Mona to the Rescue!

Yesterday, after church, me and a group of friends thought it would be fun to go to the park and have a picnic. We planned it pot-luck style and we all brought something to contribute. We got to the park, pulled out our bountiful feast and had a great time of fellowship.

After church I rushed home to change, I grabbed everything I was supposed to bring and I put Mona on her harness to take with me to the park. A friend suggested I bring the dogs so we could play with them after we were done eating, but after some thought I knew this would be more trouble than fun.

With Mona being trained with sitting in the stroller, I took her along knowing she would be manageable. I got to the park, pulled all my stuff out of the trunk and threw Mona into the stroller. She was fine once I opened the netting so she could look around at all of us, and of course after she was fed.

After our picnic we packed everything up and decided we would play a makeshift game of four-square. Now, why did I think playing a game that involved a bouncing ball and me having to semi go after it would be a good idea – I have no clue? I should also mention that I was wearing flip-flops.

The friend across from me in the square threw the ball at me but it went too far to my left. I had to semi run/jog to get the ball. When I did this, my left foot hit a slick part of the side walk and shot out in front of me.  With the momentum of my stride I fell straight down onto my butt.

One second I was up right and the next I was sitting on the floor, it all happened so fast! As soon as my bottom hit the floor I burst into laughter. It was just too funny, another ‘only Stella could do that’ moment.

I sat on the ground for a couple of seconds, getting my barring’s. I turned to my right to see one of my friends laughing so hard that they were actually hunched over. I then turned to my left to propel myself up and get back on my feet; when all of a sudden I see Mona flying through the air. No lie, she literally hung in the air for a good foot and a half. She then landed on the concrete and sprinted toward me.

I should also mention that the stroller has a built in leash that you’re supposed to connect your dog to so they can’t jump out, Mona was connected to this. So Mona is running to me at FULL speed, dragging the stroller behind her. She then slides to a stop next to my side and quickly starts to lick me and inspect my body to make sure I’m not hurt.

I find it humorous that the dog is the only one that ran to my rescue, while the three humans stood by laughing their heads off.

I Heart Revell

A couple of weeks ago, I entered this book give-away/contest by Revell and I won! I got my 11 books in the mail today. I cannot wait to start reading them!

I entered the contest for one particular book, by Melody Carlson. But, I was sooo BLOWN away by all the other books I got in the set. Another book I got, I've been wanting for a while - I got super EXCITED!

This was definitely a god-thing.

I can't wait to dig in!

ICE-CREAM??!!

Mr. Grumpy asked me to take Sr. Grumpy to get his hair cut today. After the haircut I decided I'd go to Burger King to get us lunch. I asked Sr. Grumpy twice if he wanted ice-cream and he said no. However, as soon as the ice-cream passed through the drive-thru window and into the car guess who reached out for it?

It’s okay, I didn't really want it any way... ha ha. He ate the whole thing happily, and that's all that really matters.

My grandpa (Sr. Grumpy) has lived with us since I was about 6 years old. He has dementia, which has turned into Alzheimer as he’s gotten older. My father (Mr. Grumpy) is his primary care-giver and I’ve helped take care of him most of my life.

I don’t have any ‘normal’ memories of Sr. Grumpy. By normal, I mean I don’t have memories of him buying me presents, spoiling me with treats, taking me in car rides or teaching me life lessons. Like most people have of their grandparents. I’ve always taken care of him, instead of him taking care of me.

I have learned a lot from Sr. Grumpy. And even though I don’t have ‘normal’ memories with him, I do have unique ones. Like him stealing my ice-cream or us eating Christmas breakfast together this pass Christmas. How he use to curse my best friend out. How we say hello to each other the ‘Mexican way' for minutes at a time. And when he gets feisty he pretends to box with me.

I love Sr. Grumpy. He might be a handful, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Top 25 on iTunes

Since I'm always obsessing over music in my posts, I thought it would be fun to share what's the most listened to songs on my iTunes.

I was SUPER surprised with what songs were on this list. Some of these songs I don't even like that much, ha ha. I really thought there would be a ton of different songs on this list than what's here.

However, I can look at the songs on this list and I know exactly what I was thinking and feeling that made these songs my top 25 most listened to songs. And some of these songs I haven't listened to in forever, so it was nice to listen to them a few more times.

I think it's rather pathetic that my favorite song of ALL time is at #9 and it's so far behind #1. And, to be honest, I'm rather ashamed of what #1 is, ha ha.

But, I am happy to see that there are more happy, feel good, silly and party songs then there are sad songs.

Beauty from Ashes

Source.
I truly believe the reason why I love to write, why writing is easier for me then speaking, why I have a ‘gift’ in writing is because I never felt like I could speak to my parents. I never felt like I could tell them exactly how I was feeling or what I thought. I still didn’t think my parents cared about what I said or took it to heart. I was afraid to speak to my parents. I was afraid to share, with anyone. I felt like I had lost my voice.

I bottled up all my deepest, truest and hardest emotions & thoughts deep within my soul – until they ate me alive. When I first started my process of healing, it was so HARD for me to share/expressive how I felt. It was easier for me to type out, write out or show my mentors/counselors my journal entries. I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud everything I had been keeping under lock and key.

I’ve slowly learn to use my voice. To speak how I feel and to share what I think. It’s been a slow and hard process that I’m still working on.

I’ve been keeping journals, blogs, poems and stories for as long as I can remember. They were/are my precious treasure. They are me – raw, true and vulnerable.

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t change anything. I’ve learned how important a voice is and how precious words are.

This is why I have my gift. How I can write the way I do.

This is why I love music and why I like to draw. It’s the reason why I love tattoos.

This is what God first used to show me that He can make beauty from ashes.

Amazing parenting tips to show that you do care and listen to your children, click here.

There’s a thing called ‘DUSTING’

I try to trick myself on a daily basis that I’ve come to terms with my mother’s passing. Some days I can even convince myself that it was the best thing for her (she was in so much pain). But sometimes, I can’t sell myself the lie.

Today I’ve spent a good part of the day packing up my mom’s left over belongings. After seven years they’re still key objects that haven’t been packed yet. I picked up an angel figuring that I remember use to sit in different locations in my parents room. Mom moved it around all the time, I think she just loved to look at it, as do I.

I picked it up off the shelf and I said a little prayer out loud, “Lord, please don’t let any of these things break.” I placed the angel on my bed to grab newspaper to wrap it in – and then, I stood in shock and terror as it rolled off the bed and bounced on the carpet towards the tile hallway. I knew if it bounced on the tile that it would break. “Don’t break!” I cried out as it stopped a few inches away from the tile. I rushed to the angel’s side, held it in my hands and to my chest .Then, I had a panic attack.

As I stood there, holding the angel tight to my heart, I tried to remember how to breathe and cried heavily. As I became frantic I prayed a pleading prayer, “Please God, don’t let anything break! Please don’t let anything break. Please God! Don’t let anything break!... It’s all I have left… It’s all you’ve left me…”

I sat on the bed, still holding the angel close to my heart as a memory came back to me.

I was about 13 or 14; mom and I were Spring-cleaning my room. Mom was up on a ladder dusting off the shelves above my window, she had been picking on me all afternoon about how dusty my room was. “There’s a thing called dusting, you know,” she repeated over and over as we both laughed and giggled.

I sat on the bed smiling slightly as I heard her playful tone, “There’s a thing called dusting! Gosh Stella!”

The Lord has left me more than just her belongings. He left me happy memories of our time together and a sense of knowing that He cares for me and mourns with me.

Puppy Love

I love my dogs they bring me so much joy and entertainment. I have two Chihuahua’s, Mona and Parker. I got Parker when he was a puppy, I named him after a character in a book that I read and fell in love with. He and I are inseparable. We adopted Mona into the family from a family member because they weren’t taking good care of her. Mona is Parker’s mom.

The other day I went into the back yard to feed the dogs left overs. I called Mona over, gave her a bone and she ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Parker, feed him some scraps, gave him a bone and he ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Mona back, feed her scraps, gave her another bone and she ran back to her spot. I called Parker back one more time to feed him the rest of the scraps, gave him one last bone and then he ran off – to another spot, leaving his first bone. Mona looks up, notices the deserted bone, runs, picks it up and takes it back to her pile. Mona is then left with three bones and Parker one. Mona, she’s one smart and sneaky dog.

Today I was standing in my dad’s room speaking with his girlfriend when I noticed through the window that Parker is sitting in the doorway of his dog house. I look at him and he starts to bark at me. “Really? You’re going to bark at me?” He walks out of the dog house to get closer to the window and starts to bark continually. “Stop barking at me!” He barks again. “Don’t make me go out there.” I glare at him. He glares back at me and barks - once more. I immediately turn, walk down the hall and out the back door into the yard. Parker runs towards the door, I bark at him and pretend to attack him and he runs back into the dog house barking all the way. Parker, he’s all bark and no bite.

My dogs make me laugh, very much. The things they do are just so silly.

My Almighty God

I knew when I got my chest-plate tattoo, that some of myfamily members would have issues with it. I knew that people wouldn’tunderstand why I got a tattoo so visible. And I knew that some people wouldjudge me harshly. But I hoped and prayed that my tattoo would be a positive influence.

My dad hates my tattoo, he won’t look at it. I know he’sdisappointed. He takes every/makes circumstances to show his disapproval. Myaunt dramatizes how hard it is to hide my tattoo when I go for interviews. Afriend’s parent made a bold comment about my tattoo to say that I had ‘lost myway.’

People aren’t bashful about their disapproval, they makeit clearly known. But no one has taken the time to ask me why. Why I got thetattoo or what it means. They just see my tattoo and judge me… Today, I wasgiven the opportunity to perform what I had prayed for.

I was at a coffee shop, ordering my tea and the baristacommented on my tattoo. She asked if it hurt, a lot of people ask that, andthen she said: “Can I ask you what it means?”

And in that brief moment, I was able to share with herwhat my Almighty God has done.

“It’s hard to explain in a short sentence. But the heartis my heart, it was broken and God healed it. God sent the Holy Spirit to washit out with living water. Then the Holy Spirit refined my heart with fire. Andthen God came to live in my heart and reign in my life.”

I smiled at her and she tilted her head: “That’s neat.”And she smiled too.

If my Almighty God can fix my disarray soul/heart, I knowHe can surely use a tattoo for His glory.

Oklahoma

For the last week I’ve been hanging out in Oklahoma spending time with my family. I’ve been having a great time seeing my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew. It’s so amazing to see how much the kids have grown and matured into who they are.

I’ve been having a blast hanging out with my niece, playing board games, computer/iPhone games, reading, drawing and playing make believe. And sitting with my little nephew, watching his favorite shows and watching him play with his race cars.

It saddens me to know that I’ve hardly been in their lives, but I’m glad to be a part of it when I can. I will never forget how excited and joyous my niece was when I pulled up the driveway. Or how animated my nephew was when he first introduced me to the house and all his toys.

I’ve made a personal connection with them that can never be taken away from me. And if I get just that out of my random road trip back to Cali, it will be well worth it.

Mother Dearest

When I attended Teen Mania’s the Honor Academy, I didn’t have the space to take a lot of things with me. One of the first things I had to call home for was clothes. I took a small suitcase with me, and I quickly found out that wouldn’t do. I spoke with my step-mom and asked her to pack me as much warm clothes as she could find and ‘nice’ looking things. When I received my first package from home, I was so excited and happy. I opened the box with delight, and when I noticed that an orange and peach sweater was packed – it brought tears and an overwhelming sense of love and protection to me.

My mom always wore this orange and peach colored sweater when she was relaxing at home. I can remember her siting on her bed with her hair up in a messy bun, night gown on, socks and this sweater – reading her Bible.

My mom and I weren’t as close as I thought. We didn’t talk very much, and we hardly shared personal and intimate things. But one thing, I know for sure, after all these years – is that she loved me, she kept me safe to the best of her ability and she protected me from as much as she could.

The first few years after my mother passed, her presence was made in small subtle ways – like this sweater. It was mistakenly packed, but meant to come with me. My mom followed me to the HA, that might sound strange or unrealistic to some – but to me, it was a small sign that I was making the right decision when I was so unsure.

I’ve started to pack for the move back to Cali, today I started to clean out my closet. I reached up on my top shelf and pulled down my Rubbermaid container, I opened the lid to place my books and journals in – and there, lying on the bottom was the warm, bright, orange and peach sweater.

My mom might not be here on earth any more, but she’s still with me.

And, she pops in just when I need her the most.

It will be Okay

The last few years have been hard on me in many ways, but one key issue that continues to make me doubt and have fear - is finances.

When I first started to “live my own life,” I relied heavily on a family that was helping me get on my own feet. Before them, I relied heavily on my dad for everything I needed. After I was able to (semi) provide for myself, I was able to not rely as much on the family or on my dad. However, things happen and I end up having to rely/ask for help.

One person, that is always there for me, and I know will always be there for me – is my dad. This past summer I borrowed money from my dad. He told me that he wanted the money by Christmas. At the time, I had no doubt in my mind that I would be able to pay him back. But, as life goes my circumstances changed and it became less and less of a reality that I would be able to pay him back.

The last few weeks, I’ve been getting more hours and working extra shifts. I’ve been trying to get extra money anywhere I can. When I received my check this past week, I was extremely blessed to find that I was given enough money to pay back my dad.

I came home after depositing the check and went to my file folder to grab my checkbook but couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere in the file folder. I than started to look throughout my room, but still couldn’t find it. Through this whole situation, I continued to tell myself that it would be fine and that my checkbook was somewhere in my room.

However, I couldn’t help but to feel as if everything was against me to pay my dad back. I try so hard to make him proud of me. I try so hard to do things that he would approve of. I don’t like when I disappoint him.

While in a high emotional panic of looking for my checkbook, I stopped and prayed that I would be able to find my checkbook to pay my dad back. I than cleaned up my room, while looking for the checkbook, and once again looked through my file folder. And right where it always is, I found my book.

I took the checkbook out of the file, wrote my check and placed the checkbook back. I than drove to the post office and mailed the package, along with the check, that I had for my dad for Christmas.

I got a call from my dad today saying he received the package.

“Thank you for the card, and the check. I had completely forgotten about the money. Thank you for keeping your word… I’m proud of you. At least I know you got one thing from me. My word.”

My dad always jokes that I’m my mother’s daughter. He also says that he’s very glad that I got most of her traits, morals and principles. He always says that he’s happy I’m more like her, than like him. To hear my dad say that he’s proud of me and that he’s glad that I got a trait from him – makes me happier than I can express.

I don’t get my dad’s verbal approval often, but to know that he recognizes the attempts I’m making gives me hope that one day everything will be okay.

The 24th Year

I’m 24 years old, today.

Twenty-Four Years Old.
The week leading to this day, was filled with lots of different emotions. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m so happy that I can celebrate my birth. I’m still in awe that the Lord saw fit to save me from myself. But with all the joy and happiness that came with this day, fear also came with it.

Am I wasting my life?
What do I have to show for 24 years?
What am I doing with this gift that the Lord gave me?

This past year of life, I did a lot struggling. Struggling with myself. Struggling with God. This year has been hard, tough, lonely, and difficult. But I’ve learned a lot about myself. And about God.

I realize this was the perfect time for God to show me He had my back. For the first time in years, my life is stable. So with nothing to worry about (ie: job, home, vehicle, etc.) the Lord was able to work with me on an issue that was very close to my heart.

Even though, I don't feel like I've had a whole lot of growth this year. I know I've learned that I can take care of myself (with the Lord's watchful eye) and that I don't need others to watch over me. I've also learned that I can provide for myself, I don't need people to give me money, food, or a roof over my head. I am able and strong enough to do it myself.

I learned that I can provide myself a living. Something I never thought I could do. I guess deep down, I never believed I would be able to provide for myself.

I also learned that I don't need to be in the middle of a 'spiritual' place to feel the Lord or to have the Lord see me. I learned that anywhere I went the Lord would also be there. He's never going to be far away.

I learned that this is what my 23rd year was for. For me to learn my dependence on the Lord and for the Lord to show me that I'm strong and that He'll never leave.

I can’t believe I’ve made it to see the day of my 24th birthday. The Lord has been with me up to this day, up to this year. And He will be with me for my many years to come.

I’m alive for a reason; I just need to use the years to come to figure out that reason. And if I’m doing that, than I’m not wasting my gift. Because at least I’m trying to do something with it than purposely wasting it like I was.

I’m 24 years old today. Thank you God.

~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

After Care

After my first hospitalization I was sent to an outpatient group. One of the projects that you were required to do was to make a bored explaining who you were.

Some of the points you had to hit on were:
~friends
~family
~how you saw yourself
~how you wanted to improve
~and how you saw a “high power”


I broke my board into three pieces: Stella (bottom right), Star (upper left) and Stella Star (center). At this point in my life, I saw myself as three separate people. Stella was the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be. Star was the inner crazy-psychotic girl hiding in the closet. And Stella Star was who I wanted to be, a mixture and combination of the two.

Being true to myself, the board is full of mixed media (ribbon, pictures, clippings, songs, poems, etc). Clippings from Ignite Your Faith Magazine (no-longer published) is used greatly; this magazine meant a lot to me – so it was important that it made the board. Another important item that made the board was my mother’s memory flier handed out at her funeral (in the Stella section).

Looking at the board now I realize that in some aspects I’m still the same, but I have changed greatly. It’s amazing to see how much I’ve changed in four years. This board still means a lot to me, it was who I was and how I felt at that time. It’s a part of my history and I hope to never forget it.


Focusing on the "Star" section.

This section of the board was made black, to represent how I felt – lost, alone and in the dark. This section also has my “glass.” It’s the analogy of the glass half empty or full. I had the glass half full and then wrote words around it of what I wanted to fill it with. Things I wanted to do with my life to make it more full and joyful.


Focusing on the “Stella” section.

This section of the board was made pink, to represent joy and happiness – something I wasn’t feeling. By the way, I hate pink. This section of the board represented what I thought everyone wanted me to be. What I thought was expected of me. What I thought I had to be. But because I couldn’t be it, I pretended a lot. I tried my hardest to place this façade up of what “Stella” should be.


Focusing on the “Stella Star” section.

This section of the board was made purple, to represent my favorite color – to represent the real me. This section of the board holds a lot of my core being: music, art, writing, God and friends/family. This board also holds my “Todd corner.” Todd Hertz was a very influential tool in my life that the Lord used. Todd was the first person I opened up to and was my main mentor in my life for many years. In the middle of this section, is a printed out copy of the lyrics to “Wishes and Dreams” by Stellar Kart. A song that I still aspire to have a romance of.


To view more pictures of my After Care board you can go here.

The 23rd Year

Here we are again. Another year has passed, and I’m still in awe of how great, mighty and merciful our God is.

I am 23 years old. I have lived on this earth for 23 years.

That thought - just blows my mind. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that I am “alive.” I am alive, breathing, walking, talking, and thinking. I am living!

I’m not dead. I’m not buried under the ground. I’m not another statistic. But I am living and growing and moving forward. I am ALIVE.

Every time the eighth of December passes on the calendar, I am brought to a standstill. Life moves so quickly sometimes. Life just races on by and sometimes we forget to stop and thank God. But every time December eighth comes around I fall to my knees in praise to the Lord.

I can’t explain how much my birthday means to me. I can’t form words of how thankful I am that I was born and that I’m still living. In my life, I’ve come to realize that life is a vapor. You can blink and it’s gone. Life is so precious. And at one point, it was so worthless to me. I would have and I almost did give everything to end it all. I almost passed up my life, my future and my destiny.

I never understood why I didn’t die, why all my attempts failed. And even now, I don’t know how I survived. But now, I am thankful that I did. God saved me, and even though I still don’t know why, at least now I’m moving in His plan instead of against it.

I am 23 years old.
I AM 23 YEARS OLD!

Thank you God.


Thank you.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

CAH-CHING!

Conversations with my dad aren’t always enjoyable. I have a lot of bills that my dad is helping in paying for me. And at moments my dad likes to “remind” me of how much he cares for me by helping me out.

So when my dad mentioned to me that he could get me health insurance with his work I told him no ‘thank you’ cause I couldn’t afford it. My dad immediately goes into his rehearsed speech and run down of my debit he’s paying. I tell him thank you and how much it means to me.

I also mentioned to him that I am trying my hardest to help out, he pauses and asks how. I tell him that I’ve been paying a credit card bill.

There’s dead silence over the phone for a good 10 seconds before he responds: “So that’s where the money is coming from!” He laughs loudly as he gets excited. “You’re the one that’s been putting money into that account? Really?!”

Apparently he’d noticed payments had been made, but didn’t know where they were coming from. I can hear the excitement, joy and pride in his voice. He was over whelmed and moved that I was helping.

He’s in complete shock for the rest of the conversation and continues to ask me if what I told him was the truth. I smile and giggle as I tell him ‘yes.’

My dad can’t always see the progress I’m making on my own, thousands of miles away. But he can track my paper trail. And when there’s less and less showing up, I know he’s impressed.

My dad won’t always say it, but I know he’s proud of me. The proof is in his voice.

wash-wash

I’ve been trying to get myself on a regular schedule. Get certain tasks done on a certain day, get things paid by a certain date, budget my money, etc. I’m trying my hardest to get myself organized.

One of the tasks of my life I’m currently trying to get consistency in is laundry. I’ve been trying to figure out what day is a good day, what laundry mat to use, what time has the less amount of people, etc. Everything is about timing. Not to mention skill and a balancing act. It’s ridiculous how much stuff I take with me into a laundry mat.

Today I walked into the laundry mat in one trip, I was pretty impressed. I place all my belongings down, I place the clothes into the washer, put in my soap, and then I walk over to the coin exchange. I walk back look at machine and notice that the number on the screen shows ‘1,’ meaning I only need to put one quarter in. I blink, step back and look at the other machines, they’re all showing ‘10’ ($2.50 a wash). I look back at my machine question it and then place in one quarter, the screen begins to blink, I lock the door and hit start, and my clothes begin to spin.

I smile as I watch my clothes getting washed knowing that I was greatly blessed. That’s another $2.25 I can save for next week’s wash. I’ve been a little worried about money lately. Like I stated, I’m trying to get my life in order, so with that I’m trying to pay off my debt. So I don’t have a whole lot of money lying around.

I go and sit as I smile and laugh to myself knowing that God see’s me.
He see’s my efforts, my struggles and my need’s.
He sees me.
And He’s more than happy to help - just to see me smile.

HELLO MARTY!

Meet my new best friend in the WHOLE world – Marty!


Marty is a four door 1996 Saturn Infiniti. Marty is the first 'real' purchase I've ever made. I’ve been working since mid January and been saving hard for him. I paid in full, so no payments, woot! He has a lot of miles on him, but does have a new strong engine. He needs cosmetic work and a few major fixes here and there (tires, trunk, brakes, etc.). But he is ready to go and drive!

I am having an issue with the pink slip however; so unfortunately he is sitting in the drive way being a temptation.

Oh Marty, soon love. Soon!

The 22nd Year

I was meaning to write this closer to my birthday, but I guess the week of my birth will have to do.

So, here I am, another year older. When I try to dwell on the thought that I lived another year – I’m speechless. I have survived to be 22 years of age; that in itself is a miracle. As I try to look back on this past year, and the years before, again I am amazed by the Grace our God has on our souls. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive.

I’m 22 years old, ha, I can’t even try to fathom that thought. But here I am, breathing and typing, so it must be true. I – I have lived to be on this earth for 22 years, that thought blows my mind. I mean we don’t (at least I don’t) count how many months we’ve lived on earth or how many weeks we’ve kept breathing; we don’t recognize those numbers but we acknowledge and celebrate the years. Aren’t the months, weeks and days just as important?

I’ve lived 264 months.
I’ve lived 1,188 weeks.
And I’ve lived 8,008 days.
(Approximately; I’m bad with math.)

And here I am flabbergasted about 22 years, LOOK at those numbers! I’ve lived that! I survived those days of joy, anger, deceit, remorse, guilt, and depression. And I stand (Err, currently sitting) breathing, sane, content and growing. I’m alive and full of life. I’m confidant (most of the time) and motivated.

This is a very big accomplishment to me.

I know some of you are thinking: “Why are you obsessing over being 22?” Because I shouldn’t be turning 22; I shouldn’t have lived 264 months, I shouldn’t have lived 1,188 weeks, I shouldn’t have lived 8,008 days – but I did! For some odd reason, far beyond my comprehension, I am alive and passionate about living (now).

Oh, how many times my life should have ended. How many times I should have died. So many times I heard the darkness and followed it, and it almost engulfed me. How many times was I foolish? How many times did I try to end my own life; and here I am 22 years old!

I never expected to live past my 21 birthday, but here I am at 22 and I realize this is for real; I am truly supposed to be alive. It’s an exhilarating feeling when you finally realize that.

So here I am flabbergasted, in awe of our Mighty Creator and very thankful for the people He’s placed in my life. This isn’t just mine and the Lords victory over the enemy, but this is OUR victory – ours as a family.

Thank you so much to the many that helped, walked, held and screamed at me along the way. Thank you to my support team, for never leaving or quaking next to me. Thank you to my prayer partners for always taking my request and never questioning why I was asking for prayer. Thank you to my friends who distracted me when needed and told me the bitter truth when necessary. Thank you to my mentors for being the leaders I needed to look up to, thank you for listening to my whining, complaining and screaming; thank you for understanding.

Thank you, thank you for helping me grow into the person the Lord has called me to be.

I couldn’t have survived so easily if it wasn’t for your help. Thank you for never losing hope or faith in me. Thank you for your part in me reaching my 8,008 days, 1,188 weeks, 264 months and my 22 years on earth.

Thank you,
~Stella Star Cordova


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Friendship.

It’s always difficult to open up to people. To let people into your life, into your mess and help you sort through it. But, this is made slightly easier by a good friend. A friend that you can run and vent to, a friend that you can scream & yell at, a friend that you can express your anger to and they tell you you’re being silly and need to grow up.

A close friend – a best friend knows a lot about you. They know what upsets you, they know what to say to make you smile, and they know when to try and talk sense into you or just let you vent your frustration.

Best friends are people that you choose out of your own accord to share private and intimate things with.

You don’t just tell a random person on the street that you’ve been depressed. You don’t tell the person sitting next to you on the bus that you have a gambling problem. You don’t tell your mailman that your spouse is cheating on you.

You just don’t reveal all your hurts and pains to the world. That would be insane. We don’t like sharing our problems, they hurt and cripple us. Why would we show someone we hardly know that we’re vulnerable? We don’t, but we do share it with our best friend. Someone we’re so close to.

When you have good news, when you’re so excited that you just can’t contain your joy, who do you tell first? Your best friend; the one person you know that will be just excited and thrilled as you are. When you find out awesome wonderful news, who do you first share with? Your best friend!

Good friends are crucial to our daily living.

So my question to you: Who are you’re good friends? And who considers you a good friend?

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the father told me.” – John 15:15

This is Jesus speaking. The man that came to the cross and died for our sins calls us a FRIEND. He calls us His friend because He shared (in the Bible) something so intimate with us, God – His father.

The creator of EVERYTHING calls us His friend! How awesome and amazing is that?

Think about this, the King of Kings, the Glory of Glories considers you a friend. A friend! He doesn’t see you as some random person on the street. He doesn’t see you as a sin-sick puppy. He doesn’t see you as a creeper. He see’s you as a friend. Someone He can share private and intimate things with. Someone He can be honest with. Someone He can tell and express everything to.

That’s pretty heavy to try and comprehend isn’t it? Trying to grasp that God considers me, you, a friend is pretty tough to accept. I, myself, just recently grasped and understood this.

I was reading this verse over and over; I was trying to meditate on it, I was trying to get the truth to stick in my mind. But it was hard, because I didn’t believe that I was God’s friend.

And then God brought this to my mind: When you’re friends with someone you share things with them. You give them gifts so they know how much they mean to you. When you’re good friends with some you tell them things even when it hurts.

God’s you’re friend when:
He tells you to talk to someone having a hard day. (He’s sharing with you).
He speaks to your heart, gives you vision, gives you a blessing (healing, money etc). (He’s giving you a gift).
He convicts you of a sin that is ruining your life or relationship with Him. (Telling you something when it hurts).

The Lord brought to my mind, my drawings. The drawing that I’ve made of visions that God’s placed on my heart. The Lord brought to my mind the many times He’s ministered to my heart and calmed me down. The Lord reminded me of times when I had nothing and then He blessed me with everything. And then, the Lord called me His friend.

All this time I’ve been trying to become God’s friend when I already was! The Lord was speaking and sharing things with me and I never realized that we had a friendship. Ha!

And once I saw and realized that I am God’s friend. I was able to accept that truth, and the enemy’s lie that I’m not good enough or worthy of God’s love or grace fled.

Lies can’t exist when the light of truth is shown on it.

So, my next question for you: In what ways is God being your friend when you don’t realize it? If you can’t think of any, pray and ask Him. And when He answers, you’ll know you’re His friend.

TRUTH!

I just had a revelation that is so simplistic that I cannot believe that I didn’t see it before.

The thoughts that you believe about yourself, your life or about others is how you portray yourself. The beliefs that have been installed in you at a young age will depict how you act and respond. The things you believe are what you become. What you surround yourself with you will reflect.

Most people will agree to these statements. Your thoughts, ideas and principles depict how you live your life. Now that, that’s a little harder to comprehend.

“So you’re saying because I’m always depressed, that I’m willing and allowing myself to be depressed.” Yes, yes I am.

I know, you’re about to curse me because I said yes. You might not think or say to yourself ‘I have to be depressed,’ but there is a thought that has been placed in your head (by you or others) that has made you believe (or accept) your depression.

“So, Star, you’re saying that I believe that I need to be depressed.” Maybe not in those words, but yes; a thought has been placed in your head growing up that has installed depression in your life.

I know; BIG revelation right?

Over the last month I have been going over how to identify lies and how to get those lies out of your life. I’ve been told over and over that these lies are told to us in small little ways, over many years; most when we were children.

These lies can consist of: “I’m not pretty enough,” “I will never pass this test,” “I deserve to be punished because I did something bad,” “I need to be sad because I upset them,” etc.

All of these statements are lies!

Over years of you believing that you’re not pretty enough, you will soon believe that you’re ugly and possibly that you will never be loved by another. If you believe that you will never pass a hard test, you will soon not attempt tasks because you believe you will never succeed. If you believe that every time you do something ‘bad’ you need to be punished, you will soon believe that you deserve nothing good because you always do bad. If you believe that you need to be sad every time you upset someone, you will automatically become depressed when some disapproves.

The thoughts you believe, is how you will react.

“Alright Star, this is pretty self explanatory. Why is this such a revelation?” Because your thoughts bad or good will reflect how you live your life!

So if you believe you are loved, you will not feel alone or abandon because you know people love and care about you. If you believe that you are acceptable, the thoughts of others will not affect you as much. If you believe you are worthy to be cared and looked after, it will not be so hard for you to accept hospitality.

“Yes Star, I’m following you. Where’s the revelation?” If the thoughts that were told to you over and over were negative and caused you to have negative thoughts , ideas and principles; why can’t you replace them with positive ones!

I know, I know, so simple!

“Are you serious Star, this is your BIG revelation?” Yes, yes it is!

I have the power to change my thoughts! I have the power to take the negative ideas in my head and make them positive! I have the power to tell the ideas running around in my head ‘No! That’s not true about me!’ I have the power! Not the negativity that has been running my life in fear and depression.

”Okay, so what are you going to do with this new found ‘power’?” I’m going to believe the TRUTH!

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” – John 8:32

I have heard this verse so many times, I have read the verse so many times; but it never sank in until now.

I always thought that I knew the ‘truth,’ I always thought that I knew what was right and what was wrong. But there’s more to it than that!

You might know that it’s wrong to think that you’re not worthy to be loved. You might know the truth that Jesus died for you on the cross; but until you truly know this in your soul and believe it you will not be set free!

Truth! You are LOVED by the King of Kings.
Truth, you are WORTHY of His love.
Truth, He died for you so that your sins would be washed AWAY.
Truth, the Lord is ALWAYS by your side.
Truth, the creator who made EVERYTHING finds you remarkable and breathtaking.

All, ALL of these statements are truth! But somewhere along the path of life many of us are told otherwise. We’re told lies that we are not worthy because we have failed. We’re told that we will never succeed. We’re told that no matter what we do, we will never satisfy others.

But all of these are lies! And how do we combat lies? With TRUTH!

We shoot back to the enemy (Satan, father of lies) that we are worthy! That God loves us and we are washed cleaned from our sins because Jesus died on the cross for us and took our sins to the grave.

We take truth (“I have a purpose for living”) and combat it with the lie (“You’re worthless”). And the more and more you say this and combat the lie with truth, the more you will believe and install the truth in your life until that lie no longer exists!

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Once you know the truth and have installed the truth into your mind, the lies will seem like what they are – lies, NOT truth.

”Wow, pretty insightful.” Yea, I know.

Once you understand that you need truth to combat with the lies, and that YOU have the power to combat these lies in your head; you’ll feel less like a victim to your thoughts.

”So, where do I get or find these truths?” In the Bible. The Bible is FULL of them! Read the Word of God and fill your mind with what God thinks about YOU!

You can also meditate on: ‘Who I am in Christ’ lists. Here are some links to help you: http://bit.ly/3q9Eyb and http://bit.ly/3dZBbf

Once, you know the truth and have it installed deep within your mind and your soul. The lies won’t be able to hurt you again.

“Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth.” – Ephesians 6:14


After the realization of "Lie Truth" a picture and video was inspired. You can view those here:
Picture of Lie Truth's.
Video about Lie Truth's.