...grace

I’m starting over - again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? It would be different if this was the first time I had to deal with this issue. It would even be understandable if this was the second time. But after the fourth or fifth time, this is just plain stupidity.

So here I am, attempting to relearn this lesson again and I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, and overall – alone.

While looking at this issue, yet again, it’s really sinking in of how selfish I am. How self absorbed I am. How needy I am. How deceitful I am. And how much I need to let God take this away.

So, why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson?
Why is it hard for me to let this issue go?
Why can’t I let God in?

The funny thing is; I know the root to all these questions: I don’t want to let it go. I refuse to let it go. I want it. I will fight to keep it.

For some odd reason I still believe in the lie truth that this issue gives me value. That it will fulfill my needs. That it makes me special.

No matter how much my mind knows that all these statements are false, my heart still believes they’re true. Until I allow God to erase these lie truth’s from my heart I will continue to deal with this issue.

I know the solution seems simple: allow God to fix you. But lie truth’s are tricky. They install themselves into you so deep that you will run from anything that contradicts them.

Plus, there’s another lie truth that’s mixed into this beautiful web of displeasure: I cannot trust God. No matter how much my heart knows this is not true, my mind still believes it is.


So here I sit, typing in anguish and continue to relive this lesson… God give me grace.

Bondage.

I envy people who can express how they're feeling; people who openly verbalize what they're going through. They say what they’re thinking and hold nothing back. They tell you their emotional state and how it’s affecting them. They’re not ashamed to let others know.

Sometimes this can be too much information. Some people overuse this self confidence. But people who can find the happy medium - I envy.

I envy people who can put into words what’s bothering them.
I envy people who can freely speak.
I envy people’s boldness.
I envy people’s confidence.
I envy - their freedom…

Their freedom of not being trapped by words.
Their freedom of openness.
Their freedom of liberty.
Their freedom of wholeness…


I envy people who aren’t trapped in their own skin.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a captive in the enemies’ camp. I’m trapped and tied down. I’m in bondage and can’t wiggle. My mouth is wired shut and no matter how hard I try to cry for help - I don’t make a sound.

I can will myself until I make myself ill, and still, my lips won’t budge. My entire body shakes with wanting and desire to speak, but I cannot part my mouth. Puddles of frustration gather on my eye lids; and I can’t – I just CAN’T.


I’m trapped; trapped by my silence...


I’m tapped.
I’m alone.
And - I’m scared.