Oink Oink.

Christmas present for Alyssa.

Vacation.

I miss home.

It’s nice being back where I was raised. To meet and socialize with old friends, to see familiar places, foods and smells. It’s nice. But I miss home.

I miss the new familiarly I made in awkwardness. I miss the security of love and care. I miss my unorganized, uncertain days of safety.

It’s not like I’m unhappy here. I’m thrilled to be back in routine. I’m happy to see my puppies. I’m relaxed to walk, take and glance as I please and not worry about offending others. I am – content.

But I miss being able to confide in people I trust. I miss talking about my spiritual growth. I miss seeing and feeling the Lord move. I miss my security. I miss being concealed. I miss being watched and scolded out of love. I miss the awkwardness of knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be.

Things are ‘normal’ here, and that frightens me slightly. I don’t want things to be their normal old ways. I want them to be changing and transforming in the Lord. I want the presence of the Lord to shake this house, home, family, church, and community; I want people to realize they’re sleeping.

I miss the Bible belt, yes at moments it’s annoying, but people aren’t afraid to speak the Lord’s name in confidence and proclaim His majesty.

I miss home…

The 22nd Year

I was meaning to write this closer to my birthday, but I guess the week of my birth will have to do.

So, here I am, another year older. When I try to dwell on the thought that I lived another year – I’m speechless. I have survived to be 22 years of age; that in itself is a miracle. As I try to look back on this past year, and the years before, again I am amazed by the Grace our God has on our souls. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive.

I’m 22 years old, ha, I can’t even try to fathom that thought. But here I am, breathing and typing, so it must be true. I – I have lived to be on this earth for 22 years, that thought blows my mind. I mean we don’t (at least I don’t) count how many months we’ve lived on earth or how many weeks we’ve kept breathing; we don’t recognize those numbers but we acknowledge and celebrate the years. Aren’t the months, weeks and days just as important?

I’ve lived 264 months.
I’ve lived 1,188 weeks.
And I’ve lived 8,008 days.
(Approximately; I’m bad with math.)

And here I am flabbergasted about 22 years, LOOK at those numbers! I’ve lived that! I survived those days of joy, anger, deceit, remorse, guilt, and depression. And I stand (Err, currently sitting) breathing, sane, content and growing. I’m alive and full of life. I’m confidant (most of the time) and motivated.

This is a very big accomplishment to me.

I know some of you are thinking: “Why are you obsessing over being 22?” Because I shouldn’t be turning 22; I shouldn’t have lived 264 months, I shouldn’t have lived 1,188 weeks, I shouldn’t have lived 8,008 days – but I did! For some odd reason, far beyond my comprehension, I am alive and passionate about living (now).

Oh, how many times my life should have ended. How many times I should have died. So many times I heard the darkness and followed it, and it almost engulfed me. How many times was I foolish? How many times did I try to end my own life; and here I am 22 years old!

I never expected to live past my 21 birthday, but here I am at 22 and I realize this is for real; I am truly supposed to be alive. It’s an exhilarating feeling when you finally realize that.

So here I am flabbergasted, in awe of our Mighty Creator and very thankful for the people He’s placed in my life. This isn’t just mine and the Lords victory over the enemy, but this is OUR victory – ours as a family.

Thank you so much to the many that helped, walked, held and screamed at me along the way. Thank you to my support team, for never leaving or quaking next to me. Thank you to my prayer partners for always taking my request and never questioning why I was asking for prayer. Thank you to my friends who distracted me when needed and told me the bitter truth when necessary. Thank you to my mentors for being the leaders I needed to look up to, thank you for listening to my whining, complaining and screaming; thank you for understanding.

Thank you, thank you for helping me grow into the person the Lord has called me to be.

I couldn’t have survived so easily if it wasn’t for your help. Thank you for never losing hope or faith in me. Thank you for your part in me reaching my 8,008 days, 1,188 weeks, 264 months and my 22 years on earth.

Thank you,
~Stella Star Cordova


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

Glorious

There are a league of angels watching over me. How wonderful. How wonderful

The Storm

The cloudiness is back, it’s been back for a while. I felt it when the clouds started to roll in, but I didn’t fight back the storm. I allowed it to roll and thunder. And now there’s lightening in my head and I can’t stop the harsh and treacherous winds from over throwing me.

I sit in my life boat watching as the waters rise and fall, hitting against my tattered boat. I placed myself in this situation. I saw the warnings. I heard the siren. I saw the sky turn from blue to black. I saw the transformation with my own eyes. And yet, I didn’t prepare or attempt to run for cover. I sat and watched.

And now I sit and watch. The crackle of each lightening dances before my eyes. The thunder reaches my ears no louder than a purr. And the rain hits my skin lighter than a mist.

I’m in the storm, but not of it.

Calling.

I was writing in my journal one day. I was asking God to give me visions of Him and of what He desired. As I was writing I started to doodle a little sheep. The Lord called me His sheep.

Sheep aren’t very smart. Sheep rely heavily on their owners. Like any living animal, sheep need to be taken care of: feed, washed, protected, lead, etc.

The Lord was calling me His sheep. He watches over me, He provides for me, and He loves me.

As I started to doodle this sheep, the one sheep turned into two sheep, the two sheep turned into a heard, and the heard turned into a pasture. As I was drawing this out, the Lord kept speaking to my heart that He calls us all to be His sheep. But that many of us get distracted by sheep things (eating, grass, flowers, butterflies, etc.) and that we miss His call to us.

Sheep need to be lead, they need to be directed on where to go, how to get there and how long to stay. The Lord calls us to a place, He calls us to act or react in a certain way, and sometimes, He calls us to speak prophetic words.

As I continued to draw this picture, there were five sheep in a pasture. Four out of the five sheep were busy eating as the fifth one was looking up. The fifth one heard its call and was paying attention; while the others were too distracted to notice anything.

How many times are we the sheep that are too busy or distracted to hear when the Lord calls?

View original drawing here.

Lie Truth

[[Need to turn volume WAY up, during the talking part. And put sound down for the music part... hehe.]]

So after a week of recording, re-recording and more re-recording here’s my finial video for “Lie Truths.”

“And you will know the truth. And the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

Picture of Lie Truth's.
Blog about Lie Truth's.

Song in video, What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road.

They're Everywhere

Demon.

Lie Truth

“And you will know the truth. And the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

There’s lies that have been told to us our whole lives, and because we have heard them so much, they have become true to us. These lie truths take bondage over us and hinder us from full growth.

Once we understand what is truly true about us & who we are and accept the real truths, we will be set free from that bondage and fully feel freedom.

Blog about Lie Truth's.
Video about Lie Truth's.

"Be Like A Sheep and Follow."

Explanation of: “The Wall”

Made a video update of how I’m doing, what’s been happening in my life and explaining a drawing that I made.

~PS. - Need to turn volume WAY up... Sorry!

The drawing is called: “The Wall.”

View a picture of the drawing here.

"The Wall"

This picture goes from left to right. The order is the top 3 and then the bottom two.

~The first drawing is a protected heart. A heart hiding behind a self put up wall.
~The second drawing shows the bad decisions that the heart made by allowing bad things into the wall. The bad things destroyed the wall and the heart became harden.
~The third drawing shows the wall getting torn down. The heart is still hardened.
~The fourth drawing shows that Jesus has torn down the wall and made it a pile of nothing. Jesus is victorious on the pile.
~The fifth picture shows that God has made the heart His home.

Full explanation of “The Wall” go here.

Red Band

Picture drawn from a vision that I had.

The heart represents the soul. The yellow represents God and the gray represents the enemy. The dark gray represents the strongholds the enemy still has. The light grey represents where the enemy has lost control. Sin is still there but it is no longer trapped. God can now go in and heal.

The demons split tail represents his indecisiveness; trying to make me doubt. The red band around his head means he’s one of the best. The notches in his band represent the lives he’s destroyed.

Friendship.

It’s always difficult to open up to people. To let people into your life, into your mess and help you sort through it. But, this is made slightly easier by a good friend. A friend that you can run and vent to, a friend that you can scream & yell at, a friend that you can express your anger to and they tell you you’re being silly and need to grow up.

A close friend – a best friend knows a lot about you. They know what upsets you, they know what to say to make you smile, and they know when to try and talk sense into you or just let you vent your frustration.

Best friends are people that you choose out of your own accord to share private and intimate things with.

You don’t just tell a random person on the street that you’ve been depressed. You don’t tell the person sitting next to you on the bus that you have a gambling problem. You don’t tell your mailman that your spouse is cheating on you.

You just don’t reveal all your hurts and pains to the world. That would be insane. We don’t like sharing our problems, they hurt and cripple us. Why would we show someone we hardly know that we’re vulnerable? We don’t, but we do share it with our best friend. Someone we’re so close to.

When you have good news, when you’re so excited that you just can’t contain your joy, who do you tell first? Your best friend; the one person you know that will be just excited and thrilled as you are. When you find out awesome wonderful news, who do you first share with? Your best friend!

Good friends are crucial to our daily living.

So my question to you: Who are you’re good friends? And who considers you a good friend?

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the father told me.” – John 15:15

This is Jesus speaking. The man that came to the cross and died for our sins calls us a FRIEND. He calls us His friend because He shared (in the Bible) something so intimate with us, God – His father.

The creator of EVERYTHING calls us His friend! How awesome and amazing is that?

Think about this, the King of Kings, the Glory of Glories considers you a friend. A friend! He doesn’t see you as some random person on the street. He doesn’t see you as a sin-sick puppy. He doesn’t see you as a creeper. He see’s you as a friend. Someone He can share private and intimate things with. Someone He can be honest with. Someone He can tell and express everything to.

That’s pretty heavy to try and comprehend isn’t it? Trying to grasp that God considers me, you, a friend is pretty tough to accept. I, myself, just recently grasped and understood this.

I was reading this verse over and over; I was trying to meditate on it, I was trying to get the truth to stick in my mind. But it was hard, because I didn’t believe that I was God’s friend.

And then God brought this to my mind: When you’re friends with someone you share things with them. You give them gifts so they know how much they mean to you. When you’re good friends with some you tell them things even when it hurts.

God’s you’re friend when:
He tells you to talk to someone having a hard day. (He’s sharing with you).
He speaks to your heart, gives you vision, gives you a blessing (healing, money etc). (He’s giving you a gift).
He convicts you of a sin that is ruining your life or relationship with Him. (Telling you something when it hurts).

The Lord brought to my mind, my drawings. The drawing that I’ve made of visions that God’s placed on my heart. The Lord brought to my mind the many times He’s ministered to my heart and calmed me down. The Lord reminded me of times when I had nothing and then He blessed me with everything. And then, the Lord called me His friend.

All this time I’ve been trying to become God’s friend when I already was! The Lord was speaking and sharing things with me and I never realized that we had a friendship. Ha!

And once I saw and realized that I am God’s friend. I was able to accept that truth, and the enemy’s lie that I’m not good enough or worthy of God’s love or grace fled.

Lies can’t exist when the light of truth is shown on it.

So, my next question for you: In what ways is God being your friend when you don’t realize it? If you can’t think of any, pray and ask Him. And when He answers, you’ll know you’re His friend.

TRUTH!

I just had a revelation that is so simplistic that I cannot believe that I didn’t see it before.

The thoughts that you believe about yourself, your life or about others is how you portray yourself. The beliefs that have been installed in you at a young age will depict how you act and respond. The things you believe are what you become. What you surround yourself with you will reflect.

Most people will agree to these statements. Your thoughts, ideas and principles depict how you live your life. Now that, that’s a little harder to comprehend.

“So you’re saying because I’m always depressed, that I’m willing and allowing myself to be depressed.” Yes, yes I am.

I know, you’re about to curse me because I said yes. You might not think or say to yourself ‘I have to be depressed,’ but there is a thought that has been placed in your head (by you or others) that has made you believe (or accept) your depression.

“So, Star, you’re saying that I believe that I need to be depressed.” Maybe not in those words, but yes; a thought has been placed in your head growing up that has installed depression in your life.

I know; BIG revelation right?

Over the last month I have been going over how to identify lies and how to get those lies out of your life. I’ve been told over and over that these lies are told to us in small little ways, over many years; most when we were children.

These lies can consist of: “I’m not pretty enough,” “I will never pass this test,” “I deserve to be punished because I did something bad,” “I need to be sad because I upset them,” etc.

All of these statements are lies!

Over years of you believing that you’re not pretty enough, you will soon believe that you’re ugly and possibly that you will never be loved by another. If you believe that you will never pass a hard test, you will soon not attempt tasks because you believe you will never succeed. If you believe that every time you do something ‘bad’ you need to be punished, you will soon believe that you deserve nothing good because you always do bad. If you believe that you need to be sad every time you upset someone, you will automatically become depressed when some disapproves.

The thoughts you believe, is how you will react.

“Alright Star, this is pretty self explanatory. Why is this such a revelation?” Because your thoughts bad or good will reflect how you live your life!

So if you believe you are loved, you will not feel alone or abandon because you know people love and care about you. If you believe that you are acceptable, the thoughts of others will not affect you as much. If you believe you are worthy to be cared and looked after, it will not be so hard for you to accept hospitality.

“Yes Star, I’m following you. Where’s the revelation?” If the thoughts that were told to you over and over were negative and caused you to have negative thoughts , ideas and principles; why can’t you replace them with positive ones!

I know, I know, so simple!

“Are you serious Star, this is your BIG revelation?” Yes, yes it is!

I have the power to change my thoughts! I have the power to take the negative ideas in my head and make them positive! I have the power to tell the ideas running around in my head ‘No! That’s not true about me!’ I have the power! Not the negativity that has been running my life in fear and depression.

”Okay, so what are you going to do with this new found ‘power’?” I’m going to believe the TRUTH!

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” – John 8:32

I have heard this verse so many times, I have read the verse so many times; but it never sank in until now.

I always thought that I knew the ‘truth,’ I always thought that I knew what was right and what was wrong. But there’s more to it than that!

You might know that it’s wrong to think that you’re not worthy to be loved. You might know the truth that Jesus died for you on the cross; but until you truly know this in your soul and believe it you will not be set free!

Truth! You are LOVED by the King of Kings.
Truth, you are WORTHY of His love.
Truth, He died for you so that your sins would be washed AWAY.
Truth, the Lord is ALWAYS by your side.
Truth, the creator who made EVERYTHING finds you remarkable and breathtaking.

All, ALL of these statements are truth! But somewhere along the path of life many of us are told otherwise. We’re told lies that we are not worthy because we have failed. We’re told that we will never succeed. We’re told that no matter what we do, we will never satisfy others.

But all of these are lies! And how do we combat lies? With TRUTH!

We shoot back to the enemy (Satan, father of lies) that we are worthy! That God loves us and we are washed cleaned from our sins because Jesus died on the cross for us and took our sins to the grave.

We take truth (“I have a purpose for living”) and combat it with the lie (“You’re worthless”). And the more and more you say this and combat the lie with truth, the more you will believe and install the truth in your life until that lie no longer exists!

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Once you know the truth and have installed the truth into your mind, the lies will seem like what they are – lies, NOT truth.

”Wow, pretty insightful.” Yea, I know.

Once you understand that you need truth to combat with the lies, and that YOU have the power to combat these lies in your head; you’ll feel less like a victim to your thoughts.

”So, where do I get or find these truths?” In the Bible. The Bible is FULL of them! Read the Word of God and fill your mind with what God thinks about YOU!

You can also meditate on: ‘Who I am in Christ’ lists. Here are some links to help you: http://bit.ly/3q9Eyb and http://bit.ly/3dZBbf

Once, you know the truth and have it installed deep within your mind and your soul. The lies won’t be able to hurt you again.

“Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth.” – Ephesians 6:14


After the realization of "Lie Truth" a picture and video was inspired. You can view those here:
Picture of Lie Truth's.
Video about Lie Truth's.

Deception – Decrement

I was listening to podcast about forgiveness and honoring. One of the points the speaker made was just because you’ve forgiven someone that doesn’t mean you forget and place yourself back into a bad situation. You need to have decrement and only place yourself in a good healthy place.

When this was stated, I envisioned a present. A beautiful present wrapped in colorful wrappings and a pretty bow. But the present was surrounded by darkness, where the present was there was a little light, but everywhere else - darkness.

Around the present were different signs to make the present look appealing; hearts for love, dollar signs for money, smiley faces for happiness, and music notes for joy. Mixed in with all the signs where question and expiration marks; trying to make the present look exciting and interesting.

Everything around the present was trying to make you open it. But on the present itself, on the beautifully wrapped present, were signs of death, poison and heartache. On the pretty bow were words of death, heartache, bitterness, anger, hurt, depression, etc.

The present itself was bad. It would bring nothing but hurt, pain and heartache if opened. But it was wrapped in something that looked inviting and happy.

Deception.

How many times do we look at something and think it’s grand, but in reality it’s not.

How many times do we open presents that aren’t good for us?

How often do YOU get fooled by pretty wrappings?

Pig vs Unicorn

My Picture that I made for Joey Avalos.

He wanted me to draw him a picture of a pig and a unicorn with laser eyes fighting. With squirrels in the background doing flips, flying fish and tree's coming to life.

I split the picture into sides the "pigs" and the "unicorns." On the pig side: the pigs, the trees and the squirrels. On the unicorn side: the unicorns and the flying fish.

The unicorns have laser eyes. The pigs have swords and armor. The squirrels have shields. And the trees have apples to fight with.

I set it up like an old school comic fight; with bright colors, word bubbles and a harsh divider.

I like it; will defiantly try this again, by actually drawing it out.

Stars Go Dim

I copied this drawing from a promo shot.
Reference picture: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=7733646&id=14881285297

I took my own spin to the picture, I really like how everything turned out.

The picture took me about 8-10 hours to draw, color in, water color and to add all the details.

Silence

Third time’s a charm, right? Everything is all better, fixed and correct now; right? Nothing bad will happen anymore, I won’t have to come back – right? Oh, no that’s – that’s not how it works.

Oh how I wish that it did. How I never had to step another foot in a place like this, but no, I find myself in yet another hospital. Another week of my life lost and gone, never to come back; another set of doctors and nurses to poke and probe at me. Another round of pills, therapies and diagnosis to determine “what’s wrong” with me; another cold empty room, with pasty white walls and a bed that creaks with every immoral thought.

And again, I have no one to blame but myself. Who else made me place the blade with ripples from heaven to my skin and produce the liquid of sorrow? Who would make me take the pills of sweet delight to end my life of gum drops and candy canes?

I mean who could have talked a sensible girl like me into doing such a thing?


The voices of course.

Healed and Protected

Went to BHOP tonight, I went wanting an intimate touch from the Lord; I didn’t expect to get it though. I walked in, placed my stuff down and began to sing. At the beginning I felt very muffled, like there was no connection.

After a while I moved to an almost empty room that was dark. I felt like I was supposed to go to that room but couldn’t bring myself to go to it. I finally forced myself to go to the room and began to pace and sing to the Lord. He told me that I would go to the darkness, to the lost and forgotten and help them. But that I wasn’t supposed to stay in the dark, I was to go to help and then come back to the light; my place wasn’t in the darkness.

After a while the two other people that were in the room left and I had the room to myself, by this time I had turned the light on and began to pace and roam the room. Walking in a big circle and continued to sing. At one point, I began to spin. I started to dance and move around, it felt right, I was to dance for the Lord.

A little later a women came up to me and introduced herself to me: “Hey, I’m Karen, can I pray for you?” I said yes and nodded. “I just feel like there is a veil of anointing over you. I can see that you have a spirit of a warrior, but a heart that is full of love and compassion. And when you dance and sing, it’s as if it moves all throughout the room and affects the people getting praised. It moves out side of this room and affects change.” She began to pray over me, over and over she continued to say: “There’s a great anointing over this one. This one is special.”

After she prayed for me I went back to singing and dancing. I was watching the prophecy room, because I wanted to go in, but the line was too long. At one point a guy entered the room (Aaron) and urgency came over me. ‘Fight! Fight and don’t give up!’ I continued to pace and sing, the urgency wouldn’t leave me. ‘Fight and don’t give up! You are stronger than this. Don’t listen to the enemy!’

After the guy was finished he went back and sat down. There was a tugging at my heart that I tried to ignore but couldn’t. I went up to him and told him what I had felt and heard. I introduced myself to him and continued to speak to him. The Lord spoke to him through me. It seemed like it hit home. I smiled and then left.

The line finally went down in the prophecy room and I went to wait. I went in, Pastor Steven introduced Deborah and Jeff to me and then he said he just kept getting that the walls and strongholds that were holding me back that were beginning to break. That there were plugs built up that were going to give way and I was going to be set free. Jeff said that he saw me blossoming and growing. That everything else was turning into Fall but that I was going against it and turning into Spring. I was going to blossom, grow and shine. This season would be full of change and growth. Deborah said that she kept getting: “Be still and know.”

The BHOP session was amazing, I felt so free and healed. I truly needed that.

True Healing

Went to theophostic prayer for the first time today; I was nervous and scared, but I couldn’t wait to start. I want a change, I want a change in me to be made so that I can flourish and grow and not be like how I am. I don’t like how I am, I don’t like the way I think and feel and act. I dislike that way that my emotions and self mutilation runs my life. I want it to be gone.

So we walked in (Camilla, Evelyn and I) and met Sherrie. She was a nice, friendly southern bell. She reminded me a lot like Lesli, with her wording and phrasing; it was comforting. I signed papers and read a lot and then we started the session.

So we sit in the chairs, get comfortable and then she smiles and looks at me: “Where should we start?” I looked at her with wide eyes, a heavy heart and urgency in my spirit – Devon. I briefly explained Devon and the situation. We then went back in time and focused on a memory, a memory of me being a little girl in pre-school and a little boy giving me attention.

I think of that memory every now and then, I didn’t think it held any power though. I didn’t think that memory could hold lies, deceit and affect my daily life; but it did.

We asked the Lord to come into the situation and to reveal truth to me. It was amazing. I could see myself sitting in His lap, His arms wrapped around me and just loving on me. He kept kissing my forehead and hugging me tight. At one point the Lord was playing with me. Another memory sprouted off the pre-school memory.

I had seen the little boy once after pre-school at a store and I hid from him. I didn’t want him to see me or recognize me. The Lord came into that memory and said: “Boo! I see you. You don’t need to hide from me.” It was sweet and gentle. The Lord just kept playing ‘hide-and-seek’ with me; ha ha, you’ve never lived until you’ve played hide-and-seek with the Lord.

At one point, Sherrie asked the Lord if I was important. We were still focused on the ‘I love you’ part, after a while I asked the Lord myself if He thought I was important. At that moment, the thought of ‘No’ instantly filled my head. Before the ‘O’ was said the Lord sternly said: “Satan go away, you have no ground here.” And the thought was gone. The Lord then said: “Protected. You are protected.” It was amazing; absolutely amazing to know that the lord fights for me – for you.

Can’t wait for my next session.

~~~

What I learned from the session:
The Lord spoke to me that I was precious and that he loved me. He kept repeating over and over: “I love you.” The Lord said I was protected, that He always protects me. And that I’m misunderstood but that He understands me.

Passion.

The Lord showed this to me in a vision.

There was a time period where the Lord was speaking a lot to me in visions of hearts; basically, my heart in different stages of growth.

One day during worship, I got this vision of a heart jumping up and down with a speaker built in playing music. The heart was worshiping the Lord.

My passion is music. My passion is to worship the Lord fully.

Abandon.

The Lord showed this to me in a vision.

There was a time period where the Lord was speaking a lot to me in visions of hearts; basically, my heart in different stages of growth.

During worship, the Lord reveled to me that I needed to abandon my past loves. I needed to get rid and abandon everything that I use to love, like and that consumed my life. I needed to forsake my old heart and walk down the path to the renewing river to be cleansed and purified.

I Want to NAW Off My Foot!

Many of you were making comments about me wanting to cause myself pain to relieve the pain from my foot.

So, here is my story about my foot.

Enjoy!

I want a Cow...

Ever since I moved into my new house, I’ve been wanting a cow. I want to play with a cow. Hug a cow. Feed a cow. I want a cow!!

I know; I know what some of you might be thinking: ‘Stella, what is up with this recent obsession with cows?’

Well, my house and the window of my room faces into an open field; a field that just so happens to be the home of MANY cows. Teen Mania is located next to a man that owns tons of animals, one of those animals happen to be a cow.

So every morning when I wake up I see cows. Every morning when I leave for work I see cows. When I come back for lunch I see cows. When I get off work and go home I see cows. Before I go to bed I see cows! I want a cow!!

I’m determined to get one… Okay, so I know I can’t have a cow. But I’m on the search for a plushed cow. If you see one, LET ME KNOW!

New Beginnings

Starting a new blog was rather frightening to me, I have to admit. My writings are very precious and special to me; so leaving a journal is like me abandoning one of my children (not that I know what it’s like to have children…).

But the Lord showed me a lot and held my hand tight as I made the transition over. Why was it so hard for me to switch blogs? I will never know. Maybe it’s because I became dependent on that blog (even though I didn’t update it much – still REALLY sorry about that). Or maybe, because it’s symbolizing me leaving all those things that I struggled with before coming to Teen Mania (and struggled with at the beginning) and continuing to mature and grow in the Lord and his plan for my life.

It’s exciting and frightening staying another two years at Teen Mania; but I’m excited to see what will come out of it.

Web Cam Fun

Production for Acquire the Fire is underway! With that being said, CCM is in crunch time to get all the videos and media ready for the first ATF event that is a month away! So, people are running around getting things filmed, edited, written and acquiring extras.

Joe comes up to me, he looks lost & unsure. “Hey Joe, what’s up?” “I’m good Stella. How are you?” “I’m well Joe. You look lost.” “Well Stella, I’m looking for a web cam.” “Why are you looking for a web cam Joe?” This is when he looks at me very excited and with a huge grin. “Hey Stella! Does that have a built in web cam?” He says as he points at my laptop. “And are you busy?” I look at the laptop and than at him. “What do you need Joe?”

He than goes into an explanation that he’s looking for a web cam to make videos he needs for his shot. For his shot there’s a group of girls on a video chat and he needs their expressions. He talks me and a few other girls to be his girls, we than head to my house to build makeshift sets. One of us sits on the couch as we grab lamps and turn on lights to even out the lighting on the web cam.

Apparently, the girls are reading a blog and they’re gossipers. They found out juicy information and begin to freak out and immediately spread the news all over the internet; they call and text people to inform them of what they know.

As each girl changes, so does the set. We end up moving all over the house; the living room, the loft, the library, the kitchen, and the bedroom. Along the way we are recording everything that is happening on the web cam; some times purposely and some times not so purposely.

At the end we had everything that Joe needed and an extremely funny amount of bloopers and random pictures.

Yet Another Driving Adventure…

I will most likely never be asked to be a drive again after today. A trip that was supposed to take me an hour and 45 minutes took me three hours. Ha ha, yes I have that skill to get completely turned around heading to Tyler, TX.

I was asked to drive to Tyler to pick up Gail from her house; Gail is the wife of Doug Rittenhouse (the direct of CCM). So I hop in a car, with directions and head out towards I-20. I get near the exit to head towards Lindale or Tyler, with everything in me screaming to turn right, the directions said to turn left. I knew that was wrong, everything in me was telling me not to listen to the directions but I did…

After a lovely 20 minute drive, I was in Mineola. Why, oh why did I listen to the directions! I called Gail, told her what had happened and said I was on my way! Turning around, I drive in the opposite (correct) direction and head back through Lindale to Tyler. I looked further down the directions and noticed that it mentioned “South Broadway and 69 South.” Why couldn’t I have just read further down earlier and saved myself TONS of time. I get myself to South Broadway the way I know, cause the directions were all wrong, than I called Gail; I didn’t know how much I could trust the directions.

I finally get myself near the Rittenhouse’ home and continued to repeat the directions Gail gave me in my head: “Pass the first Exxon and take the road in front of the second Exxon.” I pass the first Exxon and two seconds later I pass the second one and the street, annoyed I move over to the left lane and have to turn back around. I get on the street and than almost pass the housing complex; if it wasn’t for Gail walking to the front of the complex I would have passed it.

Gail gets in the car and than we head back. I tell her I had to fill up on gas (because of my little ‘adventure’), so we stop at a gas station. As we both get out of the car, we close the doors and I began to fill up as Gail walks inside to get drinks. I finish filling up and than go to the door to get in and it’s LOCKED.

I look at the button on the door and it’s pushed down: “Oh no! Are you SERIOUS!?” I quickly move to the next door and it’s locked too. I run to the passenger side and try to open the back door, nothing. I than move to the passenger door and it opens: “Praise the Lord!”

I crawl over, open my door and get in as I wait for Gail, the entire time laughing and shaking my head. Today just wasn’t a good day for me to drive.

Story Time with Star

Oh how I love Orange/Gray/Tan block; the restrictions of sugar, music listening and movie watching. But the thing I love the most about the blocks: corporate every morning! Yay.

One thing I don’t like about living behind CCM, is that CCM is on the completely different side of campus; so whenever we have to go any where it’s about half a mile walk (I might be being over dramatic, but I’m not sure – ha ha). So here we are at 5:45 in the morning walking to the anvil, we workout at 6am and than we get done around 7am.

Today I was walking back by myself, minding my own business as I see this squirrel on the side of the road. It’s lying near the curb, looks dead, sprawled out, limp, not moving. So I continue to walk, ignoring the ‘dead’ squirrel. As I approach near the ‘dead’ squirrel, about five feet away, the squirrel jumps up (about a foot and half in the air) runs towards me at super fast speed. It stops in front of me about half a foot and starts yelling at me (squirrel speak and babble). It flairs it’s hands and shakes its entire body.

After about 30 seconds it stops, glares at me and than runs off into the forest. I had stopped walking and watched the squirrel do all of this. After he disappeared I looked into the forest and laughed out loud.

I had just gotten harassed by a squirrel. I thought it was pretty entertaining.

Transition LTE

For the last week and half, I have literally been in limbo. With graduating from the HA and staying at Teen Mania for an additional two years to attend Center for Creative Media (CCM); it’s been an odd but refreshing transition.

Being one of two August’s in my core to stay was a frightening and challenging experience. Watching as everyone packed up their stuff, loaded cars and driving away to continue on the path that the Lord has for them; was devastating. I had been with these girls for a year – an entire year and now they are out of my daily life.

One of my roommates, I had literally spent the ENTIRE year with her. She was my roommate from Gauntlet week to the first and the second semesters, we were inseparable; and now she’s gone.

My best friends, my AP’s and my mentors left. And here I was left on a very empty campus to transfer into CCM by myself. I think that was the most frightening thing for me; transferring into CCM. The current classes at CCM have been together for almost two years, a year or half a year; and here I was moving into this tight knit family – I was terrified. But I knew and I know this is where God has placed me.

So biting my lip and mustering up ALL courage I could from the Lord, I picked up all my belongings and placed them on the truck that the CCM guys borrowed to transfer all our stuff. That was a week ago. And now, here I am in my HOUSE fully moved in and making lasting friendships (again).

The transition, truly was an LTE.

Super Powers!

The one thing I love the most about Gauntlet week, besides all the AMAZING sessions, is having worship several times a day. The School of Worship band is phenomenal! And who doesn’t love to worship the Lord?

Today was a special treat for me; I was able to sit with a big majority of my old family core at the evening session. Three brothers, two sisters and another core mate. Worship starts, some move into the side aisle, some move to the front; I stayed in the aisle with some of my family.

Everyone starts to sing, sway and worship with out hesitation. I have to admit, I get active when I worship; dance, sway, spin, and raise my hands. I wasn’t really paying attention; I had my eyes closed while I was singing. I had raised my hand in the air and than placed it out to my side and than brought it done to my side. As I did this, I accidentally hit the person next to me; I very slight hit their bottom.

I open my eyes, look at them a little horrified; they turn their head slightly towards me and give me a sly smile. I blush, smile innocently and than scoot over to the other side and continued to worship.

Oh yes, I can EVEN make worship awkward; ugh!

August 2010

The new interns have arrived! After a weeks’ worth of finial preparation the new August class of 2010 have arrived on campus. It’s still odd to think that most of my August class has left and that I am now a graduate intern (GI). It’s been amazing to witness the growth and maturity that people have gained over the last week. The GI’s have truly super grown to be leaders.

Tonight, sitting in on the opening session of the new year, I was hit with the realization that last year I was in this exact same spot scarred out of my mind. I can remember, as if it was only last week, stepping off the ATF bus on the Teen Mania soil and instantly thinking that I had made a horrible mistake. Even at that early moment, the enemy was trying to get me to leave.

I remember placing my foot on the cement and instantly feeling something wasn’t right. I wanted to turn quickly, jump back on the bus and head back to the airport to go home. After the terrifying registration, long walk to the dorms and tasty dinner at the café, the opening session with Ron Luce was lost in thought with my negative thoughts, disbelieving heart and depression.

Tonight during worship, I stood to the right of the stage under the screen and the Lord spoke to me: “Look at where you are.” I opened my eyes and looked at the stage; I was at the front of the auditorium. “I’m at the front of the room Lord.” “Look behind you.” I turned around and saw hundreds of people behind me; some worshiping the Lord fully, others unsure and hesitating. “I see the new interns Lord.” “Look to the back.” My eyes wondered to the back of the room. “Do you remember when you stood there? You were in turmoil; you didn’t know if you should stay or leave.” As I looked to the back of the room, I remembered standing in the corner scared, unsure and filled with guilt & shame. “Look at what I brought you through! You are new, new and restored!” I smiled as tears came to my eyes as the Lord continued to minister to my heart.

It’s amazing to think of the change and restoration that’s happened in my life in this short year. So much has happened; it’s still hard to believe that a year has passed.

As I continued to stare behind me, memories of my first few days at the HA came back to me. I could remember and feel all the mixed feelings I had. The doubt, the fear, the wanting of acceptance, the guilt, the shame, the cracked heart I was trying to heal; everything came back like a flood - but not for me, for the new interns.

I had been in their spot little over a year ago, I knew how they were feeling, what they must have been thinking, and my heart went out to them. They know nothing of what they’re getting themselves into, but boy is the Lord going to reign in their lives!

My heart leaped for joy as the opening session ended and the new year had officially started. Can’t wait to see what the Lord has planned.

Decisions

If you could go back in time and prevent one thing from ever happening; what would it be?

Dating a certain person, smoking for the first time, drinking, never getting in that car, not taking that picture – what would it be? It could be as big or little as you want it to be. It would prevent everything else from happening. What would be the one thing you’d take back from EVER happening?

For me; locking myself in my room and believing the lie that taking a blade to my skin would only happen once.

A friend had told me she was cutting a few weeks earlier; she said she never thought she would ever cut, but that when she did it felt so good. When I heard her say that, I couldn’t believe her. How could causing yourself harm feel good? After that day, that thought never left me; cutting feeling good. I played with the thought for weeks – and one day the thought became an action.

I knew where my mom kept her razors; I walked into the bathroom, leaned down and grabbed a new razor out of a bag. I looked at it and studied it; I still couldn’t believe I was going to do what I was going to do. I grabbed tissue and then went to my room. Locking the door behind me I sat on my bed as I pulled up my pant leg and pushed down my sock. I lifted the razor to my ankle and placed it to my skin; I pulled away a few times, still not fully sure.

After a while I pushed hard on the razor and pulled down hard. The instant sting of the razor made me grind my teeth; I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. It did feel good. I looked at my ankle and instantly blood drew. I sat on my bed in shock.

In disbelief I did it again and again and again. Before I knew it I had cut the full length and width of my ankle and had cut up my leg. It felt so good, I couldn’t stop – and still can’t. But just as quickly as I started to cut, cutting couldn’t content me; I needed more pain. I quickly started to burn, than brand, scratch, hair pull and then eating disorders. I seeked pain and how I could cause it. Nothing lasted very long.

Not too quickly after I started to cut did I start to think about suicide. It became an obsession of mine.

I was so depressed, so sad, I was always alone, always isolating myself; I had trapped myself within early on and didn’t know how to escape.

Running with God

Do you ever have on of those moments that just sticks with you; it's a moment that constantly comes to your memory and provokes an emotion. I have many of those; I do so many random things that I defiantly make memories and I have so many random things happen to me that it makes life interesting.

One moment that always brings a smile to my face and reminds me of how loving & caring our God is; is a moment that happened in corporate. Corporate is definitely not one of my favorite times of the week; waking up early and running is just not my cup of tea!

The internship was training, trying to get ready for the mountain LTE; so we were running everyday. One Friday, almost near the end of the training, I had had enough of running; I was running by myself because I'm so slow that I didn't want to slow a partner down. I had ran (and walked) almost the entire requirement for the day. I was tired, exhausted and running out of breath; I was not a happy camper.

But as I learned during gauntlet week, bringing God into corporate does help to motivate you and to keep you going. I was praying, singing and reciting scripture; doing anything to keep me going.

During my entire run I kept making goals for myself; setting up markers to where I would run. This kept me going for a while; run, pray, run, sing, run, marker, run, breath, run, pray, pray, run.

I made a turn and was exhausted! I didn't want to run any more but I knew that I had too. “Come on God! Don't give up! We can do it. Keep running!” I spoke out loud to God. I knew God was smiling down at me: “Alright. I'm coming!”

Ran a little more and was about half way done with my final loop. I made the same turn again and was even more tried than the last time. I slowed down to a walk. “I can't do this! I give up!” I felt like I couldn't take another step. I stopped and took a few deep breaths. I was tried, exhausted and wanted to give up. I was done.

“Come on. Walk to the pole. You can make it! Walk to the pole. We can do it!” God told me. I smiled and laughed loudly as I took a deep breath and ran to the pole and continued going.

The best running partner you'll ever have – God. He keeps you going!

Poems

'Worthless Efforts

A perfectly designed empty shell.
Flawless moves of hypocrisy.
Beautiful words in empty nothingness.
Perfect pretender.
Your praise is a foul stench.

I hear your cries;
But I need more than cries of surrender.

How many times do I need to break your heart
- Until you follow me?

Your soul longs for me.
To sit in my lap and to bask in my glory.
But you hold yourself back!
Come to my voice and trust in my words.
I will break all bondages over you;
-And set you free!

But continue down the path you're going,
-And you'll be forever lost in the confusion.

Believe in me, believe in my love for you.
And I will break the mold -
That the enemy has made to be your coffin.

'Untitled'
By Stella Star Cordova

You know the desires of my heart;
But you also know the hatred.

I feel like I should praise you.
My soul longs to worship you.
But my heart refuses to connect.
And my mind rejects the truth in front of me.

I long for your intimate touch.
For your sweet embrace.
Touch my soul and make it hurt.

There's a song in my soul longing to be a sweet sound to your ears.
But the humanly words that I know; are not enough.
My soul breaks because I can not give you the praise you deserve.

And when that day comes;
When I stand before you.
I will be scared -
For I will know that I have not done your will.

My love song is far from a serenade.

Run Away Star

I love to play, practical jokes on my manager. I've made it snow (twice) in his office, I have also covered his office in sticky notes, and I've covered it in lights. We're a very close and tight-knit department, so we play around with each other often. My jokes usually come out of no where, I get inspired and than react on them instantly. I kind of plan as I go along and they come out pretty well; most of the time.

I was walking back from lunch with one of my friends to the admin building. It was a beautiful, bright, sunny day and it was gorgeous outside. My friend said it was too nice to be inside all day and I agreed with her. At that moment the thought of running away popped into my mind.

“What would Brandon say if I ran away?” I asked her curiously. “Um, he'd kick your butt! You can't just pack up and leave.” She replied back. “No; I mean just for the day. Just run away for the day and come back tomorrow.” She looked at me and smiled. “I don't think he'd care, he'd find it funny.” I smiled as we entered the building.

I went to sit on the couch as I called my dad; I talked to him for a few moments and than told him about my plan. “So, you'll just pack up your stuff and move to the cafeteria?” “Yup, I will grab my laptop and run away to the cafe. I will still have Internet connection, so I can still work.” I replied back. “Well, heck then! Run for it!”

So with parent approval, I ran back up stairs grabbed my laptop, packed up all my things, told my coworker what I was going to do and wrote my manager an email:

'Dear Mr. Lilly,

I am sorry to say, but the workload and stress of my job has driven me insane. I am running away and will NOT return.

It has been a pleasure to work for you. You have taught me much.

I am sorry to drop the news like this. But I can no longer stand it!!

Good bye and God speed.

-Stella '

And with that I walked out of the office and headed to the cafe; I sat down, connected my laptop to a power supply, and begin to work. About an hour later I got an email from my coworker telling me that my supervisor was asking for me and went looking for me. I than received a text from my supervisor asking if I was 'okay.'

I laughed as I read the text and sent her an email explaining to her what I was doing. She was relieved and flustered at the same time. Apparently I really freaked her out, she was worried and concerned. I told her I was 'okay' and that I was sitting in the cafe. After a few more minutes she told me I had to come back; my manager would be in meetings all day so he wouldn't notice.

And with that, my little adventure was over. I packed up my stuff and headed back to my office. I walked by her office as I came back and she smiled at me. “Had fun running away?” “Yes I did! I just wish I could have gotten a rise out of Brandon.” I replied back. “Oh don't worry, you defiantly got a rise out of me. I was panicking trying to find you.” I laughed as I apologized and headed back to my office and desk.

Getting reset up I sent her an IM:
Me – I'm back safe and sound in my confinement :(
Her – Good :)

Later on in the day my manager walked in and said: “I thought you ran away?” He said with a smile and playful tone. “I did. But Tori freaked out and told me to come back.” “Good assistant.” He said with a smile and a laugh. “I only came back because she asked me to.” I said with a smile. “Bad intern! Get to work.” He spoke has he pointed at my laptop, smiled, shook his head and walked away.

My prank didn't work out exactly as I planed, but I did have fun running away even for a while.

MySpace Land

When people hear what I have as a ministry placement (work) they are first confused and than baffled. I am the social networking specialist for Teen Mania ministries; which means I maintain all social networking sites that Teen Mania has: MySpace, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Tangle, etc.

When people first hear this they think I'm pulling their leg and than they think I'm wasting my time. People just don't get how working on MySpace and Facebook all day is “furthering the kingdom.” So when people see interns on these websites they think the interns are slacking. When you're on these sites it's mostly for fun; so I can see why people are spectacle of my job.

I get many strange looks and some times get “confronted” for being on these sites all day at work; I smile, listen to everything the person has to say and than explain what I do. I truly do need to get a sign that says: “MySpace is my job... No seriously!” It just makes me laugh when these situations happen.

Like last week.

I was working away, music blasting, when Mr. Root came to my desk and asked if I would come to his office; there was someone he wanted me to talk to. I walk to his office and than I am introduced to Mr. Mike (I forget his last name....). I say hello and than he asks me some questions on how I manage all the social networking sites. I answer his questions and than he looks at me and smiles.

“Do you want to know something funny?” He asks. “Sure.” I say back. “Don't know if you've noticed; but I've been walking in and out of the office the last few days. And every time I passed by your desk you were ALWAYS on MySpace or Facebook. The other day I told Richard (one of my managers): 'You know, there's this girl who is ALWAYS on Facebook and MySpace.' Than Richard said: 'Stella? Sits in the corner. Oh it's fine; it's her job.' I thought it was funny.”

I agreed and laughed with him.

I'm doomed if I'm on MySpace and I'm doomed if I'm not.

Reflection Essay - Unreached People Group LTE

I have to admit, I wasn’t looking forward to the UPG. I really didn’t want to spend the night in the ‘Bache Forte’ and I wasn’t too thrilled with having to walk around most of the day in the hot sun. But once the LTE started and I was separated from my group and encountered my tribal group on my own, I was very quickly hit with the reality of being a ‘missionary.’

Of course being in the safety of the Back Forty and with my tribal (unreached people) group being interns, there was no real threat to my life, my health or my well being. But role playing as we did was defiantly an eye opening experience. We couldn’t talk to our tribe in English, we had to learn their language and we had to gain their trust. They had been told lies of Jesus Christ and were afraid of his name. They didn’t understand the concept of one God and not having to sacrifice to please them.

Being in a (safe) situation of having to share the gospel and your beliefs was a whole lot more challenging than what I thought it would be. You are truly challenged to explain your beliefs and to defend them. You’re talking to someone who has ‘never’ heard of Jesus before and you need to explain to them who he is and what he did. It was extremely difficult and than having a time limit on the whole situation made it even harder.

Yes, being in the Back Forty for a few days isn’t anything near to how it is being on a mission field. But it really got me to thinking of people who really risk their lives and go out to tribes to speak the word of God to them. Every time our tribe did something intense we would panic for a second but then calm down; “That can’t really hurt us, we’re fine,” we found ourselves saying this over and over. And that small truth of reality calmed us oddly.

But that really got me to thinking of the people who don’t have that small truth of reality. There are people all over the world risking their lives to spread the word of God, and here I was running around in the Back Forty worried about being in the cold, sun and having to get a little dirty. How insane is that thought?

I guess the one thing I learned the most from this experience was that being a missionary might not be my calling, but my heart is defiantly for the mission field. And through this experience my prayers have defiantly been with the missionaries that risk their lives and don’t have the reality of going back to the dorms to get cleaned up and rested. And for the tribes who are scared of unknown.

I don't want it!

At the Honor Academy we have special awards called “Carpe Diem Awards;” 'Seize the Day' awards. These awards are given to a selected few; people who work hard, are leaders and uphold the vision of Teen Mania. The awards are usually given to people who stand out, are known for being driven and 'on fire.' And these awards are usually given out at chapel.

I've been sick and can hardly function let alone concentrate, so I went 'home' for the day at lunch. I get to the dorm, change, eat, make 'sleepy time' tea, take medicine and crawl into bed when I get texts from my supervisor telling me I needed to go to chapel. I looked at the phone's screen unenthusiastically; with a moan I crawl out of bed, change and head to the auditorium. I get to chapel, sit in the back and text my supervisor asking why I was there. No answer.

The speaker begins to talk as my head is pounding; the speaker finishes and more than ever I wonder why I had to leave my bed. We pray, I grab my stuff to leave and Mr. Hasz (Director of the Honor Academy) gets up to speak: 'Alright everyone, you're not dismissed yet. We are going to be giving out Carpe Diem Awards.' I sit back down in my chair and instantly know why I was told I had to go to chapel.

I sit in my chair as two names are called; the entire time I'm thinking: 'I don't want an award!! I'm sick!' Another name is called; 'Wait, why would I be given an award?' I think. And than: “Stella Cordova” Mr. Hasz calls my name; I stand as people clap and cheer. I walk to the front as Mr. Hasz reads what my award says:

'Stella Cordova is an extremely valuable asset to our team. From day one she has passionately worked to build Teen Mania's social networks into powerful tools that are effectively reaching out to this generation. Because of her hard work and dedication, we have more than doubled our social influence with teenagers through MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Tangle. Her passion for success and commitment to excellence is evident in everything she puts her hands to, and her heart for the Lord is evident and beautiful. She always has a smiling face and a giddy attitude and chooses joy even in the midst of strife. This positive attitude has even reminded and challenged her managers and coworkers to choose joy as well. We're so thankful and honored to have Stella as part of our team, we honestly could not do this without her!'

I shake Mr. Hasz's hand and take my award as I join the others on stage. More names are called and once everyone is up we get one more round of applause and we go back to sit down. As I walk back to my seat my manager looks at me beaming, again I think: 'I don't want an award! I'm sick!'

We are than released from chapel as friends come to hug and congratulate me. I find my manager give him a hug and he says how proud of me he is. I walk to the fountain as I sit and stare at my award. “Carpe Diem, really?” I open the award and read what it says again. “Okay... Maybe I do want it...” I say with a small smile as I walk back to the dorms to sleep.

I have to say after getting sleep and some rest I was beyond thrilled with my award. And I'm very honored and blessed to have the privilege to have a Carpe Diem award.

Reflection Essay - Contemporary Issues

Before coming to the Honor Academy I never really thought about what my morals were on issues. I just did and acted on what I was taught was “proper,” I never really gave it any thought of why I acted or performed in these ways.

not only our character but also our Father, it has really got me to thinking: ‘Why I act the way I act.’ I’m still trying to think everything through and see what matches up with my morals, but here’s a just of what I think I would allow myself to do.

My thoughts on:

Dancing:
With how our world has corrupted dancing, I would rather not comment on it. I always loved and adored the old movies of dances that were choreographed; the dances that people were raised in and everyone did the exact same move, it was one big giant performance. The way our ‘dancing’ is now, with grinding, lifting and touching; it’s most disgraceful.

I don’t think dancing is wrong, not in the lease, but I do think there are different types of dancing. Dancing with a group of friends or dancing one on one with someone with a respectable amount of room is fine. But dancing inches away from someone and their body touching yours in an intimate way; that’s a no go with me. I’m not saying I won’t slow dance or that I won’t dance close to anyone, my husband yes, but I’m not just going to give my body ‘away’ like that to anyone.

Drinking:
To be completely honest, I haven’t completely worked out all my thoughts, ideas and morals on drinking. My family is filled with alcoholics, which makes me want to hate it, but I also see others who can drink one alcoholic beverage and are fine. But for myself personally, I don’t think I could have more than one alcoholic beverage at a time; and that would be far and few between.

I wouldn’t drink in public, but I wouldn’t drink alone either, I would drink in a small intimate group. I wouldn’t hold or store the beverages at my home and I also wouldn’t buy it. I don’t plan on drinking on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. Everything has its time and place and I believe this the same for alcohol.

What would be the time or places for me? A drink on my wedding night with my husband, an intimate dinner with my husband and maybe a celebration or two of announcements; but I defiantly don’t see myself celebrating every little thing with a drink.

Movie & TV viewing:
With the way that the secular entertainment world has corrupted our movies and television, it’s hard to not turn on the television or walk into a movie theater without watching something with profanity and semi-nudity. I’ve always been careful with what I watch and what I listen to. Because what you put in, is what you get out; and what you surround yourself with is how you will become.

And with that said, I don’t think I could just classify one ‘category’ of things I wouldn’t watch. I can’t say I wouldn’t watch anything rated R, because I have, and not everything rated R is full of gore, nudity and vulgar language. Movies of historical content are usually rated R because it does have much violence, movies depicting how someone was treated in slavery is usually rated R because the acts done to them are to the extreme, and movies talking about serious issues as in abortion, suicide, murder & other controversial topics are usually rated R. But that doesn’t mean I will go watch a movie full of drugs, sex and drinking scenes.

With me, it all comes down to the story line. If the story line seems clean, enjoyable and “family friendly” I usually go see it. I don’t think the rating has much to do with how the movie is; most PG-13 movies now are filled with slanderous words, disobedient children and sex driven teens. I stick with the story line, if the story line catches my eye and seems interesting I will watch, and if it turns out to be completely against my morals I will stop watching it; I’ve done it before and am not afraid to do it again.

Reflection Essay - Week of the Ring

As in any life changing decision, for me, accepting my ring and taking up the responsibility of the line- was a bitter sweet moment. I learned so much during the WOTR, I took many notes and gained so much more knowledge the second time around (sat through all the sessions when the Januaries had their WOTR).

Experiencing WOTR for a second time was a real eye opener for me; I noticed the change of acknowledgment I had. The first time around I hadn’t fully understood what the ring or the line was; and my mind was in a very different mindset. So sitting a second round in similar seminars and hearing the material again really proved to myself how much my morals, world views and mindset had change. It was a breath of fresh air.

But it was also a very challenging time for me. Here I was sitting through the same seminars again and hints of sin kept coming up. My flesh kept whispering to me that I couldn’t uphold the ‘line.’ That I couldn’t stay pure, I couldn’t stay honorable and that I would degrade the line & have to give up my ring. These thoughts ran ramped in my mind for a few days; I began to believe them and started to doubt if I should accept the ring and take the challenge of living an honorable life.

WOTR had come to an end and we had the weekend to think over the decision of accepting our rings and becoming part of the line. I sat in bed and prayed.
Doubts, fears, and lies were over powering my mind and I didn’t know what to do. Sitting in my bed I was softly reminded of what I had overcome (with God’s help). Yes I had lived a dishonorable life and yes I was still going to be challenged and tested. BUT that didn’t mean I had to or was going to give into them again. God had brought me through so far and He wasn’t going to leave me half mended.
Entering the banquet on Monday, I was determined that I would accept my ring and that I would join the line. Yes I would stumble, but that didn’t mean I would fall and not get back up. I wasn’t going to let the lies of the enemy keep me from reaching, yet another, goal God had for me.

Reflection Essay - Peak Challenge – Houston, TX ATF

Being unable to test out for the Mountain LTE I was very sadden; this was going to be yet another core bonding LTE that I would be unable to participate in. I again sat on the side lines watching my core getting ready for the Mountain LTE and again walked them to the LTE and again had to say good-bye to them. I had to drop out of ESOAL for emergency leave months ago; and here I was again staying behind.

It was a bitter-sweet moment for me. I wouldn’t be able to go on the Mountain LTE but I was going to the Houston, TX Acquire the Fire event. I wasn’t able to be sad for too long, I had to prepare to drive six hours the next day to Houston. Packing everything the same night my core left, I woke up the next morning, packed the car with two friends and got on the road to ATF.

I had been to many ATF’s before, but never as an intern; and especially never really saw how they were run. This ATF event I learned a lot. I learned that there are many spiritual levels. That people do what they think others want them to do. People crave attention. And that people in leadership are made and called; not just called.

After viewing, participating, and praying; I left the ATF with a bitter taste in my mouth. ATF’s had always dramatically changed my life. The whole reason why I’m at the Honor Academy is because of an ATF. And here I was leaving the ATF sadden, broken-hearted and confused. Not because of God, not because of myself, not because of the speakers, not because of Teen Mania and especially not because of the ATF event itself; but because of the people that were attending the event.

I guess always attending the event I always had the mentality that ATF’s were fun, they were a cool place to hang out, the speakers were cool to listen to and the music rocked; but that was it – ATF was a sociable event that I went to yearly. It wasn’t a place I went to get refilled, it wasn’t a place I went to hear Gods word, it wasn’t a place I went to encounter God – it was just a place for a fun ‘clean’ time. And seeing others with this attitude and heart broke my heart.

People were so close to God, so close to knowing Him, seeing Him, sensing Him and they didn’t take that moment. They were too focused on the music, too focused on their friends, too focused on themselves that they missed God.

And it made me realize – I was in their exact spot a month earlier.

Reflection Paper - Midway Defense

The mid-year defense was rather nerve racking for me. I wasn’t worried about the defense itself, I knew God had called me here to the Honor Academy, but I was nervous about sharing something so personal to me – my blogs. For the first time, ever, I was openly sharing my blogs full of pain, heartache, suicide, and death. I was sharing all the things I had kept hidden for so long.

That was such a scary thought to me; fully opening up to a room of strangers about my life ‘story.’ And it wasn’t just the room of people who were reviewing my defense that read my blogs; it was my core advisor, my close friends and my roommates. Everyone was fascinated to read my blogs and to see the change that I had gone through. The change that God has made in me truly is as different as night and day. And being able to show God’s glory in that; made me want to share my defense - even though I was a little nervous.

Entering the room to give my defense, I was unsure of myself. What was I thinking sharing my blogs, poems and pictures? I set up my presentation and started talking. I hadn’t rehearsed anything. I didn’t know how too. After I had finished my defense, three out of the four people were crying, one told me I had dramatically changed their life by sharing, and another said they could see God’s radiance glowing from me. I was told that my defense was the best they had seen. I smiled and said thank you. I would be nothing without God’s grace.

While preparing my defense, that statement really started to stick with me. If it wasn’t for God loving me, watching over me and protecting me; I would be dead. I should be dead. But I’m not. God has a plan for my life, a plan that is bigger than anyone could have imagined, especially me. And reviewing everything that I’ve over come, God showed me how much He has prepared me for my calling.

And now I wait and see what else God has for me. Learning, healing and pouring into others along the way.

Reflection Essay - January Gauntlet

Going through the January gauntlet week was like going through my gauntlet week again: waking up early, meeting new people, switching rooms, and staying up late for sessions. But the January gauntlet was definitely a lot different than the August (mine) gauntlet; it was a lot more impactful.

My gauntlet week was filled with fear, doubt and timidity. I hardly spoke to anyone, I was quiet, to myself, hid in my bunk, and cried myself to sleep every night. I was so unsure of what I was doing and most importantly what God was doing. As soon as I step foot on Teen Mania soil I was immediately attacked with thoughts of doubt and thought insanity that I made a ‘mistake’ and wasn’t supposed to be at the Honor Academy. And now, six months later, God had worked so much in me that every trace of that fear and timid filled girl was gone. I was (and still am) filled with such joy and hope.

I remember having mini “core” meetings every night during gauntlet; I was terrified when asked to give my thoughts and point of views. I hardly spoke any words and hung my head; my heart hardly connecting with the conversation or the speakers. And this time I surprised myself and my core by opening every night. I would be the first one to speak, give my point of view and what God had shown me.

The first night of the gauntlet was definitely the most impactful to me. Ron Luce was speaking on how this year would be one of dramatic change and growth. He spoke to the Januaries on how they had to leave the hurts behind them and let God heal them; to let God consume them with fire and make them pure. Days before I had been set free from much bondage; this message touched my heart dearly.

After the session we were directly to go outside to a bond fire and to throw anything into the fire that might be holding us back; either psychical, tangible, mental or spiritual – anything that might hold us back from fully letting Christ control our lives. Even though I had done this days before, it reassured the commit I made to Christ; to give him all my bondages and to never look back on them.

I wrote everything that was holding me back on a piece of paper and walked to the fire; with a deep breath and smile I threw the paper in and walked back to my room – determined not to turn back on those things.

A new start, a new year, a new commitment.

Freedom

I’ve been writing one of my mentor’s about the things I’ve been feeling, the thoughts I have running through my head and the things I’ve been sensing. They suggested that I get a group of prayer warriors together and pray that everything would leave. To cast every evil spirit and demon out by name. I did hesitate at first but I did it. I guess I never thought that it would work for me, that I wasn’t worthy of that ‘freedom’ and ‘release.’ I'm glad I did I finally did though; I guess I had finally had enough.

For New Year's Eve and Day the HA had a party. For the count down we all went in to the auditorium and as soon as the New Year started we started to worship. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. I love to worship, but with the way that my mind had been going, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't focus on Christ. The negative thoughts came back and my head raced. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the music or Christ I couldn't. I sat on the floor crying out of pure frustration. Some of my core came over and sat next to me, praying for me. At that moment I hit my bottom. I couldn't deal with it any more I needed everything to leave.

After the worship we were released and I gathered a handful of my core and one of my sister core to talk to. We walked outside and I poured my heart to them. It really does feel better to tell your sin, hurt and pain with others. I told them everything that I had been struggling with the last few months: cutting, suicide, mind racing, self hate, immorality, the demons, the evil, everything. I told them everything. We then moved inside and sat in a corner and prayed. One of the girls prayed for me and then I prayed and then another girl. I didn't really expect to pray but I'm glad I did.

We cast everything out, we commanded everything to leave - I commanded everything to leave and for Satan to let me go. I can't explain what happened that night, but it was amazing. I haven't had a suicidal thought since, I haven't wanted to cut, haven't been depressed. I've been happy - truly happy and full of joy. I feel different, I feel changed. I don't feel that burden, pain, hurt or ache any more. I'm free. I know I'm free. I feel clean and pure. I don't feel controlled by that any more. I'm free!

It sounds weird when I try to explain it, but it's the truth. Prayer really is important and God's name is truly important. I learned that a lot that night. Now that doesn't mean I haven't had those same old thoughts, I have but I've been able to catch them as soon as they start and cast them out. I'm able to catch myself before I let things get too bad. And I was never able to do that before. I never saw them coming. Now I do.

I honestly feel different. I'm honestly a new person. Everyone keeps asking why I'm so happy, it shows, I'm not who I was. It blows my mind that something like that, a change so dramatic, could be so simple.