After Care

After my first hospitalization I was sent to an outpatient group. One of the projects that you were required to do was to make a bored explaining who you were.

Some of the points you had to hit on were:
~friends
~family
~how you saw yourself
~how you wanted to improve
~and how you saw a “high power”


I broke my board into three pieces: Stella (bottom right), Star (upper left) and Stella Star (center). At this point in my life, I saw myself as three separate people. Stella was the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be. Star was the inner crazy-psychotic girl hiding in the closet. And Stella Star was who I wanted to be, a mixture and combination of the two.

Being true to myself, the board is full of mixed media (ribbon, pictures, clippings, songs, poems, etc). Clippings from Ignite Your Faith Magazine (no-longer published) is used greatly; this magazine meant a lot to me – so it was important that it made the board. Another important item that made the board was my mother’s memory flier handed out at her funeral (in the Stella section).

Looking at the board now I realize that in some aspects I’m still the same, but I have changed greatly. It’s amazing to see how much I’ve changed in four years. This board still means a lot to me, it was who I was and how I felt at that time. It’s a part of my history and I hope to never forget it.


Focusing on the "Star" section.

This section of the board was made black, to represent how I felt – lost, alone and in the dark. This section also has my “glass.” It’s the analogy of the glass half empty or full. I had the glass half full and then wrote words around it of what I wanted to fill it with. Things I wanted to do with my life to make it more full and joyful.


Focusing on the “Stella” section.

This section of the board was made pink, to represent joy and happiness – something I wasn’t feeling. By the way, I hate pink. This section of the board represented what I thought everyone wanted me to be. What I thought was expected of me. What I thought I had to be. But because I couldn’t be it, I pretended a lot. I tried my hardest to place this façade up of what “Stella” should be.


Focusing on the “Stella Star” section.

This section of the board was made purple, to represent my favorite color – to represent the real me. This section of the board holds a lot of my core being: music, art, writing, God and friends/family. This board also holds my “Todd corner.” Todd Hertz was a very influential tool in my life that the Lord used. Todd was the first person I opened up to and was my main mentor in my life for many years. In the middle of this section, is a printed out copy of the lyrics to “Wishes and Dreams” by Stellar Kart. A song that I still aspire to have a romance of.


To view more pictures of my After Care board you can go here.

Don't Run!

I'm having mixed feelings of being home. My mom's faint memory is still vivid. The hurt of when she left. The confusion of Linda. The half-fast-ness of my uncle. And my constant popping in and out of reality. 

Coming home is always hard. It's a bittersweet moment. I love being with friends and family. But the tormenting memories make me numb. 

Why does life have to be so hard? 

Being in Texas, everything that hurt me seems like a bad dream. Like it wasn't real. Like it didn't happen. But being home. Sitting in my room. Walking the halls. Everything floods back. It seems like it just happened. 

The yelling. The screaming. The hitting. The cursing. Ducking. Running. Hiding in my room for safety. Waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I could go to the restroom or get food. 

Everything is screaming at me in my face. And I'm left with the decision of letting it consume me like always or standing strong and fighting it. 


I think I'm strong enough now - to at least try...

Merry Christmas

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Forsaken Fighter

During my undergrad year at Teen Mania, I found myself sitting in a field of grass, lying on a blanket, reading my Bible, praying and journaling. There I was, in the middle of God's creation and I doubted myself.

I doubted my life, my decisions. I was feeling remorse, shame and guilt. I was at a very low point. And then, God spoke to my heart. And He said, "Don't worry Fighter. Everything will be okay." And at that point, the Lord began to speak to me about how He created me to fight. My spirit is strong and fierce, I was created to fight, to war, and to win. It’s who I am.

At that point I began to write the word "Fighter" on my wrist. It was a daily reminder that that was who I was. That was what I was created to be and to do.

Fight.

Later in the year, I found myself struggling again. This time I felt as if the Lord had left me. That He just went away and I couldn't find Him. I felt lost, abandon and forsaken. After a long season of continual turmoil the Lord revealed to me, that I had turned away from Him. I had abandoned Him. I had Forsaken Him.

After this realization I learned as much as I could about abandonment and being Forsaken. I then began to write the word "Forsaken" on my wrist. To remind myself that I never want to forsake the Lord again and to pray for those you feel forsaken or have been.

Near the end of my time at Teen Mania, I was having a quiet time where I was journaling asking the Lord what I should do. I looked at my wrist and saw Forsaken. My heart ached. My heart was yearning to help those who were hurting and lost.

Then the Lord said "Fighter." I was confused at first and the Lord said it again, "Fighter, put it together." So, I pulled out my Sharpie, extended the 'F' and wrote 'ighter.'

Forsaken Fighter. It was as if God and I said it at the same time. I stared at my wrist and what I had just written. I was in shock. I sat in my chair stunned.

Then the Lord very slowly started to reveal to me that He was calling me to Fight for the Forsaken. I am called to stand up for those who have been 'demeaned' useless, worthless, and unimportant. I am to help in fighting for those that the world has forsaken. I was created to fight for these people who have been hurt, wounded and forsaken by the world. I will love these people. I will comfort them. And I will help them.

But, I'm not only a fighter for the forsaken; I was also a fighter who was forsaken. I was demeaned a lost cause. I was told that I was un-helpable. I was beaten, abused, and almost destroyed. But because of the Fighter spirit in me - I lived.

Once I absorbed as much of this as I could, in one sitting, I stared at my wrist. Could I really do and be what God just revealed to me? Could I really fight and help those that have been thrown away and hurt? Could I, actually be - a Forsaken Fighter?

After this little quiet time, I began to write Forsaken Fighter on my wrist. To remind myself of whom I am. And what I hope to become.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

For my 23rd birthday, I tattooed Forsaken Fighter onto my wrist. It's a permanent reminder of who I am and what I want to become.

It's also a proclamation to God and against the enemy.

The 23rd Year

Here we are again. Another year has passed, and I’m still in awe of how great, mighty and merciful our God is.

I am 23 years old. I have lived on this earth for 23 years.

That thought - just blows my mind. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that I am “alive.” I am alive, breathing, walking, talking, and thinking. I am living!

I’m not dead. I’m not buried under the ground. I’m not another statistic. But I am living and growing and moving forward. I am ALIVE.

Every time the eighth of December passes on the calendar, I am brought to a standstill. Life moves so quickly sometimes. Life just races on by and sometimes we forget to stop and thank God. But every time December eighth comes around I fall to my knees in praise to the Lord.

I can’t explain how much my birthday means to me. I can’t form words of how thankful I am that I was born and that I’m still living. In my life, I’ve come to realize that life is a vapor. You can blink and it’s gone. Life is so precious. And at one point, it was so worthless to me. I would have and I almost did give everything to end it all. I almost passed up my life, my future and my destiny.

I never understood why I didn’t die, why all my attempts failed. And even now, I don’t know how I survived. But now, I am thankful that I did. God saved me, and even though I still don’t know why, at least now I’m moving in His plan instead of against it.

I am 23 years old.
I AM 23 YEARS OLD!

Thank you God.


Thank you.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

It’s TIME.

This past year, has been very interesting. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I've learned so much, grown so much, and matured so much. I feel like I'm getting "there." Like I'm finally semi becoming an adult.

I'm at a place in my life, where I feel semi stable. For the last few years I've just floated. I've bounced from one place to another, to another. Trying to find my nitch, trying to find where I belong.

I've come to the conclusion that a location doesn't matter. That it’s who I’m around and what I’m doing. A location, a job, a house, an economical status doesn’t make me who I am. I do, God does, and my testimony, faith and courage make me who I am. Sure, having a place to live is nice. Having a reliable car is good. And not worrying about bills is awesome. But they’re not important. Doing and being where God wants me to be is all that matters.

So, in taking another step (leap) in faith I’m moving to Colorado Springs, CO in the beginning of the New Year (2011). I know - how many moves can I make in one year? I don’t even want to attempt to count. This new move, by far, is the biggest and riskiest one I’m going to have made in the last two years.

In the last two years that I’ve lived in Texas I found my family (the Woolfords’), found my spiritual parents (the Moyers’), found my ‘mom’ (Elizabeth), found my lifelong friends (the Mullins’ and the Charles’), and most importantly – I found myself.

I’ve discovered that I’m strong, brave, stubborn, timid, creative, beautiful and independent. I’ve discovered who I am in Christ.

These last two years have been hard, nerve racking, heart breaking, relieving, strengthening, tough and freeing. Texas has been a safe haven. I place where I could be protected, watched and mended. These last two years were for me to find my footing and stand on my own two feet.

And now that I’m wobbly standing, it’s time for me to walk forward.

I knew this season was coming to an end. I felt in my spirit that it was coming to the point where it was time for me to leave. And now that this time has come, it’s a bittersweet moment for me. I will miss my life here in Texas. But I know it’s time to walk in my freedom and become equipped to fight for my God.

This is a defining moment for me, I know it, and I’m praying that I will act in the proper way. It’s time for me to start my ministry. It’s time for me to help others. It’s time for me to proclaim what I believe. It’s time that I become dependent on God. And it’s time for me to stand up for myself.

It’s time.

Thomas and I are in the process of packing and adjusting to our new lives. And even though I’m scared, nervous and a tad bit skittish - I know God has my back.

GivesMeHope.com

True Love

Monies. Monies. Monies.

The last few weeks have been really tough. With so much uncertainty in my life I've been a little stressed. There's so much going on and it seems as if everything relies on money. 

I work at a coffee shop. It's a tiny little store that not too many people know about. We might not have herds of people a day, but we do have a good amount of faithful and regular customers. 

I've been working at the coffee shop since January and over the months I've become close to a few customers. 

It's always nice to have someone come in, shout your name and ask you how Thomas is doing (James and Nancy). To receive cards, scriptures and knick knack's. I feel loved and cared for when a customer comes in just to talk to me cause they had a few free minutes. 

And it means the world to me when these same customers worry about my well being. When Marty was having issues, customers gave me numbers to mechanics (a customer continually fixed Marty). When I've had to find new places to live, customers have brought in numbers and ad's they've found. When I was looking for Thomas, I had customers giving me tips what to look for. When I'm down and loosing hope, customers pray for me on the spot. 

I love my customers. They're the reason why I'm still around. 

There's a couple that comes in the coffee shop almost everyday. I sit and talk with them. We have our own private inside jokes. We can almost read each offers thoughts. I truly love this couple. 

They came in one day and the wife demanded that I give her my purse. I looked at her suspiciously and asked why. She said: "Just give me the dang purse and don't ask me questions." I handed her my purse, she dug through the context and found my wallet. She opened it and pulled out large bills from her pocket. She placed them in my wallet and gave me back the purse. 

I stared at her in shock. "What are you doing?" I stared at the purse not sure if I dared to take it back. "It's for you. We decided that you need some savings." She smiled and refused to argue. 

A few days later another regular couple came in. The wife came to the register to order their drinks and hands me an envelope. I grab the envelope and ask her what's up? "I meet with a group of women from the community. Our goal is to help young women. Either through prayer, support or encouragement." She said with a smile. I open the envelope and inside is a very loving, caring and encouraging word. Along with some large and small bills. 

The way tips work at our shop is that they need to be placed in our hand.  I don't look at the tips when they're handed to me. I just take them and say thank you. At the end of the week I gather all my tips and deposit them into the bank. 

Yesterday, I got off work went to the bank and began to count my tips. I pull the tips of the day out of my pocket and unfold them. I see a bill twisted up with a 5 showing. I smile and get excited as I think that a customer gave me a 5 dollar bill for a tip! I unfold the tip to also see a 0. A customer had tipped me a 50 dollar bill and I hadn't even noticed!

I sit in Thomas, in front of the bank freaking out! 

In the last two weeks customers have blessed me with over $330 dollars. Just random gifts to show me that they love and care. Their way to show me. And Gods way to show me. 

God continues to see my needs, fears, and wanting.  
And He's still providing.
He hasn't left. 

CAH-CHING!

Conversations with my dad aren’t always enjoyable. I have a lot of bills that my dad is helping in paying for me. And at moments my dad likes to “remind” me of how much he cares for me by helping me out.

So when my dad mentioned to me that he could get me health insurance with his work I told him no ‘thank you’ cause I couldn’t afford it. My dad immediately goes into his rehearsed speech and run down of my debit he’s paying. I tell him thank you and how much it means to me.

I also mentioned to him that I am trying my hardest to help out, he pauses and asks how. I tell him that I’ve been paying a credit card bill.

There’s dead silence over the phone for a good 10 seconds before he responds: “So that’s where the money is coming from!” He laughs loudly as he gets excited. “You’re the one that’s been putting money into that account? Really?!”

Apparently he’d noticed payments had been made, but didn’t know where they were coming from. I can hear the excitement, joy and pride in his voice. He was over whelmed and moved that I was helping.

He’s in complete shock for the rest of the conversation and continues to ask me if what I told him was the truth. I smile and giggle as I tell him ‘yes.’

My dad can’t always see the progress I’m making on my own, thousands of miles away. But he can track my paper trail. And when there’s less and less showing up, I know he’s impressed.

My dad won’t always say it, but I know he’s proud of me. The proof is in his voice.

wash-wash

I’ve been trying to get myself on a regular schedule. Get certain tasks done on a certain day, get things paid by a certain date, budget my money, etc. I’m trying my hardest to get myself organized.

One of the tasks of my life I’m currently trying to get consistency in is laundry. I’ve been trying to figure out what day is a good day, what laundry mat to use, what time has the less amount of people, etc. Everything is about timing. Not to mention skill and a balancing act. It’s ridiculous how much stuff I take with me into a laundry mat.

Today I walked into the laundry mat in one trip, I was pretty impressed. I place all my belongings down, I place the clothes into the washer, put in my soap, and then I walk over to the coin exchange. I walk back look at machine and notice that the number on the screen shows ‘1,’ meaning I only need to put one quarter in. I blink, step back and look at the other machines, they’re all showing ‘10’ ($2.50 a wash). I look back at my machine question it and then place in one quarter, the screen begins to blink, I lock the door and hit start, and my clothes begin to spin.

I smile as I watch my clothes getting washed knowing that I was greatly blessed. That’s another $2.25 I can save for next week’s wash. I’ve been a little worried about money lately. Like I stated, I’m trying to get my life in order, so with that I’m trying to pay off my debt. So I don’t have a whole lot of money lying around.

I go and sit as I smile and laugh to myself knowing that God see’s me.
He see’s my efforts, my struggles and my need’s.
He sees me.
And He’s more than happy to help - just to see me smile.

Back Down. Don't You Back Down Baby Tonight!

One of my favorite bands at the moment is Philmont. I really love their music and their style. Their music brings me joy and encourages me a lot.

I’d been trying to get to one of their concerts since the beginning of the year, but one way or another, it just never worked out. I started working on a drawing of them. I wanted to give it to them if I ever did get to see them perform. After seven long months (and long breaks) I finally finished the drawing and finally found my way to one of their shows.

I’ll admit, I was obsessing over this drawing. I wanted to make sure I was drawing it to the best of my ability and that it looked just right before I gave it to them. I was so proud of the end product. But when it finally became the time to give it to them - I was nervous. What if they didn’t like it? What if they played it off as “sunshine and rainbows” but secretly cared less.

So here I find myself, in Bedford, TX in a church sanctuary a few feet away from their table and I can’t bring myself to go to them. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and move quickly. They’re all sitting in a corner, in a semi-circle, so I jump in the middle of the circle, hold my gift out and shout: “I have a present!” Ha ha, I have no idea what caused me to do this, but I did.

They all look at me, smile and jump to their feet. They grab the present and stare at it. The wrapping distracts them; they were impressed with my warping skills. After asking questions on what the envelope was covered in, they open it and pull off all the protective layers of foam and card board.

When the drawing is fully exposed in the open, there’s a pause for two seconds and then: “Hey! That’s the drawing from Facebook! You drew that?!” I was shocked, surprised and impressed that they had seen the picture I had posted. I was taken aback when they each started to state back details I had written on Facebook about the process of the drawing.

Britt, a girlfriend of one of the band members', said she saw the picture on my profile and looks at my art; she really likes my style. The band members also mentioned that they looked at my ‘step by step’ pictures of the drawing. I was touched. And I was honored when they placed the drawing on their merch table for everyone to see.

Over all, I was extremely blessed by their comments and their actions. I was extremely moved that they had taken the time to look at my art. They cared enough to look and read the random spurts of a spazzy young girl.

Thanks Philmont.

Bribe?

"You know Stella; I really like those rings of yours.” Ron says to me as we’re walking out of church. I know he means this sarcastically. “I like them so much that I want them. How much will you sell them to me for?”

I had gotten my lip pierced into a “snake bite” and everyone was giving me a hard time. I had wanted to pierce my lip for a while I’ve always loved the way snake bites looked. But, since living in East Texas I’ve learned what I think is “cool” isn’t always “proper” culturally. Consequently I’ve learned to tweak my appearance which has turned into this pretty cool mix-match eclectic style of color, shapes and layers. But, my snake bite was causing me to stick out more than usual.

With stares, glares and the occasional remarks of disgust I was getting use to people's disapproval. So when Ron genuinely and lovingly explained to me why he wanted me to take the rings out, it meant a lot to me. People made it clear that they didn't like the rings. But no one took the time to talk to me and ask me why.

Ron's words rang in my ear, "How much do you want for them?" The simple act touched my heart. Days went by and as I replayed the conversation in my head I was almost in tears. I didn’t understand why this meant so much to me. Why did it move me so? Why did this conversation affect my spirit?

Finally I asked myself why, and God answered. The reason Ron’s offer meant so much to me was because he was showing me true, healthy, godly, fatherly love.

The Lord showed me that that’s how much He loves me. And that He does the exact same thing. Whenever I give Him something, a part of me, and let Him in and willingly surrender my control. He comes and gives me something in return: freedom, healing and favor.

Once the Lord showed me this, I wept. The attention I’ve wanted and crave truly does come from the Lord. One silly, random and humorous comment from Ron has shaken my world completely.

So, I took the rings out and gave them to Ron – free of charge. I couldn’t bring myself to ask for anything in return when I had already received something more important. Love.

Reach.

Tan represents life.
Yellow represents a soul.
Red represents blood.
Black represents death.
Blue represents God.
Grey represents emptiness either physical or spiritual.

The half circle represents how freeing and open God is. The circles moves down representing how god reaches down to us. The circle in the middle represents how God needs to be the center of our lives. The tree to the left of the circle represents out growth in Christ.

The black squiggles represents how the enemy can engulf you, push you down and trap you in bondage. The fire represents our blood/lives and how living for the enemy or ourselves is useless works and in the end it burns. The yellow inside the fire represents souls lost in the lies of the enemy. And the grey on the outside of the fire represents confusion.

the Bridge

A canyon with a big break down the middle. Deep in the break are sharpened sticks and freezing water. If the fall won’t kill you the water will.

A bridge was built long ago but was man made and broke. A new bridge was made by God and is strong.

One side of the canyon is life, the other death.

To get to the other side you need to walk through the fire.

...grace

I’m starting over - again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? It would be different if this was the first time I had to deal with this issue. It would even be understandable if this was the second time. But after the fourth or fifth time, this is just plain stupidity.

So here I am, attempting to relearn this lesson again and I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, and overall – alone.

While looking at this issue, yet again, it’s really sinking in of how selfish I am. How self absorbed I am. How needy I am. How deceitful I am. And how much I need to let God take this away.

So, why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson?
Why is it hard for me to let this issue go?
Why can’t I let God in?

The funny thing is; I know the root to all these questions: I don’t want to let it go. I refuse to let it go. I want it. I will fight to keep it.

For some odd reason I still believe in the lie truth that this issue gives me value. That it will fulfill my needs. That it makes me special.

No matter how much my mind knows that all these statements are false, my heart still believes they’re true. Until I allow God to erase these lie truth’s from my heart I will continue to deal with this issue.

I know the solution seems simple: allow God to fix you. But lie truth’s are tricky. They install themselves into you so deep that you will run from anything that contradicts them.

Plus, there’s another lie truth that’s mixed into this beautiful web of displeasure: I cannot trust God. No matter how much my heart knows this is not true, my mind still believes it is.


So here I sit, typing in anguish and continue to relive this lesson… God give me grace.

Forsaken

"Forsaken"
By Skillet

I recall going madly in love with you
And I remember this
How could I forget?
Regret is a needle
In my neck
It's slowly filling me
With poison
Spreading to my chest

Take my pain and numb me from this

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

I recall pledging my sole devotion to you
It reminds me how
Now I'm on my knees
My guilt consumes
Lost the will in me
Wasting away before you
Hold me closer please

Take my pain and numb me from this

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

Yeah, yeah, yeah
You break me

Forsake
You break me [2x]

You're breaking me

I recall going madly in love with you
And I remember this... Tell me

Why do I have to beg
When all that's left
Is a memory
Forsaken [2x]

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Forsaken
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why, why, why, why

Angst

the Bridge

Harvert ALREADY!!

My ever changing life seems to be making yet another turn in a direction I couldn't see - in the dark. And now that I have my eyes slightly more focused I’m still just as confused and unsure.

I’m starting a new season in my life and after the summer I had, of emotional and mental turmoil, I was thrilled to see that the new season had started with promise. A new car, new found freedom, another move and the possibility of a new job; things seemed to finally be going well. And now here I am, sitting making tip-tap sounds on my computer feeling sad and alone.

I moved in with another family a few weeks ago. It seems the more I want to move back to Lindale, the further I move away from it. Now I’m living in Van, TX in a house I’m still trying to adjust to and missing the family I just became a part of. And now that the school year has started again, I’m seeing less and less of my friends that I become dependent on over the summer.

Thoughts from my past have been popping back in my mind lately. The sweet whispers of self-gratification, lust and death ring in my vulnerable ears. They linger in my confused mind causing my thoughts to summersault and my spirit to be on high alert reminding itself of God’s promises.

Sometimes, like now, it feels like all I have in this world is me and Thomas. That everyone around me has a purpose, a life, a journey – and I’m on the sidelines watching. Watching as I bounce around in stupidity and ignorance.

Seasons are hard - I wish the harvest would come already.

Quiet Time.

Our God

"Our God"
By Chris Tomlin

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Sainthood

“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be names among you, as is proper among saints.” –Ephesians 5:3 (English Standard Version)

“But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints.”
–Ephesians 5:3 (King James)
As the body of Christ and as the church we are called to be saints. The definition of a saint: a person of great holiness, virtue, or benevolence.

I don’t know about you, but I defiantly don’t see myself as a “saint.” Most cringe at the word saint and find it as an impossible task to become one (myself included). But reading this verse (Ephesians 5:3) gives me hope.

“As is proper among saints,” the English Standard Version gives us a step in the right direction - a rule to aspire to. It’s telling us how saints should act.

The King James Version says: “As becometh saints.” Becoming saints; saints still in the process, saints that still have work to be done.

This gives me more hope than you can imagine. I can be a saint in progress. I don’t have to be “holy” all at once, I don’t have to be “sin free,” it’s not wrong for me to still have strong struggles in my life, I’m allowed to still be a mess and have the privilege to continue working on who I am to be in Christ.

I’m a “beginner saint” and I find comfort in knowing that I can move from beginner saint to intermediate saint and advance saint. I don’t have to be an “advance saint” at a drop of a hat, I can work myself there.

The Lord will mature me to that stage when I’m ready, but I’m humbled to know that I am considered a saint even in my beginning stage.

Let's Dance!

Inspired by "Let's Dance" by Hawk Nelson.

Wall Continued

My journey of “the wall” has continued onto another path of a heart.

A harden heart, with a strong brick wall around it, a moat and a fence.

How far will we go to protect ourselves from the creator?

View a drawing of the first steps of The Wall, here.
View a video explanation of The Wall,
here.

Balloons.

We all hold on to things, good or bad. Which ones will you be willing to let go?

Original: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=6197606&id=521029128

Exit Here...

I'm extremely depressed.
I really want to harm myself.
Been thinking about suicide a lot.
I'm so upset, frustrated and angry with/at God.
I'm full of bitterness and rebellion.
I just want out. I want out now.

No Limits of Love

Molded the cross out of salt dough, baked and then mod-podded tissue paper and magazine clippings.

A new cross for my collection.

The Move

Say This Sooner

"Say This Sooner"
By The Almost

I can't believe I didn't say this sooner
I'll just believe that I was all displaced
I'll get to speaking, let you know how I feel
I'll get to judging, make you see my appeal
OH OH OH OH!!!

No one would ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear...
I swear I'm not

This make me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive (alive)
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve

No one would ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear,
I swear I'm not
I SWEAR I'M NOT!!!!

In and out is where it gets back to the place
It does make me feel like I just want to feel just like its touch

No one would ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All your friends say that you're gone but you swear,
I swear I'm not

No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not
I SWEAR I'M NOT!!!!

I See You.

My heart breaks for you.
I see your turmoil.
I see your hurt, pain and suffering.
I see you dying in yourself.

I see you.

Others see you.
Stop pushing away. Stop running away.
You need to face this. You need to face your hurt and pain.
You need to face me.
You need to meet me, once and for all, and know how I really am.

Stop. Stop killing yourself.
You're okay. You are okay.
I forgive you. I will always forgive you. Until you are with me.
Until you are in my arms feeling my ultimate love.

Sinner

It's hard for me to be a sinner.

When I commit a sin, the guilt and shame is so powerful that it torments me to no ends. It rips me to tiny strips till I can no longer function. It tears me down to my core, till I'm raw and hollow with no possibility of functionality.

And, yet, no matter how much I hate myself for it. I continue to rationally choose to sin.

Satan – The Tempter

I've been reading out of the book of Mathew lately. A chapter that caught my eye and tugged at my spirit was chapter 4, when Satan tempts Jesus.

The enemy comes to Jesus three times and finally flees after Jesus rebukes him. Then angels come to minister to Jesus; after this is when Jesus starts his ministry (verses 1-11).

The chapter begins with: "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit (ESV verse 1)." From my understanding, when Jesus came to earth he was still one with the Trinity, he was still God. But because he was human, he had flesh thus being tempted by sin; he had to listen to the Spirit to lead him. He had to use the discernment of the Spirit to know where to go.

Even Jesus, the Son of God, had to listen to the Spirit to know his father’s will. If Jesus had to listen carefully and follow; what makes us think that we don’t have to?

In verse 3, when Satan first comes to tempt Jesus, the verse calls Satan "the tempter." The verse reads that Satan, the tempter, came to Jesus and spoke to him.

In verse 5, it reads "the devil took him (Jesus)." The context of the verse is that Satan took/lead Jesus to the holy city.

In verse 8, the last time we hear of Satan tempting Jesus; again the verse calls Satan the devil and says that he took/lead Jesus.

Then in verse 10 it reads that Jesus rebuked the devil by saying: "Be gone Satan!"

In verse 3 you notice that the author addresses Satan as "the tempter." How true is that? When the enemy is first starting to get us to stumble, to sin, he comes to us and tempts us. He whispers to our heart that we desire, want or deserve something. He comes to us; he walks right up and speaks to us.

In verses 5 and 8 you notice that the author calls Satan the devil and writes that he lead Jesus to locations. Again, how true is that? I know with me, after I'm tempted to sin I am then somehow magically in a place where I'm face to face with that sin. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be lead. We give Satan the foot hold to direct our path.

In verse 10 you notice that this is the first time the author addresses Satan as Satan. First Satan was the tempter, then the devil and then he is called out by name - to show who he is. I find this very significant.

It's almost as if the author is slowly identifying the enemy. Giving substance to the name. Satan is not just an evil spirit, a demon or a follower; he is the one in charge of the darkness. But, you also see with just three simple words from Jesus Satan had to flee, he had to leave. Even with all of Satan's authority he had no rule over Jesus - the King of Kings.

Now, look at how Satan was tempting Jesus.
1) Satan wanted Jesus to show that he was hungry (unhappy) and to provide for himself.
2) Satan wanted Jesus to prove himself. To show who Jesus was. To show his authority. To test his power. I find it ironic that Satan told Jesus to jump from the temple. The enemy tried to get Jesus to jeopardize his life. Satan reminded Jesus that the angels wouldn't allow him to strike his foot. And Jesus responded with: "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test." (verse 7)
3) Satan wanted Jesus to make Satan his god. Satan used lies and false fantasies to tempt Jesus. However, Jesus knew the truth and didn’t fall into the trap of Satan’s lies.

And then, all it took was three little words for Satan to flee Jesus: "Be gone Satan!" Nothing less and nothing more. No pleading. No compromise. No tricks. No trades. Just strong faith in knowing that Satan was powerless against Jesus.

In ending this story, verse 11 reads: "Then the devil left him, and behold, angles came and were ministering to him."

After the battle is over, and the enemy gone, angels came to Jesus to minister to him. This got me thinking, if we as believers have the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead and the same Spirit that lead Jesus through this trial and stayed with him through the attacks of Satan. And if we have the same authority to rebuke Satan and command him to back off, then why wouldn't angels also come to minister to us after a battle?

Have you ever noticed when you win over a battle, even after a mini battle, with the enemy you have a spiritual high; sometimes an emotional high. You feel stronger, bolder, and more confident in your faith. Because you know that you, with the Spirits help, overcame temptation from the tempter, the devil, from Satan. I don't know what you call that, but I call that being ministered to.

I’ve read this story many times. I’ve heard this story preached many times. And I’ve heard the familiar saying: “Jesus was tempted just like you.” But I never understood it. I could never get past the point of: “Jesus wasn’t tempted the same way I am.”

But looking at this again; I realize that sin, temptation or situations don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if we’re not tempted to turn stones into food or to command angels to come to our rescue. And it doesn’t matter that Jesus wasn’t, stated in the Bible, tempted by: drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing, cursing, etc.

What ‘matters’ and what’s the ‘point,’ is that Satan has a way of tempting and causing one to stumble. He wants you to A) think you can do it by yourself, B) place your life on the line and C) make him your god. He puts all of us to these tests, even Jesus. But Jesus was able to resists the temptations and jump the hurdles. I might not be able to do it. But knowing that Jesus was placed to the same tests as I am makes Jesus more personable and makes Jesus more real to me.

Oh Marty... Video Edition

This video is part of my "Oh Marty" Blog series. Stories, adventures and trials that come along with owning a car.

Knowledge

"I don't know what the Lord is doing in your life. But let him do it."

A lady from the DFW New Beginnings church spoke this to me while I was visiting the church with Linzie.

It was sweet to see that someone outside my “inner-circle” or close “realm” of friends/mentors could see the change(s) that the Lord is making in my life.

When you hear things from the same people on a daily basis it loses its power and awe, but when someone new says the same things – it gives it new life, new meaning.

Fish-Hook

We all have those days where you are so tired, drained, and exhausted that you don’t want to deal with anyone. If one person talks to you, you want to bite their head off and tell them to leave you alone. I remember a day, very clearly, where I felt this exact way.

I was sitting in my room watching TV, unwinding from the day when my step brother entered my door-way and said that his mom wanted me. Groaning slightly I stood and walked hesitantly to the living room. Walking towards the couch I say: ‘Yes Mama?’ She looks at me, gives me a wryly smile and holds my puppy up for me to see saying. “Look at Andy’s paw.” I look at my six-month old puppy and from his left paw there is an inch and a half fish hook sticking out of it. Quickly my agitation, tiredness and exhaustion escape me; I wrap Andy in my arms, hold him lovingly, covering him with kisses and coo telling him it will be okay.

I franticly ask her what happened. Apparently my rambunctious puppy was wondering around the garage and somehow found a fish hock and stepped on it. I held Andy in my arms and tried to look at his paw; of course he didn’t like this and tried to squirm away from me. After realizing we couldn’t get it out we called around to see if we could take him somewhere, nothing was open. We wrapped his paw in gauze and tapped it so he couldn’t lick or naw on it.

He allowed me to hold him for a few minutes and then started to squirm again. I grabbed his pillow and placed him on it. He sat there for a while and then got up and started walking around limping. He would sit down for a second after a few steps, whimper and then continued to walk around. I continued to place him back on the pillow but he just wouldn’t sit still. I tried to hold him in my arms but he kept crawling out of them. I finally just placed him on the floor and let him roam around free. Finally he lay down in a dark cold corner.
After watching him for a while I thought, “What a dumb thing to do.” Here I am holding him, giving him a pillow to sleep on and watching over him. Then he walks away from me and lies down in a depressing place. Thinking, I felt convicted.

Have you ever gotten into trouble, cried about it, asked for help and then turned your back on the person trying to help you? I know I have done this, a LOT, to one person – God.

Have you realized when things start going ‘wrong’ or not your way, you cry and whine to God. You ask Him, “Why me? Why now? What did I do?” You whine and complain, making it very well know that you are not happy and want something done. Then after your whining and complaining is done you wait and wait trying to see if something will happen or change. Slowly things seem to be looking up and you go on with your daily life, completely forgetting about God. While you’re on your way you hit speed-bumps because the thing you were complaining about weren’t completely fixed. You continue to whine and sometimes end yourself up in a place that you do not want to be.

This is what my puppy did, but unlike me – giving up on the puppy and letting him do whatever he wanted and stopped trying to help him; God never gives up on you. No matter how many times you cry and complain to God, He still wraps you up in His arms and holds you tight. No matter how many times you crawl out of His arms or push Him away, God still tries to help you and picks you back up.

And if you give up on yourself and decide to wallow in your pain, guilt, shame and depression; God walks right in there with you, wipes you off, picks you up and carries you out.

God hates to see His children suffer, He hates to see us hurting and struggling; all He wants to do is wrap you in His arms and protect us. But sadly there is only so much we allow God to do. We think we can take care of ourselves, we believe that we can do anything. We believe, “If I don’t look out for myself then who will?”

We need to remember that God is there for us. When we are in that ‘dark corner’ He is there to lift us up and make us feel better. When He comes to help and we turn Him away - it hurts Him.

Psalm 23:4 says, He will walk with us and keep us safe through the valley of death - that’s proof that He is with us in that dark corner and He will keep us safe. But unlike what the puppy did, we need to go to Him and trust Him for comfort.


Psalms 23 (New International Version)
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

[PS - This is an old article from Corruption Magazine. It has been revamped.]

Truth

Are these words of truth?
Are these words reflections of your heart?
Or words to fluff your ego.
I love you Lord?
You are my king?
I worship you?

I don't know. You tell me.
I hear your cries. I love them and treasure them.
But, real, honest, true worship can move mountains and make demons flee.

----

I will provide.
I will make my promises come true.
I will not abandon you in your need.
I am always happy with you.

MINE.

Fight. Continue fighting. Continue fighting for me. Don't doubt. Don't doubt what I've placed in you. The gift that I placed/made in you to worship me.

Focus. Focus on me. I'm the mighty one in you. I'm the one that gives you breath. I'm the one that gives you sight. Sight in the present and sight in the not. I make you move. I allow you to lead. I allow you to flow. I allow you to stumble. But I never allow you to fail.

You have never failed in my eyes. You are my fighter. My fighter that never gives up. You will fight till the end, and even then you will not stop fighting for me.

I'm the attention you crave. I'm the love you seek. I'm the sweet kiss you long for. The arms you ache for. The body you dream about; to hold you. I'm the one for you.

You are my love.

I am your love. I am yours. I AM YOURS. Call me yours. Call me yours... My heart aches for you to call me yours. I cringe when you call others yours. My heartaches when you let others have you. You are mine and I am yours.

Don't doubt me. Do not doubt your first love.

----

Rest in me. You don't have to yell.
You don't have to scream.
You don’t have to jump, dance, leap, spin or speak.
Just sit. Sit in my presence and soak me in.
Soak in my love, my power, my strength.

Breathe me in and inhale.

Creation

You try too hard.
You try way too hard.
Just sit and wait.
Sit and listen to me.

I'm not quiet. I'm not whispering.
I'm not yelling either. Nor screaming.
But I am talking. I'm talking to you.
Cause I love you. And cause you're awesome.

You're amazing. Because I made you.
I made you. Science didn't make you. Man didn't make you.

I MADE YOU!

I LOVE

What a sweet fragrance. What an amazing joyful sound. You bring me joy. You make me glad. Your earnest wanting of me; my love, my heart, my voice - brings a smile to my lips.

I sing sweet blessings over you. I love to bless you. I love to protect you. I love your weakness. I love when you allow yourself to be vulnerable before me. And when you are fully exposed in your nakedness, I pick you up in my arms and wrap my endless love around you; filling you with my breath, my strength.

I fill every nook and cranny, I fill every dark place with light; I chase every demon away. They have no chance compared to me.

Remember I am stronger and mightier then the torturer.

Bondage.

I envy people who can express how they're feeling; people who openly verbalize what they're going through. They say what they’re thinking and hold nothing back. They tell you their emotional state and how it’s affecting them. They’re not ashamed to let others know.

Sometimes this can be too much information. Some people overuse this self confidence. But people who can find the happy medium - I envy.

I envy people who can put into words what’s bothering them.
I envy people who can freely speak.
I envy people’s boldness.
I envy people’s confidence.
I envy - their freedom…

Their freedom of not being trapped by words.
Their freedom of openness.
Their freedom of liberty.
Their freedom of wholeness…


I envy people who aren’t trapped in their own skin.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a captive in the enemies’ camp. I’m trapped and tied down. I’m in bondage and can’t wiggle. My mouth is wired shut and no matter how hard I try to cry for help - I don’t make a sound.

I can will myself until I make myself ill, and still, my lips won’t budge. My entire body shakes with wanting and desire to speak, but I cannot part my mouth. Puddles of frustration gather on my eye lids; and I can’t – I just CAN’T.


I’m trapped; trapped by my silence...


I’m tapped.
I’m alone.
And - I’m scared.

Little Faith

Everything will be okay.

Your faith is so little in me. Yet, your faith in yourself is strong. Am I not more powerful then you? Am I not the creator of the world, universe and of you; but you cannot trust me.

No matter how much you break my heart; I will never leave you. Never. You are mine. You belong to me and I will never let you go.

You're okay. You're safe in your numbness. But don't miss what's passing you by. Don't miss me. Stop trying not to feel. Your feelings are from me. Your emotions are from me. Every part of you I have created for a reason. I have not given you more or less then what you need.

Clouds

Overwhelming LOVE.

I love you.


I love you.

Your praise is so wonderful.
I love your praise.
This is right. This is right.
Don't fight it. Don't fight my power.

I am the one. The one that matters.
I am all this is for. Nothing else. Nothing more.
Aren't I enough?
Of course I am.
Stop fighting. Stop fighting, cause I won't stop pursuing you.

Oh My Dear

"Oh My Dear"
By Tenth Avenue North

I called you up, you were in bed
Could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead
So I got dressed
And I stepped out into the snow
And walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, in my chest

Well you finally came to the door
And we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up till four
You said “that’s fine”
But you said “there’s something I have to say
And I can’t because I’m just so afraid”
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh my dear
I will wait for you
Grace tonight, will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you’re scared of, disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Oh my dear
I’ll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said “I just don’t think that you’ll understand
You’ll never look at me that way again, if you knew what I did”
And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
Oh, but I never loved you more even though now I knew what you did

Oh my dear
I will wait for you
And grace tonight, will pull us through
Yeah, oh my dear, I will wait for you
And grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you’re scared of, disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Oh my dear
I’ll keep you in my arms...

Till the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you’re scared of, have disappeared inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Well, oh my dear
I’ll keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight

Inspiration

If it’s not apparent - I love art! I love watercolor in fact. It’s my favorite medium to use.

I got inspired recently by an artist named Vermelho from DeviantArt. Love her art work. She uses watercolor along with ink to make marvelous illusions.


I love her style. There are no strong/harsh lines. The colors flow and are vibrant. Nothing seems “locked” into place, everything is free.

Taking her style, I spined it and attempted to do my own.


It’s not how I imagined it in my mind-eye’s but it came out semi cute.

Beg

"Beg"
By Shane & Shane

Here I am
One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

Curves

Oh, Marty - You’re a brat!

Marty’s List:
Fuel Pump
Fix Trunk
Speed Odometer
Heater Core
Alarm Remote

I’ve come to learn that Marty is a very rebellious car. He just can’t seem to stay out of trouble.

I’ve also learned that Marty likes to be noticed.

Marty’s trunk is still not fixed, so this can cause some interesting predicaments. Today was rather windy, very windy in fact that the wind kept lifting up the tied down trunk. So, Marty thinks: “Oh no! Someone is trying to break into me. Must tell mommy!” So he sets his alarm off, again and again and again… EVERY time the trunk is lifted by the wind…

I’ve had problems with Marty’s alarm before. I didn’t receive a remote for Marty’s alarm when I got him, so there’s no way for me to turn him off unless I go to him and place my key in his door.

So, here I am, at work and the wind is messing with Marty’s trunk. His alarm sounds, then turns off after a few minutes and then comes back on after a few minutes when the mind messes with the trunk again. On, off, on off, on, off Marty’s alarm goes for about two hours straight…

Customers and business owners come in complaining about the car. I just smile and nod.

When my back up comes in, I run out and move Marty out of the wind. And then go back to work. Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to a car that has been sounding its alarm for the last few hours and turning it off?

Let’s just say, everyone knows what I drive now…

Oh Marty, you’re insane. But - we will get through this together.

Faint Memory…

Take a breath, hold the air in your lungs; fill up with my scent.

Know the way I taste, the way I smell, the way I cuddle you. Know me for me and not what you hear.

Come to me and let me mend what is broken. I am the healer and I am the only one who can make the ache, hurt and longingness go away.

Trust me, I won't break your heart - I made it. I made you. You are precious to me. Please, listen; listen to my cries of redemption and stop running. Stop running from your past; it will kill you. It will.

I can take it and cut it off. I can make it like a dream. A faint memory in the back of your mind.

You're not alone. You are not alone. Please stop acting like you are. I see your hurt. I see your pain. I see your turmoil. I care. I care!

Stop this now! Stop trying to run and live your life on your own.

Listen, listen to me please. Please listen to my cries of salvation. I can't watch to see you die. You are too precious to me.

Stop. Stop - please stop. I love you. You must stop or I'll lose you.

I don't want to lose you.

I don't know how else to make you stay. I will give you everything. Everything you could ever think of, it will be yours if you ask. I shower you with love. I give you favor. I've given you gifts. And yet you still doubt. You still run. I can't give you anything else, if you choose to continue to run away from me.

I love you. Trust me.

Rain.

Oh, Marty - People Watchin.

Marty’s List:
Fix Trunk
Speed Odometer
Heater

Marty’s list is getting shorter, so that’s a good thing – especially now that Marty is safe and no longer in danger.

The last four days have been rather interesting, without wanting to go any faster than 40-45mph I wasn’t making too many friends on the road. I never realized how impatient people are, how fast people drive and I gained compassion for older people who drive slowly.

Here I was driving down the road enjoying the scenery, listening to music and driving 40mph; I was enjoying life and soaking in the fact that I can now drive myself. And behind me are 3-4 angry cars; honking, hitting their sterling wheels, and riding Marty’s tail – these cars were in a hurry and were upset with me driving so slowly.

It really made me think; A) how often do we pass up moments to just soak in our surroundings and praise God for the things he’s created, B) how often do we feel like we’re more important than someone else and C) how often do we pass people by because they’re being an inconvenience to us.

I’m guilty of all these things.

I always focus on the task at hand, the situation or the problem and I fail to sit back and look towards God. I forget that’s he’s in control and not me. I pass moments to sit in the presence of the Lord, I pass moments of sitting & chatting with friends, I pass moments of growth and all because I’m focused on the final destination.

It up-sets me when someone at work comes in late for their shift, because I have to stay later than I planned. It irritates me when I’m closing down the store and someone comes in right before I’m about to lock the doors and now I have to wait and serve them. It frustrates me when someone doesn’t answer my text right away when I’m trying to find information out.

Sometimes I avoid people at church because I don’t have the time or don’t want to hear their problems and drama. Sometimes I’m short with customers because I know if I get them talking they’ll never shut up. I only call certain people every so often because I don’t want them in my life.

For me, all of these things are ‘people’ surrounded. I’m a people person. I love to help and serve. I love to encourage and lift up. I love people. But, when I look at the ways of how I blow people off or how I avoid certain people; it breaks my heart. How can I love people so much but leave out the ones I deem as an ‘inconvenience.’

How can I pass people by so effortlessly?

Yes, people were passing Marty and I by, but it didn’t bother us. We were happy and enjoying life. But how many people do they, do I, do you, pass by that aren’t having a good time, who aren’t having a good day, who needs a friend and someone to talk to.


How often do we pass people by who need us the most?
Who’s been an inconvenience lately?
What needs to happen until you need or are forced to slow down?
$300 slowed me down. How about you?


Oh Marty; we'll get through this adventure of life together.

Oh Marty - Shake, Rattle and Roll!

Marty’s List:
Alignment
Squeaky Band
Fix Trunk
Brakes
Speed Odometer
Heater
Lower Arm Control

Two things have been taken off this list and one has been added on. The one on the bottom no one could have known of unless you looked very closely at the car and had Marty lifted up high in the air (which, by the way, Marty doesn’t like).

I took Marty to the store and got him new shoes (tires) and changed his oil. When the mechanics were done, one called me over and showed me the front left tire. You can completely turn and jiggle Marty’s front left tire – not good. The mechanic said he had no clue what that meant, but that it had to be taken care of immediately. Which, by the way, was the same mechanic that was making fun of Marty in the first place because his trunk doesn’t close (it’s currently tired down with a piece of rope – ha ha, yes a rope).

So Marty and I geared up and headed to the second auto shop of the day. They couldn’t get us in to do an alignment, which turned out to be a blessing because I would had paid them for nothing. Marty and I leave the second auto shop and headed to the third one. Who knew finding an auto shop down Route 69 would be so hard? After three failed attempts –yes, three attempts– Marty and I wound up where we needed to be.

I walk in and have no clue where to go; the auto shop is a warehouse with many doors and tons of cars. I find someone and ask for help. I explain to him what I came for (squeakiness and speed odometer). He talks to me for a minute, not really sure what he can do for me. I explain that one of my customers is the owner of the shop and that he said he could help me. The man asks me who it was (apparently there’s more than one owner). I don’t know the owner’s name but I know his wife’s.

We figure out who the person is (Sean) and then the man takes me to Sean. We walk into the back and the man says: “Hey Sean, there’s a girl here that says you would help her.” Sean pulls himself from under a car and looks at me. With a sly smile he says: “Nope; never seen her before in my life. Never, ever.” I smile at him and shake my head. He walks out to the car and I explain to him about the speed odometer, the squeakiness and now the tire.

I sit in the waiting room as Marty get’s hosted up and looked at. A few minutes later Sean walks in and says that Marty is really messed up. He explains that the lower arm control is extremely loose and can go out at any moment if it’s not treated correctly. Basically, the arm that holds the left tire in place is woren out and if I speed too quickly or make an extremely sharp turn I can take the arm off the screw and I will go completely out of control.

Oh Marty…

Sean calls his parts guy as I sit in my chair and try to breathe and think; this cannot be good – financially. Sean's on the phone: “That’s my price?” Whistle. “Wow, that’s not a cheap part.” This is not good, not good at all.

Oh, Marty…

Sean gets off the phone and shakes his head: “Alright. I can help you. We can get the part and have your car fixed tomorrow. I can pick up the car (Marty) in the morning when I get my coffee and have him back before you get off. Now, you’re a sweet girl, I’m going to help you as much as I can.” He takes a deep breath. “The part on my end is $350…” I take a DEEP breath. “I’ll charge you $80 for labor and I’ve worked in the price of two belts (the squeakiness), the total cost will be $487.50.”

Marty…

“Now, while we have him up, I’ll look at the breaks, the check engine light and we’ll try to fix you’re trunk. I promise, we will get him working safe for you and I’ll do as much as I can for you.” Sean is a very nice, kind, sweet caring man. When you talk to him, you can tell he is very sincere. The concern in his voice for me and Marty is strong. Sean explains to me how cautious I need to be while driving Marty in this condition.

He reassures me that everything will be okay and that Marty will be in safe working condition in no time. I get in Marty and am about to drive away when Sean stops me and comes to my window, he’s on the phone. “You can’t get the part today or tomorrow? When’s the soonest you’ll have it? Monday. Okay, that… that will have to work. Thank you.”

Sean looks at me, “Alright sweetie, Monday. Be careful. Drive very safely and slow. Don’t do anything too wild or crazy. Just be safe and cautious and you will be fine.” I take a deep breath and nod. I put Marty in reverse and drive away.

I take Marty on the back roads home, no highway for us. I drive no faster than 45 mph; only driving Marty now if I have to, no leisure driving for a few days.

Oh, Marty - we will get through this together; I promise.

Oh, Marty!

I have officially owned Marty for two weeks now.

I’ve only been driving him for a week (had issues with the pink slip).

And he’s already stressing me out.

I knew when I bought Marty that he was going to need to be fixed up. I knew the beginning would be the most expensive. I knew some things would need immediate attention. I knew that owning a car meant taking responsibility in keeping up its maintenance. I knew that taking care of Marty would be a full time job. I guess; I just didn’t know it was going to be this stressful.

Marty’s List:
New Tires
Alignment
Squeaky Band
Fix Trunk
Brakes
Oil Change
Speed Odometer
Heater

This is a small list (not everything is listed), I’ve done small cosmetic work already, but I keep finding things on a daily basis that need to be fixed.

I guess, what’s making me stressed is trying to find time to take Marty to the shop. I work early mornings, so I need Marty to drive to work. I’m afraid if I take him in after work that I will be stuck at the shop for hours or that I will be late for my second job. I could drop Marty off early in the morning before the shops open and then walk to work (there’s a few shops near the coffee shop), but I don’t like the idea of A) leaving Marty somewhere so early and B) having to walk early in the morning along the highway (Route 69). I know these fears are probably nothing, but I still have them.

And with helpful people constantly stressing/reminding me of the things I need to do to Marty, it stresses me out even more.


Oh Marty… we will get through this together.

Voom Voom!

LOOK OUT!

Marty is on the purail. After a week of trying to get the pink slip issue resolved, I now have the title.

This has been a very frustrating and stressful ordeal. I’m afraid that this past week was a test – and I failed horribly. Marty is now legal and ready to drive however. I am now able to drive myself to work, church and for my pleasure.

I bought Marty some presents and made him all spiffy. He looks good in his new clothes.


Now, I know what some of you might be thinking:
What’s up with the name Marty?
Why are you obsessed with naming your belongings?
Why are things always boy names?

Marty got his name from my mother’s first car. After my mom’s first marriage she saved up long and hard and bought herself a new car. She was always proud of her car and drove it for almost 20 years straight. We still have the little blue car on the side of the house at home. He just sits there now, but he’s a reminder to me that when everything seems lost, forgotten and stolen there is hope, redemption and provision.


I don’t know why I have the burning desire to name everything I own… Just like I don’t know why I’ve become obsessed with cows or why I have the impulse to buy every cute stuff animal I see. I’m telling you, I’ve bought more stuff animals in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life!

Again, I don’t know why things are always boys to me, they just are. Like dogs are always puppies. I guess it’s just one of my quirky quirks. But I will say, that I purposely named my phone Kat.

So, here we go again in life.

Have fun and make a difference!

HELLO MARTY!

Meet my new best friend in the WHOLE world – Marty!


Marty is a four door 1996 Saturn Infiniti. Marty is the first 'real' purchase I've ever made. I’ve been working since mid January and been saving hard for him. I paid in full, so no payments, woot! He has a lot of miles on him, but does have a new strong engine. He needs cosmetic work and a few major fixes here and there (tires, trunk, brakes, etc.). But he is ready to go and drive!

I am having an issue with the pink slip however; so unfortunately he is sitting in the drive way being a temptation.

Oh Marty, soon love. Soon!

The Invader

I feel like I’m sitting in a dark corner of a room. I have my legs pulled up to my chest, my head is barred into my knees and I’m weeping. There’s monster’s outside my door growling, howling, and breathing heavily. They’re jumping against the door, banging on it and clawing at it. There’s another creature in the opposite corner of me. Their voice is smooth and sweet, almost comforting; but I know they’re not a friend. I’m rocking myself back and forth; my hands covering my ears trying to blur out the noise of the monsters and the sickly sweet invader.

I’m weeping heavily, crying out softly for help; asking to be set free. The invader smiles at me, I can see the faint smile on his lips through the pale light of the room.

Closing my eyes I take a deep breath and begin to speak confidently. Speaking truth, that the invader cannot touch me, he cannot harm me, he has no power over me. Slowly the monsters quiet down. They’re no longer jumping and banging at the tattered door. They’re not completely gone, they’re there, I hear their heavy breathing from under the door; some try to stick their noses under the door.

The light in the room becomes brighter covering me in soft yellow rays. The invader stands in the corner, he leans against the wall, his arms folded. He and the monster’s now wait.

Taking another breath I lift my head up and look towards the dark corner of the invader.

Mathew 26:40-41

"Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." - Matthew 26:40-41
The above verses describe the scenario leading up to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. Jesus knew He would be betrayed, and knew He needed strength from above to endure the coming events, so He sought His Father in prayer. And it is right here that Jesus instructs His disciples, and us, on how not to fall: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Be vigilant. Watch against a developing chain of events that lead to a fall into sin, and remove a link in the chain. Watch for familiar areas in which you are tempted; watch for the uprising of the flesh; watch out when you are tired; and watch out for when you have just had a high spiritual experience. WATCH. But don’t just watch. Watch and pray. Pray that God will keep you from falling. Pray that He would give you grace to endure temptation without giving in. Pray for power from above to extinguish the fiery darts of the devil. - taken from the By His Wounds course from SettingCaptivesFree.com