It will be Okay

The last few years have been hard on me in many ways, but one key issue that continues to make me doubt and have fear - is finances.

When I first started to “live my own life,” I relied heavily on a family that was helping me get on my own feet. Before them, I relied heavily on my dad for everything I needed. After I was able to (semi) provide for myself, I was able to not rely as much on the family or on my dad. However, things happen and I end up having to rely/ask for help.

One person, that is always there for me, and I know will always be there for me – is my dad. This past summer I borrowed money from my dad. He told me that he wanted the money by Christmas. At the time, I had no doubt in my mind that I would be able to pay him back. But, as life goes my circumstances changed and it became less and less of a reality that I would be able to pay him back.

The last few weeks, I’ve been getting more hours and working extra shifts. I’ve been trying to get extra money anywhere I can. When I received my check this past week, I was extremely blessed to find that I was given enough money to pay back my dad.

I came home after depositing the check and went to my file folder to grab my checkbook but couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere in the file folder. I than started to look throughout my room, but still couldn’t find it. Through this whole situation, I continued to tell myself that it would be fine and that my checkbook was somewhere in my room.

However, I couldn’t help but to feel as if everything was against me to pay my dad back. I try so hard to make him proud of me. I try so hard to do things that he would approve of. I don’t like when I disappoint him.

While in a high emotional panic of looking for my checkbook, I stopped and prayed that I would be able to find my checkbook to pay my dad back. I than cleaned up my room, while looking for the checkbook, and once again looked through my file folder. And right where it always is, I found my book.

I took the checkbook out of the file, wrote my check and placed the checkbook back. I than drove to the post office and mailed the package, along with the check, that I had for my dad for Christmas.

I got a call from my dad today saying he received the package.

“Thank you for the card, and the check. I had completely forgotten about the money. Thank you for keeping your word… I’m proud of you. At least I know you got one thing from me. My word.”

My dad always jokes that I’m my mother’s daughter. He also says that he’s very glad that I got most of her traits, morals and principles. He always says that he’s happy I’m more like her, than like him. To hear my dad say that he’s proud of me and that he’s glad that I got a trait from him – makes me happier than I can express.

I don’t get my dad’s verbal approval often, but to know that he recognizes the attempts I’m making gives me hope that one day everything will be okay.

Merry Christmas

This is my first Christmas, where I’ve been away from family. I’ve always celebrated this holiday with one form of a family. It’s been a very hard and difficult day. And, the fact that I feel alone on this special day isn’t helping very much.

I know this holiday is one that is supposed to be filled with remembrance of our saviors’ birth. Yes, I am very thankful that Jesus chose to come to earth as a human child and then chose to die for me so I wouldn’t have to – die.

However, the holiday is also supposed to be a holiday where we spend time with family and reflect on our love for one another. At least, that’s what I believe this holiday is supposed to be. I believe that Christmas has a double meaning; a day for remembrance of our savior and for reflection of our family.

And even though I can celebrate and remember my saviors’ birth on my own (and with God), I can’t have the love and care of my family on my own. I guess that’s what I’m missing the most this holiday- feeling the love of my family.

I know my Lord loves me. I’ve finally learned that. However, sometimes I can’t or don’t believe that others can or do love me. Holidays filled with close friends and family help to instill that in me.

Being unable to have a “normal” holiday this past year has really been taking its toll on me.

I can’t wait to be with my family again. I really miss them.

Eye

Not Like the Movies

"Not Like the Movies"
By Katy Perry

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And that's just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And you're, you're looking for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it will be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

The 24th Year

I’m 24 years old, today.

Twenty-Four Years Old.
The week leading to this day, was filled with lots of different emotions. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m so happy that I can celebrate my birth. I’m still in awe that the Lord saw fit to save me from myself. But with all the joy and happiness that came with this day, fear also came with it.

Am I wasting my life?
What do I have to show for 24 years?
What am I doing with this gift that the Lord gave me?

This past year of life, I did a lot struggling. Struggling with myself. Struggling with God. This year has been hard, tough, lonely, and difficult. But I’ve learned a lot about myself. And about God.

I realize this was the perfect time for God to show me He had my back. For the first time in years, my life is stable. So with nothing to worry about (ie: job, home, vehicle, etc.) the Lord was able to work with me on an issue that was very close to my heart.

Even though, I don't feel like I've had a whole lot of growth this year. I know I've learned that I can take care of myself (with the Lord's watchful eye) and that I don't need others to watch over me. I've also learned that I can provide for myself, I don't need people to give me money, food, or a roof over my head. I am able and strong enough to do it myself.

I learned that I can provide myself a living. Something I never thought I could do. I guess deep down, I never believed I would be able to provide for myself.

I also learned that I don't need to be in the middle of a 'spiritual' place to feel the Lord or to have the Lord see me. I learned that anywhere I went the Lord would also be there. He's never going to be far away.

I learned that this is what my 23rd year was for. For me to learn my dependence on the Lord and for the Lord to show me that I'm strong and that He'll never leave.

I can’t believe I’ve made it to see the day of my 24th birthday. The Lord has been with me up to this day, up to this year. And He will be with me for my many years to come.

I’m alive for a reason; I just need to use the years to come to figure out that reason. And if I’m doing that, than I’m not wasting my gift. Because at least I’m trying to do something with it than purposely wasting it like I was.

I’m 24 years old today. Thank you God.

~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Birthday Memories

[Daddy Owl]
[Reference picture]
I wanted an owl cake this year for my birthday. It was a fun and interesting learning adventure.


[Owlets]
I found these owl cupcakes and just had to make them to go with daddy owl.


My Build-A-Bear for my birthday. I named her Melissa.

"voices"

Lately I’ve become obsessed with watching TV series on DVD. I’ve been able to find a lot of my favorite shows at the local library.

One of the shows I was able to find, ‘Touched by an Angel,’ I remember watching this when I was little. I remember watching it on ‘prime time’ with my mother. Mom would sit on her bed and I would crawl behind her and we’d watch it together. I remember the laughter, the tears and the gasps of astonishment.

Re-watching the show, now that I’m older, brings me even more joy. Yes, the show is fiction and no the writers might not have gotten everything correct. But there is truth in the lessons that the “angels” try to bring to the humans they interact with.

One of the episodes I watched tonight, touched close to my heart. A little girl named Melissa was sent to a child psychologist because she was hearing “voices” – angels. Once the doctor spoke to Melissa and found out what the voices were, he instantly diagnosed her as a critical case and placed her on medication. Throughout the episode, Melissa was used as a tool to help heal the doctor. In the end, the doctor believed in God and angels again and Melissa could once again hear the angels once she was taken off the medication.

To the doctor, there was no possibility that Melissa could really be hearing angels. She was either extremely ill or making it up. There was no way that she could really be hearing angels. Growing up, I had this fear. Fear that no one would believe me if I spoke up. That people would label me as ‘weird’ or ‘crazy.’

A few years ago, I went to a Christian counselor and I told them about the “voices” that I heard. For the first time, I admitted to another person that I could hear angels and that I could hear and see demons. I opened up fully and freely, feeling for the first time in my life a sense of relief over this situation.

Later I found out that my worst fear came true. The counselor said that I was a ‘critical’ case and that I was beyond their expertise and recommended that I see a doctor who had more experience in this “issue.” The counselor said that my “voices” were a symptom of my depression.

At that moment, I instantly shut down. I didn’t know how to react to the words that the counselor said. They said very hurtful things, things that I struggled with for weeks. The comments the counselor said rang in my mind.

Was I really a lost cause?
Was I truly sick?
Were the voices my depression playing with my mind?

But God being the merciful savior that He is placed people in my life to pick me up in my weak state. And once again I found the courage to open up about my “voices.” By reopening this part of my life, the Lord healed my broken spirit by letting me met others who also had the gift of ‘seeing.’ He also placed people in my life that had the faith to believe me.

Looking back at that moment of freedom, where I allowed people into that part of my life that I kept hidden, I realize that this was the first brick to be removed from the wall of my harden heart. The fear that I allowed to engulf me kept me from the freedom that I desperately needed.

I hope and pray that others like me and Melissa will be able to find the courage and strength to one day set free the gift that is inside them.

And I pray that when they do, their path won’t cross people that won’t believe in their gift.

Growing Pains

My birthday is a week away.

In seven short days I will be 24 years old.

And I’m slightly freaking out.

Birthdays are a big deal to me. They were a big deal to my mom and are to my aunt. Not being able to celebrate this birthday with family or close friends is making me uncomfortable.

Birthdays have come to mean a lot to me the last few years. And the fact that I have been living so many has me panicked that I’m not putting the years I have been living to good use.

I always thought I’d be dead before my 21st birthday. I never thought I’d live past 20. And now here I am at almost 24 and I still have no clue what I’m doing. Or why I’m alive.

I’m grateful, that the Lord spared my life. That He didn’t open the gates of heaven when I came knocking. I’m just afraid that I’m wasting the extra time He’s given me.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

I Celebrate the Day

"I Celebrate the Day"
By Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
How much You've touched my life

Because here is where You're finding me,
In the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Keep Your Heart Open

Keep your heart open, for as long as you can, as wide as you can, for others and especially for yourself.
—
Morrie Schwartz


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.

Twenty-Cents

No matter how hard I try to keep myself motivated to do laundry once a week, it just doesn’t happen. I usually end up washing every other week, which leaves me with having to do two washes and two dries at the same time. At total of: $5.50.

Today, I gathered my dirty laundry and my laundry soap and then started to count out my change. I knew I had to do two full loads so I started to count out – one dollar, two dollars, three dollars, four dollars and fifty cents.

I was short one dollar. I asked my roommate if she had a dollar in change that I could use, she didn’t. I then proceeded to raid my poor painted piggy bank for extra change.

I am, again, in a place where I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend. Especially at the moment - Thomas is starving, my cabinets are bare and my checking account is in the single dollar digits. So here I am raiding my little piggy bank meant for savings.

I was able to find dimes and nickels; all I needed was twenty cents. I was so close! I went down stairs placed both my loads in and then walked back upstairs to find twenty cents. I was determined to find that twenty cents, I mean how hard is it to find twenty cents?

I came to find out - that it’s extremely hard. I re-raided my piggy, searched through every inch of my wallet and searched through all the containers I keep change in. I found countless pennies, but that wouldn’t work.

The longer I searched the closer it came to me having to switch my clothes from the washer to the drier and I was short on change to dry one load. I decided I would go out to Thomas and raid him. On my way to Thomas I continued to search the ground. You know how when you’re not looking for spare change you find it all the time. Apparently, this concept doesn’t work when you’re actually looking for it.

I raid Thomas and I find fifteen cents. FIFTEEN CENTS! ‘Are you serious?!’ I continued to search through Thomas, threatening him to give up the last five cents - he didn’t.

By this time I’m becoming slightly overwhelmed and annoyed. I gave up on Thomas and decided to go back in. Again, I’m searching the ground for five cents.

‘Really God? I can’t just find five cents! I mean how hard is it to find five cents? Come on Lord! One nickel, I need a nickel! Just give me a dang nickel!!’

I walk back to the apartment, take a deep breath and look around the room. I look through my piggy one more time – nothing. I pick up my wallet, unzip the zipper and there, sitting in the change section is a nickel - one nickel, nothing else. I take the nickel out and hold it in my hand.

And at that exact moment I could hear God say: ‘There’s your dang nickel.’ I close my hand around the nickel, smile and shake my head. No matter how hard times get and how angry or upset I am – the Lord always provides.

And this time, He used me. He used me to provide for myself. Sure, my roommate could have had the change. Or I could have found the change on the ground. Or I could have run into my friend in the elevator sooner and they would have given me the change.

But no – God decided to use my money to provide and not others. He showed me that I can support myself. He showed me, that He will support me through me and that I don’t have to rely or ask others for help - all the time.

‘I’ll always provide for you. And you can provide for yourself. You can do it. You’ll be alright.’

My Heart Belongs to Texas

It’s been a very long time since I’ve really blogged. Sure, I’ve done a few posts the past year documenting past memories. But I haven’t written anything with purpose.

I can’t remember the last time I did an ‘update blog.’ The last time I wrote a blog about what God has done in my life. Or written a blog about what God has taught me. I also haven’t really done any art or read any books. I haven’t done anything artsy or creative.

This past year, I lost myself. The self I worked so hard to find. The self, that took me months to rummage through crap to find. The self that I cried, screamed and fought to set free. I lost her.

I know some might think: “Don’t be so dramatic.” No, I’m not being dramatic and I’m not over reacting. I’m not the person I was when I left Texas. I’m not the happy go lucky, energetic, God loving girl I was when I left. I’ve reverted back to ‘Stella and Star.’

I’m not completely like how I was. I don’t think I could fully be that person again. I changed so much in Texas. I matured in Texas. But I have re-picked up a lot of the characteristics of ‘Stella and Star.’

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to return to Texas. I woke up and the first thing in my mind was that I must go back. I have to go home.

I miss Texas. I miss my friends and the family I created. I miss being around a support system and people that I know love me. I miss feeling safe and protected.

I love Texas. It will always be my home.

All That You Do is Sacred

Now is the time to know that all that you do is sacred... Now is the time for you to deeply compute the impossibility that there is anything but grace.
—
Hafiz


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.

Grief Can be the Garden of Compassion

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love & wisdom.
—
Rumi


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.

Traveling at the Speed of Love

When we travel at the speed of love, we choose to live in a frequency of unconditional love. Today, most of us travel at the frequency of fear and live with a victim consciousness.

When we’re traveling at the fear frequency, no matter how fast we go, we can never get to our destination. The victim consciousness is based on the premise: “I have no choice.” Traveling at the speed of love means taking our power back.

We’re actually in a different universe when we travel at the speed of love. Our world is not a menacing, threatening race geared to cheat death. It becomes, at any moment, so satisfying that if this were our last moment on Earth, that would be okay.

This is not to say that change is easy. To travel at the speed of love might require a complete paradigm shift in the way you look at your everyday existence.

Ask yourself this question: What frequency are you traveling on right now?
—Sonia Choquette
Traveling at the Speed of Love


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.

Skyscrapper

"Skyscrapper"
By Demi Lovato

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Darlin'

"Darlin'"
By Between the Trees

This call is meant to be brief
a simple hello ending with goodbye
Then you say hello
now, I am melting
and now my goodbye
becomes a goodnight
I don't mind if you don't mind
please say you do not mind if this call
goes on all night
cause I have more to say
my afternoon was O.K.
my evening was fine but this night
I want it to be the best night
of our lives

Sweet Darling
this is my confession to
the crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
here's your answer
yes I like you
I don't love you
I can't love you
yet

These calls are getting longer
and these nights go on
and on and on forever
I do believe I'm getting better
knowing you
hopefully all of you
Sitting watching movies
we both know I do not watch a bit of it
cause I am much too busy
leaving my hand close enough
so you'll hold it

Sweet Darling
this is my confession to
the crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
here's your answer
yes I like you
I don't love you
I can't love you

And I can not stop thinking about you
I can not stop wondering
if you're constantly
thinking about me
Don't close your eyes dear I'm still staring
I won't lie dear I'm still breathing
even though your beauty is breath taking

Sweet Darling
this is my confession to
the crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
here's your answer
yes I like you
I can't love you
I can't love you

Longing

Two beings/spirits. Attempting to be together. They long to be together. But they can't. Things hold them back.

Happy July 7th!

Since my mother’s death a few years ago, I refuse to let her birthday and the day she died to be sad. I refuse to allow it to bring me down.

Yes, losing my mother was a hard and difficult thing to work through – but I worked through it. Those days are no longer filled with mourning but with joy!

My mother lived a short life – but she lived a great one. She touched and affected so many people. More people then I think she realized. My mother always thought little of herself. But years later, the things she told me, the things she taught me - ring so clearly in my ear.

My mother’s memory and life are still alive and well. And because of that, I refuse to be sad. I refuse to mourn. I choose to celebrate. I choose to be happy.

My mother is in heaven. She is with the Lord. She is joyful and is no longer in pain.

Now isn’t that a great thing to celebrate?

Happy 7th of July!

Cake and cupcakes I made in remembrance of my mother.

The stars on the cake represent her and me.

My new Build a Bear Ruth, 
named after my mother (her middle name).

Big Top

I went to the circus tonight with some friends. It was so amazing to experience. The animals, the music, the tumbling, the lights and all the phenomenal acts.

My favorite animal act was the white tigers. I loved wild cats as a teenager. I had my whole room decorated with tigers, lions and panthers. My favorite wild cat has always been the white tiger. Being able to see the white tiger up close (from a safe distance) performing different tasks and tricks was such a thrill.

My favorite act were the two strong men. Together they weighed in over 600 pounds. The tricks they performed blew my mind! They lifted each other up, they held each other on their shoulders and with their hands, they twirled each other around on their waist! It was such a breath taking sight to see.

While sitting in the stands, I tried to remember when was the last time I went to a circus. It was six years ago with my mom and my dad.

My mom was sick and one of the things she wanted to do was go to the circus. She had seen signs and advertisement all over town. She had her mind set on getting herself there. Sure enough, we made a family outing of it. We bought drinks, treats and souvenirs. It was a nice family outing.

I'm glad that I can look back at both these memories and find them 'happy.'

Welcome Home

In the middle of worship I felt lead to kneel. I went to my knees, bowed my head and folded my hands in my lap. Kneeling I started to worship the Lord. I could feel His presence.

I continued to sing. "Majesty. Majesty."

I could sense the Lord in front of me. He smiled at me and said "Welcome home. Even for a moment."

I stopped moving and singing and sat in his presence. I then sensed that that the Lord placed His hand on my forehead and said "Go. Be free. Be free." I could feel things fleeing from me. I felt freer. I sensed darkness melting off me. "Go. Go. Go!" As the Lord repeated the words 'go' I felt more free, my body became limp and I felt at peace.

I could feel the Spirit moving through me and cleaning house. Once the Lord was done, He kneeled in front of me and hugged me. "Welcome home. Welcome home."

Meet Shelby

I've been wanting to learn how to play the bass guitar for a while now.

I love and admire music so much, but music and I don't seem to mix very well when I'm the one playing the instrument. Nonetheless, I do not let this stop me from trying to full fill my passion.

And so, I after months and months of shopping and looking around - I finally broke down and bought myself a bass!

Meet Shelby -

Happy Easter!

When She Cries

"When She Cries"
By Britt Nicole

Little girl terrified
She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal
A home is no place to hide
Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels

[CHORUS]
Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arms length
How could they act like everything is alright?
She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean"

[CHORUS]

This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and
God is watching over you
He hears you

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Celebration

My mom turned 56 today. Even though she wasn't here (physically) to celebrate with me. I know she was still celebrating with me in heaven.

Happy Birthday Esther Cordova!

Remind Me...

This path has been long.
I'm tired and weak.
I want to give into the ache in me.
But the ache of losing you would be stronger.

I need you to hold me. To feel your embrace.
I need your guidance.
Remind me I'm not alone.
Remind me that you care.
That you love me. That I matter.
Remind me.

I've done it again. Compromised what's yours.
I try my best. I give my all.
But I always fall short.
When will I learn?
When will I stop?

I'm losing control. Everything is falling apart.
It makes me scream.
This path is too rough.

I need you to hold me. To feel your embrace.
I need your guidance.
Lord, remind me I'm not alone.
Remind me that you care.
That you love me. I matter.
Remind me.

I’ve made it to the next day.
You didn't leave.
You didn't fail.
You didn't quake.
You reminded me I’m loved.
You reminded me I’m not alone.
You reminded me, that I’m yours.

Goodnight Moon

"Goodnight Moon"
By HeyHiHello

She said it's three a.m.
And everybody else is fast asleep
In bed
And I can't seem to find the switch
To turn the lights on
Even though I need to fall asleep


Singing Goodnight, Moon
I'll close my eyes
Okay, Alright
You say Goodnight to
The shadows on the wall
We're drifting through
The empty streets with weightless feet
Singing Goodnight to the Moon

I think you're cute
When you are dreaming
About the city lights around
And when you wake up after daybreak
So will everyone who lives in town
They'll say
Did you see when rocket number 9
Took to the open skies last night
They'll say it flew above the atmosphere
With pictures of the brilliant Northern Lights

Singing Goodnight, Moon
I'll close my eyes
Okay, Alright
You say Goodnight to
The shadows on the wall
We're drifting through
The empty streets with weightless feet
Singing Goodnight to the Moon

Turn around
You can turn the car around, girl
Because there's something that caught my eye
And I've been writing it down, girl
Incase you ever said Goodbye
You'll have to wait and see
When you open your eyes wide
How does it feel
After a night long car ride?

Singing Goodnight, Moon
I'll close my eyes
Okay, Alright
You say Goodnight to
The shadows on the wall
We're drifting through
The empty streets with weightless feet
Singing Goodnight to the Moon

Gem Stones.

A group of people looking towards the skies for help, for riches, for an escape. They're too distracted with what they're looking at, that they don't see what some of the gems are attached too, a demon.

The Snake.

The Lord gave me this vision, of a snake, slithering on the ground and then to a person. The snake slithered up the person's legs, the snake wrapping itself around the width of the person. The snake wrapped itself tightly around the person's ankles, their legs and loosely around their thighs, stomach, chest, arms and then the snake's head rested on the person's shoulder. It's mouth toward the person's ear. As the snake moved up, it's grip became looser and looser.

The Lord asked me what I saw. I looked at the image, all I saw was a person wrapped tightly. The Lord revealed to me that sin comes to use slowly. It creeps up on us. It always attacks our steps, where we want to go, where the Lord wants us to go. Sin wants to trip us up.

When we let sin in, it slowly takes over our life. It slowly wraps itself around us. Not tight enough to stop or choke us, but enough to control our movement. Sin moves all through out our life, until it's in the passenger seat. It whispers to us. It tempts us. We allow it to lead us.

Letter to the Editor

"Letter to the Editor"
By Philmont

Here's a dilemma
I'm set on this course I can't escape
Caught in a struggle
Longing for rescue form this place
If I had the power
To fix myself you know I would
So I'll keep on waiting

The lights go up exposing all that you see
I am a tragedy
Bound by this role I play the lead
Could you write a new ending?
Tear out this pages, rewrite this story

I'm finished fighting
All of my battles are in vain
And I'm tired of trying
Trying to make things work my way
There's not much to salvage
But You see something here to save
So I'll keep on waiting

The lights go up exposing all that you see
I am a tragedy
Bound by this role I play the lead
Could you write a new ending?
Tear out this pages, rewrite this story
I am a tragedy
Bound by this role I play the lead
Could you write a new ending?
Tear out this pages, rewrite this story

I can't survive any longer
I'm calling You, calling You
I won't scrape by on my own here
I'm calling You, calling You
Take me away
You've got plans for me, I'm listening
Take me away
You're my one hope for escape

The lights go up exposing all that you see
I am a tragedy
Bound by this role I play the lead
Could you write a new ending?
Tear out this pages, rewrite this story
I am a tragedy
Bound by this role I play the lead
Could you write a new ending?
Tear out this pages, rewrite this story

Closer

"Closer"
By Philmont

They have calculated outcomes we just pray the numbers lied
it’s all calm here on the surface but a war rages inside
and she lays still tonight

pull me closer while I count the days
until I see your face
until I look into your eyes
when I’m tired you can carry me
until I see your face
until I look into your eyes

we can fire back
another plan of attack
something to tip the scales in our favor again
if we’re expecting less
we just allow the glass to drain empty through the cracks in the bottom
and wash away
don’t wash away tonight

this is life
and I am passing through
but this world has been caught lying about what it is I’m here to do
this is life
it’s mine to waste or use
but it’s time that I decided
it’s time for me to choose
cause who am I
that you would die to prove
that the worthless are all worth it
the curse has been removed
so this is life
and though I’m passing through
I wanna live as if I’m dying
dying to get close to you

Keep Fighting.

I've become extremely irritable, inwardly, the last few weeks. I find myself on the edge of my nerves and cringing over simple mistakes. My conscience is struggling with itself. And my spirit - is weakly trying to defend itself.

I think the stress of moving to a new city and state is finally getting to me. I'm trying so hard to adjust to my new environment but fear, depression and the lack of confidence is getting the best of me.

I constantly have to remind myself that I am not weak. I’m not powerless. I am confidante. I am strong. And I can overcome.

I refuse to give in. I refuse back down. I refuse to quit.

But I am becoming weak. And I'm losing confidence.

I constantly have to remind myself that past copping skill are not good. They are not healthy. And they do nothing.

I also have to remind myself to believe it.

:CLOSURE:

Closure:
psychology – sense of finality; the sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time.
Confrontation, acceptance, coming to terms, closure; whatever you want to call it, we all have circumstances in life where we have a decision to make of either facing something head on or running away from it.

Confrontation is hard. Facing someone and letting them know that they hurt you or letting them know they’re doing something wrong is never easy or fun.

Accepting a circumstance is also not a walk in the park. Coming to the realization that you just can’t do anything to change the outcome of a situation, is also very difficult.

And closure - a hard, difficult, painful combination of the two. Not only are you confronting a person, but you’re reliving it to receive peace and acceptance.

I don’t know about other people, but just thinking about the process makes me overwhelmed and discouraged. I’ve never really confronted a person or a situation. I’ve never really, truly accepted a wrong done to me. And I have most certainly never found closure. I’ve either run away from things or threw them in the dark corners of the closet and forgot about them.

I’ve never wanted to face hurt head on, I mean who does? But, I’ve very slowly come to the realization, that that is where we find healing and comfort. It’s not easy, not fun and every fiber in your being screams to run away; but it’s in that moment where you can either make growth or stay stagnant.

Recently I’ve had people walk me through this process, teaching me how to do this. We worked at it as a team. Took it in segments and never moved too fast. Everything we worked on was from the past; hurts and pains that happened long ago. I’ve grown and matured so much from dealing with things that happened years ago.

However, I never worked on things from now, from the present. And I never worked alone, I always had someone holding my hand or giving me a push.

But, I’ve moved. I left my mentors and my support team. And I am now on my own and responsible for my own actions and growth. That is such a scary thought. I have to rebuild everything and this time I don’t have help. The last time I had people coming to me offering healing, but this time I have to go find those people. I have to be active in my healing and recovery.

This past week, I had a very difficult situation hit me in the face. It shook me to my core and put me in a stand-still. As the week went on, more and more details came out making the situation worse. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I was upset, depressed, and angry.

I was faced with a decision. I could either A) work at the situation and find closure or B) I could run away and throw it in the closet.

It was hard, difficult and there were tons of tears. And I had no one holding my hand. But I fought through the pain, hurt and deceit - and I found my closure.

I hit the big scary problem head on and I beat it till I got my peace.

I didn’t back down. I didn’t coward. And I didn’t turn around or stop half way. I didn’t yell, I didn’t scream (there were a few times, but wasn’t at the person), and I wasn’t manipulative. I addressed the situation calmly (at moments), logically and peacefully.

I fought for my freedom in this situation.

I found my closure - on my own (with God’s help).

And I did it.

I DID IT!

I had no coaching, I had no advice, and I had no one telling me what to do or what the next was. I pulled myself from the situation, prayed and thought. And I addressed it. I made it happen. I put everything in motion and it turned out good.

I guess that’s always my fear, that I’ll work at a situation and not find peace and freedom.

But God is God, and He always provides and protects His children. And I have to remind myself daily, to allow Him.

How?

The last few days, have been very difficult emotionally. I’m having a very hard time trying to process everything.

My emotions have been in every direction, one extreme to the other and now – I’m just worn out. I’m tired, exhausted and devastated. And I have no clue where to go from here.

I feel empty, used and discarded.

I feel… Like I lost a life that I never got the chance to live. A beautiful gift shown to me on a golden platter with a big red bow and then it was quickly escorted away to a back room to never be seen again.

Why does life taunt us so? How does it know exactly what we want, what we crave, and what we desire? And how does it know in what way to steal it from us, to break our hearts, and cripple us from ever wanting to try again.

How does it know?

And how do I lower my expectations?

White Lines & Red Lights

"White Lines & Red Lights"
By Between the Trees

Late night, driving home together
And at red lights we press our lips together
And we're holding tight now
Slow it down now
Let's take our time
Let the moment last
Until it feels right
Holding back
And not getting too carried away
Let the music fade

'cause you are the brightest star
I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
I'm lost without your love

We are in each other’s arms
Just like a movie scene
Cause as we're leaning in
The light decides to turn green
Me and you together
This is getting better
Just butterflies won't do
I don't want just red lights
I want more of these nights
Baby, I love you

'cause you are the brightest star
I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
I'm lost without your love

Cause you are the brightest star
I'm in love with who

Me and you is what matters most
It's not the intimacy that brings me
Closer to you...

Colorado

These last few weeks have been super busy. Things were moving so fast that I didn't have time to stop and think of all the changes. Now that I have a moment to breath, to review the events of the last few weeks - I’m scared, nervous and unsure.

What am I getting myself into?

Can I do this?

God help.