Soft Whispers

I've been depressed for a little over a week now. A semi- permanent state. I've come into the sun a few times, but I've mostly been in the dark.

It's not as deep as I've once been. It's pretty shallow, but I'm still under all the dirt and mud. It's in the back of my mind. Not always interfering, but making its presence known.

And the worse part about it, I'm not fighting it. I'm just letting it soothe me. Listening to its soft whispers. Welcoming it like an old friend.

I don't feel like fighting anymore.

No, I'm not alright.

You Can't Run When You're Holding Suitcases

This song sends me mixed signals, which makes me love and hate it.

“You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid”

I am always envisioning myself running away. I see myself running away from my family issues, my mental & emotional state, my financial hardships and my life in general. In these fantasies, I see myself with bags in my hands, throwing them into Thomas and driving away into the sun-set, blasting TFK.

“Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run”

On days that I love this song, it encourages me to leave my problems behind me and to hold my head up high and face the world with determination. On days that I hate this song, it torments me with the realization that I need to leave my problems at God’s alter and allow Him to take my problems and heal my ravaged heart.

“Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?

Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh

Abandon your troubles by the side of the street

Just let them go now, believe me”

However it doesn’t matter what day it is when I’m listening to this song, it always makes me dance and smile. Because I know when I do abandon my hurts and pains, I’ll be happy and free. 

And who doesn’t want that? 

Song: "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean

Suitcases

"Suitcases"

By Dara Maclean

How can you move when they're weighing you down?
What can you do when you're tied to the ground, yeah?
You carry your burdens heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there's freedom in release

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?
Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh
Abandon your troubles by the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run

Oh, you can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be, you don't have to be afraid
You don't have to be afraid

Voices in my head

Once a month my brother comes into town on the train, I pick him up at the station and I drive him around town running his errands.

I've been doing this for about half a year now. My brother and I don't get along. We have very different personalities, morals and world views. But we've learned to co-exist with each other.

We're half siblings, from my father. My brother and I are alike by our facial features and our temperaments, but everything else is different. He's picked up something's from dad, and I've picked up other things.

My dad is always organized and prepared. One of the things I've picked up. So today when my brother needed to be cleaned up, he had nothing with him. But I did. I had a handkerchief and a bottle of water. I pulled out my handkerchief and flopped it towards him (just how my dad would have done it) and told him where to find the water (instructed him just like dad). I laughed to myself internally.

Dad would have been proud.

"You see that! At least I raised one of you right!"

God Made Me

I was asked a question yesterday that really got me thinking. The question was: "What do you do that makes you stand out? What makes you different?"

I thought about the question for a few seconds, and my first response was nothing. Nothing makes me stand out. And I almost spoke the words aloud, making them true. But, I bit my tongue and really thought.

A friend of mine always says that I amaze her, that I encourage her and my fighting spirit gives her strength.

"Whenever I fall down, I always get up." The words just flowed out of my mouth.

"And why do you always get up? What motivates you to get up?"

"Because I know that God will always be there for me. To help me up." Again, the words just flowed.

I doubt myself all the time. And honestly, I think very low of myself; of my strength, courage and relationship with God. I see myself as never being able to reach satisfactory.

People tell me that I’m kind, sweet and caring; that I’m genuine and honest. But all I hear is that I’m full of anger, hate and bitterness; that I’m a horrible person and worthless.

So when people say positive things about me, it throws me off. I don't understand why or how people can see me in that way.

Then in a loving whisper God reminds me that I am those things. The positive ones. God made me that way. He made me to be my flamboyant, loving, mischievous self. Even if I can’t see it myself, others see it, because it’s who I am.

It’s the way God made me.

It’s my light.

1 Peter 2:24

Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." – Psalm 139:14

I'm A Christian

I went to the market today, and while I was pushing my basket around I accidentally hit an older women’s basket.

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to hit you.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I forgive you. I’m a Christian, that’s what we’re supposed to do. Forgive.”

She said this with no hesitation. It just flowed from her mouth. She said it with such humility. After our interaction, I continued on with my shopping, but at one point I had to stop and really process what just happened. It took me back for a few minutes. Her simple words convicted me, instantly.

‘I’m a Christian’; she said it without even thinking. Nothing (really) prompt it. She didn’t try to “preach” at me or “save” me. She didn’t expect anything from me.

I’m a Christian. And I believe her.

I hope to one day get to the point of where she is. To be so open, free and god-fearing that I proclaim my salvation and deliverance without even blinking.

5 Minutes At a Time

"5 Minutes At a Time"

by Superchick

Life is hard, but it's been a little harder than usual lately
I wish I knew why I am struggling through this
What makes it harder is the lack of understanding on my part
Could I have changed this, why am I fighting life so hard?

How long can I survive this? I'm losing the strength to try
Tell me how am I supposed to live through this? How do we get by?

We take one breath and let it out
We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine
We take life 5 minutes at a time

Life is hard - it didn't turn out like I hoped it would be
And I don't dare to dream if dreaming leads to this
'Cause when it's left to me, it's hard to see past the sky becoming dark
If it makes no difference, why am I trying to do my part?

I've climbed back from that fall again it feels like a hundred times
How do I believe in a hundred and one when we stumbled the ninety-nine?

To go on living when all you've lived for is gone
To find faith when everything you know about life might be wrong
To find hope in the dark, to still believe there's a dawn
This is the courage to make a life, it is the strength to go on

Crush the Idols

I discovered this song a few weeks ago, and my soul fell in love with it. Yes, my soul. This song convicted me to my inner being. It convicted me, but also lifted me up at the same time.

I'm one of those people who critic every sound they hear. I don't do this out-loud (of course), but I do it in my head - all the time.

I am CONSTANTLY having to check myself when I'm in church and the worship team is on stage.

I love my church, everyone is so friendly, loving, caring and helpful. It really is one big family. And I get so much from the pastor's. I've also been growing a lot in my walk with God and in my knowledge of the Bible. It's been a good growing/stretching season for me... In more then one way.

I love my church, but the worship team(s) - aren't my cup of tea. There are two 'teams'. One team is an older couple that play very contemporary and somewhat dated music. They sing a lot of hymns (my nemesis), and use mainly a guitar and a piano. The second team is lead by a younger women. She sings a lot of modern songs and uses a lot of tracks (there's no one that plays an instrument on her team). However, she doesn't have knowledge of how to rearrange a song or conduct singers, so they're usually all over the place.

I find myself constantly having to check my heart and remind myself that I'm supposed to be focusing on God (not on the singing) and that I'm supposed to be worshiping (I'm not at a concert). I struggle a lot of the time focusing on the "right" things and this hinders me from truly worshiping the Lord and entering into His presence.

I've been trying really hard to overcome this, because I know it's not right. And I know I shouldn't have such a silly thing influence the way I interact with my Lord. But, it's really hard for me.

So when I heard this song, MAN, it broke me. It cut me to my core. But, it also encouraged me.

I realized that it's okay that I want to listen to "professional" worship music. I realized that this was becoming an issue for me, so I started to take the right moves to adjust my heart, soul and spirit. I'm on the right track. As long as I keep crushing the idol of music and continue to put God first, then I'm okay.

I'm okay. 

Song: "Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham

Clear the Stage

"Clear the Stage"

by Jimmy Needham

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols


Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too 

Until the congregations few, then have revival


Tell your friends that this is where the party ends 

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social


Then seek the Lord and wait for what He has in store 

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful



'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong;
worship is more than a song



Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper


Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister


Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open


Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken


'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song


We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the One who deserves it



Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart, is an idol
Anything can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol

'Cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to
I can sing all I want to

And still get it wrong

And you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song
Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

bandages...