The 21st Year

Just another second, moment, hour; of a day, week, month; of another year – that I’ve lived. As I reflect on these 21 years of my life, all I see is hurt, pain, heartache and neglect; of others and of myself. I thank God to my core that he’s spared my life; for I should not be celebrating this year, month, week, day or moment.

If I’ve learned anything in my 21 years, that is: God is love, mercy and grace. Whenever we are down, He is there to pick us up. God is our comforter, friend, supporter and life guard. He never leaves nor forsakes us. And even when times are down and there seems to be no hope; God is there the most.

I can not believe that I’ve made it to this day. There are so many moments that my life could have been taken away; and yet by the grace of God I stand! I am blessed and thankful that I’ve had the privilege to live these 21 years, and am anxious to live many more.

I might not know why I’ve made it to see the day of my 21st year – but I know it brings joy to the Lord. And the joy of the Lord is mine.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Inner Screams of Frustration

Have you ever stripped everything away and just focused on Christ? Have you ever completely separated yourself from everything and just prayed for days straight? Have you ever taken a vow of silence to hear Christ’s voice? Have you ever just sat and waited for Christ to engulf you? Me neither – but I will have the chance this weekend.

This weekend is the Fasting – Vision LTE (Life Transforming Event). The fasting LTE is when we fast for about three and half days; we take a vow of silence; we’re not allowed to write letters, emails, or texts; we’re not allowed to listen to music, besides corporate worship time; the only book we’re allowed to read is the Bible; and we’re only allowed to drink water. Every distraction is completely stripped away from us and we are to focus only on God; seek His presence, guidance and “vision” for our life. The fasting started last night (Wednesday) and the vow of silence along with all the other restrictions will kick in tonight (Thursday) around 10pm. The fast will continue until Sunday morning around 8am. I’m very excited about this LTE Fast, but am also nervous.

I want to know what God has for me; I want to know what great things I’m going to do for Him, to further His kingdom. But I’m scared that I won’t be able to make that connection with Christ. I’m afraid that even having every distraction stripped away from me, I still won’t be able to focus only on God. I’m afraid that all my guilt, fears, and insecurities will hold me back and keep me from having that intimacy with God.

I’m afraid that I am incapable of all the great things I know God has in store for me. I’m afraid that I won’t trust God in this life-changing weekend and that I won’t get anything out of it. I’m afraid I’m going to waste this weekend; like I’ve done with the first few years of my life.

I’m afraid that I’m going to fail him.

I’m afraid.

Stella’s Monthly Honor Academy Update!

Hello Everyone!

I want to apologize that I haven’t been sending out monthly updates about my internship here at the Honor Academy; life as an intern is very fast paced and loaded with work. Still, that is no excuse; and I am sorry that I haven’t been writing to all of you.

I want to thank you all for all your prayers, support and encouraging words of wisdom. These last few months have been rather hard on me. With all the new knowledge that I am acquiring and trying to master, with a new life style of living in a dorm with others and with personal tragedies that have happened at home; it’s definitely been a time of character, spiritual and emotional growth.

My family and I were struck with a death late September, my step-mom died unexpectedly. I was given emergency leave from the Honor Academy and rushed home to be with my family during this hard time. I was forced to drop out of ESOAL (Emotional Stretching Opportunity of a Lifetime) a LTE (Life Transforming Event). I’m happy to say that I had my own ESOAL that same week; I truly believe that everything that took place was preplanned. The most impactful way that God could have shown Himself to me was through my own personal ESOAL and not the corporate one.

I’m still trying to learn to fully rely on the Lord and to hear His voice, but at least now I know for sure that the Honor Academy is where I am to be. I’ve learned so much about myself and about God in such a short amount of time that I’m amazed with the changes that have been made within me. I’m excited, nervous and anxious to see what is in store for me. I want to thank you all for being there for me and helping me stay strong when I thought I couldn’t.

This weekend the internship is going through another LTE: Fasting – Vision. The fasting LTE is when we fast for about three and half days; we take a vow of silence; we’re not allowed to write letters, emails, or texts; we’re not allowed to listen to music, besides corporate worship time; the only book we’re allowed to read is the Bible; and we’re only allowed to drink water. Every distraction is completely stripped away from us and we are to focus only on God; seek His presence, guidance and “vision” for our life. I’m very excited about this LTE Fast, but am also nervous.

The fasting started last night (Wednesday) and the vow of silence along with all the other restrictions will kick in tonight (Thursday) around 10pm. The fast will continue until Sunday morning around 8am. Please keep the internship and myself in prayer. This is going to be a very tough weekend physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Thank you, again, so much for all your support and prayer – it means a lot. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and have a safe and joyful Thanksgiving.
-Stella Star Cordova

Attainable Worship

Another corporate fasting day; I love these days. It’s so amazing to see hundreds of people fasting in unison to better the kingdom of God. The day is full of prayer and worship. I especially love “lunch” hour; we head to the auditorium and worship and pray as one. An hour fully devoted to seeking God’s call; it’s life changing.

You can learn so much from these precious hours of worshiping the Lord; especially having no food. I had never fasted before I came to the Honor Academy, but I would recommend it to everyone. It’s an amazing experience to be one-on-one with the Lord and seeking him full heartedly.

As always, I love the worship music within this hour; our bands are definitely gifted. But that’s not what amazes me; what amazes me is how people can come so close to the Lord and be engulfed by him that they don’t care what others might think around them, they just want to worship him. I desire that, I desire that personal connection with Christ; to stand in his presence and worship him fully, no holding back.

There’s a girl I envy a little; she has such an amazing relationship with Christ, that when she enters into his presence she’s so over joyed that she bursts into laughter. She will be worshipping the Lord fully and she will just begin to laugh. It’s such an awesome sight to see.

Within this special hour of worship fasting, there are so many people worshiping the Lord and lost in his presence that it blows me away of how powerful Christ really is. No one cares if people are watching, no one cares if their dance distracts others, no one cares if their singing is off tone – no one has fear of man! All they want to do is worship their Lord.

It’s breath taking.

Creativeness

Have you ever noticed that so many people can be classified with a certain “characteristic” but be completely different then everyone else that’s labeled with that? There are so many characteristics of people: artsy, athletic, romantic, comedic, thrill-seeking, determined, goal oriented, etc.; the list can go on and on. But have you noticed that each person who has this characteristic, skill or talent doesn’t match another?

I know that might be an odd thing to observe, but I’ve noticed that a lot since being here at the HA. There are so many people with the same characteristic/skill/talent but they are completely different then the next person. There might be two people enthralled with music; it’s their life, their talent, their gift, but in no way are they the same. One can sing higher then the other, play the drums faster, play the guitar better, etc.; in no way are their skills/talents the same – isn’t that amazing!

Think about it: there are how many people in the world; and each and every single one is different, not one is the same. Let’s not even talk about skills at the moment, but not one person looks exactly the same – even twins don’t have everything identical. Not one person has the same complexion

Imagine how much time, energy, and thought went into creating every single person.

Phone a Friend?

Since the training session for TheHopeLine over a month ago, today was the first time I had actually gone to help. There was a rather big group of first timers, they gathered us all into a group and separated us into pairs. We were given a computer and set to the task of watching videos; fun no? We sat there for about an hour and half watching video, after video, after video. We watched how TheHopeline works, how to use the phones and the chats, how to answer phone calls and tons of other little important information.

It’s so cool to have the privilege to be a part of such an amazing organization. I know how important it is to just have someone to talk to; to get built up emotions out or to get someone’s opinion. I can’t wait to start answering chats and calls!

That will have to wait for a bit however, I still need to shadow and once I shadow then I’m out on my own.

Scary isn’t it to think of me giving people advice and leading them to Christ.

Father’s Approval

I love how my favorite place to sit is the one place with the most red dirt, bugs, noise and traffic; ironic isn’t it?

The one place that I feel the most solitude at is one of the busiest places on campus. It’s odd with what calms us isn’t it? Things that we wouldn’t think that we would like, do or care for often are things that are our favorite. It’s just another wonderful thing that God has His hand in; another thing that God worked everything out without our knowledge.

Have you ever wondered if God gets a kick out of how He created us? Think of how much fun and joy God has in creating a person. And how God makes our character and personality to work (or sometimes not work) perfectly together. I wonder if God placed corks in us to give Him joy; in a sad mean dry humor kind of a way.

I mean have you ever noticed the gifts, talents or joys that you have sometimes have flaws in them that you need to over come? A saying that a roommate and I always say is: “God gifted writers with bad spelling.” I mean imagine how much joy God gets out of watching a writer with great talent struggle with having to spell.

I can imagine God chuckling to himself while the editor of the writer corrects their work and every other word needs to be corrected. But then I imagine how wide of a smile and how bright He beams when the writer’s work is done, finished, published and printed.

 Imagine how proud God is of that! Imagine God bragging about no matter how much we had to go through we struggled through it and completed the task. He beams knowing that we overcame a hurdle in our life and have grown.

He’s so proud.

And if He gets a good laugh along the ride it’s worth all the falters right?

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let is SNOW!

Two weeks had finally passed since me coming back to the Honor Academy from going home for my step-mom’s funeral. Within this time period I had been going crazy without my laptop; the laptop was destroyed in the car accident on my way to the airport to go home. This entire time I had been without my laptop and was dying.

Waiting impatiently for this day to come, as soon as I was able to go to The Cell to grab my box, I ran to the room to get it. Grabbing my box I ran to a table and grabbed a knife from the kitchen to open the package. Digging through tons of packing peanuts I found my beloved laptop wrapped in bubble wrap at the bottom of the box waiting to be used.

You thought me receiving the box of clothes from home made me happy; imagine that times 5,000. I was so happy about receiving my laptop that I raced through eating my lunch and ran back to the office to turn the laptop on and to hook it up to the Internet; carrying the big box of packing peanuts with me.

Getting into the office I rearranged my desk to plug the laptop in and to get the Internet and then waiting patiently as my laptop made tons of updates. I looked at the box of packing peanuts as I picked up a handful and threw it at my coworker; he smirked and threw them back. Within seconds we had a mini packing peanut war.

At lunch another coworker suggested that I throw them all over our manager’s office; “Let it be like snow,” she said. I told the coworker that I had the mini war with about the idea and he was all for it. I then went over to my supervisor and explained the idea to her; I wanted to do it, but I didn’t want to get in huge trouble. Before I could even get my entire plan out, she was out of her chair and running to our manager’s office. I grabbed the box as the male coworker followed us into the room.

Within seconds the entire office was covered in a freshly set inch of “snow.” We all laughed as we saw what we had done. Thinking of what we could do to make the snow even more awesome we ran to the computer to print off snowflakes. Running to the printer, grabbing succors and tape; we cut out all the snowflakes and plastered them all over the walls. We then grabbed an iPod and speakers as we placed Christmas music on, turned off the light and closed the door. As the other three coworkers entered the office we rushed them over to our manager’s office to show them what we had done; all of them bursting into laughter. We then all ran to our desk’s waiting for out manager to enter.

The supervisor, who sits in front, placed Christmas music on as the rest of us waited to wish our manager a “Merry Christmas.” Our manager walked in as the supervisor started to sing a Christmas song. He slowly walked threw the row of our desks as we all wished him “Merry Christmas;” he looked at us and stood in the middle of the room: “What are you all up to?” We all smiled as we got back to work. He then walked to his office and opened the door as the sound of Christmas music greeted him.

He turned on the light, walked in and then walked right back out with a devilish smile on his face: “You all are insane!” We all cracked up into a roar of laughter. After about 10 minutes we all were called into his office for our daily team meeting; and for corporate clean up.

It might have been a hassle trying to pick up all the crushed packing peanuts, but it was so worth it to see the look on our manager’s face.

Coffee Pot

Isn’t it funny how you can be doing something so simple and it will trigger a memory and it will bring a smile to your face. I often find myself walking to the water fountain at work to fill my water bottle; my coworker and I always go together so we have someone to talk to in the long awkward hallway.

Well today, we walked to the water fountain and I filled my bottle as I waited for my coworker to go to the restroom and to come back; as I was waiting I started to drink my water. I guess I was thirstier then I thought because before my coworker came out of the restroom I had drank the entire content of my bottle; and it’s a pretty big bottle. I laughed to myself because I couldn’t believe I had drunk all that water that quickly. As I started to refill my bottle a memory came back to.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table one morning waiting for my mom to serve me breakfast when she went to make herself coffee, she grabbed the pot, filled it up and started to laugh. I looked at her and asked why she was laughing. She then told me that the night before she was making my dad coffee and she had become thirsty so she started to drink the water out of the freshly filled coffee pot; before she knew it she had drank the entire coffee pot of water and had to completely refill it. I stared at her and laughed; she was always so odd. And then we wonder where I get it from? Ha ha.

As I continued to refill my water bottle I started to laugh out loud when my coworker came out of the restroom. She looked at me and asked why I was laughing; I told her the story and she started to laugh also.

Aw happy-odd memories, not only do they bring you joy but they bring it to others too.

The Long Awkward Hallway

Most of the offices of Teen Mania that are in the admin building are: Acquire the Fire, Extreme Camps, IT, E-Strategies and all the executive offices. The admin building is two stories high and has tons of different hallways you can get lost in. One hallway that is the most famous is the hallway I need to walk through everyday to get to work: ‘The Long Awkward Hallway.’

This hallway is seriously about 90 feet long, maybe longer. And it has nothing in it; just one long hallway with huge pictures hanging on the walls. The reason why this hallway is called the ‘Long Awkward Hallway’ is because you can be at one end of the hallway and you will be staring at the other person coming towards you for a good minute or two in silence. Not to mention because of the length of the hallway people are always in it to do the most randomest things.

You will find cores having their meetings in the hallway, people having business or personal meetings, people having their quiet time, people dancing, people scootering, people lying down, people running into the walls; there are many odd things that happen in this hallway.

I’ve had my fair share of odd-awkward moments in the hallway; it makes you laugh and gives you a great story to tell: ‘Once upon a time my coworker and I were walking down the hallway to get water as we were pretending to fly down the hallway and running our hands across the wall and pictures. We get about half way down the hallway when we see the director of the Honor Academy turn the corner. He looks at us with a smile as we immediately place or hands at our side and stop zigzagging. “Hello Mr. Hauz!” “Hello ladies. Having a nice day?” “Yes sir, and how is yours?” “Going good thank you.” He continues to smile as we pass him and we run down the rest of the hallway to get away, bursting into laughter.’

Oh aren’t interns silly?

Judgmental Death

It never ceases to amaze me; with a drop of a hat – everyone can be a Broadway star. They cry, flair, stomp their feet, pull their hair, throw themselves over the casket; is this truly their actions, are they truly feeling these emotions and pains or am I looking at them too critically? I think not.

They parade around prancing, noses in the air, the stench of stale liquor following their trail. They make it to the end of the row, look at the casket, knees shake, hands tremble, eyes blur with tears as they step wobbly to the orphan and collapse into a waterfall of tears. I roll my eyes as I watch the horrid disarray takes place. Heartless? Maybe. More chemically imbalanced seem to flock to the scene, they seem to travel in packs, they all smother the orphan trapping him in the middle of a circle of miss placed arms, bodies and affection; they weep as one big blubbering ball of human mess.

I don’t blame the orphan, he doesn’t know better; but the others, the ‘adults,’ I despise them. They ruin every family outing with their antics, they never learn their not welcomed when using. They finish playing out their outrageous play as they whip their eyes, fix their clothes and calmly walk to a pew to sit, bow their heads and pray – the one thing they do right.

My eyes move to the slow moving body coming down the side of my pew, I turn slightly, their shoulders are heavy, head lowered, eyes swollen, their atmosphere screams – lost. They make their way to the casket as they stand a few feet away from the foot. I study them, their body language is different then before; their more frantic this time, more scared – their truly alone this time. A little boy walks down the red velvet carpeted centered aisle to the man – my father.

My nephew hugs him and then looks to the casket, my step mom. This entire time I’ve been sitting comfortably from my pew, watching everyone, taking everything in – and it amazes me on how people act at funerals.

Ping-Pong Anyone?

After two days of finding out that my step-mom passed, I was finally on my way home for the funeral. Two of my roommates had already dropped out of ESOAL by the time I had to go to the airport; we all woke up early and got on the road to head towards Dallas a good two hour road trip. We stopped for gas and prayed for a safe trip as we entered the highway; nothing could have prepared us for what was going to happen on that road trip. We were about 45 minutes away from the airport, singing along to Skillet’s ‘Comatose’ CD as we saw an impatient black BMW behind a white expedition swerve into our lane cutting us off.

We were driving down a two lane highway; we were on the left side as the two other cars were on the right. The distance between the front of our car and the back of the white expedition was less then 10 feet when the black BMW swerved into our lane. We swerved our car to the left barely missing the BMW by seconds; with the speed we were going, it sent the car out of control. With our rapid turn to the left we ran into the guard rail and bounced off it. The impact of the hit sent us back to the BMW; by this time the BMW was at the same speed of the white expedition.

On this two lane highway, three cars were occupying both the lanes; we all lined up in a perfect row. We hit the BMW and bounced back to the left, back into the guard rail. We bounced again into the white expedition, by this time the BMW had speed up and was now in front of us. We bounced off the white expedition and once more into the guard rail; with one more bounce, we came off the guard rail and into a ditch on the far right.

We all sat in the car as we tried to comprehend what just happened. In the process of our car playing ping-pong the windows had cracked and glass was thrown every where, all of our belongings were sprawled over the car, and the passenger in the back seat was injured. By the time we ran into the ditch the black BMW had speed off and was out of sight. The driver and I were able to open our doors and step out as the passenger of the white expedition ran towards us to see if we were okay.

After the fastest 30 minutes of my life passed, which felt like seconds, the car we were driving was picked up, our roommate was rushed to the hospital, and we (the driver and myself) were in a cop car on our way to the hospital to be with our roommate.

Moments after the accident I called my manager from work to inform him we were in a wreck; it was the only number I had of who I knew could help us. My manager was a major in ESOAL and was able to find the director of the Honor Academy, my major, my dorm director and my CA. Within minutes tons of people were praying for us; my roommates and I.

The driver and I sat in the waiting room as we waited impatiently to see our roommate. We were able to go in minutes later and stayed with her until people from the Honor Academy were able to meet us. By this time an hour or so had passed and the driver started to become in great pain; she checked herself in and I stayed with our roommate.

Moments after the two ladies from the Honor Academy arrived with a new car to pick us up, the roommate and me got into the car with the driver to take me to the airport; leaving the driver of our car with the other HA person.

I was the only person in the wreck that wasn’t hospitalized.

By this time about four hours had passed from the wreck, I had missed my flight and didn’t know if I could make it home. We got to the airport, we spoke with the airplane company and I was able to get on another flight. I had to wait about an hour for my flight; I sat in the lobby as I called everyone back to inform them of everything that had happened.

After a long 12 hour day I finally made it home, safe, back to California.

This just isn’t my week.

The End of a Timeline

It was odd waking in a room with only one other person in it. All my roommates and core families are in ESOAL. I had to drop out of ESOAL; that was so hard for me to do. I received another dreadful phone call from my dad last night; my step-mom has passed away. I received the text to call my dad during Wednesday Night Service (WNS) but couldn’t call him until after the service was over.

ESOAL started in WNS; we had to line up in our company’s and platoons. We were told the rules and what was expected of us. The entire time since I received the dreadful text of: “Call me,” my mind was spinning. I knew what had happened but I didn’t want to believe it. As soon as we were released to go back to the dorms to grab our stuff and to meet on the football field, my major found me pulled me aside and asked me if I had made a decision to do ESOAL or not. I told him I had received the text and that I needed to call my dad. We walked to his office; I called my dad as my world had been drastically changed again.

I don’t remember how long I was on the phone, how long I was in that chair or how long I was in his office; all I remember - are the tears. I sat in my company major’s office as I tried to re-control my emotions and to think things through. We sat there and spoke about if I should do ESOAL, he strongly suggested that I drop out and go home. We then went to find my dorm director to inform her that I was dropping out and that I needed Emergency Leave.

I walked back to the dorms by myself; the walk from the admin to the dorms always seems to take forever, this time it seemed like time was frozen. I entered my hall and into my room to find my roommates excited and getting ready. I told them what had happened as fresh tears appeared, we then walked next door to my core and then down the hall to my CA’s room. They all prayed over me and my family; encouraging me in the most influential way.

My core finished getting ready for ESOAL as we all walked as a core to the football field. The next hardest thing I had to face was moments away: I had to tell my company I was dropping out. We all stepped onto the field as we headed towards our company; I stood in front of the second lieutenant (brother core) as I told him I had to drop out. He gathered all the leaders of each platoon and they all prayed for my family and me. I told the rest of my family core and company good-bye quickly as I ran off the field before the time limit hit.

I walked back to the dorm by myself as I watched my company lay on the field in the cold wet grass to sleep, it was 11pm. My sister core’s CA meet up with me as we watched the company. We walked back to the dorm, to my room and slept.

The end of the first day of a new unknown future.

Unknown Stars

ESOAL starts tonight, after Wednesday Night Service. I stayed outside last night until about midnight; sitting in the cold wet grass staring at the stars. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my step-mom’s situation. Do I want to go home? Do I want to stay? My emotions are running high; I’m scared to think of the unknown future.

I went to work early today, to speak with my manager and project manager about leaving early last night. They completely understood and already knew, my coworker and roommate had emailed them. I also wanted to distract myself, I don’t want to think of the “what if” any more. I need to think of something else.

I don’t know if I want to do ESOAL; I’ve been training so hard to do it, but I don’t know if I can focus on it. Can I give my all and be committed when I know that my step-mom is on her death bed. She made it through the night, but the doctors give her no chance of making it through the day. Her body is slowly shutting down. My dad and step-brothers have been at the hospital all night, I feel so horrible for not being there with them. I want to go home to support them and to see my step-mom once more, but I can’t miss work and school.

I’m torn on what to do. Do I go home and miss ESOAL or do I stay and do ESOAL and feel awful.

The Dreaded Phone Call

There’s one type of call that you never want to receive that can come in two ways: 1) Receiving a phone call saying that someone you care for has gotten deadly ill or 2) Receiving a phone call saying that someone you care for has passed. Sadly I have received this type of call and have given it.

My dad called this afternoon to inform me that my step-mom had gone into a coma; my head swam as I listened to the explanation. Why is it that death seems to creep upon my family? That it sneaks into the small cracks and floods the door in.

My step-mom had gone in for a small surgery, it went well and everything had gone great; but when she woke the next morning (today) she didn’t know where she was at or who she was. Fear crept upon her as she panicked and became physical with the nurses and doctors; they restrained her to protect themselves and her. My dad rushed to the hospital to be with her, by that time she slowly started to get her memory back, she remembered my dad and pleaded with him to take her home.

When my dad arrived at the hospital they were finally able to calm my step-mom enough to take some tests. They placed her on the MRI table and got ready to do the test; she then had a heart attack and went into a coma.

My dad called me moments later to inform me what happened; my world froze in place – not again. I sat outside the main building on the water fountain crying; I clang to the phone as my dad spoke. I was unable to go back to work after that; my roommate saw me and I told her what happened, she went and grabbed my stuff. I walked back to the dorm as I ran into friends; they stopped and prayed over me and my family. I love how everyone around you is like family, they don’t care who or what the situation is they just want to love over you.

I placed my things in my room as I went and told my CA and then went to lie under the stars. What am I going to do? The doctors give my step-mom has no chance of making it through the night. What if she passes? I’m going to have to go home, I’m going to have to miss class, I’m going to miss my roommates, my core, my family core – I’m going to have to miss ESOAL.

God, what’s going to happen? My dad can’t loose my step-mom. Are we going to be able to handle another death?

Take that Satan!

ESOAL is a short five days away and corporate is getting more and more intense to get us ready. We’ve been told to run as a platoon the last few days; I’ve been able to keep up with walking and running but I still hold the group back a bit. So this morning when we were told to run as a company I got a little panicked. The slowest people (person) was to go to the front and lead the pace – me.

I did well at first; I tried my best to keep up and ran as fast as I could. I did however fall behind. My company ran ahead of me, cheering for me the entire time, as I continued to run at my pace with the lieutenant. We ran and ran and ran, the lieutenant constantly giving me praise and encouraging words.

We ran half of the loop, the oval that circles the front of the campus, I smiled as big as I could; I had never done that before. The lieutenant also smiled and cheered for me as we continued to run, by this time we were catching up with the rest of the company. We ran three-fourths of the loop as we finally made it back to the company; still running a few feet behind everyone. One of my brother core saw me and cheered me on, if it wasn’t for him I really don’t think I could have made it as far as I did.

We continued to run as we made it to the point where we started, one full loop. And guess what? I hadn’t stopped running! I had run the entire time. I saw the end of the cafeteria, as I felt myself starting to get tired, every muscle in my body was screaming stop. And just then the lieutenant spoke: ‘Don’t listen to Satan. He’s going to try and make you stop. Make him stop, stomp him out.’ She looked at me with a smile as I nodded and we sprinted to the finish/starting point.

As we passed the point I smiled and praised God, I had been praying for strength the entire time we were running. I honestly couldn’t believe I had made it that far. As I slowed down from the sprint, I saw that the company was still running; loop number two! I groaned as I watched the company make the slight turn, the lieutenant shook her head and pushed me to go further. ‘You can do this! Look at you! You just ran one ENTIRE loop! We can do another. Come on! I have faith in you.’ I groaned again and grind my teeth as we continued to run.

We ran and ran and ran some more, we made it to the guard booth (half way) as I saw the company again; we were picking up speed on them once more. ‘Look at that! You ran one and half loops! And we’re catching up with the company!’ the lieutenant spoke happily as we ran up the slight incline of the road. Honestly, I could care less if we had run one and half loops or that we were catching up with the company; I wanted to stop. I wanted to walk, I wanted to catch my breath, I wanted to give into my flesh; as soon as that thought entered my mind I knew I couldn’t do this on my own. I started to pray once more and quoted Philippians 4:13; we caught up slightly with the company once more as the same brother core brother saw me and cheered me on once more.

We ran and ran and ran as the cafeteria came into view once more; I smiled as I pushed myself harder and harder. My legs were sore, my arms hurting and my chest ached as again the thought of stopping entered my mind: ‘You did so well, you fought hard; you can walk the rest, you did your best.’ I shook my head as the lieutenant’s words came back to me: ‘Stomp him OUT!’ I puffed harder as I ran a little quicker. Loop number two – complete!

By this time the company had completely left us in the dust; they were on their third loop and were racing. As we made it to the finish/starting point I was told to run in place as the lieutenant went to speak with the major, he told us to run the tear drop – the small loop in the big loop, about one-fourth of the full loop size. I nodded as I slowly picked up my pace once more and continued to run. I was not going to give up. I was not going to give in! I wasn’t running for me any more, I wasn’t running for the lieutenant, I wasn’t running for the major – I was running for God, and I knew he was proud of me.

We made it back to the finish/starting point, two and one-third loops – yay! The lieutenant and I were called over to the major and captain, as we made our way to them I continued to jog in place. The major then spoke: ‘Alright Stella, good job. You can stop running now… Stella stop running.’ I shook my head and said: ‘No sir.’ He looked at me and nodded: ‘Alright then. Run over to the middle of the road and when your company comes in, line them into platoons and gather them together.’ I nodded as I ran to the middle of the road and jogged in place.

I watched as my company started to come up the slight incline of the road, I cheered them on as they made it towards me. They all made their way to the finish/starting point as I directed them into platoons - and told them to continue running in place.

We waited as all the platoons came, still running, once all the platoons came in and the prize of the race was given out (five minute break in ESOAL) the major started to run in place himself and spoke: ‘Alright, we’re going to run one more tear drop. Stella, lead the company. You can not pass Stella, she’s setting the pace.’ I looked at him out of the corner of my eye: ‘Are you serious?’ I thought as he turned around and started to run. I took a deep breath and followed after him.

We ran a few steps as I ran behind the major and captain; they were a good three maybe four feet ahead of me. We ran about one-third the tear drop as I started to think: ‘Why do we want to finish the way we started? We’re running for God, not ourselves; let’s give him what he deserves.’ I took as deep of a breath as I could as I pumped my arms harder and quickened my pace. I sprinted down half the tear drop as the major turned his head slightly to find me in the middle of both him and the captain; he smiled: ‘Good job Stella.’ He and the captain quickened their pace as I picked up mine to match theirs.

We ran side by side as I could hear the company behind me struggling to keep up. We ran about three-fourths of the tear drop as my chest started to feel like it was on fire, I would not stop or slow down – this wasn’t for me, this was for God. We made it to finish finisihing point as we all slowed down and took deep breaths. For the first time since we started running, I had stopped. I had run the entire time, I didn’t stop once. I smiled and thanked God; I truly couldn’t have done it on my own.

We walked down the decline of the walk way to the anvil as we started to stretch. My platoon came around me as my ACA looked at me and beamed: ‘Where did that sprint come from? We couldn’t keep up with you!’ She smiled as she hugged me.

‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’
-Philippians 4:13

Core Support

I hate God’s humor, it really isn’t entertaining.

So I decided Sunday that I wouldn’t do ESOAL. I made my mind up and wasn’t doing it. I was getting ready to drop out after corporate this morning; I had been procrastinating because I knew I would get disappointed looks from my core and family cores.

All through corporate my core, family cores and company would encourage me; telling me I could do it, saying I was doing well, that I was an inspiration and lots of other feel good things, but to me it seemed like I was holding them back. My company always has to be looking out for me, always watching my back to make sure I don’t fall too far behind, or make sure that I’m not dying in a ditch; I felt like a burden to them.

So here we are early morning at 5:30am running (walking) the track and one of my platoon/roommates is walking with me. We run a little, walk a little, run, walk, talk, tell jokes, sing, whatever it might be to keep us moving; and in front of us is a group of three girls also walking. We watched them from about 10 feet away in silent; it broke my heart to hear what two of the girls were saying to the third. One of the girls was having problems keeping up with the other two and the two that were ahead were nagging her to keep up. Saying un-encouraging words and telling her to hurry up; you could tell by her body language she felt defeated.

And at the moment, out of no where, I could hear God saying: ‘I love you, can’t you see that?’ And at that moment I was instantly thankful for my roommate, my core, family cores and company. Here’s my partner jogging with me when she could easily run as fast as she could and finish the set course in minutes, but instead she jogs the 30 minutes with me. Every time someone in my company passes me on the track they encourage me to continue on. Every time a core mate runs by they tell me they love me. God has blessed me with such caring, loving and supporting people and I want to just throw all of that way away? God placed these people in my life for a reason; and if they’re not going to give up on me, then why should I give up on myself?

Mysterious Contents of the Box

It’s funny how something you see everyday in your room, something you wear all the time or a dog eared Bible can mean so much to you when you see them again a month later. I got my first package from home today. I was so happy, so excited, so thrilled to get this package. It was huge and covered in tape; it was like Christmas with all the stuff you already had.

Who would have thought that a hoodie would bring such joy to me – well it would bring joy to a person who had been being drowned in a flood and had no protection. Dang you hurricane Ike!

My favorite thing in the box, an orange sweater that accidently got packed; who would have thought it would bring me such joy? Here I am emptying out my box looking at all the shirts, skirts, pants, jackets, posters (PILLAR!!) and books when at the very bottom is an orange sweeter. I starred at it at first; I wasn’t expecting that to be in the box. I took a deep breath and held it tight. I smiled as tears started to come to me – one of my mom’s favorite sweater’s.

I had called and asked my dad to send me some much needed clothes. My dad didn’t want to dig through my stuff so he got my step mom to do it. I told her everything I wanted and told her to grab whatever else she thought looked nice or would keep me warm. I keep a few articles of my mom’s in my room and closet, it just caught me off guard to see that sweater. My step mom had no clue what she had done, but I’m glad that the sweater was packed.

No matter what happens, it seems that my mom is always making her self known. Little things that happen and comfort us; letting us know that she is around. I keep the sweater nicely folded near my bed with Spot and think of my mom often. If it wasn’t for my mom making herself known in small ways, I wouldn’t be here.

Packages from home, they bring more joy then you could ever imagine.




HINT HINT.

ESOAL – RAPTURE!

Oh the dreaded ESOAL is a week and half. Everyone is getting nervous and anxious. Me on the other hand, am dead set against not doing ESOAL. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, ESOAL is the only LTE that isn’t mandatory, I honestly don’t think I can do it. I really don’t.

I’ve slowly, very slowly been raising my endurance; but it’s still no where close where it should be. I’ve been sick the last two and half weeks, which has been keeping me from running. I’ve been having to go to alternate which is where you do more corporate exercises. I can’t catch my breath during the exercises and I can hardly keep up with the pace and counting.

This afternoon my company marched up and down the football field, we were practicing for ESOAL; we will need to march every where during ESOAL and if we don’t do it in the correct manner it will cause us trouble. So here we are marching up and down this field for about an hour and I can’t keep up. I keep falling behind, I can’t keep the tempo and then we start to run. I’m sick, can’t breath, chest is congested; I ended up having to pull myself out and coughed up a lung – not a fun or pretty sight.

I ended up sitting on the side lines as the company finished, there’s just no way I’m going to be able to do ESOAL. I can’t run, can’t keep up in corporate and I can’t march up a field for an hour.

Lord, I’m going to die… Take us now, PLEASE!

TheHopeLine

‘TheHopeLine is a Christian phone-in and on-line chat/text “help line” for teenagers and young adults. It exists as a ministry of Dawson McAllister Association to carry out the Great Commission of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Because we believe “All Scripture is God-breathed and is profitable for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16), we find the basis for what we do and the solutions which we offer in the Scriptures.’
-Taken from TheHopeLine Training Manual Student’s Version

TheHopeLine is another amazing organization that we interns at Teen Mania have the chance to work in. There are three calling centers all over the United States and Teen Mania has the privilege to be one of them. Every Sunday interns go into the ATF calling center and answer phone calls from hurting and lost teens and young adults. Most people call to just have some one listen and to feel like someone cares, others call to get information and help, others call because they’re at their wits end and want to give up; no matter what the situation is interns are there to talk and help them through it.

Today we had a training session; TheHopeLine is optional, it’s on a volunteer bases, but you wouldn’t know that with all the people that attended. It continues to blow my mind of how eager people at Teen Mania are to help, support, encourage and motivate.

The session was eye-opening; I would suggest everyone to take it if they could. The session wasn’t just about how to prevent a suicide, what to do when dealing with abuse or drug overdose; they didn’t give you skills just for these situations but for life – oh, the motto of the Honor Academy.

They taught you skills of how to get details, how to think rationally and how to bring Christ up in a conversation. TheHopeLine might be a help phone line for people who are hurting and of the “world” but it also shows them Christ’s love and opens them into a world of his saving grace.

I’m defiantly getting more out of the Honor Academy then I ever thought: training, skills, love, support, knowledge, relationships and HOPE.

Life Transforming Event's

Life Transforming Events

‘Life Transforming Events (LTE) usually take place on Friday and Saturday, they will stretch and grow you spiritually, mentally, physically, and as well as emotionally. These events will teach you how to work as a team, as and individual, and most importantly, to depend on God. From these events you will learn lessons that you can take with you for the rest of your life.’
-Taken from Teen Mania’s Honor Academy Intern Handbook
LTE’s are meant to test you, push you to your edge and break you to the core. They help you realize that you cannot live your life without God’s help. LTE’s also help you overcome any hurdles that you might have inside yourself and help you become a stronger healthier you. E.S.O.A.L (Emotionally Stretching Opportunity of a Lifetime) takes place in about a week and half; and I am scared to death of it. E.S.O.A.L is the hardest LTE of the Honor Academy, but it is also the most favorite of past interns.

E.S.O.A.L is a 3-5 day event that can take place anytime within a 48 hour time period. You are not told when E.S.O.A.L starts and you are not told when it will end. You’re taken into the woods of the Teen Mania campus and are challenged mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually for the entire event time. You are given tasks of physical and mental endurance and are pushed to the point of breakage. Within this event, you are allowed to “ring-out” which states that you have had enough and can no longer be pushed; you are however not allowed to ring out for the first eight hours.

E.S.O.A.L strikes fear into many interns, including myself. We have been hearing rumors of past events and the tasks they were set to do – again, these are rumors (untrue) but they do scare us. The “what-if’s” and the fear of the unknown drive us insane. We don’t know what to expect or what to think, our imaginations run wild.

For the last three weeks, we have been training to get ready for E.S.O.A.L. Thus the reason for corporate everyday, once E.S.O.A.L is over we will end up doing it once a week until the new interns come in January and then we’ll train for the next biggest LTE. But that is another story and another blog; handle one LTE at a time.

Training for E.S.O.A.L has been rather rough; waking at early hours, doing countless sets of exercises and running miles all at once – it’s rather intense to throw yourself into if you’re not use to it. But it’s nothing compared to E.S.O.A.L. During E.S.O.A.L the commander will speak out random sets of an exercise and you have to do them instantly; no matter how tired, exhausted or sleepy you are, and you have to do them perfectly.

Did I mention that you will be sleep deprived while doing this? During the entire event of E.S.O.A.L you might get around three hours, four if you’re lucky of sleep. But you will not be doing this alone; you will have your company with you and your platoon.

A company has about 30-35 people in it, which are broken down into platoons, which have about 6-8 people. Our company name is “Virginia,” yes the state. We have to learn everything we can about Virginia because we will be tested on our knowledge of the state. That is just one of the many ways they test us mentally.

Ways we will be tested mentally during E.S.O.A.L: we have to memorize seven verses (in order), memorize the HA hymnal, memorize this grid they gave us, memorize our states song (our state has two), memorize any random information we can find about Virginia, come up with three concordances and memorize them, and finally but certainly not least – we have to find out as much information about our major, captain and lieutenant.

Not only do we have to give out random information and do sets on command but we will also have to be walking, running and marching for countless hours; in mud, water, concrete, sand and dirt. For the entire time of E.S.O.A.L we will be covered in dirt and mud. What a joy.

So recap: No sleep, walking, running, marching, exercise and memorization all nonstop for about 90 hours. Why am I doing this again? Not to mention the obstacle courses they put us through.

We had an alumni come and speak the first week we were here. They graduated the HA and went into the military, they said that E.S.O.A.L was harder then all of their training combined.

… Thank you, I feel all warm and fuzzy now…

The Wanting of My Soul

It truly is amazing what worship can do, how healing it can be. Being at HA, you really do get run down. You’re constantly moving, have classes and work to attend to, and are constantly being challenged to push yourself harder. It’s easy to get run down, tired, exhausted and drained. You don’t even realize how un-energized you are. You start to follow the motion and keep up, you loose you’re focus and try to just meet the standard.

Being at HA is harder then I could have imagined; and nothing could have gotten me ready for it. I find myself saying that over and over, only because it’s true. Once you think you can’t stand any more, you’re pushed to a higher level and you realize that you can handle more, that you can do more and that you are capable.

And yes, being stretched and pushed are amazing and grow you tremendously; but some times, you need down time and quiet time with God. And chapel is a precious and wonderful time for this. I was really starting to miss it. The first week at HA we had chapel multiple times a day and now we only have it once or twice a week. Worship truly is a time of healing and connecting with God.

I was having such a hard time; I was tired, exhausted and weak. I was fighting within myself and found it hard to be “strong” all the time. I found myself moving in the motions but not giving my all; I was drained. But those few short minutes in worship, made me realize once again why I’m here.

God brought me here for a reason, he has something great planned for my life and he brought me to HA for a purpose. I still haven’t been able to figure that out, but I know in time God will reveal it to me. I just have to be patient and not remove my eyes from the goal – Christ.

Prayer Power

Since I first arrived to the HA, I was amazed with how everyone acts around here. Going to a Christian high school, I have been surrounded by a “religious” school for a few years; but nothing would have prepared me for HA. Everyone is so open, caring, loving and supportive; they speak freely of God and worship him openly, they hold nothing back. It’s just so amazing to see people so rooted in Christ; being placed in an atmosphere like HA is too grand to express in words. And the friendships that you acquire – are irreplaceable.

Being here for only a short two weeks I have already made friendships that I know will be strong and positive. Knowing that you can sit next to someone and pour your heart to them, and they’ll just love you more for trusting them; is a feeling unbelieved.

It just blows my mind of how open people are here and how thoughtful they are. Groups of people come together, and pray for someone who is ill or going through a hard time. It’s amazing to see huddles of people all over praying for one another – indescribable.

We truly are a family, a little unit.

Rock Stars in the Kitchen

Now that we have our permanent cores, we now have these things called “family” cores; they consist of two female cores and one male core (brother and sister cores). We finally met our brother and sister cores this past Friday, that in it self was an adventure. So besides our little Friday get together our CA’s (Core Advisors) thought we needed more “family bonding” time. So we were signed up for kitchen duty on Sunday. Haha, I think that might be the last time they pair this certain group of people up again.
One of the requirements for Sunday, each group (3) had to come up with a certain “look” and wear it. The first thing out of our ACA’s (Assistant Core Advisor) mouth was 80’s; not all the girls were into that, the guys really couldn’t care less. Friday ends and we leave the whole “outfit situation” unresolved, Saturday rolls around (still nothing), and then Sunday comes. We (girls) all woke up kind of late, so we wake up realize we have about an hour and half to get ready and head to the café. We head into overdrive mode and think frantically of what to wear.

The 80’s theme was still in mind, but not many of us were into it. So we were set to brainstorm, and me being as obsessed as I am with music came up with “rock stars.” Everyone loved the idea. The one down side to all of this, the guys had no clue we had changed the clothes on them. Here we, the girls, strut in as Rock Stars and the boys in 80’s getup. It was so funny to see. We ended up fixing up the boys and said it was rock n roll from all decades. It turned out rather nicely.

The rest of the day was filled with tricks, pranks, flying objects, running out of food, and tiring energy; but over all it was a blast. Defiantly a family core bonding moment.

Check out the pictures of the day here.

Nappy Time?

“The leaders of the world are always tired.”
-Unknown

I don’t know where I first heard this saying, but I’ve heard it quite often since I’ve been here at HA. HA is supposed to be teaching us discipline, honor, integrity and of course leadership. So when one of the interns speaks that they’re tired or exhausted, another intern who’s trying to be smart will most likely speak this quotation. All I have to say is: Boy, aint that the truth!

Since I’ve been here at the HA, almost two weeks (13 days), I’ve honestly haven’t acquired sleep that would amount to 48 hours. I’ve gotten maybe two and half, maybe three hours of sleep a night. We’re always moving, always doing something, always working, always learning, always walking/running, always in class, we hardly get a few moments to ourselves – and when we do, we take full advantage of it.

Some of us just want off the campus, so when we get the chance we attack someone with a car and bribe them to take us some where. Some of us need “alone” time, you never realized how precious those moments are until you’re living with five other people in a tiny room and are surrounded by 700+ other people on a campus. And a mass majority of us need SLEEP.

When we do have down time (especially during the day), it’s funny to walk down a dorm hallway – it’s a ghost town. No one to be found or seen. Little papers on doors asking to be quite when you enter the room. And when you do enter the room little lumps on the bed are found curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed.

“You never realize how precious something is until it’s gone.”
-Unknown

Yes, I know that saying is usually spoken for more drastic things; but why not the lack of sleep? Sleep is the body’s way of telling us that we’re tired and that we need rest. Aw, sleep. That’s a heavenly word here.

Again you never realize how the little things in life could mean so much.

I’m a girl who went to sleep at 1am and then got up at 10am. Who did nothing all day. Just relaxed, laid on the bed, played online and ate meals. And then I throw myself (willingly) into a structured organization. What was I thinking?

That the HA could give me life experience and maybe guidance. Since I’ve been here, everything I thought I was/could do/wanted/desired has completely changed. And no, I’m not being over dramatic. Completely separating yourself from the world and devoting yourself completely to God can truly make a difference in such a short amount of time. I’m scared and anxious all at once to see what will happen in this short year.

And to achieve all of this, if I need to lack sleep then I’ll do it.

“We spend half of our lives sleeping. And for what?”
-Unknown

By the way, I got a nice nap in today. Thank goodness for ministry placement and B schedule!

Ministry Placement – Woo hoo!

We’ve been waiting impatiently for the last week and half to see where we will be placed for our ministry placement. We are told to go to the auditorium 45 minutes earlier so that we can be placed in alphabetical order. Who knew we had so many new interns? I weaved myself through the long lines making my way up to the C’s. Its times like these that I’m thankful I have a last name high in the alphabet, I was able to stand in the nice cool lobby while the lower letters had to stand in the heat. Not to mention I was one of the first ones to be seated and to be called. Being a C has its advantages.

We’re let into the auditorium as we’re seated by last names and wait for everyone else to come in. We sit there for about half an hour until everyone is seated. We’re all pretty nervous and excited. We can’t wait to hear where we will be working for the next year. Everyone is stating where they want to work and where they don’t want to work, the suspense is killing us!

And finally it’s time to begin. The first two rows stand and walk to the front as names start to be called. Its set up “gradation style,” your name gets called, you walk up the side steps walk across the stage shake all the hands of people in leadership for Teen Mania and Honor Academy, then walk down the other side steps and back to your seat where you’re seated. Once half of the row in front of you is seated, you’re to stand up and walk to the end of the standing line.

First row goes, names called, second row goes, more names called, third row goes, even more names called, fourth row goes… THAT’S ME! Our row jumps to our feet and runs to the end of the line, we’re even more impatient now. In seconds we will know where we will be placed.

The entire week we’ve been told that the ministry placement leaders, managers and HA board has been praying for us, that God will place us in the spot that he wants us and can use us; some of us have even been praying for ourselves – we might be a little bias though.

The names of a couple people ahead of me are called, I hold my breath. Jobs are called: ATF call center, kitchen crew, GE call center, facilities, ATF call center – Stella Cordova… CCM. I smile brightly as there’s a slight hop in my step as I walk up the stairs and shake people’s hands. Joy overfills me. I walk past the manager of CCM as he smiles shakes my hand: “Welcome to the team!” I smile and nod: “Thank you.” I finish the walk of shaking hands as I walk down the steps and to my seat. I sit and do a little chair dance as the row behind me stands and goes.

CCM! Yes! Out of all the ministry placements that I could have gotten, CCM was at the top of my list. Being able to work on the E-Strategies team would be a dream come true! I would be sitting at a computer all day; working on the Internet; learning how to make, edit and maintain websites; learn to use new programs (Photoshop, mass blaster, etc.); help brainstorm new ideas and projects; have the chance to help complete projects for ATF – that will be seen by THOUSANDS of teenagers; hang out in an environment that is nothing but pure creativeness and craziness; help make, film and edit videos; the possibilities of CCM are endless – Center of Creative Minds runs everything media oriented for all Teen Mania organizations, and I am being given the chance to experience this; wow.

Skulls = Death

So it seems like my little punk gothic ways are starting to get the best of me. That was one problem I knew I was going to have when I got to the HA; I knew I would have to change my “fashion” style. I was dreading it a bit. I really didn’t want to change the way I looked, but I knew it was a must; plus changing your clothes is a small price to pay to get the experience you receive at the HA. I had to get an entirely new wardrobe; I spent months trying to find “brighter” clothes then what I usually wore. I love how my brightest new piece of clothing is a plum colored shirt; I don’t care for bright color’s much.

Here I am, at home, packing the day before I leave for the HA. Trying to pack all my new clothes and dreading having to leave all my black, gray, boots and gothic attire at home. The one thing that did make the cut, were these little plastic skull rubber bands. There about an inch and half wide and about two inches tall, plastic and in the shape of a skull. I love the rubber bands and they bring me joy every time I think of them. I packed them, along with my solid black cross and star; and left everything else at home.

Arriving to the HA, I wasn’t too thrilled with having to wear “brighter” clothes but I did do it with a ‘joyful’ heart. And to be honest some of the shirts are starting to rub off on me (the darker ones – HAHA!).

This past Sunday all the interns had to go to a neighboring church for service. We were all pretty excited, not only were we able to experience another church but we were also able to get off campus! Yes!

Getting ready for church, I didn’t really think about what I was wearing: a black skirt, dark cameo brown shirt and the cute little skulls in my hair. We head outside, wait for the shuttle and head to the church. I have to say, that was a very exciting trip. The church was about five minutes away, but interns who have been conformed to a campus for over a week could make a party out of anything.

We get to the church, walked in and took our seats; and there was when people started to notice my hair. One of my Gauntlet Core roommates noticed my hair and asked what I was wearing. I looked at my clothes and said that it was appropriate; she then pointed to my hair. I moved my hand to the skulls and smiled: “They’re cute.” “They represent death and are evil.” “They are not. They’re a fun and cool accessory.” She shook her head and walked away.

She wasn’t the only one to notice my hair before the service, other interns started to whisper about my hair and one told me to take the skulls out. I sat in my chair and listed to the sermon, the skulls tightly in my hair. After the service the same roommate came up to me again and once again talked to me about my skulls. I told her they meant nothing, just something fun to wear. She then went on to say that her father would never allow her to buy anything with skulls. I smiled and laughed as I lifted my purse, the design of skulls and cross-bones along with pink hearts; “My dad bought me this.” She looked at me, mouth wide open and in shock. The people around us also gapped.

Returning back to campus I asked a friend on the bus what she thought of the whole “skull” situation. She had the same thought as me. The next day I sat with some other friends at lunch and I started to explain what had happened the day before. Neither knew I was the one with the skulls, but they had heard and seen them. At this point, I was starting to get a little annoyed.

After lunch I went back to the dorm and asked my other roommates. They also said what the Gauntlet roommate had said: Skulls = Death. “But that’s not true.” “It might not be true, but that is what the church thinks.” “I wear them all the time to my church, along with other skulls. I never had problems before.” They shook their heads and shrugged. “It just wasn’t the time or place. You have to respect the atmosphere of the church.” I sighed and nodded.

Who would have thought that a little pair of plastic skulls would cause such a stir? That doesn’t mean that I won’t wear them any more, I will. I just have to be more cautious and aware of where and when I wear them.

Plus, if Building 429 and Pillar thought they rocked – they must be cool.

Ha ha.

School of Worship

Coming to the HA I had two goals in mind.

Goal one: Grow in Christ, become disciplined, and become the godly women God wants me to be.
Goal two: Earning a spot in the School of Worship and honing my (lack of) musical skill.

At home I practiced and practiced, trying to learn and sharpen my knowledge of the piano. I spent tons of hours with my aunt leaning new songs and trying to perfect them. I spent countless hours online looking for songs to play and then practicing them. Countless hours of sitting at a piano and wishing that it would explode. Countless hours of singing and playing the piano. And to be honest, I thought I had come a long way in the short amount of time I had prior to arriving to HA.

I had my whole year at HA planned out. I would come to HA, learn and grow in Christ; then enter School of Worship and perfect my musical skills and learn to write amazing, beautiful and life-changing songs. But sadly, God didn’t have that in mind for me. Some times it’s hard to remember that it’s God’s will and not yours.

When I was called to do my audition I was so nervous, I couldn’t remember the notes, the keys, and the pitch. I was so nervous. After my audition they told me that I had courage and if I kept at it I could probably do great, but for the time being I was just not what they were looking for. Their words pierced my heart.

Music is my life; I constantly have it on, constantly singing words to a lyric and constantly reference songs and bands to everyday situations. And I feel like I am to glorify God with music. So when I was told that I wasn’t going to be accepted, I felt like a part of me had died; a part of me that had kept me alive for a long time. And then when the list of names of people who were accepted into SOW was posted, I tried so hard to force myself not to look; but I couldn’t. Looking at that list and not seeing my name, confirmed that the door of SOW was closed; for the time being.

Looking around and seeing so many happy people, so excited and proud that they had gotten in; broke my heart. A good friend that I made on the bus the first day heading to HA had tried out and he made it. I was so happy and proud of him, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. Looking at the names on the list and seeing all the people who were excited that they were accepted – I noticed that almost everyone who had tried had gotten accepted.

At that moment, Satan had a crack to squeeze in through; and he took it. Ever since the day I was told I was most likely not going to be accepted Satan was using that tab bit of sad information against me to keep me from worshiping God.

Again, music is my core inner being. So being able to worship God is a time that I cherish and look forward to everyday. It’s a time where it’s just me and God, where I can go and crawl into his lap and love on him. And Satan had invaded that sacred moment.

He filled my head with doubts, regret and bitterness; feeding me lies that God couldn’t hear my worship. That I wasn’t worthy to worship and bitterness that God gave me this passion but then didn’t give the means. I struggled for days after the audition to get back into the comfort, sacred and loving place that God and I once shared; but once that list was posted Satan used all those lies again to keep me from God.

I was so upset, furious and hurt; I didn’t know what to think, what to say or how to react. I didn’t know how to worship God any more. The inner music in my soul had been shunned out. The door I once used to feel God, the only way I knew God was now closed and I didn’t know how to reopen it. I constantly find myself crying out to God; I know he thinks I’m a cry baby – ha. I sat and I spoke to him, I didn’t worship, I didn’t cry, didn’t plead, I just spoke to God and I realized that God didn’t place this sadness in my life to hurt me, but to make me stronger. And that I was feeding off of the lies of Satan and that I needed to kick him out of the sacred moments that God and I shared.

Sitting in worship seeing hundreds of people around me worshiping freely and moving in the Spirit, again a ting of bitterness rose up in me. And that was when I realized that yes not making SOW was a sad moment, it was a sad thing but there was a reason and just because it was sad it didn’t mean that I couldn’t worship and spend that time with God once again. For who is better to make you happy again but God?

Why would I give Satan the satisfaction of making me sad, why would I let him win the battle of my mind and heart?

Sitting still that night of worship I talked to God and it was just like old worship times. I finally realized that I didn’t need loud music and fast beat’s to speak and praise God. I just needed to come to him full heartedly and be with him.

All he wants is my love and attention and nothing else. I can worship him in so many other ways other then music, and that night I realized that.

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
– Philippians 4:13
The devil really seems to want to keep me down. I mean, I know that is his purpose is to seek and destroy. But I didn't think it would be this hard, that seems to be my statement for my entire Honor Academy experience. Since I started to pack weeks ago to head down here, I knew I was unprepared. Even though I took plenty of time to prepare and physic up myself, I found myself at the last moment struggling to get everything done. And then as soon as I got here and placed my first step on the HA ground, I knew I was in for a fight.

HA is nothing of what I expected. Everything I thought and knew is completely different. The first thing that the Executive Director made known was that: We were all here for a reason, it was no chance that we had made it this far. He went on to explain that everyone had been praying for us, that God would lead the right people to come, and that we would learn much from our one year at the Honor Academy.

To be honest, I thought nothing of this. Growing up in church, half my life, I've always heard this: Pray that God will lead the right people to come, pray that the people who need to come will come, pray for God's will, etc. And honestly, viewing all the "praying" and wishing for God's "will" never really turned out well. I grew to think it was just something that everyone said but never really meant it. And now I think differently about that.

This first week (Yes, I've ONLY been here for a week. Feels like months.) has taught me so much, and I know that's so cliché; but it's so true. I've never felt more at peace in my life. I feel content and know that I can do this with God's help. I can't rely on myself, I've always relied on my own strength; and I'm not that strong, so I would always fail. But now, I'm starting to learn that I need to trust in God and let him encourage and strengthen me.

Believe me; it wasn't easy for me to come to this conclusion, it took me six days. Saturday morning, I was energetic and I was hopeful. I woke up early and was ready for Corporate; I didn't walk the track very well, but I did give it my all. Sunday, woke up went to Corporate and walked a little more. Monday, woke up went to Corporate again and this, this was where Satan had it in for me. I was determined to walk the whole course, I was determined that I would also run a bit.

I walked a bit and then ran, then walked then ran; I continued this cycle for a while with my partner, I wouldn't run far though – only a few steps. She was determined to get me to push myself, so she set up goals for me to reach; the last goal was to run the entire length of the pavilion. I started at the back and headed towards the front, I was running really well, I was starting to get hope that I could do this, that I could run this track and that it wouldn't defeat me. We got half way, I smiled and started pushing harder and the, I fell into a pot hole. My foot slipped into it for a second causing me to slow down, my ankle to twist and running into my partner.

In panic I stopped for a second to regain myself and started to walk again, I started to cry as my partner hugged me. It scared the heck out of me. I was running and out of no where I miss-stepped and it caused me to weave. How many times does that happen to us in life? How many times do we think we know what's right for us, do it and then fall into a hole? How many times do we know God's will yet chose to disobey and end in a place we would rather not be?

That's me. That's my life right there. The devil knew that in that instant that I miss-stepped that he could come in and take me down and he tried. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I took deep breaths, shook my head and held back my tears as I picked up my pace once again and ran to the goal we had placed before us. It was a mini victory, but a victory nonetheless for me.

Later that day I was walking to my dorm with a friend, she was on the sidewalk and I was on the grass; another miss-step and I found myself in another pot hole. This time I completely went down on my ankle and twisted it badly. I stood up straight and limped back to my room. I was okay a few hours later but the next morning it hurt to walk, let alone run or do exercise. I pushed myself so hard to do something (the day before) that was so hard for me at full strength, now at half.

I was able to do Corporate and was able to walk the track: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. But my foot still hurt. Each day it got a little easier to walk as the day went on, but the morning was killer. It hurt to wake up so early, walk to the avail and then do exercise; it was painful, very. But I was determined that I wouldn't let the pain get to me. I was determined that I would do the exercise and the track.

I woke up this morning and again my foot was hurting me. It hurt more then the days before. I walked to the avail with a limp; I was hardly able to keep up with the exercises, and then we had to do the track. Again, I was determined not to let the pain hold me back. I walked up the slightly steep (small) hill to the starting place and jogged for a bit, one of my roommates came next to me and urged me on. She had been my partner a few days before. She kept me motivated, kept me moving and kept quoting scripture to me: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

She set up goals for me and I made them; but I would make goals myself, I was determined to go father then what she set up. We kept going by light posts: "Start running here and go to the next post and then stop." I was determined to pass the one she told me and go to the next one; surprisingly enough, I did. By the time we had finished the course, I had ran 1/4 of the 1.2 track. I was so proud. I seriously doubted that I would ever be able to run the track. But now that I know I can do a quarter of it, I now have the confidence to do the rest.

Shield of Kindness

The new August interns of 2008 made Gauntlet history this past week; it rained for four days straight. Now some people might think: “Well, because it’s raining they might limit or postpone some of the activities.” No - not at all. We still had to wake up at 5am and run in the rain, had to walk in the rain to class and worship, and had to walk in the rain to job testing – well some of us had to walk in the rain for that; I was one of the lucky few who had the pleasure of that.

Right after worship one morning, they called out a long list of people’s names to come to the front. After everyone had left, except for the names on the list, we found out that we had to do some job testing. At HA you have a working internship; some of the jobs you can do is be a caller (Acquire the Fire, BattleCry, Honor Academy & Global Expeditions), kitchen crew (help prepare, serve & clean the kitchen), facilities (clean and maintain the grounds), IT (maintain computers and networks), CCM (Center of Creative Media – help create the media that all Teen Mania uses), and some other job (secretary, assistant, etc.). Now in some of these jobs you need special skills, so before they place you in that ministry they test your skills to see if you will be able to hold your ground. I was lucky enough to be called into the CCM group.

So here we are walking towards the CCM building which is about half a mile off to the side of the HA main campus. At first it was bright and sunny, the birds were chirping and we were loving life. Out of no where it starts to sprinkle, we’re thinking: “Its okay, only a few drops of rain won’t hurt us.” As soon as we turn the corner to walk up the slight incline of the hill to hit the CCM driveway it starts to pour down like there’s no tomorrow. There’s a group of about 15 of us, some of us pulled out umbrella’s, some ran for their lives up the hill and others tagged along in the back – I was one of the tag alongs’.

Here we are walking up this hill, in the next Noah’s flood, as cars are zooming up and down this road. We’re trying to walk to the side so we don’t get in their way or hit. So, we’re still walking when this car slows down, honks and opens the door, the driver calls me over hands me an umbrella, closes the car door and drives away. I look at this umbrella open it and run back to the group of people I was walking with to help shield them from the rain; and then I begin to laugh. I have no clue who that guy was that handed me this umbrella.

We finish our nice little walk in the flood as we reach the CCM building and enter it; they break us into groups as they tell us which tests we will perform. We’re taken into different rooms and are talked to about CCM and what we will do if we are placed there. We take our tests and then are let go. I walk back down the hill with the umbrella in hand as I continue to laugh.

“Some random guy in a car, slowed down, opened the door, handed me this umbrella, closed the door and then drove away;” I told my roommates as I entered the dorm. They stared at me and laughed.

The things that happen at the HA.

Week One at the HA

Today is my fifth day at the Honor Academy and it seems so much longer. Everything that I've been exposed to and have had to experience seems too great to have had all happened in five days. I'm having a great time; I enjoy all the activities (even Corporate). You defiantly never know how far you can stretch yourself and how much you can achieve until you are force to.

We wake up every morning at 5am and get dressed for Corporate. We then head outside to the pavilion and start exercise at 5:30am. We do stretches and different types of exercise for about half an hour to 45mins and then we run a 1.2 mile track that circles the campus. I won't lie, I want to die every time I run (walk) that track. I've been surprising myself each day though.

The first day I was only able to walk about one fourth of it; the second day, one half; third day all of it and then today I ran more then the other days and walked about 1.5 (they added in another part) miles in the cold pouring rain.

I was very surprised that I could push myself that far, countless times I wanted to stop and give up; but I didn't. My core was by my side rooting me on. Daily, girls in my core and surrounding cores are coming up to me saying that I encourage them.

My core consists of ten other girls, five of which are my room mates. These are our temporary cores until we get into our permanent dorms. Our cores are to help us make friends easier and quickly when we first arrive. Also, so that we can have tight knit families to rely, reach out to, lean and depend on.

The first week at the Honor Academy is called Gauntlet, this week consists of intense classes, activates, and studying. Following the Gauntlet we head into Orange Block which is where we are restricted to do and have certain things. We are trying to detach ourselves from the world and focus on the Lord. Some things that we are restricted of are: sugar, texting, limited Internet time, phone calls, leaving campus and sleeping over.

At the moment all the interns are in the middle of job placement; to determine where we would best fit to do our working internship. We had interviews yesterday and call interviews today. We should know where we are working for the internship next Tuesday.

This Friday we will be having a diner ceremony where we will be asked to commit the entire year to the Honor Academy. We will abide to the rules, code of honors and mission statements; and of course devote this year to God to seek what he has for our lives.

Then Saturday we will move into our permanent dorms where we will stay for the rest of the year. And this will also be the first time we will be allowed to leave the campus since we came. We're all super excited and counting down the days to where we will be able to go to Wal-Mart and get some much needed things.

Out of everything that the Honor Academy has to offer, I have to say that worship is my favorite. I'm sad to say that I didn't quiet make the school of worship requirements, but I am determined to continue working at my skill and hopefully I can make it next year.

Over all, these very short last few days have been better then what I could ever expect. Can't wait to see what the upcoming weeks hold.

Honor Academy Support Letter

Dear Friends and Family:

For the last month and a half I've been in a panic trying to get ready to attend "The Honor Academy" located in Garden Valley, Texas beginning this coming August. The Honor Academy is a one year internship sponsored by Teen Mania Ministries, a youth mission's organization. During the 12 month internship I will learn to lead with honor and integrity, learn the compassion of Jesus Christ and find the path of ministry and service for my life. During this year I will be working with Teen Mania ministries within one of their various ministries such as "Acquire the Fire" youth conventions. Acquire the Fire is a youth convention that takes place all over the United States that helps thousands of young people make good choices that will effect them for a lifetime. Teen Mania also literally sends thousands of youth on mission trips to improvise nations throughout the world each summer and I will have the privilege to attend one myself.

I have attended a few Acquire the Fire events myself and leaving each event put a fire in me to continue on the path that God has placed before me. The very first Acquire the Fire event that I attended instilled in me, that I am not alone and that God will never leave my side. Being able to help place that fire and security into someone else, is an amazing opportunity I thought I would never be able to do. Now I will have the privilege to help set up and run one of the organizations that changed my life.

At my first Acquire the Fire event not only did I learn about God and his undying grace and forgiveness but I was also exposed for the first time to positive Christian music and since then I have listened to nothing else.

Within the Honor Academy they have a music program called the School of Worship. In this special program I will learn to play, write, compose, and lead worship and also have a chance to meet well known artists in the Christian music world. Since my first Acquire the Fire event four years ago music has become my life. I was introduced into a music world that encourages a walk with Jesus Christ, living in purity, standing up for your faith, and living fearlessly for Christ. Over the years my love for music has grown. I've been able to learn to play the piano and sing. My hopes are that I will be able to use these talents to praise God and encourage others. Being able to attend the School of Worship would be an experience that I will not only remember my entire life, but it will also teach and equip me to help others who are lost, alone and have no hope like I found myself in the past.

In today's youth 30% self mutilate, one out of ten has attempted suicide and 71% have tried drugs. I sadly have fallen into a few of these percentiles. The only thing that pulled me out of the darkness of the world and keeps me from giving up and falling back into those hurts and pains is the hope and love that I receive from Christ. I hit rock bottom in my life and starred death in the eye many times. The only thing and the only one that could save me was Christ, and he did.

I want to be able to take my life experiences, the knowledge of the Honor Academy and the teachings of the School of Worship so that I can help people who are lost or struggling know that there is hope and that someone cares.

I am very excited to start my internship with Honor Academy this fall but at the same time I am apprehensive to start this adventure. Honor Academy will mentally, physically, and emotionally test and stretch me. I ask that you would join me in prayer these next 12 months that God will give me the guidance, patience, strength, courage and knowledge to do and show me what he has planned for my life. Your prayers will be a key part of seeing lives change during my year at The Horner Academy.

If you would like to help me financially, please send a check to:

Teen Mania's Honor Academy
P.O. Box 2000
Lindale, TX 75771-2000

When sending a check please include on a sticky note my first and last name (Stella Cordova) along with my ID number 2500196. Please make sure that the memo line is blank. Also, you can do so online at: honoracademy.com/donate; you will only need my ID number.

At the moment I have enough funds to attend The Honor Academy but I don't have enough for the School of Worship program, which is an extra $3,000.00.

When donating please email me at stellastarcordova@yahoo.com for I would like to thank you personally.

If you would like to be updated monthly during my internship year please let me know by emailing me at stellastarcordova@yahoo.com and I will make sure to keep you informed.

I appreciate your time in reading this and for your prayers. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Thank You,
Stella Star Cordova