Decisions

If you could go back in time and prevent one thing from ever happening; what would it be?

Dating a certain person, smoking for the first time, drinking, never getting in that car, not taking that picture – what would it be? It could be as big or little as you want it to be. It would prevent everything else from happening. What would be the one thing you’d take back from EVER happening?

For me; locking myself in my room and believing the lie that taking a blade to my skin would only happen once.

A friend had told me she was cutting a few weeks earlier; she said she never thought she would ever cut, but that when she did it felt so good. When I heard her say that, I couldn’t believe her. How could causing yourself harm feel good? After that day, that thought never left me; cutting feeling good. I played with the thought for weeks – and one day the thought became an action.

I knew where my mom kept her razors; I walked into the bathroom, leaned down and grabbed a new razor out of a bag. I looked at it and studied it; I still couldn’t believe I was going to do what I was going to do. I grabbed tissue and then went to my room. Locking the door behind me I sat on my bed as I pulled up my pant leg and pushed down my sock. I lifted the razor to my ankle and placed it to my skin; I pulled away a few times, still not fully sure.

After a while I pushed hard on the razor and pulled down hard. The instant sting of the razor made me grind my teeth; I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. It did feel good. I looked at my ankle and instantly blood drew. I sat on my bed in shock.

In disbelief I did it again and again and again. Before I knew it I had cut the full length and width of my ankle and had cut up my leg. It felt so good, I couldn’t stop – and still can’t. But just as quickly as I started to cut, cutting couldn’t content me; I needed more pain. I quickly started to burn, than brand, scratch, hair pull and then eating disorders. I seeked pain and how I could cause it. Nothing lasted very long.

Not too quickly after I started to cut did I start to think about suicide. It became an obsession of mine.

I was so depressed, so sad, I was always alone, always isolating myself; I had trapped myself within early on and didn’t know how to escape.

Running with God

Do you ever have on of those moments that just sticks with you; it's a moment that constantly comes to your memory and provokes an emotion. I have many of those; I do so many random things that I defiantly make memories and I have so many random things happen to me that it makes life interesting.

One moment that always brings a smile to my face and reminds me of how loving & caring our God is; is a moment that happened in corporate. Corporate is definitely not one of my favorite times of the week; waking up early and running is just not my cup of tea!

The internship was training, trying to get ready for the mountain LTE; so we were running everyday. One Friday, almost near the end of the training, I had had enough of running; I was running by myself because I'm so slow that I didn't want to slow a partner down. I had ran (and walked) almost the entire requirement for the day. I was tired, exhausted and running out of breath; I was not a happy camper.

But as I learned during gauntlet week, bringing God into corporate does help to motivate you and to keep you going. I was praying, singing and reciting scripture; doing anything to keep me going.

During my entire run I kept making goals for myself; setting up markers to where I would run. This kept me going for a while; run, pray, run, sing, run, marker, run, breath, run, pray, pray, run.

I made a turn and was exhausted! I didn't want to run any more but I knew that I had too. “Come on God! Don't give up! We can do it. Keep running!” I spoke out loud to God. I knew God was smiling down at me: “Alright. I'm coming!”

Ran a little more and was about half way done with my final loop. I made the same turn again and was even more tried than the last time. I slowed down to a walk. “I can't do this! I give up!” I felt like I couldn't take another step. I stopped and took a few deep breaths. I was tried, exhausted and wanted to give up. I was done.

“Come on. Walk to the pole. You can make it! Walk to the pole. We can do it!” God told me. I smiled and laughed loudly as I took a deep breath and ran to the pole and continued going.

The best running partner you'll ever have – God. He keeps you going!

Poems

'Worthless Efforts

A perfectly designed empty shell.
Flawless moves of hypocrisy.
Beautiful words in empty nothingness.
Perfect pretender.
Your praise is a foul stench.

I hear your cries;
But I need more than cries of surrender.

How many times do I need to break your heart
- Until you follow me?

Your soul longs for me.
To sit in my lap and to bask in my glory.
But you hold yourself back!
Come to my voice and trust in my words.
I will break all bondages over you;
-And set you free!

But continue down the path you're going,
-And you'll be forever lost in the confusion.

Believe in me, believe in my love for you.
And I will break the mold -
That the enemy has made to be your coffin.

'Untitled'
By Stella Star Cordova

You know the desires of my heart;
But you also know the hatred.

I feel like I should praise you.
My soul longs to worship you.
But my heart refuses to connect.
And my mind rejects the truth in front of me.

I long for your intimate touch.
For your sweet embrace.
Touch my soul and make it hurt.

There's a song in my soul longing to be a sweet sound to your ears.
But the humanly words that I know; are not enough.
My soul breaks because I can not give you the praise you deserve.

And when that day comes;
When I stand before you.
I will be scared -
For I will know that I have not done your will.

My love song is far from a serenade.