Triggering Thoughts

I find myself on a daily basis fighting back regretful memories, who've found their way to the forefront of my consciousness. But the last few days, I feel like I've been spending half my day replaying the regrets of my life. I literally had to yell at myself, out loud, this afternoon to stop.
I've caught myself placing my finger nails to my skin to scratch deeply. I've been able to stop myself right before I do it.

I've also caught myself placing the side of my hand against my forearm; then moving down quickly in a cutting motion.

It's crazy what our bodies can do without us noticing it. Involuntary spasms, that we've picked up, that come out at the oddest moments.

I'm edgy, the littlest things are triggering me. They're not sending me off the edge, but they're causing me to act out.

My body is reacting in self-destructive ways to the emotional stress, without my knowledge.
It's rather scary.

I've also been chanting "I want to die" or "I want to kill myself" more the past few days. Is it odd that on a 'normal' day, I say these phrases at least twice a day?

Overcoming and recovering from self-destructive patterns and depression is a hard and long path. It can be overwhelming and all consuming. You can run yourself in circles and into the ground, trying to keep your head above water.

At moments it's terrifying and unsatisfying. And it's so easy to give up; to call 'mercy' and to lie in the dirt.