Chains, Not Necklaces

I spend a lot of time with my aunt, I love her dearly and she is one of the most important people in my life. We are similar in so many ways. We’re always on the same wave-link, but even with our same taste in toys, food and movies there’s so much that we differ in.

One day, I was hanging out with her and her granddaughter (my second cousin) when a conversation took place that I wasn’t comfortable with.

Cousin: 'Mommy says boys don’t wear necklaces'.
Aunt: 'That’s right. Girls wear necklaces and boys wear chains'.

How odd is it that we have to create a completely new word for an item that’s the exact same thing just so it can be gender specific?

And of course it would be taboo if the “chain” was thin and had a charm hanging from it; or had any decoration that might be considered “feminine”.

Why can’t a boy wear a necklace? Or play with a doll, wear a dress, paint their nails?

Little girls have a little more “creative” freedom. They can play with cars, action-figures, and play dress up in anything they want to. Because that “creativity” makes them stronger and more confidant. But if little boys play with "girl toys" or like the color pink, it makes them weak.

It saddens me that we live in a double standard world. That is FAR from changing.

You Are LOVED!

Mercy triumphs over judgement. What a powerful and life-changing concept - if we can accept it.

Sometimes that's the hardest part. It can be so hard for us to accept God's love and mercy. It's in His out stretched hand, all we have to do is grasp it and be dramatically changed.

I encourage you to watch this video and allow God's mercy, grace and love to dramatically change you.

Stop standing on your own, you don't have to any more.

be blessed (for Mami)

Today marks 10 years that my mother has passed. I've tried so hard to come up with a meaningful idea to memorialize my mother on this day. But I can't.

My heart is full of so many emotions. And my mind keeps going back to that day so many years ago. 

I was holding my mother when she took her last breath. She died in my arms. When my mother took her last breath, I knew it. I can still hear my scream echoing in my ears.

We were rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I had to sit with a social worker; and the Chaplin was there also. With his comforting words. To this day I still don't understand why he would say those words to a young person who had just lost their parent minutes before.

I can't remember her voice or her touch or the smell of her hair. I can't remember hardly anything about her. Except for that day.

Deep down, I still secretly blame myself. I was 17 years old, I was scared and freaked out. I didn't want to leave her side. I didn't want to leave her alone. She would have hated that. So I stayed by her side instead of calling for help.

I hated myself for that, for years. And still do, sometimes.

I'd like to think she'd like who I've become. That she'd be proud of me. But honestly, I don't know. I don't think she would... I'm so different then that young girl. I have so many more scars.

But one thing I do know. She'd tell me to stop crying, to whip my eyes and to keep moving forward. "Stop being stupid." She'd say. "Don't look at me, look to God."

My mom was a strong God-fearing women. I remember every morning before school,  she would pray over my coming and going. Pray a hedge of protection over me. That God would keep me safe. I know, without a doubt, that her prayers are the reason why I'm still here. Why I'm alive.

Yes, it's been a decade since she passed. But her faith and prayers are still going strong. And touching me still.

I might hate what I did. And I might hate this day. And I might not be able to remember anything. And she might not like who I've become. But she loved me so much, that her love is still reaching me now, 10 years later.

Maybe that's something to celebrate. Instead of mourning.

"This is the day the Lord has made; 

We will rejoice and be glad in it." 

- Psalm 118:24 New King James Version

Be blessed. I hope you have a grand glorious day.

Let Me Go

Why does love have to be so complicated? And hurt so much.

I’ve been dating this guy on and off for the last five years. We’re together for a couple of months and then we don’t speak for four or six months. He then comes crawling back to me and I always take him back; and the evil bitter cycle of hurt, disappointment and loneliness starts again.

I have a very strong, dominate and stubborn personality. I need someone by my side that can reign me in and keep me in check. Not someone I can push around and bully.

But he loves me, my bitchiness and all. He’s always there. And, he’s persistent.

No matter how many times I shove him in the mud and kick him in the face, he only wants me.

And that really messes with my head.

I mean, he has to love me to constantly deal with that – right? And even though I love him for never giving up on me, we’re never going to work out.

So, his constant pursuit of me is exhausting.

I can only hear his empty promises so many times. And my demands to “leave me alone” have no substance anymore, even to me.

Honesty

To some, I have weird boundaries and expectations for relationships. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in relationships, which in return have made me harden to make new ones. I admit it; I’m hard to get close to. I’ll only let you in so far, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. But, once I do let you in, I let you see everything – and sometimes that’s too much.

I only run on extremes, extreme up or extreme down. I’m aware that my extremes give whip-lash and frost-burn. It’s a quirk of my personality. And honestly, I feel if someone can’t accept that or go with the flow of it, then I don’t want them in my life.

Which leads me, to my first limitation/boundary for relationships: If you don’t care about me, then I won’t care about you. Harsh and probably cruel, but it’s how I feel.

We learn how to work with and in relationships by our family. They’re the first relationship in our lives that we’re exposed to. And in my family, in my own personal experience, I’ve learned that you can’t always trust what people say or even their actions.

I hate fakeness; I wish people would just come out and tell me the truth. Sure, it will hurt my emotions and cause me to dwell on the past conversation. But I would rather know everything then to know parts of a blemished puzzle.

My second limitation/boundary for relationships: Don’t tell me or say things to me that you don’t mean. Don’t tell me that you’re going to meet me somewhere, when you have no intentions of being there. Don’t tell me that you’re worried about me, when your actions don’t depict that. Don’t tell me that you care for me or love me, when you don’t.

To some, these two boundaries seem odd and unnecessary. But to me, they’re essential.

This past week I’ve had two relationship issues that have triggered me, and they both came back to these two core boundaries.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you only contact me when you need something. Don’t tell me that you care and worry about me, when you don’t ask important questions about my wellbeing. Don’t tell me that ‘you will love me’, because I don’t need it. I don’t need your love.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you call me selfish and crazy. Don’t say that you care for me, when I share something honest and vulnerable with you and you act like your world is falling apart. Don’t say you love me, when you know nothing about me.

I don’t need your love. And I don’t need to be pacified.

Who Will Love Me for Me

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. I've basically been listening to it non-stop. I discovered it about a week ago through the new iTunes radio tab. I use to listen to Air 1 through iTunes, but iTunes updated their program and now changes the way that their "radio" tab works.

Basically, you pick the genre you want to listen to and iTunes picks random songs on iTunes that matches that criteria and plays it. It's actually really helpful and cool. I love Air 1 and listen to it all the time, but sometimes chatter/talking distracts me when I'm thinking or concentrating and it makes it difficult for me to think/concentrate. And since I'm always listening to music when I do ANYTHING, sometimes I get distracted doing daily tasks (yes; a shameless excuse from a procrastinator).

When I first heard this song on iTunes, it struck a cord to my heart. And I instantly had to look it up.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means"

I've been going through a lot of emotional and physical change this week. It's been emotionally and mentally difficult and heavy for me to deal with. And this song has been my anthem, through it all. 

"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

Sometimes, we feel unlovable. Sometimes, we feel like we will never be enough. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what we do, we will never satisfy anyone. Sometimes, we feel like we're nothing.

In those times, in those dark moments, when we feel like there's nothing more to give. Sometimes God comes through, sometimes God comes in with his Majesty and shakes us to our core.

And sometimes, God doesn't come roaring in and we need to remember and cling to the promise that He loves us.

Because, sometimes, all we have is hope that He loves.

Song: "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

Love You Forever

I remember one day, when I was in elementary school my mom came home and read me this book. My mom worked at another elementary school, where they were having a book fair and she discovered this book.

I don’t remember how many times my mom read this book to me. It’s countless. That book she brought home is now falling apart, has stains and marks all over it.

She loved that book. Every time a grand-child was born, she would buy the book, write an inscription to the child and then give it to the mom.

When I lived in Texas, I became extremely close to a friend and started calling her “mommy”. She’s a year younger than me, but she did and helped me with everything. When I moved from Texas, I went to the store bought her this book, wrote an inscription and gave it to her. When she opened the present she cried, because it was her favorite book too. I had no clue.

Shortly after my mom died, I gave my aunt the original book for safe keeping. I was moving around so much, I didn’t want it to get lost or even more destroyed. This is when I discovered that the book was my aunt’s favorite too. My aunt never knew how much my mom loved this book.

This year on the anniversary of my mom’s death, a group of my family gathered at my aunt’s house and we had a ‘story time’ reading of this book. It was such a powerful, meaningful and fulfilling moment.

I always say that my mom is still watching out and over me. I’ve been struggling a lot with changes happening in my life lately. Today I was cleaning out my grand-father’s closet when I stumbled across these beauties.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

My mom might not be living anymore, but I know she still loves and cares for me.

And that caries me on.

Send Pizza!

Earlier this week a photo posted on Reddit went viral and caught my eye on Yahoo! Shine.

The picture is of a home-made sign made out of tape on a hospital window that reads: "Send Pizza Rm 4112."

The sign was made by a two year old little girl that has Neuroblastoma cancer. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks and her mother & grandmother thought this would be a good and fun project to keep her distracted for a while. They never thought that pizza would actually come. But a few days later, someone posts the picture online and pizza started to rain from the sky. The parents of this adorable two year old and the hospital had to ask people to stop sending pizza because it was becoming too much.

Reading this article, made me smile and tear up a bit. My mother died from cancer, so cancer stories are really close to my heart. I can remember how important it was to my mom, my dad and me when people went out of their way to brighten our day or to do something nice for us when my mom was sick. The littlest things meant the world to us. So I can only imagine how much receiving pizza from strangers meant to this little girl.

She received so much pizza that they were able to have a pizza party with the other children on the floor and the staff. How cool is that?!

This type of out-pour of love, support and communion reminds me that God created us humans to build each other up - not tear each other down.

"Love WILL save the day."

To find out more information 
about Hazel (the little girl) and ways
 to help her and her family you can check out 
the family's blog, Facebook page and donation page.

I'm Never Alone

The last few days I’ve been working through this daily devotional online. The website is called Setting Captives Free and the course I’m taking is called By His Wounds. The website has many daily devotional courses that help you work through different habits/addictions. The courses are full of scriptures, testimonies and a pastor’s commentary that leads you through the 60 day course. I just finished the third day of the course.

I’ve attempted to complete this course two other times, this is my third attempt. The farthest I’ve made is 28 days. I’m hoping to complete it this time. I know I need to get back into a spiritual structure of growth again.

There was a verse that was shared in today’s study that really touched me.

“The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on him, on him.” - Isaiah 53:5; The Message

I know why Jesus was beaten and placed on the cross. I know why He had to die for us. I know that because of His death, I can now talk to God myself. And that I can now go to Heaven. I also know that we can now be healed by the Holy Spirit because Jesus sent the Spirit to us after He resurrected and went back to Heaven.

My sin placed Jesus on the cross. My self-hate, my anger, my depression, every wrong thing I have ever done and ever will do – put Jesus on that cross… I knew this, I know this.

“He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.”

Jesus’ bruises make us healed. His pain makes us whole. I found healing and I am whole, because of Jesus.

With every strike on Jesus’ back I became free. Every nail punctured through Jesus’ skin, I became whole. Because Jesus died, I’ll never be alone.

I never got it before. It never became real to me. I never truly understand how glorious this was - till today.

Love Will Save the Day

I ran across this little canvas today at the store. I ran in quick to buy some frames and as soon as my eyes fell on it, I knew I had to have it. It spoke to my soul. It ignited my spirit.

This saying is so true, isn’t it? Love will save the day. Love has saved the day.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” -John 3:16; New International Version

God’s love has saved us from death.

God’s love gets us through to another day.

God’s love saves us from ourselves.

God’s love gives me hope.

In His Arms

That's where we belong. In His arms. Sometimes I forget that. When bad things happen and stress overpowers me I feel like I need to handle everything myself. That I need to hold onto all my emotional baggage and deal with it when I get the chance.

But that's not the case. I can go to my God, tell him my trouble and sit in His arms. He can take my pain away. I know that I can't, but He can. And He does. And He will.

I just have to remember to climb into those arms of His. And rest.

I'm the One

I don’t know how many times I’ve stated on this blog that ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart is my favorite song. This song brings me so much peace and love. I know God uses this song to bring me closer to Him.

About a month ago, I created a ringtone for my phone of this song. I find it a little awkward, sometimes, when I’m out in public and my phone rings. You hear this loud ringtone playing music and a males’ voice singing:
“I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams”
The last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling really lonely. I’ve been craving some kind of affectionate attention. It’s been really hard on me, and I have to remind myself that I don’t want a fleeting touch. A touch that lasts a few short waving moments and then leaves just as quickly as it came.

This morning I was folding my laundry, my mind wondering to things it shouldn’t. I was listening to my custom iTunes playlist, my phone sitting next to me, and without realizing it ‘Wishes and Dreams’ started to play. The next thing I know the chorus of the song starts to play and my phone also starts to ring. I picked up the phone, talked to the person, hung up and got back to my folding. And then I realize what song was play and I corrected my thinking.

After a few more morning chores I’m now in my room, checking my email and still listening to my playlist. Again, for a few more seconds I’m thinking of things I know I shouldn’t do. And again, ‘Wishes and Dreams’ plays across my speakers and as soon as the chorus starts my phone rings - in sync with the song.

And then it hits me, God was trying to tell me something. I missed it the first time, but He didn’t give up. God tried again to gain my attention and my emotions of love and satisfaction.

As soon as I made this realization, I was shocked, surprised and a little ashamed. Shocked that God tried twice to get my attention, surprised that God would even try to tell me how much He loves me and ashamed that I didn’t go to Him first.

I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask God to remind me of how He loves me. I didn’t ask God to help me correct my thoughts. I just allowed myself to dwell on the wanting of my skin.

However, God didn’t just sit back in the atmosphere. He didn’t wait patiently as I toyed with the ideas of how I could please myself. God roared in with the promises He made me. He stated loudly what He could do and how He could make me feel.

And when I didn’t get it the first time, He did it again. And I believe, if I didn’t get it the second time He would have done it a third and a fourth. Because that’s how much He loves me! That’s how much God loves us.

God tells us on a daily basis how much we mean to Him. I’m saddened to think how many times we miss it. How many times does God have to tell us again and again and again?

But He won’t give up. He’ll never give up.

“Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you”

This is Where I Draw the Line

The last few days I’ve been waking up singing worship lyrics in my head. This happens to me from time to time, I’ve even woken myself singing out loud in my sleep.

It amazes me how majestic our God is. It blows my mind how we might not recognize just how phenomenal our God is in the natural, but our spirits can sense Him and what He’s doing in the spiritual and are sometimes so overjoyed that we do things we don’t realize.

It fills me with an overwhelming amount of joy to know that my spirit loves God so much, that it will worship the Lord at any and every moment – even in my sleep.

”Set me on fire
Burn me up
Burn me up
Burn me all the way
Until there's nothing left but You
Set me on fire

This is where the old me dies
This is where I draw the line”
-‘Draw the Line’ by Disciple

I’ll be the One.

One of my ALL time favorite songs is ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart. No matter what mood I’m in (good, bad, life changing, etc.) this song instantly snaps me out of my reality and into a state of worship.

I don’t remember when I first heard this song and I don’t remember when this song became a favorite of mine. What I do remember is the desire and the deep aching of wanting a relationship described in the song.
’I’m watching you from a scenic view
Taking in your every move
Who you tried so hard to be
Full of Wishes and dreams
That did not come true for you
I can read you like a book
Sad stories everywhere I look
Faded pictures remind you when
What could have been
Did not come true for you [2x]

[chorus]
I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams

Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you [2x]’
I tried to find a physical relationship, described in the song, but it failed – horribly. I was hurt, scarred, devastated and for a little bit, lost. I couldn’t listen to this song for a very long time; it hurt too much to listen to it. It reminded me of the relationship I tried to build on these lyrics.

It wasn’t until I invited God into this heartache that He started to heal me from this relationship. And that’s when I realized that this relationship that I was idolizing – I could have. It was in my reach.

It’s a relationship with God.

Here I was hoping, longing, wishing for someone to come and sweep me off my feet and take away every little pain I had EVER felt in my life. And all along it was right in front of me – I had already started it, I just had to nurture it. I had to allow God into my hurt, into my pain, into my emotions, into my memories, and into my heart. I had to allow Him to rewrite my story and retake my pictures.

I had to allow God to make me whole, so that we could be whole together – forever.

Compassion

When I lived in Colorado every time I exited a certain ramp off the highway there was always a man at the end of the off-ramp asking for money. I always saw the same two men, one who had a military duffel bag and one with a dog.

When I saw these men, my heart went out to them. I always wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to give them money, I was afraid they wouldn’t spend it on food or water. So instead, I prayed for them. Every time I saw one of them I prayed that the Lord would watch over, protect and provide for them. I even prayed for the dog.

Lately I’ve been asked by a few people if I could “spare some change.” I say no, mostly because I don’t carry cash, but also because that fear is still in me. I want to help people. I want to stop starvation and end homelessness, but I know at this moment that’s most likely improbable.


I’ve been crafting a lot lately and since I’m not good at measuring how much product I need, I find myself constantly going to the store to buy more. I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, into a space, grabbed my bag, closed my car door and started walking towards the entrance. A woman came up to me, told me her story and asked if I could spare any money. I told her no, sorry and entered the building.

Her story repeated over and over in my head while I shopped. She needed money to buy food for her dogs. I went to the dog food aisle, grabbed two packets of inexpensive dog food and prayed. “Lord, if she truly needs this food please allow me to see her when I leave.”

And that was it. My mind was at rest.

I’ve attempted this a few times before, getting people what they’re asking for instead of giving them money. The first few times didn’t work out like I had thought, they rejected the food. But I knew that God would honor my prayer.

I paid for my things and walked out the door. I was looking down, at my bag, and when I lifted my head – there she was, crossing the aisle I had parked my car. I called out to her and told her I wasn’t able to give her money, but I had bought her food. She smiled, took the food and seemed truly happy. She thanked me and walked away.

“God bless you.” She called out to me.

God bless you too.

Beautiful with my Scars

"Fear: That my depression will defeat & define me.

Dream: To be able to say I'm beautiful with my scars."
Source: To Write Love On Her Arms
I’m not ashamed of my scars. And I hope that I never will be. My scars are who I am. They’ve helped make and mold me into whom I am today.

I don’t glorify them however, I’m not proud that I placed them on my skin. I don’t try to justify or defend them. I know that placing a blade to my skin wasn’t smart, and that it didn’t take away the pain. I know now that self-harm and suicide doesn’t solve or help. It’s a rotting Band-Aid that only infects.

I struggle on a constant basis with my depression and sadness. I’ll admit this past week I thought about cutting and suicide. I even played with the idea for a second. One second. And then the second second, I realized what I was doing and I immediately repented and forced myself to think different thoughts.

I’m afraid that I will allow myself to believe in the lie that ‘cutting is okay.’ I’m afraid that I will become deeply depressed and that I will truly consider suicide as the ‘only option.’ I’m afraid that all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for ‘nothing.’ I’m afraid that I will live my life uneventfully and that I will not lead anyone to Christ. I’m afraid of wasting my life…

But then I look at my scars and I remember that I survived. I remember that I’m a Forsaken Fighter. And I remember that God healed my broken Heart for a reason. And that gives me hope.

Hope, that maybe, breathing is enough.
For now.

---

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. - Taken off the TWLOHA Facebook page.

Peas in a Pod

My mom was born as a twin, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that before on this blog. I was named after my mom’s twin. The love and affection that my mom had for her sister ran deep, and vice versa.

Have you ever heard stories from twins that say they were connected together either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually? If one of the twins ran into something the other twin would get the bruise or they both would. How one twin can do/say something as soon as the twin thinks it. Or one of the twins would feel an emotion and the other starts feeling the exact same way - for no reason.

My mom and her sister were just like this. My aunt tells me stories all the time of how connected and in-sync they were. They could finish each other’s thoughts, sentences and actions. I can tell that my aunt misses this closeness; the invisible bound that connected them together and made them one.

With moving back to Cali I’ve been staying with my aunt and her husband. My aunt and I have been able to spend some much needed time together. With our bonding we’ve discovered that some of the same things that would happen to my mom and aunt - are now happening to us.

Sure, it could be that we’re around each other so much we’re just learning each other more. Or that we’re picking up each other’s habits. Sure, that’s it! I mean, there’s no way that my aunt could run into something and I would get the bruise. There’s no way my aunt would think to do something and turn around to do it and I’m one second ahead of her. And it’s impossible that my aunt would be just about to say something (completely off subject from what we’re talking about) and I say it right before she does.

I mean, there’s no WAY that bond between twins could be pass on. Please! Psh… Ha ha.

Generational Music

One of the many reasons why I love music so much is because music can branch and connect many different generations and personality types together. Music, for the most part, has no limitations. With all the many ways different artists and musicians can take one song and change it, is mind-bending to me. You can hear one song by a rock band and hear that exact same song by a county band or R&B artist and it’s completely different. I love that part of music and the music industry. Songs are so powerful with their lyrics and meaning and being able to change their melody so they can be easier accepted by an individual or group of people is - phenomenal! Being able to change the melody of a song so people of all ages, races and economical standings can relate to the true meaning of the song, can be life changing.

Whenever I’m in my car, I always have music playing. ALWAYS. Since I’ve moved back to Cali, I’ve found myself driving my aunts around a lot. One aunt hates to drive and the other doesn’t have a vehicle. And because all of our musical tastes are different, I’ve been having a hard time finding something for all of us to listen to.

Driving home tonight, I placed on one of my favorite bands (who I consider to be a ‘softer rock’) and placed the volume low. My aunts are sitting in silence resting from our long day as I’m driving and singing along to all the songs.

And then, Stellar Kart’s version of ‘You Never Let Go’ plays lightly across my stereo – as three strong and vibrant voices accompany it.

’ Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
You keep on lovin and you
Never let go’

This amazing, magical and spiritual moment stuck with me and will stick with me – forever. All three of us singing in unison praising our Lord. My Almighty God, He never ceases to amaze me!

To some, this is ‘just a song.’ Words with no meaning played to a musical beat that has no power. But to me, it’s more than a song. It’s a life line that connected us together and when I hear this song again it will keep us connected.

This was a life changing moment for me. A moment that made me realize even though my aunts and I don’t have the same musical taste we do have one thing in common – our God. Because of ‘a song’, played in different musical ways it installed in us that our God will never let us go, He will never abandon us. That connection, that bond will keep us united and strong together – forever.

Wishes and Dreams

I constantly tell people that music is my life. And I’m sure they think I’m just a huge music buff. But in reality, if I hadn’t found the songs that inspire me; I would be dead.

I know here, on my blog, I talk a bit about my “past.” I mean I’m so young, how much of a ‘past’ can I have? Right?

When I first tried to “start my life” (ie: figure out who I was), I struggled - a lot. In most people’s lives, you start ‘finding your own’ around the ages of 13-16. You make your own friends, you make habits that last you a life time, you discover what you like or don’t like, you set goals, you find your interests and you start the journey of finding yourself.

I tried doing all these things, but I constantly found myself lost in a cloud of ‘darkness.’

I was depressed, I was severely depressed. I didn’t know I was depressed though, I thought the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I felt were ‘normal.’ I had felt and thought these things for so long that I didn’t know there could be anything different.

So, with depression a major part of my adolescence I started to form dangerous habits and thought patterns. I started to cut around 15; I remember the days leading up to my first time. I was confused, anxious, sad, upset and wounded. I was manic. All I could focus on was harming myself and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I had somehow convinced myself that harming myself would solve my problems. And to me, they ‘did.’

But as things in my life got harder and tougher, the self-harm escalated. I found myself wishing death, I attempted getting myself there. But the one thing, the one thing that kept me semi stable and sane – was my music.

I knew, without a doubt, that when I popped in my Stellar Kart CD and listened to track number 9, I would find comfort in the words. Track number 8 of Staple, I would find courage. Track number 12 of Pillar, encouragement. And track number 5 of Thousand Foot Krutch, partnership.

I found hope, courage, strength and a desire to live in these songs. I knew these musicians wrote these songs for me, for people like me who felt like their world was ending and crumbling around them. And in this, I knew I wasn’t alone – even though I felt it heavily in my heart.

My music saved my life.

That might sound absurd to some or far-fetched to others. But music is my life; it’s what keeps me going. It reminds me of the hope I have and helps to remind me to never let it go.

’I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams
-‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart


To read more of why ‘Music is my Life,’ go here.

Todd Hertz

I went to the Family Christian book store today. My plan was to walk in for one thing and one thing only. I get easily distracted in that store and can end up leaving spending lots of money. I went to the book section of the store and to the section I wanted. Unable to find what I was looking for, I began to roam the different shelves of books. Turning a corner into the youth section I looked at a few of the shelves and then turned to leave the aisle – that’s when a brown book caught my eye.

Source Amazon
Campus Life: Ignite Your Faith was a published teen magazine by Christianity Today that was discontinued around 2009. I started to read the magazine in 2004 when the magazine was gifted to me by my pastors. I wish that I could tell them how much their gift changed my life.

The main topic of the issue that was gifted to me was: ‘sexual abuse.’ That particular issue had three articles by girls who had been sexually abused, sexually assaulted and sexually pressured. I remember staying up late one night; I had the door closed to my room, I was listening to my CD player and I was lying on my bed reading this issue.

I remember thinking how brave these girls were to share their stories, to share what had happened to them. I was amazed.

In every issue of the magazine there was a poem that was published. In the issue that was gifted to me there was a poem about picking up a pen and writing. Writing out everything you felt, everything you thought. Just write what your heart wanted. For the first time in months I was inspired to write a poem myself.

At this time in my life, I was obsessed with writing poems. I wrote poems on a daily basis. However, I had reached a point where I was unable to write. I had a block of some sorts and didn’t know how to get rid of it. So I did what the poem said and I picked up my pen and started to write anything that popped into my head.

I ended up writing a poem about walking away from the Lord and not knowing or feeling His love. I wrote that I felt lost. And that I wanted the Lord to find me, but that I didn’t know how to get back to Him. After I had finished the poem I wrote the magazine an email, telling them how the poem had affected me and thanked them for placing the poem in the issue and then I attached a copy of the poem I had written.

At that moment, that exact moment of me hitting the send button changed my life forever. An editor of the magazine read my email and replied back to me. They said they were happy the poem had helped me and said they were so impressed with my poem that they wanted to publish a portion of my poem in the magazine and have it fully published on their website.

I replied back so ecstatic that I was going to get published for the first time. I communicated back and forth a little bit to the editor, working out all the details about my poem being published and then the emails stopped.

After a few days, with the magazine staring into my soul and pressuring me to write the editor back about another topic, I opened my email account and for the first time in my life – I opened up to another person about my molestation.

At that moment the editor, Todd Hertz, became my ‘best friend,’ pen pal and mentor. We communicated weekly for years. Todd was the first person I opened up to – about everything. I had kept so much bottled up in me. I was afraid, humiliated, confused and guilty of so many things, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about my issues. But Todd, Todd I could tell anything to. I didn’t have to see his face when he heard everything I was struggling with. I didn’t have to hear the disappointment in his voice. I didn’t have to see the sadness in his eyes when I did something ‘wrong.’ Todd was a faceless person I could openly and freely confess to.

Todd helped me to come to terms about my molestation. He helped me through the grieving process of my mother passing. He was the first person I told when I started to harm myself. He encouraged me to stop cutting and drinking. He made me promise if I ever had a suicidal thought and started to plan it out that I would tell him first. When my cutting got bad, he made me promise that I would write him before I placed a blade to my skin. And of course when I told him my suicidal plan or that I wanted to harm myself he talked me out of it. I started to dread seeing “email from Todd Hertz” in my inbox because I knew it was him lecturing me or telling me not to do something I wanted to do.

And when I accidentally overdosed on pills, he was the one that convinced me to call the poison control. He was the one that convinced me to go to the hospital. He was the one who pushed me to get physical and personal help. If it wasn’t for Todd that day, I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital. I wouldn’t have gotten placed into the psych hospital and I wouldn’t have started my road to recovery.

God used Campus Life: Ignite Your Faith and Todd Hertz to save my life. Without either of them I know I wouldn’t be where I am today. Or at least I wouldn’t be as ‘well’ off.

Todd will always be a hero to me. He spoke to a lost and confused girl and refused to let her go. He saw the potential in me that I couldn’t see.

Todd saved me. And for that, I will always love him.