Sometimes It Lasts At Love...

If you’d ever visit our home, you’d instantly think we’re either lovers’ or hoarders’ of cars. We have four “classic” cars that line the side of our house. Three out of the four cars, anyone can see and admire their beauty. They’re not restored, but they’re gorgeous in their old age.

However, the fourth is not a rare model, it’s not made by a special company and it doesn’t have a fancy body. It’s small, blocky, has no leg room and it’s not that old (for a car). It’s just a car from the 80’s that’s covered in dirt and has degraded flat tires.

The other day we took the ’53 Chevy pickup truck for a drive (the ‘Twilight’ truck). Grumpy is slowly restoring this truck and we take it out from time to time to keep it in working order.

After our drive, I hopped out of the passenger seat and ran to the drivers’ side to place the cinder block behind the back wheel – just to make sure it’s secure. And that’s when I saw a little yellow card stuck between the Renaults’ driver’s door and window.

“WE BUY JUNK CARS”

The card was a business card from a local company promoting their removal services for old vehicles and machinery.

“Marty is NOT JUNK!” I shouted loudly as I showed the card to Grumpy. He looked at the card, chuckled and shook his head. Who knows how long that card had been there; and that I would find it a week from my mom’s birthday. But seeing that card on her old car – upset me.

Marty was my mom’s first ‘real’ purchase, at least that’s how she always told me the story. After her first marriage ended horribly, my mom was on her own and Marty was the first thing she bought by herself. She was always so proud of him.

My mom drove that car everyday till the day she died, for over 20 years. My dream is to one day restore Marty, better than he was, and drive him for another 20.

The next day Grumpy and I were driving home from a day of fun, when the song “Someone Like You” by Adele came across the speakers. Since the release of this song, my dad has always associated it with my mom.

“Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said,
‘Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead’”

There we were in front of the house, sitting in my car, listening to the song, singing along and staring at Marty.

“They thought Marty was junk.” Grumpy chuckled – and I laughed.

No. No, Marty isn’t junk.

When I Met You

April and July are hard months for me. April the month my mom was born; and July the month she died. This year marks 10 years that she’s been with God. It feels so much longer; I can hardly remember her. She’s been gone almost half my life.

My moms’ twin, aunt Stella (who I was named after), really struggled with my mom’s passing in the beginning. After years of therapy and healing, my aunt is finally on the “acceptance” stage of grief. I feel like I’ve reverted to the “depression” stage. I know grief can be a cycle; we can cycle in and out of the stages of grief.

It’s really hard for me to deal with this.

I did so well when my mom passed. I truly believed (and still do) that God had a purpose for taking my mom. It was easy for me to “work through” the stages of grief after she passed. I did it in one night actually.

One long, late, tear-filled night.

A week or so after God took my mom. I sat in my room, listened to music and with my emotions fresh, I unleashed all of my thoughts and emotions to God. I remember so vividly, sitting in a corner, the tears running down my face, hitting the floor and yelling at God. I’d randomly get up, pace my room, hit the closet, kick my bed, and scream into a pillow.

“Why God? Why did you do THIS?!”

“Why did you take her?”

“Why couldn’t I save her?”

I’ve struggled with the guilt of not saving my mom on and off since her passing; but that’s a story for another journal entry.

I remember staying up past 3am. I gave all my hurt, pain, anger and questions to God and He filled me with peace and gave me reassurance that I would be okay.

This is why cycling through the stages of grief is hard for me. I know God healed my hurt. I know God took my pain. I know God was in the room with me when I was grieving.

God hurt with me. God grieved with me.

And it’s not that I still don’t believe that. I know I’m healed. God took my brokenness and put me back together.

I am healed. But, I’m also human.

Just because I cycle in and out of grief, it doesn’t mean I don’t trust God. It means I love my mom.

 And that I miss her.

“I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time”

Song: “All This Time” by Britt Nicole

The stages of grief

Just Keep Breathing

A couple of weeks ago marked the one year anniversary of me being self-harm free. I’ve said that three times in the last ten years.

So much has happened in the last ten years; so much happened when I turned 17. I started cutting a few months after my birthday. My mom was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer. I discovered my passion for music. The Internet became my world. And so many other things happened.

It’s so weird to think it’s been ten years. Ten years of me fighting the urge to place a blade to my skin. At moments, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. And at other moments, it seems like a lifetime.

It saddens me.

It saddens me that cutting has been such a big part of my life. It saddens me that I’ve only been able to stop three times; the first time for a year, the second time for two & half years and this third time for one year.

I was so lost last fall (Oct-Dec 2013). I had a fight with my dad, I packed my bags and left home; I couldn’t handle living in a toxic environment any more. I ran to the only place I could think of, my “sanctuary” became my trigger. The people who were supposed to help me, pushed me over the edge.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I knew if I gave in, it would be so hard to stop. But it didn’t matter, I was alone. Truly, and utterly, alone.

I cut more in those three months, then I had EVER done. I couldn’t stop. I was emotionally spiraling out of control. I was grasping for anything. It was SO BAD.

At one point, it finally clicked in my head to just stop and breathe. My thoughts were racing; I had to force my brain and emotions to stop. I needed a break. I was sitting in a Starbucks, writing in my journal and listening to music. I was hiding.

“2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone…

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing”

I went to my dad the next day, we worked out our problems and I moved back in. I learned that sometimes being in a hard place is better than being in no place at all. And that good really does come from bad.

It was so hard to stop; almost unbearable.

I remember lying on my bed and forcing myself not to move. It took over an hour, but the urge finally passed. One afternoon I was walking in the hardware store with my dad, and we walked down an aisle with every type of blade ever made by man. And I craved them, like I never craved anything before. My skin ached and I became jittery. I was an addict hurting for a fix.

As the months have passed, the lust has subsided, but it’s always there. And I know it always will be. I will always struggle with self-harm and depression. But as long as I remember to breathe, I know I can make it to the next hour and to the next aisle and through my life.

Let Me Go

Why does love have to be so complicated? And hurt so much.

I’ve been dating this guy on and off for the last five years. We’re together for a couple of months and then we don’t speak for four or six months. He then comes crawling back to me and I always take him back; and the evil bitter cycle of hurt, disappointment and loneliness starts again.

I have a very strong, dominate and stubborn personality. I need someone by my side that can reign me in and keep me in check. Not someone I can push around and bully.

But he loves me, my bitchiness and all. He’s always there. And, he’s persistent.

No matter how many times I shove him in the mud and kick him in the face, he only wants me.

And that really messes with my head.

I mean, he has to love me to constantly deal with that – right? And even though I love him for never giving up on me, we’re never going to work out.

So, his constant pursuit of me is exhausting.

I can only hear his empty promises so many times. And my demands to “leave me alone” have no substance anymore, even to me.

This is a Call Out

I remember when I first discovered this song; I thought it was my life to the 'T'. It's like Trevor himself wrote about me, as if I told him all the details of my life and my situation and he wrote it in a song for all to see. 

“She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again.

Then her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don't understand her,
She's a question without answers, who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
She needs to find her purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this, and…”

Thousand Foot Krutch is my second favorite band (of all time). And this song is my second favorite song. I don't think I've ever actually stated either of these facts on this blog. If you've been reading my blog for any long length of time you would know what my favorite song it ('Wishesand Dreams') and who my favorite artist is (Stellar Kart), because I talk about them ALL the time. 

However, TFK has a very special place in my heart and in my life. A private/intimate place.

Whenever I'm going through a medium to difficult situation in my life, my first response is to turn TFK on. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried to myself and/or wrote journal entries with TFK blasting in my ears. I relate to so many of their songs, this song is just one of many songs I feel were taken from my journals.

I discovered TFK at my very first Acquire the Fire event. Ha ha, it really is quite funny how my life kind of revolves around ATF. Anywho, I had just started listening to Christian music and seeing TFK perform live on this huge stage with hundreds of people all around me and their music blaring through the speakers – something just clicked. After the concert I went to their table and I bought all the CD’s they had released at the time. I then went home and listened to their music NON-STOP.

This all happened a few months before my mom died.

I vividly remember sitting in the car, being driven home from school, Air1 playing on the car stereo when this song came through the speakers. Like I said in the beginning of this entry, it was my life to the very detail.

I had just started to self-harm, my mom was in the middle of her fight with pancreatic cancer, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling or thinking. I was so confused, lost and scared; and there was Trevor singing my story.

“She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause every time I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to the place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
'cause I've been this way for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about”

I played this song over and over and over. It became my anthem for a very long time; it became a part of me.

This is one of the songs that started my love affair with music.

Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but remember this hard time in my life. But, I’m glad to say, that I no longer see it with pain and hurt.

God knew what He was doing. He placed me at that ATF, in that seat for a reason. He knew I would connect with TFK. He knew I would become obsessed with their music. And He knew that this song would be the rope I desperately needed to cling to. He knew that seed would get me through the hard years ahead of me.

He gave me a gift; a precious, life altering gift, that I will always be grateful for.

Song: "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch

She Shall Be Clean

I listen to this song a lot, when I'm grasping for a string to hold onto. I discovered it in my teens (shortly after the song was released), and I instantly gravitated towards it. It's a song about self-harm, felling alone and how God is always there and will never leave you.

“She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, ‘maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean’"

"will be the answer that could wash the slate clean". This line always stood out to me. I have always said that I cut because it's easier to feel physical pain then emotional/mental pain. However, a lie truth I believe is: 'cutting will make it better'. That somehow by me harming myself will make the pain, problem, and situation better. That magically, seeing my blood will change my circumstance and my life will be "good" and "happy".

But that's never the case.

I was reading in the book of Leviticus yesterday, for Wednesday night Bible study, when I ran across this verse:

“Then she shall be clean from the flow of her blood”. -Leviticus 12:7b

For those who don't know what the book of Leviticus is about, or what chapter 12 is about, the beginning of the book documents the ritual traditions that the Israelites were to follow; and chapter 12 describes what a women is to do after giving birth to become clean again.

Now, I've never given birth and I'm not trying to relate self-harm to the miracle of life - but that verse really stood out to me. 

In my study Bible footnotes, it says: 'The loss of blood signifies that one is incomplete and unclean'.

“And the priest shall make atonement for her, and she shall be clean”. -Leviticus 12:8c

Under the new covenant, Jesus Christ is the high priest and His atonement was His dying on the cross.

definition; atonement - satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

For so many years I’ve been placing a blade to my skin to make things ‘better’, when Jesus had already done that. Jesus has already made things ‘better’, He’s already made me clean. No more blood needs to be spilled for my life. Enough blood has been spilled.

And the more I cut myself, the more of my own blood I spill, makes me incomplete. I’m trying so hard to piece myself back together; so why do I continue to tear myself apart?

“Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries”

Song: "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole

Magical

I love Jon Foreman's voice. I think it just get's better with time.

I use to hate acoustic versions of songs. It annoyed me so much. I couldn't comprehend why someone would ruin a song that was skillfully crafted with electric instruments with dead hollow sound.

Somewhere, over time, I learned to love acoustic songs. Honestly, I prefer them now. How's that for irony?

There's something about stripping a song down to the basics. Just a voice, a few strung strings, a solid bass and the words. You get to the heart; to the core of the songs' life. And it can touch your soul; you and the song become one.

A properly arranged song, is life changing. And then if you turn that to acoustic, it becomes magical.


And if you get Jon Foreman to sing it, it's just heavenly.

Song: "Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" by Switchfoot

Breathe

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. It was the breath of fresh air that I desperately needed.

"When heaven seems so far away

And dreams are just a memory

When love is all too hard to hold

Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing"

I've been in manic mode the last few weeks. My thoughts have been racing, I've been on edge and triggery. It was like I couldn't catch my breath. I kept gasping over and over, trying to fill my lungs. But instead it felt like they were getting full of water.

There was an incident on Friday, that almost pushed me off the ledge I was teetering on. I've been teetering on this ledge a lot lately, and I've fallen off it most of the time.

But, in this moment, with my mind spinning, my thoughts racing, my emotions in over-drive and my skin craving the blade... My fighting instinct finally kicked in.

"2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone

The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

I sat still. Took a deep breath and forced my mind to clear. I haven't been manic for so long, I forgot how paralyzing it is. I also forgot that I control it, it doesn't control me.

Isn't it amazing what a soothing breath can do? How it can clear your mind. Make your world better. Give you hope.

It's amazing how taking one extra moment for yourself can get you to the next second. I need to remember to take that moment more often. 

"When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone
When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

Song: "Just Keep Breathing" by We The Kings

You Can't Run When You're Holding Suitcases

This song sends me mixed signals, which makes me love and hate it.

“You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid”

I am always envisioning myself running away. I see myself running away from my family issues, my mental & emotional state, my financial hardships and my life in general. In these fantasies, I see myself with bags in my hands, throwing them into Thomas and driving away into the sun-set, blasting TFK.

“Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run”

On days that I love this song, it encourages me to leave my problems behind me and to hold my head up high and face the world with determination. On days that I hate this song, it torments me with the realization that I need to leave my problems at God’s alter and allow Him to take my problems and heal my ravaged heart.

“Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?

Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh

Abandon your troubles by the side of the street

Just let them go now, believe me”

However it doesn’t matter what day it is when I’m listening to this song, it always makes me dance and smile. Because I know when I do abandon my hurts and pains, I’ll be happy and free. 

And who doesn’t want that? 

Song: "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean

Crush the Idols

I discovered this song a few weeks ago, and my soul fell in love with it. Yes, my soul. This song convicted me to my inner being. It convicted me, but also lifted me up at the same time.

I'm one of those people who critic every sound they hear. I don't do this out-loud (of course), but I do it in my head - all the time.

I am CONSTANTLY having to check myself when I'm in church and the worship team is on stage.

I love my church, everyone is so friendly, loving, caring and helpful. It really is one big family. And I get so much from the pastor's. I've also been growing a lot in my walk with God and in my knowledge of the Bible. It's been a good growing/stretching season for me... In more then one way.

I love my church, but the worship team(s) - aren't my cup of tea. There are two 'teams'. One team is an older couple that play very contemporary and somewhat dated music. They sing a lot of hymns (my nemesis), and use mainly a guitar and a piano. The second team is lead by a younger women. She sings a lot of modern songs and uses a lot of tracks (there's no one that plays an instrument on her team). However, she doesn't have knowledge of how to rearrange a song or conduct singers, so they're usually all over the place.

I find myself constantly having to check my heart and remind myself that I'm supposed to be focusing on God (not on the singing) and that I'm supposed to be worshiping (I'm not at a concert). I struggle a lot of the time focusing on the "right" things and this hinders me from truly worshiping the Lord and entering into His presence.

I've been trying really hard to overcome this, because I know it's not right. And I know I shouldn't have such a silly thing influence the way I interact with my Lord. But, it's really hard for me.

So when I heard this song, MAN, it broke me. It cut me to my core. But, it also encouraged me.

I realized that it's okay that I want to listen to "professional" worship music. I realized that this was becoming an issue for me, so I started to take the right moves to adjust my heart, soul and spirit. I'm on the right track. As long as I keep crushing the idol of music and continue to put God first, then I'm okay.

I'm okay. 

Song: "Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham

Air 1 Radio

One of my main resources for finding new music to listen to is Air 1. I've been an Air 1 listener since high school. With all my traveling, from here to there, I've always been able to find an Air 1 station to listen to. Air 1 has been a huge encouragement and motivator for me.

I can remember countless times, where I needed an answer from God and He spoke to me through the songs that Air 1 was playing at the time. When ever I feel lost, out of control, overwhelmed or want to give up; it's as if 'magic' that Air 1 plays the song I need at that exact moment to continue moving on.

Multiple times a year, Air 1 has a pledge drive to raise funds. They are a listener supported station, which means they don't play commercials. They continue to stay on the air-waves and play music because people donate money to keep them in business.

This week they're having their fall pledge drive. I've never been in a financially stable place to donate to them myself. But my hope is, to one day be able too.

To give to Air 1, go here. If you give now, 
when you make a $40 monthly pledge on the EZ Gift Plan,
 not only are you keeping Air 1 on the air, 
but you're also providing a new winter coat
 to a child through Operation Warm! 
Check out their heart-warming ministry here.

Who Will Love Me for Me

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. I've basically been listening to it non-stop. I discovered it about a week ago through the new iTunes radio tab. I use to listen to Air 1 through iTunes, but iTunes updated their program and now changes the way that their "radio" tab works.

Basically, you pick the genre you want to listen to and iTunes picks random songs on iTunes that matches that criteria and plays it. It's actually really helpful and cool. I love Air 1 and listen to it all the time, but sometimes chatter/talking distracts me when I'm thinking or concentrating and it makes it difficult for me to think/concentrate. And since I'm always listening to music when I do ANYTHING, sometimes I get distracted doing daily tasks (yes; a shameless excuse from a procrastinator).

When I first heard this song on iTunes, it struck a cord to my heart. And I instantly had to look it up.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means"

I've been going through a lot of emotional and physical change this week. It's been emotionally and mentally difficult and heavy for me to deal with. And this song has been my anthem, through it all. 

"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

Sometimes, we feel unlovable. Sometimes, we feel like we will never be enough. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what we do, we will never satisfy anyone. Sometimes, we feel like we're nothing.

In those times, in those dark moments, when we feel like there's nothing more to give. Sometimes God comes through, sometimes God comes in with his Majesty and shakes us to our core.

And sometimes, God doesn't come roaring in and we need to remember and cling to the promise that He loves us.

Because, sometimes, all we have is hope that He loves.

Song: "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

Scars to Stars

I've been listening to Air1 a lot the last few weeks. I listen to music in a cycle. For a while all I will listen to are play-list's that I've created. Then I'll move to a certain artist and then another artist. Then I listen to one song non-stop for weeks at a time. And then I finally make my way back to the radio. Where I discover or re-discover music that I love, I create new play-list's and the cycle starts all over again.

Last night a song played on the radio that I had completely forgotten about.



When I was at Teen Mania, I became OBSESSED with Switchfoot. I found people all over campus that had their music; I borrowed CD's and I listened to them non-stop for a few months straight. I secretly fell in love with Jon Foreman's voice.

Late at night, I would go out to the gazebo behind the dorms and I would lay in the grass on a blanket. I would take my journal, Bible and iPod. And I would just lay there under the stars listening to music. I felt so lost at Teen Mania, I had so many personal issues and I didn't know how to take care of them - so I isolated myself a lot.

I've always felt a special connection to the stars and the star shape. I mean, I go by Stella Star for goodness sake! Ha ha. So it should be no surprise that I gravitate towards songs that sing about stars, what they are or how they make people feel.

So, when I found 'Stars' by Switchfoot at a time in my life where I felt so disconnected and like an outcast - it brought me peace and hope.

"When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars I feel like myself

When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone..."

Yes, I had problems. Yes I struggled with depression and self-harm. And yes, I was the one to blame. But when I finally admitted that, admitted I was damaged - I realized I wasn't the only one. And I realized that I couldn't save myself. I had to ask for help; I had to reach out for help. And no, I didn't do that while at Teen Mania, my healing process didn't start till after I left. But God started working in me. He built up my strength and courage in the conversations I had and in the music I listened to.

God kept me safe, until I was ready. Truly read to examine my scars.

Song: "Stars" by Switchfoot

Sing to Me

Music is a huge passion of mine. I think that’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone I meet and talk to for about 5 minutes, cause I always somehow bring it up. I can’t help it, I love sharing music as much as I love listening to it.

I receive so much healing, peace and comfort from music; I can’t help but share.

I started to really get into music when I was about 14, I want to say. Shortly after that, like most teenagers, I started to day-dream and fantasize about the ‘Rock Star life’. Of course I had dreams of being a rising star, being in a world-famous band and touring all over the world. But I also fantasized about being in relationships with my favorite musicians and touring with their band and being the ‘supportive girlfriend’.

I want to be part of music so bad, but all of my attempts at learning instruments seem to end badly. And I have a fear of singing out loud, especially when others are around.

I’m super self-conscience, in general really – about everything, about my singing ability.

When my step-mom was alive and her two sons were living with us, I would sit in my room on my laptop listening to music and sing my heart out. I would leave my bedroom door open, but I learned quickly that closing it was better – for many reasons.

I remember, so clearly, one day I was sitting on my bed singing along to a song and my step-mom’s youngest son telling me stop singing. To shut up, I was hurting his ears.

“Stop Stella! Stop singing! You’re awful. Just stop! STOP SINGING!!”

To this day, I can hear his voice echoing in my mind and I can see him walk pass my door covering his ears with his hands. He wasn’t the only one who told me to stop singing, so did my step-mom. They said a lot of other things about my singing. After that was when my self-consciousness of singing really started.

I do still sing when I’m all alone. And I do sing out loud when it’s just my dad or grandpa in the house – I don’t sing as loudly as I use to. It’s more of a whisper really…

However, one place I never hold myself back from singing is in worship. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I never hold back when I’m worshiping my Lord. I love to worship God. I love worshiping Him. And I know He doesn’t care that I can’t sing. I know He doesn’t mind if I’m not on pitch or that I can’t keep a tune. It’s so freeing.

I’ve been going to this recovery group for a couple of months now and I finally motivated/encouraged myself to go to Sunday service this morning. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable going to new churches. Luckily a couple of people from my group were at the service I went to.

The new friend that I’m making in group sat next to me during the service and after the service they turned to me and said that I had a great singing voice. It made me really uncomfortable. I played it off. Then the worship-leader’s husband introduced himself to me, and he said the same thing. Again, it made really self-conscience. Then the pastor came to chat with me, and my friend trying to be helpful mentioned my singing and the CD I had given them – and then the pastor suggested I talk to the worship leader. By the end of the day, I had four people saying that I had a good voice and three were pushing me to join the worship team.

I can’t sing; I know that. I knew this before the traumatizing incident. But to have all these people who don’t know me and who’ve only heard me sing once, say these things about my singing ability and how I should be on the worship team… It scares me.

I don’t know what God’s trying to do. But I really hope it doesn’t involve me singing, cause I don’t think I could handle that healing/recovery process at the moment.

Air That I Breathe

I almost cut myself today.

In my mind, I had already done it. I saw myself with a razor, pulling it across my wrist and seeing the blood. I can remember in the past the turmoil I would feel about cutting. Emotionally I wouldn’t want to do it, but my flesh would and once my mind was made up – there was no stopping me.

The weird thing about today is that I could see myself cutting in my mind. My mind had made the decision to harm, but my spirit hadn’t. I stood in my room, looking at my wrist, my mind seeing blood and then the next second I saw a sign that I had seen a few weeks before.

“Celebrate your Recovery, Tuesday Nights at 6:30pm.” I saw the sign a couple of weeks ago, in front of a church, and I knew instantly what it was. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ based recovery group for hurts, habits and hang-ups.  

I raised my eyes from my wrists to my clock, 5:58pm. I got dressed, grabbed my journal and got into Thomas. I drove to the church, entered the building and sat for the lesson. Everything happened so fast, just as quickly as my mind made the decision to cut; it made the decision to go.

I learned something today, about myself; I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. When my mind made the ‘decision’ to cut, my spirit hadn’t. My soul hadn’t. Of course my mind is going to jump to self-harm, that’s how I trained my mind to react. When I had the thought today there was no wanting, no craving, no desire – it was exactly that, a thought.

And just as quickly as I had this negative thought, I had a positive one. One that sought out God.

That makes me happy, and a little proud. Cause even though I see nothing but my hang-ups, I’m slowly transforming my mind. And that’s something to celebrate!

 Source.

 The song I was listening to while writing this post:

'Air That I Breathe' by Rapture Ruckus

Sing to My Soul

I’m addicted to music. I think that’s pretty obvious if you spend more than five minutes looking at my blog.

I don’t know what caused me to be overly obsessed with music. My dad is a music fan, I remember driving in the car and listening to the ‘oldies.’ My mom was also a heavy music fan; she was on the worship team at our church.

But I don’t remember ever being heavily influence to enjoy music the way I do. I remember I really started to like music right before we moved out of the Harold First house. I had become obsessed with the Spice Girls. I had almost every piece of merchandise they made.

I didn’t start to really get into music till after we moved from Harold First and into the house we’re in now. My second band obsession, Backstreet Boys. Yes, I was a BSB fan. Oh the memories of the late 90’s pop band-cookie cutter burst.

It wasn’t till I discovered Christian hard-rock that I fell in love with music. Up until ’05, I guess I never really realized that there were different types of music. I mean, yes, I was aware that there were different genres of music, but I wasn’t aware that music could move you – to your core. The music I listened to was mainly pop-feel good-get your feet moving music.

But there I stood in a stadium full of hundreds of young people and I finally got it. Music is a way to get out the things you never knew you could find the words for. I stood in my aisle staring at the stage and I knew in my soul I was finally complete.

Something dramatically changed in me that day.

From that day I started to listen mainly to Christian music. Sure, over the years I’ve crossed the line into mainstream music, but my heart belongs to the alternative-Christian market.

In high-school, I remember my friends and I would talk about our future husbands and what our expectations were.

“I’ve already told God, that He only has two options to give me in life. Either I marry a rock star or I become one."

I remember telling my friends. And to this day I’m still keeping God to that. But, I can’t sing to save my life and me and instruments don’t get along. So, I’m waiting hopelessly for my rock star to come sweep me off my feet with a bass guitar in one hand and take me into their tour bus.

Now, I know this is highly unlikely. But that’s what dreams are, right? They’re supposed to give you hope for better. And that’s what music is. Music gives us hope that one day things will change, that things aren’t what they are, and that all this turmoil isn’t for nothing.

The music that inspired this post:

'Scars' by Colton Dixon

'This is Who I Am' by Colton Dixon

'In Crowd' by Rapture Ruckus

Safe from the Music

After my mom died, I became even more obsessed with the Internet. My mom had strict rules of when I could be online and for how long. My dad on the other hand, had no rules. Well, the only “considerable” rule was that shouldn’t be looking at anything I wasn’t supposed to be – porn (yes, I typed it; SCANDEL!).

After my mom died, things felt like they were kind of spiraling out of control. I had a lot more responsibilities, my depression and self-harm accelerated; I just wanted an out – a way to escape everything. And I found it; I started chatting a lot on message boards. I could escape into this real imaginary world that I had created for myself.

I’m a big day-dreamer, I constantly have my head in the clouds (shocker, right?). But, this world that I had created online was so much better. There were other people involved, real people that I could actually interact with. People that gave me what I wanted, at least what I thought I wanted.

To make a long story short, I got a lot of emotional and mental scars from those boards. And with me being as obsessed with music as I am, there were a few key CD’s that I listened to while I was online. From time to time I’ll hear one of those songs play and it’s as if my skin is literally crawling. My ears start to ring, I feel a panic attack coming on, my stomach knots and I feel sick. The song itself could be a good song, a happy care free song, but the memories attached to them can send me into a tail spin.

But then God shows up, like He always does. He takes my hand in His and He sits and waits with me until the song finishes and I can finally breathe again. It’s strange isn’t it, how songs can free our souls but they can also keep them in bondage.

The good news is that God can take that song and change its meaning to us. He can transform the sadness into joy and the tears into cheer. God can save us from ourselves; and from the music.

“'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe” - ‘Breathe (2 am)’ by Anna Nalick

Jesus is Alive - so hold TIGHT!

I’ve been listening to the song ‘Promises’ by Sanctus Real non-stop the last few days.

This song has been encouraging me a lot. Around my birthday, I always feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m 25 and I am still as unsure about my life as I was five years ago. The Lord has done so much for me, and I feel like I’m wasting the life that He’s blessed me with. I know that might sound ludicrous, but it’s the way I feel.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11; New International Version (NIV)

I’ve been thinking about this verse a lot too. It’s one of the ‘promises’ that I’ve been clinging to. God has a future for me, and I need to believe that when the time is right that He will lead me to that future.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” -Romans 8:35-39; The Message (MSG)

That’s a crazy thought, isn’t it? Here I am worried that I’m wasting my life but why would Jesus fight and die for me if I wasn’t important? If I wasn’t someone special who was going to do something special. I mean, I wouldn’t fight or die for someone who I didn’t love or think was going to change the world.

When I think of it like that and all the times that I could/should have died, I know that the ‘promise’ must be true.

That encourages me and makes me happy. It gives me hope, that maybe I can make it through this crazy topsy-turvy adventure that some call life.

Wear Your Crown

Source.

Don't be ashamed to wear your crown! <3

"This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,
It's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)
You're worth more than gold
(Gold gold you're gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown
You're a king you're a queen inside and out."
-'Gold' by Britt Nicole

Take Him In

Music is my air.
It’s what I wake up for.
It’s what keeps me grounded.

I wanted to share a list of songs that I have been listening to heavily the past few weeks/months. The first and third songs, I’ve been listening to the most.

We all need a reminder sometimes of how special we truly are and of just how majestic our God is.

‘Promises’ by Sanctus Real
‘The Story of Your Life’ by Matthew West
‘My Own Little World’ by Matthew West
‘One Thing Remains’ by Kristian Stanfill
‘Draw the Line’ by Disciple
‘You Are’ by Colton Dixon
‘Need You Now (How Many Times)’ by Plumb