All In

"All In (Apologize)"

By Stellar Kart

It's easier to be the crowd, to just fit in and not stand out at all
To make a case for apathy, and never risk a thing in case you fall
And this is life and we all decide
The stand we take and this is mine

That I am not ashamed, wont walk away
Not trying to disguise, or ever hide the
Reason that I choose to be a fool
For the one who saved my life
I wont apologize

It's hard to walk a narrow road, and know that you might be the only one
To go where no one else will go, pressing on until the race is run
And this is life and we all decide
The choice is ours and this is mine

That I am not ashamed, wont walk away
Not trying to disguise, or ever hide the
Reason that I choose to be a fool
For the one who saved my life
I wont apologize

As for me, I am all in
As for me, I am all in, all in

I am not ashamed wont walk away
I can not deny

That I am not ashamed, wont walk away
Not trying to disguise, or ever hide the
Reason that I choose to be a fool
For the one who saved my life
I wont apologize

I'm the One

I don’t know how many times I’ve stated on this blog that ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart is my favorite song. This song brings me so much peace and love. I know God uses this song to bring me closer to Him.

About a month ago, I created a ringtone for my phone of this song. I find it a little awkward, sometimes, when I’m out in public and my phone rings. You hear this loud ringtone playing music and a males’ voice singing:
“I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams”
The last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling really lonely. I’ve been craving some kind of affectionate attention. It’s been really hard on me, and I have to remind myself that I don’t want a fleeting touch. A touch that lasts a few short waving moments and then leaves just as quickly as it came.

This morning I was folding my laundry, my mind wondering to things it shouldn’t. I was listening to my custom iTunes playlist, my phone sitting next to me, and without realizing it ‘Wishes and Dreams’ started to play. The next thing I know the chorus of the song starts to play and my phone also starts to ring. I picked up the phone, talked to the person, hung up and got back to my folding. And then I realize what song was play and I corrected my thinking.

After a few more morning chores I’m now in my room, checking my email and still listening to my playlist. Again, for a few more seconds I’m thinking of things I know I shouldn’t do. And again, ‘Wishes and Dreams’ plays across my speakers and as soon as the chorus starts my phone rings - in sync with the song.

And then it hits me, God was trying to tell me something. I missed it the first time, but He didn’t give up. God tried again to gain my attention and my emotions of love and satisfaction.

As soon as I made this realization, I was shocked, surprised and a little ashamed. Shocked that God tried twice to get my attention, surprised that God would even try to tell me how much He loves me and ashamed that I didn’t go to Him first.

I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask God to remind me of how He loves me. I didn’t ask God to help me correct my thoughts. I just allowed myself to dwell on the wanting of my skin.

However, God didn’t just sit back in the atmosphere. He didn’t wait patiently as I toyed with the ideas of how I could please myself. God roared in with the promises He made me. He stated loudly what He could do and how He could make me feel.

And when I didn’t get it the first time, He did it again. And I believe, if I didn’t get it the second time He would have done it a third and a fourth. Because that’s how much He loves me! That’s how much God loves us.

God tells us on a daily basis how much we mean to Him. I’m saddened to think how many times we miss it. How many times does God have to tell us again and again and again?

But He won’t give up. He’ll never give up.

“Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you”

I’ll be the One.

One of my ALL time favorite songs is ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart. No matter what mood I’m in (good, bad, life changing, etc.) this song instantly snaps me out of my reality and into a state of worship.

I don’t remember when I first heard this song and I don’t remember when this song became a favorite of mine. What I do remember is the desire and the deep aching of wanting a relationship described in the song.
’I’m watching you from a scenic view
Taking in your every move
Who you tried so hard to be
Full of Wishes and dreams
That did not come true for you
I can read you like a book
Sad stories everywhere I look
Faded pictures remind you when
What could have been
Did not come true for you [2x]

[chorus]
I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams

Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you [2x]’
I tried to find a physical relationship, described in the song, but it failed – horribly. I was hurt, scarred, devastated and for a little bit, lost. I couldn’t listen to this song for a very long time; it hurt too much to listen to it. It reminded me of the relationship I tried to build on these lyrics.

It wasn’t until I invited God into this heartache that He started to heal me from this relationship. And that’s when I realized that this relationship that I was idolizing – I could have. It was in my reach.

It’s a relationship with God.

Here I was hoping, longing, wishing for someone to come and sweep me off my feet and take away every little pain I had EVER felt in my life. And all along it was right in front of me – I had already started it, I just had to nurture it. I had to allow God into my hurt, into my pain, into my emotions, into my memories, and into my heart. I had to allow Him to rewrite my story and retake my pictures.

I had to allow God to make me whole, so that we could be whole together – forever.

Generational Music

One of the many reasons why I love music so much is because music can branch and connect many different generations and personality types together. Music, for the most part, has no limitations. With all the many ways different artists and musicians can take one song and change it, is mind-bending to me. You can hear one song by a rock band and hear that exact same song by a county band or R&B artist and it’s completely different. I love that part of music and the music industry. Songs are so powerful with their lyrics and meaning and being able to change their melody so they can be easier accepted by an individual or group of people is - phenomenal! Being able to change the melody of a song so people of all ages, races and economical standings can relate to the true meaning of the song, can be life changing.

Whenever I’m in my car, I always have music playing. ALWAYS. Since I’ve moved back to Cali, I’ve found myself driving my aunts around a lot. One aunt hates to drive and the other doesn’t have a vehicle. And because all of our musical tastes are different, I’ve been having a hard time finding something for all of us to listen to.

Driving home tonight, I placed on one of my favorite bands (who I consider to be a ‘softer rock’) and placed the volume low. My aunts are sitting in silence resting from our long day as I’m driving and singing along to all the songs.

And then, Stellar Kart’s version of ‘You Never Let Go’ plays lightly across my stereo – as three strong and vibrant voices accompany it.

’ Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
You keep on lovin and you
Never let go’

This amazing, magical and spiritual moment stuck with me and will stick with me – forever. All three of us singing in unison praising our Lord. My Almighty God, He never ceases to amaze me!

To some, this is ‘just a song.’ Words with no meaning played to a musical beat that has no power. But to me, it’s more than a song. It’s a life line that connected us together and when I hear this song again it will keep us connected.

This was a life changing moment for me. A moment that made me realize even though my aunts and I don’t have the same musical taste we do have one thing in common – our God. Because of ‘a song’, played in different musical ways it installed in us that our God will never let us go, He will never abandon us. That connection, that bond will keep us united and strong together – forever.

Wishes and Dreams

I constantly tell people that music is my life. And I’m sure they think I’m just a huge music buff. But in reality, if I hadn’t found the songs that inspire me; I would be dead.

I know here, on my blog, I talk a bit about my “past.” I mean I’m so young, how much of a ‘past’ can I have? Right?

When I first tried to “start my life” (ie: figure out who I was), I struggled - a lot. In most people’s lives, you start ‘finding your own’ around the ages of 13-16. You make your own friends, you make habits that last you a life time, you discover what you like or don’t like, you set goals, you find your interests and you start the journey of finding yourself.

I tried doing all these things, but I constantly found myself lost in a cloud of ‘darkness.’

I was depressed, I was severely depressed. I didn’t know I was depressed though, I thought the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I felt were ‘normal.’ I had felt and thought these things for so long that I didn’t know there could be anything different.

So, with depression a major part of my adolescence I started to form dangerous habits and thought patterns. I started to cut around 15; I remember the days leading up to my first time. I was confused, anxious, sad, upset and wounded. I was manic. All I could focus on was harming myself and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I had somehow convinced myself that harming myself would solve my problems. And to me, they ‘did.’

But as things in my life got harder and tougher, the self-harm escalated. I found myself wishing death, I attempted getting myself there. But the one thing, the one thing that kept me semi stable and sane – was my music.

I knew, without a doubt, that when I popped in my Stellar Kart CD and listened to track number 9, I would find comfort in the words. Track number 8 of Staple, I would find courage. Track number 12 of Pillar, encouragement. And track number 5 of Thousand Foot Krutch, partnership.

I found hope, courage, strength and a desire to live in these songs. I knew these musicians wrote these songs for me, for people like me who felt like their world was ending and crumbling around them. And in this, I knew I wasn’t alone – even though I felt it heavily in my heart.

My music saved my life.

That might sound absurd to some or far-fetched to others. But music is my life; it’s what keeps me going. It reminds me of the hope I have and helps to remind me to never let it go.

’I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams
-‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart


To read more of why ‘Music is my Life,’ go here.

Until My Heart Caves In

'Until My Heart Caves In'
cover by Stellar Kart

I’m a warrior, I’m a warrior
I would die for You, for You
My love is fierce, I’m a warrior
I would die for You, for You

I’m a warrior with a warrior’s heart
And it burns for You, for You
My love is fierce, I’m a warrior
I would die for You, give it all for You

I won’t give up, I won’t give up on You
I won’t give up on You
I will sing Your name until my heart caves in
Until my heart caves in

I won’t give up
I won’t give up
I won’t give up
I won’t give up

I will sing Your name until my heart caves in
Until my heart caves in
Until my heart caves in

I’m a warrior, I’m a warrior

I will sing Your name until my heart caves in
Until my heart caves in
Until my heart caves in