Sunday, April 7, 2013

Prologue

I love blogging.

I love writing.

It truly is my passion to combine words together that will prod out an emotional response from others. I hope that it will cause people to become active and change themselves into true and honest peace. I also hope, that with all my flaws, that I can show God’s glory and encourage someone to not give up on the race to godliness.

I have finally made the decision to go back to college. I will be going to a community college to get my general education, and then I hope to transfer to a university to get my degree in – you ready for it? Journalism.

I know, I know – ‘It took you how long to make that decision?

I’m slow; you all should know this by now.

To be honest, I always had dreams of writing and possibly selling a few things here and there. But I never really thought about making it my career. Last summer was when I first really started to pursue the thought of going back to school. At first, I thought of going into Business/Marketing. I did social media marketing for a few years, and I was pretty good at it.

However, Aunt Stella had other thoughts. “Marketing? No, you need to go into Journalism.” She said it so nonchalant. It was a no-brainer what I should go to school for. And yet, it honestly never crossed my mind.

Now, a year later, I am finally going back to school - and Aunt Stella was right. She always is.

It’s funny. You know as a kid you’re always asked what you want to be when ‘you grow up.’ My response for the longest time was a veterinarian.

But before that, an artist and a writer. Even at a very young age I had a passion to write and to create. After all these years, I’m finally taking the steps to achieve my childhood fantasy. And one day I will achieve it, I will be a ‘writer.’

At least I’m going to give it my best shot.

And if I don’t succeed.

I’ll blame Aunt Stella. Ha ha.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Matthew Warren


“According to the Orange County Register and media reports, Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren released a statement to church members informing them that the youngest of his three children, Matthew Warren, 27, died on Friday—apparently due to suicide. Official sources indicate a self-inflicted gunshot wound Friday morning was the cause of death.”

I’ve been staring at this article for hours, reading it over and over, and I have no idea how to express how I feel.

I feel so sad that a young life was taken. It breaks my heart that one of God’s children took his own life.

I know how it is to feel overwhelmed with all the emotions running around in your head. I know how much pain comes from drowning in your own depression. I know the wanting to leave all your hurt and pain behind so that you can just breathe. And I know how it feels to wish that you were dead instead of alive.

And I know how hard and conflicting it is to know the Truth, to know God and yet still feel so alone, lost and confused. It’s hard to be a Christian dealing with depression and have thoughts of suicide. It’s so hard to be active in a church and do ‘God’s work’ when you feel like the pain will never leave you. When the enemy just want let you go. And no matter how hard you fight and claw your way up, you feel like you never get to the Light.

My heart breaks for Matthew and the Warren family. And my prayers are with them.

I empathize with Matthew. I know his pain and his longing to be free. I know these feeling oh so well.

And I thank God that I was able to overcome these thoughts, feelings and desires. I thank God with every fiber that I am that my suicide attempts didn’t work. My soul praises God endlessly that He set it free.

I feel horrible that Matthew couldn’t find the peace that I have been able to find. It hurts me, that Matthew couldn’t battle the enemy any longer.

Through Matthew’s death, it encourages me to continue to move forward. I will live, even more, for him.

The enemy will not win.
Love, will save the day.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Finding Me

There are so many blogs I’ve been finding lately on my computer that I never posted. Blogs from when I was in the HA, blogs from right after I left the HA, and blogs from last summer. I’m slowly sorting through them all.

And instead of posting them as ‘current time’ blogs, I’ve decided I’m going to post them ‘back in time’.  To better fit in with ‘my story’.

It’s so weird to read over some of these blogs. I was going through so much. I was so lost and confused in my mind. I can hardly remember how some of these emotions felt. I don’t know if it’s because God healed me and took away the pain, or I’m that absent-minded…

We’ll go with the God one, cause I’m totally not forgetful or a procrastinator…

So here’s a list of blogs from the past that have come to the present: