Appreciation

I've been documenting my life on paper for years. I remember when I was younger I'd like to journal, I could never keep up with it though. But I did it, because I knew it was important for me to get my feelings out instead of keeping them bottled in.

I have two journals, a prayer journal and an everyday journal. I haven't written in my prayer journal for years, since 2009. I decided that I would write in my prayer journal tonight.

I like to write out my prayers, instead of just saying them out loud or to God. I like seeing my words come to life in physical form, I feel like they receive more power that way.

After writing in my prayer journal, I flipped through different pages; I wanted to see what I prayed for so many years ago and how God had answered.

I wrote a prayer on May 3, 2009 that made my breath catch and almost made me cry. I prayed that the Lord would allow me to die. I asked God why He wouldn't let me die and I begged Him to let me go.

I know I was lost back then. I know that I was confused, I was hurting and I was in paralyzing pain. But, to see that I had actually written that - is too much for me to handle.

How could I ask to be taken out of God's protecting hand? How could I ask God to leave me? To forsake me. I begged Him, I cried out to Him, to take my life.

Thank you Lord, thank you for not answering my prayer.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Thank you for not taking me out of your hand.

Thank you, for not forsaking me.

Thank you.