A couple of months back I met this person online and we
started talking back and forth. We only exchanged a few emails; I realized
pretty quickly that this person and I didn’t mesh well. They sent me an email
and I just never replied, maybe that was wrong of me. Maybe I should have
replied back and told them that their last email gave me some red flags and
that I wasn’t interested in continuing our friendship.
I hate when people write me off like that, they just
ignore you and act like you don’t exist. They don’t have the decency to treat
you like a human-being. I was wrong. I should have said something.
However, I am only human and I hate confrontation. I try
to act all tough, strong and in your face – but in reality I’m afraid. I’m weak
and have horrible self-esteem issues. After a hotly spat comment, most would
let it roll of their backs; move on. But me, I dwell on it; over and over again
until it rips my inwards to shreds.
Words, especially written words, are my life. Ink to paper,
cursor to screen; this is where I found myself. It’s my safe haven. My home. It’s
the only act that I’ve found that truly makes me ‘feel better’; the one and only good coping skill that I have.
Words are existence. Words are power. Words give authority,
and take it away. Words changes and destroys life. Words are freedom, freedom
from our sometimes dark selves.
Words are my being.
Last night I got an email, from the person that I
mentioned earlier in this post. They wrote me (what I consider) an angry
letter.
They called me a bad person, rude, pathetic and a ‘lunatic’. They said I was a horrible ‘Christian’. That they hoped bad things
would happen to me and that I would continue to harm myself; “cut
yourself and cut your throat”.
I’m trying to forget the hurtful words that I read. I’m
praying for God to help me pass this.
I did reply back to this person’s recent email, and I
told them they were right. I should have wrote them back and told them I was no
longer interested in communicating. I
told them I was sorry. I told them why I stopped communicating with them; what
the reasons where.
I also told them, that my intuition was right (because of
their action in writing the recent email). And that I would have never cursed
them or said such horrible things about them or to them.
They replied back with another anger filled email. I read
only half of it.
I think the thing that hurts me the most in this
situation is the fact that a person who knows nothing of me, that I only wrote
three or four emails to, would say such horrible things to me and about me. I
know I shouldn’t be shocked, I’m fully aware that people like this do exist
(even before this email). But still, how could someone do such a thing to
another human being?
The way they threw my self-harm in my face; acted like I
was a lesser person, worthless, because I’ve placed a blade to my skin in my
past. I actually get this a lot from other Christians and ‘believers’. Most of the time I just put it off as ‘ignorance’ but this time… this time it
punctured my heart.
“Cut yourself and cut your throat”.
I’ve attempted suicide, I don’t know how many times. But
for someone to say that I should kill myself… that’s, that’s ludicrous! And they say that they “follow Jesus”! I know, that’s a low
blow and I shouldn’t say such judgmental things… but a person that I’ve only
talked to a handful of times (in email) wants me to kill myself because I didn’t
respond to them.
I didn’t respect them. I didn’t honor them. I didn’t acknowledge
them as a human being, or as child of God.
Yes, I might have done wrong. But I don’t think I deserve
the emails they wrote. I struggle enough, within my own mind, with my own words
and thoughts – I don’t need added fuel from negative outsiders.
“Cut
your throat”.
This sentence will haunt me, for who knows how many days
to come. All I can do is have hope and faith that this won’t come true.
