Book Worm

One of my favorite authors is Lurlene McDaniel, I discovered her around my sophomore year in high school. In high school, I was part of that cool group of kids who hung out in the library. Yea, ya’ know, that awesome group of people who spent almost all their extra time reading and hanging out with the phenomenal librarian.

Wait -- what? You didn’t have that group of kids at your school? Not ‘cool’? Please! That was the happening place.

Ha ha, okay, so my group might not have been the ‘coolest,’ ‘most popular,’ or ‘trend-setters.’ But we did have TONS of fun hanging out in the library. We were known as the ‘lunch bunch,’ and if you asked anyone in our class if they knew where we were their answer most likely would have been: “Have you checked the library?”

Now, in my group almost everyone read about 2-4 books a week. No lie. I wasn’t that heavy of a reader, I was known as ‘the writer,’ so when I started to feel left out of the book conversations I asked the librarian for a recommendation and she handed me a book by McDaniel. I don’t remember which book she handed me, but what I do remember, for the first time I found a book from a Christian perspective that I could relate to.

Most of McDaniel’s books relate to teens and young adults facing life-altering situations and how they overcome/work through their situations by either finding God or holding onto God/hope. For someone who felt trapped and drowning in depression, seeing the silver lining so obviously or quickly gave me hope.

I’m no longer in that dark place where I was when I first started reading her books, they’re no longer part of my life-line. But now years later, I still find hope and inspiration in McDaniel’s books. I love the way McDaniel can take different circumstances and turn them into a beautiful and inspiring story.

So, whenever I go to the book store and I’m looking for a good read I always head to the young adult section and look in the M’s. This last time I found ‘Heart to Heart,’ one of McDaniel’s newer books.

I have kind of been on a book spree lately. That happens time to time, where all of my free time goes to reading and nothing else. I have been neglecting my New Year’s Resolution of reading eight (8) books. I know that’s not a whole lot of books and that I still have a lot of time. But I feel like I’m really falling behind on the resolutions that I wanted to do this year, I can’t keep getting distracted and sidetracked by my goals. I need become more focused!

Generational Music

One of the many reasons why I love music so much is because music can branch and connect many different generations and personality types together. Music, for the most part, has no limitations. With all the many ways different artists and musicians can take one song and change it, is mind-bending to me. You can hear one song by a rock band and hear that exact same song by a county band or R&B artist and it’s completely different. I love that part of music and the music industry. Songs are so powerful with their lyrics and meaning and being able to change their melody so they can be easier accepted by an individual or group of people is - phenomenal! Being able to change the melody of a song so people of all ages, races and economical standings can relate to the true meaning of the song, can be life changing.

Whenever I’m in my car, I always have music playing. ALWAYS. Since I’ve moved back to Cali, I’ve found myself driving my aunts around a lot. One aunt hates to drive and the other doesn’t have a vehicle. And because all of our musical tastes are different, I’ve been having a hard time finding something for all of us to listen to.

Driving home tonight, I placed on one of my favorite bands (who I consider to be a ‘softer rock’) and placed the volume low. My aunts are sitting in silence resting from our long day as I’m driving and singing along to all the songs.

And then, Stellar Kart’s version of ‘You Never Let Go’ plays lightly across my stereo – as three strong and vibrant voices accompany it.

’ Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
You keep on lovin and you
Never let go’

This amazing, magical and spiritual moment stuck with me and will stick with me – forever. All three of us singing in unison praising our Lord. My Almighty God, He never ceases to amaze me!

To some, this is ‘just a song.’ Words with no meaning played to a musical beat that has no power. But to me, it’s more than a song. It’s a life line that connected us together and when I hear this song again it will keep us connected.

This was a life changing moment for me. A moment that made me realize even though my aunts and I don’t have the same musical taste we do have one thing in common – our God. Because of ‘a song’, played in different musical ways it installed in us that our God will never let us go, He will never abandon us. That connection, that bond will keep us united and strong together – forever.

Bad Days

We all have days that are mentally and emotionally bad. Right? Or is that just me?

Days where it feels like your mind is racing and you cannot grasp your thoughts. Days where your emotions are on a high speed rollercoaster that has no ending. Days, where you just want to crawl into a ball and cry.

I know I say and share a lot of things on this blog. But one thing I still feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sharing and saying are the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Sure I am open and honest, but that’s with things I feel like I have a ‘handle’ on. I am always vague when it comes to things that hold me captive at the exact moment I am writing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever come straight out and said I struggle with controlling my mind and thoughts. I know I’ve shared that I struggle(d) with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. But I don’t think I’ve ever shared how hard it is for me to operate when I’m having a ‘bad day’ or when I’m struggling with these things. I don’t think I even know how to express these particular issues in words.

I struggle, a lot, with depression.
I struggle, on a daily basis, with my self-confidence.
I struggle, every second, with keeping my mind ‘in-check.’

Every moment, of every day, I have to take my thoughts captive and force them to be happy or godly thoughts. Every moment, I have to examine my thoughts and make a conscience decision if it’s a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thought. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, I have to be fully aware of what I’m thinking.

This might seem retarded or extreme, even unrealistic, but I have to be aware of what my mind is doing. Because if I’m not I unknowingly can go down a very dark and slippery path. A path I hate going down, but find myself on a LOT.

So yea, I have bad days. And those bad days feel like the end of me. And even though I fight and fight and fight against them, I feel like I will never win. I feel like these bad days, will be all that there ever will be.

But, then one day the line of bad days end and I finally feel hope again. But by then, the bad days have left me as a shell and I feel defeated. And God always comes, fills me up and I feel whole again.

But I just wish these bad days didn’t have to happen. BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I hate going down that dark path where I feel like the only way to make the bad days stop is to hurt myself.


I don’t know if this makes sense. This might only make sense to a group of people that know how this feels. That struggle, like I do, with controlling their emotions and mind. Or, this might not make sense to anyone and I’m the only one who feels this way. I DON’T KNOW.

But what I do know, I can’t keep all this inside. I can’t keep these thoughts and emotions inside, to run my life. So even though I have ‘bad days,’ I know I can’t give into them. Which is hard, cause that’s all I feel like I want to do. I feel like there’s no other choice.

And that is why I have to watch my mind.
And why I hate bad days.

Because no matter how much my heart, soul and spirit knows that God will keep me safe and protected. My mind, thoughts and emotions refuse to believe in my Almighty God.