Fall to Pieces

It’s strange how memories fade and how even the pain of emotion can subside, but in an instant it all comes rushing back. Like the pressure of a damn being released, and how the water saturates everything in its path. How it makes you paralyzed and anxious all at once.

Human memories and emotions are funny that way.

The other day, I attended a funeral of a family member that I didn't know. So when I felt a strong sting of emotion I didn't know how to respond, I was taken off guard.

My first reaction was: ‘I need a blade now!’ And then I instantly rebuffed the thought with: ‘I can do this!’ I hadn't experienced these emotions in years; I thought I'd worked through them. I thought I overcame this painful memory.

I instantly knew the enemy was taunting me. He was trying to cause havoc, to make me falter to have me loose absolute control and to fall apart. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was safe. That everything was going to be okay...

And that he couldn't hurt me anymore.

I was molested as a child, by a family member. Over the years, since the incident, I'd see him from time to time at different gatherings. Always from a distance, I've always made sure to stay away.

But this time, this time, was so uncomfortably close. I hadn't seen him in years. And now, there he stood an arm’s length away from me. I had my back to him, trying to block his existence, but then I had to turn and greet him.

The instant my hand touched his in a shake, I cringed and couldn't let go fast enough. Luckily our group instantly started moving and I was able to distract myself. This was when my silent battle started.

Tears rushed to my eyes, my breathing quickened, and my mind raced. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast! Either allow the emotions to take over or fight; fight against the hurt and pain and NOT allow myself to be a victim any longer.

“I can do this.” I said quietly out loud to myself.

We found our seats, and again the enemy taunted me, there he sat right in front of me. I quickly started quoting scriptures and prayed a desperate cry of help.

“By His wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.

A technique I learned in therapy came to me; I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

‘If little Star lived through this horrific situation, big Star can too.’ I lived through the situation once, I could relive it emotionally again. I’m stronger now. Braver. He no longer has the power to hurt me. I’m in control.

Once I took the power back, gradually I felt peace. The memories were still there, they were uncomfortable but not painful; the emotion was gone.

I had overcome the painful memory, I did work through the situation – but I never worked through the emotions of it.

The enemy saw the chink in my armor. The enemy thought throwing him at me would cause me to crumble. I faltered for a moment, but the warring – fighting spirit in me won.

For the first time in a long time I felt strong.

I am a strong. I am brave. I AM A FIGHTER! I need to remember this more often.