Sometimes It Lasts At Love...

If you’d ever visit our home, you’d instantly think we’re either lovers’ or hoarders’ of cars. We have four “classic” cars that line the side of our house. Three out of the four cars, anyone can see and admire their beauty. They’re not restored, but they’re gorgeous in their old age.

However, the fourth is not a rare model, it’s not made by a special company and it doesn’t have a fancy body. It’s small, blocky, has no leg room and it’s not that old (for a car). It’s just a car from the 80’s that’s covered in dirt and has degraded flat tires.

The other day we took the ’53 Chevy pickup truck for a drive (the ‘Twilight’ truck). Grumpy is slowly restoring this truck and we take it out from time to time to keep it in working order.

After our drive, I hopped out of the passenger seat and ran to the drivers’ side to place the cinder block behind the back wheel – just to make sure it’s secure. And that’s when I saw a little yellow card stuck between the Renaults’ driver’s door and window.

“WE BUY JUNK CARS”

The card was a business card from a local company promoting their removal services for old vehicles and machinery.

“Marty is NOT JUNK!” I shouted loudly as I showed the card to Grumpy. He looked at the card, chuckled and shook his head. Who knows how long that card had been there; and that I would find it a week from my mom’s birthday. But seeing that card on her old car – upset me.

Marty was my mom’s first ‘real’ purchase, at least that’s how she always told me the story. After her first marriage ended horribly, my mom was on her own and Marty was the first thing she bought by herself. She was always so proud of him.

My mom drove that car everyday till the day she died, for over 20 years. My dream is to one day restore Marty, better than he was, and drive him for another 20.

The next day Grumpy and I were driving home from a day of fun, when the song “Someone Like You” by Adele came across the speakers. Since the release of this song, my dad has always associated it with my mom.

“Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said,
‘Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead’”

There we were in front of the house, sitting in my car, listening to the song, singing along and staring at Marty.

“They thought Marty was junk.” Grumpy chuckled – and I laughed.

No. No, Marty isn’t junk.

The 27th Year

It’s so weird to think I’m turning 27 today. Not because I’m getting ‘older’, but because I never thought I’d live past my 21st birthday. I’ve lived six years more than I EVER thought I would.

There are so many moments where I tried to snuff out my light.

I should be dead.

I should have never woken up.

There was a time in my life, where I begged God to let me die. I couldn’t understand why He couldn’t just let me go.

The harder I tried, the tighter He gripped me.

I was so angry. I couldn’t see, I didn’t understand.

I’ve always felt alone and invisible. I’ve never thought that I’ve mattered.

But this last year, I’m starting to see a glimpse. A glimmer of what my purpose might possibly be.

I started making gaming videos and placed them on YouTube for others to see. I was hoping to make a friend or two.

Honestly, I was reaching; I was reaching for anything to keep myself stable. Something to distract myself, and to trick myself into thinking that I WASN’T wasting my life.

From a young age, I knew I was made for something bigger then myself. I just didn’t know what that something was. And over the years, I’ve really started to doubt myself. How can a girl like me, change the world?

I’ve defiantly made more than a friend or two, these last 8 months on YouTube. I’ve created this family of support, love and motivation. I could have NEVER imagined, posting short videos of me rambling incoherently could EVER make an impact. And I NEVER thought that making these videos would bring me healing.

I call my family, Fireflies. Small, bright lights of hope in the darkness. Who would have thought, that I would find my light posting gaming videos online? Who would have thought that ANYONE would have noticed my dimly lit light?

I had been posting videos online for a few months, when I almost threw in the towel. My Fireflies were calling out to me; they said I brightened their day, that they looked up to me and that I was changing their lives – it was too much for me to handle.

I had started to listen to the darkness.

You’re not worthy.

You’re worthless.

You’re damaged.

How can a depressed self-harming suicidal girl help anyone?

The darkness started closing in on me. Closer and closer. Tighter and tighter. The darkness was right.

I find myself looking back on my journal entries often when I’m searching.

So there I sat, in the middle of the night reading through my blog. And it all slowly started to click into place.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve overcome a lot in my life. I’ve fought and I’ve clawed myself out of the hole of death.

My destiny is not to die! My destiny is to LIVE! I am to live and to shine bright.

I AM A FIREFLY! Sure, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. And I DO still struggle with depression. But that doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or that my light is covered.

I can share my thoughts. I can share my experiences. I can tell my stories and pour out my heart. I CAN help others! 

Even if the only reason I was placed on this Earth was to post short videos of me rambling incoherently to brighten others days.

THEN THANK GOD! Thank God I didn’t die. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered.

I’m a fighter!

I’m a firefly!

I’M ALIVE!

Happy Birthday Mami

Yesterday was my mami's birthday. Every year since her passing, I try to do something in remembrance on the day of her birth and on the day she passed. I want to do something happy and positive, and not focus on the negative.

So, meet Ruthie Butler! I made a Create-a-Sim (CAS) video on my YouTube gaming channel in memory of my mom.
 
Ruthie is a determined Sim who doesn't take smack from anyone. She's kind, friendly and always willing to help a Sim out. But, look out! She has a temper. Ruthie aspires to own and run the best restaurant that Sim creation has ever experienced. 

(Btw, I've started making 
gaming videos on YouTube. 
Check out my channel: BecauseShesStar)

Birthday Celebration!

Happy Birthday aunt Stella!
Today is my mom and aunt’s birthday. Usually on this day, for the past three (3) years, I celebrate alone. Last year I bought a mini cake, the year before that I went to dinner with a friend and the year before that I bought flowers. I have chosen that I will celebrate my mom on this day. I will rejoice for the life that she lived, I will celebrate the impact that she made on this world and I will remember the happy moments that we shared. I refuse to allow the enemy to make this day sad for me. My mother may be in heaven, but I can still celebrate her existence.

This year I was able to celebrate with my aunt. This brought me so much joy. I was so happy and excited that I was able to celebrate the day of my aunt’s birth with her.

We started the day early and headed to Ontario, CA. I had an interview and then we spent the rest of the day running around the city. We went to stores, out to lunch and then we bought cupcakes. Overall, it was an amazing day!

Birthdays mean so much to me. I thank God so much that I was able to celebrate another year of life with my aunt.

The 24th Year

I’m 24 years old, today.

Twenty-Four Years Old.
The week leading to this day, was filled with lots of different emotions. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m so happy that I can celebrate my birth. I’m still in awe that the Lord saw fit to save me from myself. But with all the joy and happiness that came with this day, fear also came with it.

Am I wasting my life?
What do I have to show for 24 years?
What am I doing with this gift that the Lord gave me?

This past year of life, I did a lot struggling. Struggling with myself. Struggling with God. This year has been hard, tough, lonely, and difficult. But I’ve learned a lot about myself. And about God.

I realize this was the perfect time for God to show me He had my back. For the first time in years, my life is stable. So with nothing to worry about (ie: job, home, vehicle, etc.) the Lord was able to work with me on an issue that was very close to my heart.

Even though, I don't feel like I've had a whole lot of growth this year. I know I've learned that I can take care of myself (with the Lord's watchful eye) and that I don't need others to watch over me. I've also learned that I can provide for myself, I don't need people to give me money, food, or a roof over my head. I am able and strong enough to do it myself.

I learned that I can provide myself a living. Something I never thought I could do. I guess deep down, I never believed I would be able to provide for myself.

I also learned that I don't need to be in the middle of a 'spiritual' place to feel the Lord or to have the Lord see me. I learned that anywhere I went the Lord would also be there. He's never going to be far away.

I learned that this is what my 23rd year was for. For me to learn my dependence on the Lord and for the Lord to show me that I'm strong and that He'll never leave.

I can’t believe I’ve made it to see the day of my 24th birthday. The Lord has been with me up to this day, up to this year. And He will be with me for my many years to come.

I’m alive for a reason; I just need to use the years to come to figure out that reason. And if I’m doing that, than I’m not wasting my gift. Because at least I’m trying to do something with it than purposely wasting it like I was.

I’m 24 years old today. Thank you God.

~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Birthday Memories

[Daddy Owl]
[Reference picture]
I wanted an owl cake this year for my birthday. It was a fun and interesting learning adventure.


[Owlets]
I found these owl cupcakes and just had to make them to go with daddy owl.


My Build-A-Bear for my birthday. I named her Melissa.

Growing Pains

My birthday is a week away.

In seven short days I will be 24 years old.

And I’m slightly freaking out.

Birthdays are a big deal to me. They were a big deal to my mom and are to my aunt. Not being able to celebrate this birthday with family or close friends is making me uncomfortable.

Birthdays have come to mean a lot to me the last few years. And the fact that I have been living so many has me panicked that I’m not putting the years I have been living to good use.

I always thought I’d be dead before my 21st birthday. I never thought I’d live past 20. And now here I am at almost 24 and I still have no clue what I’m doing. Or why I’m alive.

I’m grateful, that the Lord spared my life. That He didn’t open the gates of heaven when I came knocking. I’m just afraid that I’m wasting the extra time He’s given me.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Forsaken Fighter

During my undergrad year at Teen Mania, I found myself sitting in a field of grass, lying on a blanket, reading my Bible, praying and journaling. There I was, in the middle of God's creation and I doubted myself.

I doubted my life, my decisions. I was feeling remorse, shame and guilt. I was at a very low point. And then, God spoke to my heart. And He said, "Don't worry Fighter. Everything will be okay." And at that point, the Lord began to speak to me about how He created me to fight. My spirit is strong and fierce, I was created to fight, to war, and to win. It’s who I am.

At that point I began to write the word "Fighter" on my wrist. It was a daily reminder that that was who I was. That was what I was created to be and to do.

Fight.

Later in the year, I found myself struggling again. This time I felt as if the Lord had left me. That He just went away and I couldn't find Him. I felt lost, abandon and forsaken. After a long season of continual turmoil the Lord revealed to me, that I had turned away from Him. I had abandoned Him. I had Forsaken Him.

After this realization I learned as much as I could about abandonment and being Forsaken. I then began to write the word "Forsaken" on my wrist. To remind myself that I never want to forsake the Lord again and to pray for those you feel forsaken or have been.

Near the end of my time at Teen Mania, I was having a quiet time where I was journaling asking the Lord what I should do. I looked at my wrist and saw Forsaken. My heart ached. My heart was yearning to help those who were hurting and lost.

Then the Lord said "Fighter." I was confused at first and the Lord said it again, "Fighter, put it together." So, I pulled out my Sharpie, extended the 'F' and wrote 'ighter.'

Forsaken Fighter. It was as if God and I said it at the same time. I stared at my wrist and what I had just written. I was in shock. I sat in my chair stunned.

Then the Lord very slowly started to reveal to me that He was calling me to Fight for the Forsaken. I am called to stand up for those who have been 'demeaned' useless, worthless, and unimportant. I am to help in fighting for those that the world has forsaken. I was created to fight for these people who have been hurt, wounded and forsaken by the world. I will love these people. I will comfort them. And I will help them.

But, I'm not only a fighter for the forsaken; I was also a fighter who was forsaken. I was demeaned a lost cause. I was told that I was un-helpable. I was beaten, abused, and almost destroyed. But because of the Fighter spirit in me - I lived.

Once I absorbed as much of this as I could, in one sitting, I stared at my wrist. Could I really do and be what God just revealed to me? Could I really fight and help those that have been thrown away and hurt? Could I, actually be - a Forsaken Fighter?

After this little quiet time, I began to write Forsaken Fighter on my wrist. To remind myself of whom I am. And what I hope to become.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

For my 23rd birthday, I tattooed Forsaken Fighter onto my wrist. It's a permanent reminder of who I am and what I want to become.

It's also a proclamation to God and against the enemy.

The 23rd Year

Here we are again. Another year has passed, and I’m still in awe of how great, mighty and merciful our God is.

I am 23 years old. I have lived on this earth for 23 years.

That thought - just blows my mind. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that I am “alive.” I am alive, breathing, walking, talking, and thinking. I am living!

I’m not dead. I’m not buried under the ground. I’m not another statistic. But I am living and growing and moving forward. I am ALIVE.

Every time the eighth of December passes on the calendar, I am brought to a standstill. Life moves so quickly sometimes. Life just races on by and sometimes we forget to stop and thank God. But every time December eighth comes around I fall to my knees in praise to the Lord.

I can’t explain how much my birthday means to me. I can’t form words of how thankful I am that I was born and that I’m still living. In my life, I’ve come to realize that life is a vapor. You can blink and it’s gone. Life is so precious. And at one point, it was so worthless to me. I would have and I almost did give everything to end it all. I almost passed up my life, my future and my destiny.

I never understood why I didn’t die, why all my attempts failed. And even now, I don’t know how I survived. But now, I am thankful that I did. God saved me, and even though I still don’t know why, at least now I’m moving in His plan instead of against it.

I am 23 years old.
I AM 23 YEARS OLD!

Thank you God.


Thank you.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

The 22nd Year

I was meaning to write this closer to my birthday, but I guess the week of my birth will have to do.

So, here I am, another year older. When I try to dwell on the thought that I lived another year – I’m speechless. I have survived to be 22 years of age; that in itself is a miracle. As I try to look back on this past year, and the years before, again I am amazed by the Grace our God has on our souls. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive.

I’m 22 years old, ha, I can’t even try to fathom that thought. But here I am, breathing and typing, so it must be true. I – I have lived to be on this earth for 22 years, that thought blows my mind. I mean we don’t (at least I don’t) count how many months we’ve lived on earth or how many weeks we’ve kept breathing; we don’t recognize those numbers but we acknowledge and celebrate the years. Aren’t the months, weeks and days just as important?

I’ve lived 264 months.
I’ve lived 1,188 weeks.
And I’ve lived 8,008 days.
(Approximately; I’m bad with math.)

And here I am flabbergasted about 22 years, LOOK at those numbers! I’ve lived that! I survived those days of joy, anger, deceit, remorse, guilt, and depression. And I stand (Err, currently sitting) breathing, sane, content and growing. I’m alive and full of life. I’m confidant (most of the time) and motivated.

This is a very big accomplishment to me.

I know some of you are thinking: “Why are you obsessing over being 22?” Because I shouldn’t be turning 22; I shouldn’t have lived 264 months, I shouldn’t have lived 1,188 weeks, I shouldn’t have lived 8,008 days – but I did! For some odd reason, far beyond my comprehension, I am alive and passionate about living (now).

Oh, how many times my life should have ended. How many times I should have died. So many times I heard the darkness and followed it, and it almost engulfed me. How many times was I foolish? How many times did I try to end my own life; and here I am 22 years old!

I never expected to live past my 21 birthday, but here I am at 22 and I realize this is for real; I am truly supposed to be alive. It’s an exhilarating feeling when you finally realize that.

So here I am flabbergasted, in awe of our Mighty Creator and very thankful for the people He’s placed in my life. This isn’t just mine and the Lords victory over the enemy, but this is OUR victory – ours as a family.

Thank you so much to the many that helped, walked, held and screamed at me along the way. Thank you to my support team, for never leaving or quaking next to me. Thank you to my prayer partners for always taking my request and never questioning why I was asking for prayer. Thank you to my friends who distracted me when needed and told me the bitter truth when necessary. Thank you to my mentors for being the leaders I needed to look up to, thank you for listening to my whining, complaining and screaming; thank you for understanding.

Thank you, thank you for helping me grow into the person the Lord has called me to be.

I couldn’t have survived so easily if it wasn’t for your help. Thank you for never losing hope or faith in me. Thank you for your part in me reaching my 8,008 days, 1,188 weeks, 264 months and my 22 years on earth.

Thank you,
~Stella Star Cordova


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

The 21st Year

Just another second, moment, hour; of a day, week, month; of another year – that I’ve lived. As I reflect on these 21 years of my life, all I see is hurt, pain, heartache and neglect; of others and of myself. I thank God to my core that he’s spared my life; for I should not be celebrating this year, month, week, day or moment.

If I’ve learned anything in my 21 years, that is: God is love, mercy and grace. Whenever we are down, He is there to pick us up. God is our comforter, friend, supporter and life guard. He never leaves nor forsakes us. And even when times are down and there seems to be no hope; God is there the most.

I can not believe that I’ve made it to this day. There are so many moments that my life could have been taken away; and yet by the grace of God I stand! I am blessed and thankful that I’ve had the privilege to live these 21 years, and am anxious to live many more.

I might not know why I’ve made it to see the day of my 21st year – but I know it brings joy to the Lord. And the joy of the Lord is mine.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.