Music is a huge passion of mine. I think that’s pretty
obvious to anyone who knows me. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone I meet
and talk to for about 5 minutes, cause I always somehow bring it up. I can’t
help it, I love sharing music as much as I love listening to it.
I receive so much healing, peace and comfort from music;
I can’t help but share.
I started to really get into music when I was about 14, I
want to say. Shortly after that, like most teenagers, I started to day-dream
and fantasize about the ‘Rock Star life’.
Of course I had dreams of being a rising star, being in a world-famous band and
touring all over the world. But I also fantasized about being in relationships
with my favorite musicians and touring with their band and being the ‘supportive girlfriend’.
I want to be part of music so bad, but all of my attempts
at learning instruments seem to end badly. And I have a fear of singing out
loud, especially when others are around.
I’m super self-conscience, in general really – about everything,
about my singing ability.
When my step-mom was alive and her two sons were living
with us, I would sit in my room on my laptop listening to music and sing my
heart out. I would leave my bedroom door open, but I learned quickly that
closing it was better – for many reasons.
I remember, so clearly, one day I was sitting on my bed
singing along to a song and my step-mom’s youngest son telling me stop singing.
To shut up, I was hurting his ears.
“Stop Stella! Stop
singing! You’re awful. Just stop! STOP SINGING!!”
To this day, I can hear his voice echoing in my mind and
I can see him walk pass my door covering his ears with his hands. He wasn’t the
only one who told me to stop singing, so did my step-mom. They said a lot of
other things about my singing. After that was when my self-consciousness of
singing really started.
I do still sing when I’m all alone. And I do sing out
loud when it’s just my dad or grandpa in the house – I don’t sing as loudly as
I use to. It’s more of a whisper really…
However, one place I never hold myself back from singing is
in worship. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I never hold back when I’m
worshiping my Lord. I love to worship God. I love worshiping Him. And I know He
doesn’t care that I can’t sing. I know He doesn’t mind if I’m not on pitch or
that I can’t keep a tune. It’s so freeing.
I’ve been going to this recovery group for a couple of
months now and I finally motivated/encouraged myself to go to Sunday service
this morning. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable going to new churches.
Luckily a couple of people from my group were at the service I went to.
The new friend that I’m making in group sat next to me
during the service and after the service they turned to me and said that I had
a great singing voice. It made me really uncomfortable. I played it off. Then
the worship-leader’s husband introduced himself to me, and he said the same
thing. Again, it made really self-conscience. Then the pastor came to chat with
me, and my friend trying to be helpful mentioned my singing and the CD I had
given them – and then the pastor suggested I talk to the worship leader. By the
end of the day, I had four people saying that I had a good voice and three were
pushing me to join the worship team.
I can’t sing; I know that. I knew this before the traumatizing
incident. But to have all these people who don’t know me and who’ve only heard
me sing once, say these things about my singing ability and how I should be on
the worship team… It scares me.
I don’t know what God’s trying to do. But I really hope
it doesn’t involve me singing, cause I don’t think I could handle that healing/recovery
process at the moment.
