Voices in my head

Once a month my brother comes into town on the train, I pick him up at the station and I drive him around town running his errands.

I've been doing this for about half a year now. My brother and I don't get along. We have very different personalities, morals and world views. But we've learned to co-exist with each other.

We're half siblings, from my father. My brother and I are alike by our facial features and our temperaments, but everything else is different. He's picked up something's from dad, and I've picked up other things.

My dad is always organized and prepared. One of the things I've picked up. So today when my brother needed to be cleaned up, he had nothing with him. But I did. I had a handkerchief and a bottle of water. I pulled out my handkerchief and flopped it towards him (just how my dad would have done it) and told him where to find the water (instructed him just like dad). I laughed to myself internally.

Dad would have been proud.

"You see that! At least I raised one of you right!"

Bor-ee-to

Languages

Let's Get Physical

It will be Okay

The last few years have been hard on me in many ways, but one key issue that continues to make me doubt and have fear - is finances.

When I first started to “live my own life,” I relied heavily on a family that was helping me get on my own feet. Before them, I relied heavily on my dad for everything I needed. After I was able to (semi) provide for myself, I was able to not rely as much on the family or on my dad. However, things happen and I end up having to rely/ask for help.

One person, that is always there for me, and I know will always be there for me – is my dad. This past summer I borrowed money from my dad. He told me that he wanted the money by Christmas. At the time, I had no doubt in my mind that I would be able to pay him back. But, as life goes my circumstances changed and it became less and less of a reality that I would be able to pay him back.

The last few weeks, I’ve been getting more hours and working extra shifts. I’ve been trying to get extra money anywhere I can. When I received my check this past week, I was extremely blessed to find that I was given enough money to pay back my dad.

I came home after depositing the check and went to my file folder to grab my checkbook but couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere in the file folder. I than started to look throughout my room, but still couldn’t find it. Through this whole situation, I continued to tell myself that it would be fine and that my checkbook was somewhere in my room.

However, I couldn’t help but to feel as if everything was against me to pay my dad back. I try so hard to make him proud of me. I try so hard to do things that he would approve of. I don’t like when I disappoint him.

While in a high emotional panic of looking for my checkbook, I stopped and prayed that I would be able to find my checkbook to pay my dad back. I than cleaned up my room, while looking for the checkbook, and once again looked through my file folder. And right where it always is, I found my book.

I took the checkbook out of the file, wrote my check and placed the checkbook back. I than drove to the post office and mailed the package, along with the check, that I had for my dad for Christmas.

I got a call from my dad today saying he received the package.

“Thank you for the card, and the check. I had completely forgotten about the money. Thank you for keeping your word… I’m proud of you. At least I know you got one thing from me. My word.”

My dad always jokes that I’m my mother’s daughter. He also says that he’s very glad that I got most of her traits, morals and principles. He always says that he’s happy I’m more like her, than like him. To hear my dad say that he’s proud of me and that he’s glad that I got a trait from him – makes me happier than I can express.

I don’t get my dad’s verbal approval often, but to know that he recognizes the attempts I’m making gives me hope that one day everything will be okay.

CAH-CHING!

Conversations with my dad aren’t always enjoyable. I have a lot of bills that my dad is helping in paying for me. And at moments my dad likes to “remind” me of how much he cares for me by helping me out.

So when my dad mentioned to me that he could get me health insurance with his work I told him no ‘thank you’ cause I couldn’t afford it. My dad immediately goes into his rehearsed speech and run down of my debit he’s paying. I tell him thank you and how much it means to me.

I also mentioned to him that I am trying my hardest to help out, he pauses and asks how. I tell him that I’ve been paying a credit card bill.

There’s dead silence over the phone for a good 10 seconds before he responds: “So that’s where the money is coming from!” He laughs loudly as he gets excited. “You’re the one that’s been putting money into that account? Really?!”

Apparently he’d noticed payments had been made, but didn’t know where they were coming from. I can hear the excitement, joy and pride in his voice. He was over whelmed and moved that I was helping.

He’s in complete shock for the rest of the conversation and continues to ask me if what I told him was the truth. I smile and giggle as I tell him ‘yes.’

My dad can’t always see the progress I’m making on my own, thousands of miles away. But he can track my paper trail. And when there’s less and less showing up, I know he’s impressed.

My dad won’t always say it, but I know he’s proud of me. The proof is in his voice.