slowly starting to realize that Mona is slowing down; she’s become less active and sleeps so much more. My sweet little psycho angel is coming to the end of her life – and that frightens me.

All I can do is continue to give her all my love, care, attention and make the rest of her life as amazing as possible… And continue to spoil her.

Untitled

I've been working on this picture for a few days now.

As in all heart drawing I make. The heart is mine. You see the outside red shell of the heart and then the inside of the heart is put into three pieces. This can represent God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Or, it could be what makes up my heart: God, my emotions/mind and my environment.

The heart has locked itself into a dark box. And has placed up "protective" tools to keep the box intact. An umbrella is set on top of the box to protect it from the holy cleansing water of the Spirit. And a metal sheet is placed on the side of the box to protect it from the renewing fire of the Spirit.

There's something missing, in the left corner; but I can't see it just yet. And I don't have a title for it either.

But just looking at the picture and seeing what it represents, is frightening. After everything I've done and been through. After all the stages of my heart. I'm still keeping it locked up, under protection and away from God.

Why? Why am I doing that?

Spin

Cycling

I’ve stated before on here, that I go through manic episodes of journaling/blogging.

I go through stages where I write everything out; all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and actions. I document my entire day. By either writing or typing it out, or by taking pictures. That’s usually when I’m feeling ‘normal’, like myself.

Or when I’m ‘manic’, when I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me. It’s the only thing that keeps me stable and centered.

But when I’m depressed, down and indifferent; I can’t be bothered by documenting my existence.

Lately, I haven’t been bothered to document my existence. But today, I had a manic episode, and the only thing I could seem to control was my hand to hold a pen to form words.

I wrote all of that, TODAY. Just today, I wrote 24 pages. And everything I wrote about, I hadn’t written about before. I don’t know if I became manic because I was keeping all this in, or because I was manic, I was finally forced to write everything out.

All I know is that I really need to stop these spurts of ‘on and off again’ writing. Writing is the only thing that grounds me. You’d think I would learn that by now and stop all of my cycling.

1 Peter 2:24

Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." – Psalm 139:14

bandages...

Pedalin'

Psalm 139:14

 Source.
 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

No, I'm Not Alright

Source.

After two years of being self-harm free, I fell back into the lie-truth that hurting myself would 'make things better'... And I really don't know how I feel about that.

"If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside "

- 'I'm Not Alright' by Sanctus Real

Twihards

A couple of years ago, when I lived in Colorado, my roommate and I were house-sitting for friends. My roommate came up with this awesome idea that we should play a prank on them.

We knew that they both "LOVED" Twilight (sarcasm implied), so we decided we would give their home a makeover. We made props, bought posters, printed out pictures, made them a fan-fiction, and changed their FB status', profile pictures and liked EVERY Twilight fan page we could find.

One of the last things we did, we went to the Goodwill found the Twilight and New Moon books and highlighted the cheesiest parts of the books we could find. I Google-ed it – there’s a LOT. We then ripped out the pages and placed them ALL over the house. We put some in plain sight and we hid others (okay, we hid a lot). We hid the pages in books, movies, games, behind pictures, in cups, shoes, drawers; anywhere we could hide them – we did.

Since the prank, the friend has been finding the pages randomly. A few nights ago, she found another page. It's been 2+ years and she's moved a few times, and yet the prank is still going strong.

This makes me smile and giggle like a crushing tween girl. Hehehe. 

 "It's like my home decor has herpes. 

You think you find it all, but it just keeps coming... 
And never goes away!" -friend

I Heart Revell

A couple of weeks ago, I entered this book give-away/contest by Revell and I won! I got my 11 books in the mail today. I cannot wait to start reading them!

I entered the contest for one particular book, by Melody Carlson. But, I was sooo BLOWN away by all the other books I got in the set. Another book I got, I've been wanting for a while - I got super EXCITED!

This was definitely a god-thing.

I can't wait to dig in!

10:10

Source.

"It's 10/10, so speak up about how John 10:10 affects your life and/or how SKAD has affected you!" - Taken from the 'Steal Kill And Destroy' Facebook page

The enemy made me believe that my words and voice weren't important, that they had no power and no one would listen when I spoke. I stuffed and buried every thought and emotion. I created this well of hurt and pain. And one day, the well became too full and over flowed. That day I placed a blade to my skin to find a release and started to believe the lie that cutting would make everything better.

After years of mental and spiritual healing, the Lord has given me my voice back.

The torment the enemy had used to lock me inside myself; the Lord is now using to free me. In my darkest hours I couldn’t speak, but I could write. The Lord is blessing my written words of vulnerability, honesty and sincerity to grow and heal not only myself but others as well.