Sing to Me

Music is a huge passion of mine. I think that’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone I meet and talk to for about 5 minutes, cause I always somehow bring it up. I can’t help it, I love sharing music as much as I love listening to it.

I receive so much healing, peace and comfort from music; I can’t help but share.

I started to really get into music when I was about 14, I want to say. Shortly after that, like most teenagers, I started to day-dream and fantasize about the ‘Rock Star life’. Of course I had dreams of being a rising star, being in a world-famous band and touring all over the world. But I also fantasized about being in relationships with my favorite musicians and touring with their band and being the ‘supportive girlfriend’.

I want to be part of music so bad, but all of my attempts at learning instruments seem to end badly. And I have a fear of singing out loud, especially when others are around.

I’m super self-conscience, in general really – about everything, about my singing ability.

When my step-mom was alive and her two sons were living with us, I would sit in my room on my laptop listening to music and sing my heart out. I would leave my bedroom door open, but I learned quickly that closing it was better – for many reasons.

I remember, so clearly, one day I was sitting on my bed singing along to a song and my step-mom’s youngest son telling me stop singing. To shut up, I was hurting his ears.

“Stop Stella! Stop singing! You’re awful. Just stop! STOP SINGING!!”

To this day, I can hear his voice echoing in my mind and I can see him walk pass my door covering his ears with his hands. He wasn’t the only one who told me to stop singing, so did my step-mom. They said a lot of other things about my singing. After that was when my self-consciousness of singing really started.

I do still sing when I’m all alone. And I do sing out loud when it’s just my dad or grandpa in the house – I don’t sing as loudly as I use to. It’s more of a whisper really…

However, one place I never hold myself back from singing is in worship. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I never hold back when I’m worshiping my Lord. I love to worship God. I love worshiping Him. And I know He doesn’t care that I can’t sing. I know He doesn’t mind if I’m not on pitch or that I can’t keep a tune. It’s so freeing.

I’ve been going to this recovery group for a couple of months now and I finally motivated/encouraged myself to go to Sunday service this morning. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable going to new churches. Luckily a couple of people from my group were at the service I went to.

The new friend that I’m making in group sat next to me during the service and after the service they turned to me and said that I had a great singing voice. It made me really uncomfortable. I played it off. Then the worship-leader’s husband introduced himself to me, and he said the same thing. Again, it made really self-conscience. Then the pastor came to chat with me, and my friend trying to be helpful mentioned my singing and the CD I had given them – and then the pastor suggested I talk to the worship leader. By the end of the day, I had four people saying that I had a good voice and three were pushing me to join the worship team.

I can’t sing; I know that. I knew this before the traumatizing incident. But to have all these people who don’t know me and who’ve only heard me sing once, say these things about my singing ability and how I should be on the worship team… It scares me.

I don’t know what God’s trying to do. But I really hope it doesn’t involve me singing, cause I don’t think I could handle that healing/recovery process at the moment.