Dreams

Sr Grumpy passed away, a little over two months ago, and I still CONSTANTLY find myself thinking of him. I don’t know how many times I look at the clock waiting for his bus to drop him off. Every time I’m out getting dinner I always think of what I can get him that would be easy for him to eat. The other day, the thought popped into my head, when his next doctor appointment was.  

The last two days, I’ve had dreams of him. The first dream, we were having a family party and when I turned a corner there he was sitting on a bench with my uncle Arturo. Now, why I dreamed of Arturo, I have no idea; but he’s passed as well. I was unsure if what I was seeing was true, I was aware that he was dead. So I kept asking people if they ‘saw’ them too. But finally I couldn’t help myself and so I ran to him. When Sr Grumpy saw me, he smiled this huge smile at me and he hugged me. I told him how much I missed him.

The second dream, I was driving in the car and he was in the passenger seat. I didn’t recognize the streets but I knew where I was going. He never spoke to me, but at one point I told him: “We’re fine. Nothing bad is going to happen". That’s when the car went up a curb and we flipped, I was going 70 mph. I remember focusing on his face as I felt the car flip around us. The next moment, the car was right side up and we were driving into a gate; the car was destroyed. I spoke to the guard; he asked if I was okay. I told him that I was fine but that Sr Grumpy was hurt; I had looked at him before turning to the guard. Sr Grumpy had a cut over his left eye that was bleeding. The guard looked at me like I was crazy, when I turned back to Sr Grumpy, he was gone. The next moment, I was in a hospital - alone.

I haven’t told anyone about these dreams; I’m unsure what they mean. But I know I don’t want to forget them.

Hospitals

I took Sr Grumpy to the doctors yesterday. He is getting higher up in age and seems to be slowing down more quickly, so I try to take him every month.

The doctor told me his blood count was low from his last blood test (taken in May) and wanted to take a new one to see if it was the same, had gone up or fell lower. This morning, the doctors' nurse called me and told me that his blood count had dropped lower and that Sr Grumpy needed a blood transfusion.

When I heard this news, my mind instantly zoomed to a memory of my mom lying in her hospital bed getting dialysis. My breathing quickened and tears rushed to my eyes. For a split second I was overwhelmed with anxiety. However, I was able to pass it quickly and was able to soak in everything the nurse was telling me.

After I got off the phone with the nurse. I had to take Sr Grumpy to the hospital to get his blood drawn and matched for the transfusion - tomorrow.

When my mom passed, I told myself I'd never go back into that hospital. I have spent too much time there. Luckily, we didn't have to go into the "main" building. I have been back to the hospital campus a couple of times since my mothers' passing, but I've never had to go into the main building.

We had to go into the 'out-patient' center today to get his blood drawn. It is RIGHT next door to the main building. Again, when I exited the car to get Sr Grumpy out, my breathing quickened, tears rushed to my eyes and my anxiety spiked. Again, I was able to get my emotions under control quickly and forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

We entered the center, I checked him in, filled out the paper work, and that was when I was informed we would be getting the transfusion in the main building tomorrow. My stomach sank and my mouth went dry.

 'No. No I can't do that.' I thought quickly to myself. Just as fast as it entered my mind, I forced myself to dismiss it. I finished the paperwork, Sr Grumpy got his blood drawn and we drove home.

Now that the day is coming to an end and all the preparations have been made. All the feelings I kept pushing away are lingering their way back to the forefront of my consciousness. Everything is starting to sink in and my mind is now able to process all the information of the day.

Sr Grumpy isn't my mom. He doesn't have cancer. And he isn't dying. He's healthy.

My mom is in a happier, healthier place.

It's just a building.

God has healed me of all my hurt and pain.

Everything will be fine.

I have faith that everything will be fine...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

ICE-CREAM??!!

Mr. Grumpy asked me to take Sr. Grumpy to get his hair cut today. After the haircut I decided I'd go to Burger King to get us lunch. I asked Sr. Grumpy twice if he wanted ice-cream and he said no. However, as soon as the ice-cream passed through the drive-thru window and into the car guess who reached out for it?

It’s okay, I didn't really want it any way... ha ha. He ate the whole thing happily, and that's all that really matters.

My grandpa (Sr. Grumpy) has lived with us since I was about 6 years old. He has dementia, which has turned into Alzheimer as he’s gotten older. My father (Mr. Grumpy) is his primary care-giver and I’ve helped take care of him most of my life.

I don’t have any ‘normal’ memories of Sr. Grumpy. By normal, I mean I don’t have memories of him buying me presents, spoiling me with treats, taking me in car rides or teaching me life lessons. Like most people have of their grandparents. I’ve always taken care of him, instead of him taking care of me.

I have learned a lot from Sr. Grumpy. And even though I don’t have ‘normal’ memories with him, I do have unique ones. Like him stealing my ice-cream or us eating Christmas breakfast together this pass Christmas. How he use to curse my best friend out. How we say hello to each other the ‘Mexican way' for minutes at a time. And when he gets feisty he pretends to box with me.

I love Sr. Grumpy. He might be a handful, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.