Ever since I left Texas, I feel like I don’t communicate with people on a deeper level as much. I’ll admit, when I was in Colorado, I was in a DEEP depression. I HATED Colorado. I was always down, depressed and lonely. I felt so isolated. And when I tried to share with people that I normally shared with, I felt like they didn’t have time for me or just didn’t care – out of sight, out of mind. I felt deep in my soul that I had somehow burned all of my bridges by moving away.
Now, I knew that God was calling me to Colorado, so I followed where He lead. I know, that I needed that alone time with God. The years I was in Texas I was surrounded by people. I constantly had someone watching over me/my back. I had a lot of people to be accountable to. I had a good amount of mentors/spiritual leaders I could look up to and ask for help/advice. I knew this was a test for me to see how well I could do on my own. And I know, to an extent, I failed it. However, the Lord did show and teach me a lot at that time.
The Lord showed me that I wouldn’t crash, burn and die without a ton of people helping me/keeping a close eye on me. I would only crash and burn – from time to time. He showed me that I could provide for myself and that I could do things on my own. With how much I hated Colorado, I still believe without a doubt that I was supposed to go there. Why? Because it brought me home, back to Cali.
When I lived in Texas, I was terrified to move back to Cali. I was so afraid to move back into this house, my dad’s house. Before I left Cali and went to Texas a lot of bad things went down in this house. And I was so frightened that the things that happened before I left would continue to happen. But by me moving to Colorado, it made me realize who really had my back – my family. And that’s when I realized it was time for me to come back home, it was time for me to face the demons that were laughing in my face and it was time for me to confront the things I had run away from.
So, here I am, back in Cali stronger than I was before I left but still not strong enough. I am happier then when I was in Colorado and I’m not as depressed. I feel a little more like myself. But I still feel isolated, I still feel like my bridges are burnt and I am still lonely. And to be honest, I think I feel the loneliest I have ever felt.
I am constantly reminded by God, the music I listen to and by a handful of friends that I am important, loved and that I am a Fighter. But even with looking back at everything I’ve overcome, worked through and have learned – I feel like it doesn’t matter because all I see is an ugly overweight girl in her mid-twenties wasting her life. Who is STILL struggling with things in her past and has to remind herself on a daily basis that she cannot run from life and can’t have a “do-over.”
This past week, I scared myself very badly. For the first time, in about a year, I heavily thought about harming myself and I started a suicide plan. And all I could think of was that I had no one to talk to or to help me because I had burnt all my bridges and no one really cared if I lived or died.
So I sat in my room, with the door closed and rocked myself on my bed while listening to music and repeated to myself “I am loved and precious.”And I somehow was able to calm myself down enough to go to bed.
I feel like no matter what I do or what I overcome I will ALWAYS be this ugly overweight girl who struggles, alone, with the thought of harming or killing herself.
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
-‘Need You Now (How Many Times)’ by Plumb
