Honesty

To some, I have weird boundaries and expectations for relationships. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in relationships, which in return have made me harden to make new ones. I admit it; I’m hard to get close to. I’ll only let you in so far, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. But, once I do let you in, I let you see everything – and sometimes that’s too much.

I only run on extremes, extreme up or extreme down. I’m aware that my extremes give whip-lash and frost-burn. It’s a quirk of my personality. And honestly, I feel if someone can’t accept that or go with the flow of it, then I don’t want them in my life.

Which leads me, to my first limitation/boundary for relationships: If you don’t care about me, then I won’t care about you. Harsh and probably cruel, but it’s how I feel.

We learn how to work with and in relationships by our family. They’re the first relationship in our lives that we’re exposed to. And in my family, in my own personal experience, I’ve learned that you can’t always trust what people say or even their actions.

I hate fakeness; I wish people would just come out and tell me the truth. Sure, it will hurt my emotions and cause me to dwell on the past conversation. But I would rather know everything then to know parts of a blemished puzzle.

My second limitation/boundary for relationships: Don’t tell me or say things to me that you don’t mean. Don’t tell me that you’re going to meet me somewhere, when you have no intentions of being there. Don’t tell me that you’re worried about me, when your actions don’t depict that. Don’t tell me that you care for me or love me, when you don’t.

To some, these two boundaries seem odd and unnecessary. But to me, they’re essential.

This past week I’ve had two relationship issues that have triggered me, and they both came back to these two core boundaries.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you only contact me when you need something. Don’t tell me that you care and worry about me, when you don’t ask important questions about my wellbeing. Don’t tell me that ‘you will love me’, because I don’t need it. I don’t need your love.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you call me selfish and crazy. Don’t say that you care for me, when I share something honest and vulnerable with you and you act like your world is falling apart. Don’t say you love me, when you know nothing about me.

I don’t need your love. And I don’t need to be pacified.

Voices in my head

Once a month my brother comes into town on the train, I pick him up at the station and I drive him around town running his errands.

I've been doing this for about half a year now. My brother and I don't get along. We have very different personalities, morals and world views. But we've learned to co-exist with each other.

We're half siblings, from my father. My brother and I are alike by our facial features and our temperaments, but everything else is different. He's picked up something's from dad, and I've picked up other things.

My dad is always organized and prepared. One of the things I've picked up. So today when my brother needed to be cleaned up, he had nothing with him. But I did. I had a handkerchief and a bottle of water. I pulled out my handkerchief and flopped it towards him (just how my dad would have done it) and told him where to find the water (instructed him just like dad). I laughed to myself internally.

Dad would have been proud.

"You see that! At least I raised one of you right!"

Population -- Me

I’m becoming obsessed with Matthew West. I never realized before how much I really like his music.

One of the songs that God has really placed on my heart is ‘My Own Little World’. The song talks about how we sometimes because so ‘me’ focused that we forget that there are other people in the world. We only see ‘our’ would, ‘our’ life and we don’t realize that there are people that need our help and attention.

The music video shows a man who gets up, goes to work and has a daily routine. One day he sees a homeless widow standing on the corner and he realizes that she is a human. A living, breathing human who needs his help. So he helps her out and then the music video shows how he can help all these other people.

My favorite lyric is the line: “And my own little world reached population two”.

By taking just one moment, one moment of looking up from ourselves we can bring someone else into our lives and we can influence them.

The music video shows a homeless woman, a stranded mother with a child, a man who lost his job, a veteran with a broken vehicle, and a women crying on a bench.

Now, all these examples are great and we need to remember to help people in distress. But the group of people that the Lord placed on my heart was my father’s family.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned on this blog how I don’t get along with my father’s family. When I think of my “family” I think of my mother’s family and the people in Texas; the family I created for myself.

I purposely go out of my way to make sure that my dad’s side of the family is left out of the loop when it comes to the details of my life. I hardly communicate with any of them and when we have family-get-together’s I make sure to keep them at arm’s length. I try to avoid them at all costs.

Now, I know this isn’t very nice or very ‘Christ’-like. I know I shouldn’t have this much resentment towards them. And my reasoning is that I don’t want their lifestyle or principles to influence me. But God is starting to show me that I need to let them into ‘my own little world’. And just because they’ll be in ‘my own little world’ doesn’t mean that they’ll influence me - I could influence them.

My uncle passed today, my dad’s brother. He and I didn’t see eye-to-eye and honestly I couldn’t stand him. He wasn’t a very nice person to my father and me. But, he was a human. He was created and loved by God. My Almighty God.

I realize that I respect him more as a human-being now that he’s dead then when he was alive. And I know that’s not right.

God is starting to show me that I can, not like people. But by me not liking them, that doesn’t mean that I can despise them or even hate them. We’re all humans. We’re all created by God. We’re all His children.

If God loves me, His child, then that means that He loves them too, His other children. I don’t have to give them control or influence in my life, but I do need to validate them as His children. And even though they might not respect me as a human-being, I need to try to respect them as one.

‘Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me’

Ripple Effect

Happy Easter Sunday!
It’s good to be back home for a holiday. I’ve missed so many holiday’s, birthdays, and events being gone for the last four years. It feels nice to celebrate with people I love and care about. The last time I was home for a holiday, a couple of years ago, it was hard to come back to my dad’s house to celebrate.

At the time memories of my past still haunted me, I would walk the hall and I felt like I was getting attacked. I had to face my past. I had to hit it head on. I had to confront my guilt, shame, regret, and fear. It was very hard for me, but I did it and I felt peace. With returning home I didn’t know how I would feel, I didn’t know if I would still feel that peace. Luckily, I still do. The memories of the house no longer haunt me. I am now able to rest and reminisce about the joy and life of the house and my memories instead of the pain and death.

A few miles away from the house is this small church, my mom’s church. I’ve had three main churches’ influence my life, this is one of them. My mom went to this church for years. She loved this church and was involved with so much. After my mom passed, my dad and I stopped going regularly. We still go to the church, to this day, just occasionally.

So with today being Easter Sunday and not having visited the church in years, I decided I would go. I saw some familiar faces and tons of new ones. But there were a few that caught me off guard - my second cousin, his wife and their family. A while after I arrived at the church, my first cousin (father of the second cousin) arrived with his family. I was so happy to see so much of my family together at church.

Once family started moving closer to where we lived, my mom started inviting them to our church. One by one different family members would come to visit and slowly ‘mom’s church’ also became their church. It overfilled my heart with joy to see so much of my family at church today. Because of my mom and her need to have a ‘home’ church and be involved in ministry, a part of our family is still there.

I think that’s what I needed most. To see that yes things have changed, but there are still remnants of the past. How the heart, love and actions of one person can affect so many others. I saw the ripple effect that my mom had created in action and it bright pride to my heart and a smile to my lips.

Merry Christmas

This is my first Christmas, where I’ve been away from family. I’ve always celebrated this holiday with one form of a family. It’s been a very hard and difficult day. And, the fact that I feel alone on this special day isn’t helping very much.

I know this holiday is one that is supposed to be filled with remembrance of our saviors’ birth. Yes, I am very thankful that Jesus chose to come to earth as a human child and then chose to die for me so I wouldn’t have to – die.

However, the holiday is also supposed to be a holiday where we spend time with family and reflect on our love for one another. At least, that’s what I believe this holiday is supposed to be. I believe that Christmas has a double meaning; a day for remembrance of our savior and for reflection of our family.

And even though I can celebrate and remember my saviors’ birth on my own (and with God), I can’t have the love and care of my family on my own. I guess that’s what I’m missing the most this holiday- feeling the love of my family.

I know my Lord loves me. I’ve finally learned that. However, sometimes I can’t or don’t believe that others can or do love me. Holidays filled with close friends and family help to instill that in me.

Being unable to have a “normal” holiday this past year has really been taking its toll on me.

I can’t wait to be with my family again. I really miss them.