Going through the January gauntlet week was like going through my gauntlet week again: waking up early, meeting new people, switching rooms, and staying up late for sessions. But the January gauntlet was definitely a lot different than the August (mine) gauntlet; it was a lot more impactful.
My gauntlet week was filled with fear, doubt and timidity. I hardly spoke to anyone, I was quiet, to myself, hid in my bunk, and cried myself to sleep every night. I was so unsure of what I was doing and most importantly what God was doing. As soon as I step foot on Teen Mania soil I was immediately attacked with thoughts of doubt and thought insanity that I made a ‘mistake’ and wasn’t supposed to be at the Honor Academy. And now, six months later, God had worked so much in me that every trace of that fear and timid filled girl was gone. I was (and still am) filled with such joy and hope.
I remember having mini “core” meetings every night during gauntlet; I was terrified when asked to give my thoughts and point of views. I hardly spoke any words and hung my head; my heart hardly connecting with the conversation or the speakers. And this time I surprised myself and my core by opening every night. I would be the first one to speak, give my point of view and what God had shown me.
The first night of the gauntlet was definitely the most impactful to me. Ron Luce was speaking on how this year would be one of dramatic change and growth. He spoke to the Januaries on how they had to leave the hurts behind them and let God heal them; to let God consume them with fire and make them pure. Days before I had been set free from much bondage; this message touched my heart dearly.
After the session we were directly to go outside to a bond fire and to throw anything into the fire that might be holding us back; either psychical, tangible, mental or spiritual – anything that might hold us back from fully letting Christ control our lives. Even though I had done this days before, it reassured the commit I made to Christ; to give him all my bondages and to never look back on them.
I wrote everything that was holding me back on a piece of paper and walked to the fire; with a deep breath and smile I threw the paper in and walked back to my room – determined not to turn back on those things.
A new start, a new year, a new commitment.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Freedom
I’ve been writing one of my mentor’s about the things I’ve been feeling, the thoughts I have running through my head and the things I’ve been sensing. They suggested that I get a group of prayer warriors together and pray that everything would leave. To cast every evil spirit and demon out by name. I did hesitate at first but I did it. I guess I never thought that it would work for me, that I wasn’t worthy of that ‘freedom’ and ‘release.’ I'm glad I did I finally did though; I guess I had finally had enough.
For New Year's Eve and Day the HA had a party. For the count down we all went in to the auditorium and as soon as the New Year started we started to worship. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. I love to worship, but with the way that my mind had been going, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't focus on Christ. The negative thoughts came back and my head raced. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the music or Christ I couldn't. I sat on the floor crying out of pure frustration. Some of my core came over and sat next to me, praying for me. At that moment I hit my bottom. I couldn't deal with it any more I needed everything to leave.
After the worship we were released and I gathered a handful of my core and one of my sister core to talk to. We walked outside and I poured my heart to them. It really does feel better to tell your sin, hurt and pain with others. I told them everything that I had been struggling with the last few months: cutting, suicide, mind racing, self hate, immorality, the demons, the evil, everything. I told them everything. We then moved inside and sat in a corner and prayed. One of the girls prayed for me and then I prayed and then another girl. I didn't really expect to pray but I'm glad I did.
We cast everything out, we commanded everything to leave - I commanded everything to leave and for Satan to let me go. I can't explain what happened that night, but it was amazing. I haven't had a suicidal thought since, I haven't wanted to cut, haven't been depressed. I've been happy - truly happy and full of joy. I feel different, I feel changed. I don't feel that burden, pain, hurt or ache any more. I'm free. I know I'm free. I feel clean and pure. I don't feel controlled by that any more. I'm free!
It sounds weird when I try to explain it, but it's the truth. Prayer really is important and God's name is truly important. I learned that a lot that night. Now that doesn't mean I haven't had those same old thoughts, I have but I've been able to catch them as soon as they start and cast them out. I'm able to catch myself before I let things get too bad. And I was never able to do that before. I never saw them coming. Now I do.
I honestly feel different. I'm honestly a new person. Everyone keeps asking why I'm so happy, it shows, I'm not who I was. It blows my mind that something like that, a change so dramatic, could be so simple.
For New Year's Eve and Day the HA had a party. For the count down we all went in to the auditorium and as soon as the New Year started we started to worship. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. I love to worship, but with the way that my mind had been going, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't focus on Christ. The negative thoughts came back and my head raced. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the music or Christ I couldn't. I sat on the floor crying out of pure frustration. Some of my core came over and sat next to me, praying for me. At that moment I hit my bottom. I couldn't deal with it any more I needed everything to leave.
After the worship we were released and I gathered a handful of my core and one of my sister core to talk to. We walked outside and I poured my heart to them. It really does feel better to tell your sin, hurt and pain with others. I told them everything that I had been struggling with the last few months: cutting, suicide, mind racing, self hate, immorality, the demons, the evil, everything. I told them everything. We then moved inside and sat in a corner and prayed. One of the girls prayed for me and then I prayed and then another girl. I didn't really expect to pray but I'm glad I did.
We cast everything out, we commanded everything to leave - I commanded everything to leave and for Satan to let me go. I can't explain what happened that night, but it was amazing. I haven't had a suicidal thought since, I haven't wanted to cut, haven't been depressed. I've been happy - truly happy and full of joy. I feel different, I feel changed. I don't feel that burden, pain, hurt or ache any more. I'm free. I know I'm free. I feel clean and pure. I don't feel controlled by that any more. I'm free!
It sounds weird when I try to explain it, but it's the truth. Prayer really is important and God's name is truly important. I learned that a lot that night. Now that doesn't mean I haven't had those same old thoughts, I have but I've been able to catch them as soon as they start and cast them out. I'm able to catch myself before I let things get too bad. And I was never able to do that before. I never saw them coming. Now I do.
I honestly feel different. I'm honestly a new person. Everyone keeps asking why I'm so happy, it shows, I'm not who I was. It blows my mind that something like that, a change so dramatic, could be so simple.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The 21st Year
Just another second, moment, hour; of a day, week, month; of another year – that I’ve lived. As I reflect on these 21 years of my life, all I see is hurt, pain, heartache and neglect; of others and of myself. I thank God to my core that he’s spared my life; for I should not be celebrating this year, month, week, day or moment.
If I’ve learned anything in my 21 years, that is: God is love, mercy and grace. Whenever we are down, He is there to pick us up. God is our comforter, friend, supporter and life guard. He never leaves nor forsakes us. And even when times are down and there seems to be no hope; God is there the most.
I can not believe that I’ve made it to this day. There are so many moments that my life could have been taken away; and yet by the grace of God I stand! I am blessed and thankful that I’ve had the privilege to live these 21 years, and am anxious to live many more.
I might not know why I’ve made it to see the day of my 21st year – but I know it brings joy to the Lord. And the joy of the Lord is mine.
~~~
To read my other birthday blogs, go here.
If I’ve learned anything in my 21 years, that is: God is love, mercy and grace. Whenever we are down, He is there to pick us up. God is our comforter, friend, supporter and life guard. He never leaves nor forsakes us. And even when times are down and there seems to be no hope; God is there the most.
I can not believe that I’ve made it to this day. There are so many moments that my life could have been taken away; and yet by the grace of God I stand! I am blessed and thankful that I’ve had the privilege to live these 21 years, and am anxious to live many more.
I might not know why I’ve made it to see the day of my 21st year – but I know it brings joy to the Lord. And the joy of the Lord is mine.
~~~
To read my other birthday blogs, go here.
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