The 27th Year

It’s so weird to think I’m turning 27 today. Not because I’m getting ‘older’, but because I never thought I’d live past my 21st birthday. I’ve lived six years more than I EVER thought I would.

There are so many moments where I tried to snuff out my light.

I should be dead.

I should have never woken up.

There was a time in my life, where I begged God to let me die. I couldn’t understand why He couldn’t just let me go.

The harder I tried, the tighter He gripped me.

I was so angry. I couldn’t see, I didn’t understand.

I’ve always felt alone and invisible. I’ve never thought that I’ve mattered.

But this last year, I’m starting to see a glimpse. A glimmer of what my purpose might possibly be.

I started making gaming videos and placed them on YouTube for others to see. I was hoping to make a friend or two.

Honestly, I was reaching; I was reaching for anything to keep myself stable. Something to distract myself, and to trick myself into thinking that I WASN’T wasting my life.

From a young age, I knew I was made for something bigger then myself. I just didn’t know what that something was. And over the years, I’ve really started to doubt myself. How can a girl like me, change the world?

I’ve defiantly made more than a friend or two, these last 8 months on YouTube. I’ve created this family of support, love and motivation. I could have NEVER imagined, posting short videos of me rambling incoherently could EVER make an impact. And I NEVER thought that making these videos would bring me healing.

I call my family, Fireflies. Small, bright lights of hope in the darkness. Who would have thought, that I would find my light posting gaming videos online? Who would have thought that ANYONE would have noticed my dimly lit light?

I had been posting videos online for a few months, when I almost threw in the towel. My Fireflies were calling out to me; they said I brightened their day, that they looked up to me and that I was changing their lives – it was too much for me to handle.

I had started to listen to the darkness.

You’re not worthy.

You’re worthless.

You’re damaged.

How can a depressed self-harming suicidal girl help anyone?

The darkness started closing in on me. Closer and closer. Tighter and tighter. The darkness was right.

I find myself looking back on my journal entries often when I’m searching.

So there I sat, in the middle of the night reading through my blog. And it all slowly started to click into place.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve overcome a lot in my life. I’ve fought and I’ve clawed myself out of the hole of death.

My destiny is not to die! My destiny is to LIVE! I am to live and to shine bright.

I AM A FIREFLY! Sure, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. And I DO still struggle with depression. But that doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or that my light is covered.

I can share my thoughts. I can share my experiences. I can tell my stories and pour out my heart. I CAN help others! 

Even if the only reason I was placed on this Earth was to post short videos of me rambling incoherently to brighten others days.

THEN THANK GOD! Thank God I didn’t die. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered.

I’m a fighter!

I’m a firefly!

I’M ALIVE!