Third time’s a charm, right? Everything is all better, fixed and correct now; right? Nothing bad will happen anymore, I won’t have to come back – right? Oh, no that’s – that’s not how it works.
Oh how I wish that it did. How I never had to step another foot in a place like this, but no, I find myself in yet another hospital. Another week of my life lost and gone, never to come back; another set of doctors and nurses to poke and probe at me. Another round of pills, therapies and diagnosis to determine “what’s wrong” with me; another cold empty room, with pasty white walls and a bed that creaks with every immoral thought.
And again, I have no one to blame but myself. Who else made me place the blade with ripples from heaven to my skin and produce the liquid of sorrow? Who would make me take the pills of sweet delight to end my life of gum drops and candy canes?
I mean who could have talked a sensible girl like me into doing such a thing?
The voices of course.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Healed and Protected
Went to BHOP tonight, I went wanting an intimate touch from the Lord; I didn’t expect to get it though. I walked in, placed my stuff down and began to sing. At the beginning I felt very muffled, like there was no connection.
After a while I moved to an almost empty room that was dark. I felt like I was supposed to go to that room but couldn’t bring myself to go to it. I finally forced myself to go to the room and began to pace and sing to the Lord. He told me that I would go to the darkness, to the lost and forgotten and help them. But that I wasn’t supposed to stay in the dark, I was to go to help and then come back to the light; my place wasn’t in the darkness.
After a while the two other people that were in the room left and I had the room to myself, by this time I had turned the light on and began to pace and roam the room. Walking in a big circle and continued to sing. At one point, I began to spin. I started to dance and move around, it felt right, I was to dance for the Lord.
A little later a women came up to me and introduced herself to me: “Hey, I’m Karen, can I pray for you?” I said yes and nodded. “I just feel like there is a veil of anointing over you. I can see that you have a spirit of a warrior, but a heart that is full of love and compassion. And when you dance and sing, it’s as if it moves all throughout the room and affects the people getting praised. It moves out side of this room and affects change.” She began to pray over me, over and over she continued to say: “There’s a great anointing over this one. This one is special.”
After she prayed for me I went back to singing and dancing. I was watching the prophecy room, because I wanted to go in, but the line was too long. At one point a guy entered the room (Aaron) and urgency came over me. ‘Fight! Fight and don’t give up!’ I continued to pace and sing, the urgency wouldn’t leave me. ‘Fight and don’t give up! You are stronger than this. Don’t listen to the enemy!’
After the guy was finished he went back and sat down. There was a tugging at my heart that I tried to ignore but couldn’t. I went up to him and told him what I had felt and heard. I introduced myself to him and continued to speak to him. The Lord spoke to him through me. It seemed like it hit home. I smiled and then left.
The line finally went down in the prophecy room and I went to wait. I went in, Pastor Steven introduced Deborah and Jeff to me and then he said he just kept getting that the walls and strongholds that were holding me back that were beginning to break. That there were plugs built up that were going to give way and I was going to be set free. Jeff said that he saw me blossoming and growing. That everything else was turning into Fall but that I was going against it and turning into Spring. I was going to blossom, grow and shine. This season would be full of change and growth. Deborah said that she kept getting: “Be still and know.”
The BHOP session was amazing, I felt so free and healed. I truly needed that.
After a while I moved to an almost empty room that was dark. I felt like I was supposed to go to that room but couldn’t bring myself to go to it. I finally forced myself to go to the room and began to pace and sing to the Lord. He told me that I would go to the darkness, to the lost and forgotten and help them. But that I wasn’t supposed to stay in the dark, I was to go to help and then come back to the light; my place wasn’t in the darkness.
After a while the two other people that were in the room left and I had the room to myself, by this time I had turned the light on and began to pace and roam the room. Walking in a big circle and continued to sing. At one point, I began to spin. I started to dance and move around, it felt right, I was to dance for the Lord.
A little later a women came up to me and introduced herself to me: “Hey, I’m Karen, can I pray for you?” I said yes and nodded. “I just feel like there is a veil of anointing over you. I can see that you have a spirit of a warrior, but a heart that is full of love and compassion. And when you dance and sing, it’s as if it moves all throughout the room and affects the people getting praised. It moves out side of this room and affects change.” She began to pray over me, over and over she continued to say: “There’s a great anointing over this one. This one is special.”
After she prayed for me I went back to singing and dancing. I was watching the prophecy room, because I wanted to go in, but the line was too long. At one point a guy entered the room (Aaron) and urgency came over me. ‘Fight! Fight and don’t give up!’ I continued to pace and sing, the urgency wouldn’t leave me. ‘Fight and don’t give up! You are stronger than this. Don’t listen to the enemy!’
After the guy was finished he went back and sat down. There was a tugging at my heart that I tried to ignore but couldn’t. I went up to him and told him what I had felt and heard. I introduced myself to him and continued to speak to him. The Lord spoke to him through me. It seemed like it hit home. I smiled and then left.
The line finally went down in the prophecy room and I went to wait. I went in, Pastor Steven introduced Deborah and Jeff to me and then he said he just kept getting that the walls and strongholds that were holding me back that were beginning to break. That there were plugs built up that were going to give way and I was going to be set free. Jeff said that he saw me blossoming and growing. That everything else was turning into Fall but that I was going against it and turning into Spring. I was going to blossom, grow and shine. This season would be full of change and growth. Deborah said that she kept getting: “Be still and know.”
The BHOP session was amazing, I felt so free and healed. I truly needed that.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
True Healing
Went to theophostic prayer for the first time today; I was nervous and scared, but I couldn’t wait to start. I want a change, I want a change in me to be made so that I can flourish and grow and not be like how I am. I don’t like how I am, I don’t like the way I think and feel and act. I dislike that way that my emotions and self mutilation runs my life. I want it to be gone.
So we walked in (Camilla, Evelyn and I) and met Sherrie. She was a nice, friendly southern bell. She reminded me a lot like Lesli, with her wording and phrasing; it was comforting. I signed papers and read a lot and then we started the session.
So we sit in the chairs, get comfortable and then she smiles and looks at me: “Where should we start?” I looked at her with wide eyes, a heavy heart and urgency in my spirit – Devon. I briefly explained Devon and the situation. We then went back in time and focused on a memory, a memory of me being a little girl in pre-school and a little boy giving me attention.
I think of that memory every now and then, I didn’t think it held any power though. I didn’t think that memory could hold lies, deceit and affect my daily life; but it did.
We asked the Lord to come into the situation and to reveal truth to me. It was amazing. I could see myself sitting in His lap, His arms wrapped around me and just loving on me. He kept kissing my forehead and hugging me tight. At one point the Lord was playing with me. Another memory sprouted off the pre-school memory.
I had seen the little boy once after pre-school at a store and I hid from him. I didn’t want him to see me or recognize me. The Lord came into that memory and said: “Boo! I see you. You don’t need to hide from me.” It was sweet and gentle. The Lord just kept playing ‘hide-and-seek’ with me; ha ha, you’ve never lived until you’ve played hide-and-seek with the Lord.
At one point, Sherrie asked the Lord if I was important. We were still focused on the ‘I love you’ part, after a while I asked the Lord myself if He thought I was important. At that moment, the thought of ‘No’ instantly filled my head. Before the ‘O’ was said the Lord sternly said: “Satan go away, you have no ground here.” And the thought was gone. The Lord then said: “Protected. You are protected.” It was amazing; absolutely amazing to know that the lord fights for me – for you.
Can’t wait for my next session.
~~~
What I learned from the session:
The Lord spoke to me that I was precious and that he loved me. He kept repeating over and over: “I love you.” The Lord said I was protected, that He always protects me. And that I’m misunderstood but that He understands me.
So we walked in (Camilla, Evelyn and I) and met Sherrie. She was a nice, friendly southern bell. She reminded me a lot like Lesli, with her wording and phrasing; it was comforting. I signed papers and read a lot and then we started the session.
So we sit in the chairs, get comfortable and then she smiles and looks at me: “Where should we start?” I looked at her with wide eyes, a heavy heart and urgency in my spirit – Devon. I briefly explained Devon and the situation. We then went back in time and focused on a memory, a memory of me being a little girl in pre-school and a little boy giving me attention.
I think of that memory every now and then, I didn’t think it held any power though. I didn’t think that memory could hold lies, deceit and affect my daily life; but it did.
We asked the Lord to come into the situation and to reveal truth to me. It was amazing. I could see myself sitting in His lap, His arms wrapped around me and just loving on me. He kept kissing my forehead and hugging me tight. At one point the Lord was playing with me. Another memory sprouted off the pre-school memory.
I had seen the little boy once after pre-school at a store and I hid from him. I didn’t want him to see me or recognize me. The Lord came into that memory and said: “Boo! I see you. You don’t need to hide from me.” It was sweet and gentle. The Lord just kept playing ‘hide-and-seek’ with me; ha ha, you’ve never lived until you’ve played hide-and-seek with the Lord.
At one point, Sherrie asked the Lord if I was important. We were still focused on the ‘I love you’ part, after a while I asked the Lord myself if He thought I was important. At that moment, the thought of ‘No’ instantly filled my head. Before the ‘O’ was said the Lord sternly said: “Satan go away, you have no ground here.” And the thought was gone. The Lord then said: “Protected. You are protected.” It was amazing; absolutely amazing to know that the lord fights for me – for you.
Can’t wait for my next session.
What I learned from the session:
The Lord spoke to me that I was precious and that he loved me. He kept repeating over and over: “I love you.” The Lord said I was protected, that He always protects me. And that I’m misunderstood but that He understands me.
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