Heart Tattoos

You know, when I got my heart tattoo it never crossed my mind that so many people would notice it. I know that thought process seems absurd, but it’s the truth! I mean I was fully aware that I was putting a tattoo on my chest, but it just never crossed my mind that it would be that noticeable. Yes, I know, another absurd thought – but we all know how slow I am.

With me working as a cashier, I see a ton of people on a daily basis. And I guess I don’t really realize/remember that I have tattoos; because I’m use to them? They’re just a part of me. But to the guests passing through my line, my tattoos are new to them.

I’m constantly getting compliments on my heart tattoo and everyone wants to know where I got it done. There are a few people who ask how I got the idea and they’re blown away when I say I helped in creating it from my own drawings.

Tonight I was ringing up a couple, it was almost closing time and I had to get a price-check. So, there we are waiting for the person to come back with the correct price and the lady asks me about my tattoo. I tell her that I had all these drawings and how I took them to the tattoo artist and he pulled elements from all of them.

“What does it mean?” Asked the man. At first I was a little unsure if I should tell them. I didn’t know how they would respond. I mean here I am at work and I didn’t want it to seem like I was my ‘preaching’ at them.

“The heart was, is my heart, it was broken and God healed it. God sent the Holy Spirit to wash it out with living water. Then the Holy Spirit refined my heart with fire. And then God came to live in my heart and reign in my life.”

The couple then went quite. The guy stared at me for a few moments.

“So you’re a believer then?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

He stared for a few more moments and then he slowly smiled and nodded.

The price check person came back and I finished ringing up their purchase. As the couple was leaving, the guy turned around waved at me, smiled and said “God bless you.”

Another opportunity I had to share about My Almighty God, and I almost missed it.

Wouldn't that have been a shame?

I Need You to LOVE Me

I need you to love me.

Because sometimes, it feels like you're the only one. The only one that does love me. I need you to see me. I need you to help me. I need you to love me. Because without your love I would be more lost then I already am.

I float around this Earth, with no real clue of what I’m supposed to do. I try to act in the way I know you would want me to. But I always mess up. And the people closest to me throw my mistakes and miss-steps in my face and I feel so alone. I feel like no one loves me at all.

All I want is love Lord. The more I search for it, the more I try to reach for it or earn it - the more I get hurt. I need you to love me Lord. Because I know your love has no strings or conditions. You love me as the mess of a person that I am.  

And, I need you to remind me that I’m loved – by you. Because sometimes, I don’t love myself. Most of the time I can’t stand myself.

So, I need you to love me Lord, because you’re the only one who truly can.

"I don't have your back?"

I admit it, I'm one of "those Christian's" who says that God's in control and prays for God's will but at the first sign of trouble quickly throws prayer and godly vibes out the window to gain control.

I'm a HORRIBLY paranoid person. I'm always afraid something is going to happen or that I'm going to lose something important or I'm going to offend someone so badly they're never going to talk to me again. I struggle a lot with paranoia. So this has me praying - a LOT. Thomas has to be one of the most prayed over cars in the world. And who knows how many angels I have protecting myself and my belongings.

Because I'm afraid of leaving my purse in a locker at work, I carry a different work wallet with me when I'm a work. It's a little ID holder that holds my team member card, a debit card and my ID. I'm usually really careful with it because I'm so paranoid that I'll lose it and someone might use my debit card.

After working Christmas Eve, I emptied my pockets placing my ID holder and keys on top of Thomas and placed everything else inside. I then grabbed my keys, got in and drove home. It wasn't till later that evening when I noticed that my ID holder was missing.

I frantically searched my work pants, the top of my dresser and Thomas trying to find it - but it didn't show up. And that's when I remembered that I placed it on top of Thomas and must have left it there.

I instantly became enraged.

"How could you let this happen God?!"
"Why didn't you remind me about the ID holder??"
"Why can't you just have it appear? I know you can do it!"
"Why don't you ever help me?!"

I was so upset and knew it had to be somewhere in the parking lot. But by this time it was dark, late and I knew cops would be out patrolling and I didn't want to take the chance of getting caught without an ID (paranoid).

So all Christmas Eve night I prayed for protection over my ID holder and continually checked my debt account online to see if it was used. I couldn't go Christmas Day to see if anyone had turned in my ID holder. And the 26th I went to the valley for a family emergency.

So here I go the 27th still panicking and praying for my ID holder as I go to work to see if anyone had turned it in. And someone had. Apparently the ID holder fell off of Thomas somewhere in the Lowe’s parking lot; someone found it and turned it in to the manager – mid-Christmas Eve

After I got my ID holder back, I thanked the manager, sent the nice stranger good vibes and then I hoped in my car, ran some errands and started my way home. As I’m sitting in the car, waiting for the train to pass, I start to think about the whole ordeal.

“And here you were yelling and cussing me. Saying I don’t care and how I never watch your back! I had taken care of the problem before you even realized there was a problem!”

I imagined God giving me a snarky smirk, with His arms crossed over His chest and a childish spark in His eyes. I just smiled to myself and shook my head.

God always has my back, if I realize it or not. You’d think by now I would remember to trust Him, instead of blaming Him. But even when I get mad, yell and blame God, He’s still there watching out for me. I might get mad at Him, but He doesn’t get mad at me.

He’s always protecting me. In ways I might never know about.

Population -- Me

I’m becoming obsessed with Matthew West. I never realized before how much I really like his music.

One of the songs that God has really placed on my heart is ‘My Own Little World’. The song talks about how we sometimes because so ‘me’ focused that we forget that there are other people in the world. We only see ‘our’ would, ‘our’ life and we don’t realize that there are people that need our help and attention.

The music video shows a man who gets up, goes to work and has a daily routine. One day he sees a homeless widow standing on the corner and he realizes that she is a human. A living, breathing human who needs his help. So he helps her out and then the music video shows how he can help all these other people.

My favorite lyric is the line: “And my own little world reached population two”.

By taking just one moment, one moment of looking up from ourselves we can bring someone else into our lives and we can influence them.

The music video shows a homeless woman, a stranded mother with a child, a man who lost his job, a veteran with a broken vehicle, and a women crying on a bench.

Now, all these examples are great and we need to remember to help people in distress. But the group of people that the Lord placed on my heart was my father’s family.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned on this blog how I don’t get along with my father’s family. When I think of my “family” I think of my mother’s family and the people in Texas; the family I created for myself.

I purposely go out of my way to make sure that my dad’s side of the family is left out of the loop when it comes to the details of my life. I hardly communicate with any of them and when we have family-get-together’s I make sure to keep them at arm’s length. I try to avoid them at all costs.

Now, I know this isn’t very nice or very ‘Christ’-like. I know I shouldn’t have this much resentment towards them. And my reasoning is that I don’t want their lifestyle or principles to influence me. But God is starting to show me that I need to let them into ‘my own little world’. And just because they’ll be in ‘my own little world’ doesn’t mean that they’ll influence me - I could influence them.

My uncle passed today, my dad’s brother. He and I didn’t see eye-to-eye and honestly I couldn’t stand him. He wasn’t a very nice person to my father and me. But, he was a human. He was created and loved by God. My Almighty God.

I realize that I respect him more as a human-being now that he’s dead then when he was alive. And I know that’s not right.

God is starting to show me that I can, not like people. But by me not liking them, that doesn’t mean that I can despise them or even hate them. We’re all humans. We’re all created by God. We’re all His children.

If God loves me, His child, then that means that He loves them too, His other children. I don’t have to give them control or influence in my life, but I do need to validate them as His children. And even though they might not respect me as a human-being, I need to try to respect them as one.

‘Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me’

Happy Christmas

~~~
'Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.' - Luke 2:11 (NIV)

Blessed

With my new job, I finally feel like I'm working towards something. That I'm finally working towards a goal.

I really do enjoy working in retail/customer service positions. I like being able to interact with different people and have different/random conversations. I really do strive to make people smile and bring joy to their day.

There are so much negative and unhappy things going on all the time. If I can for a few minutes, while serving someone, make them smile or brighten their day I fill like I fulfilled my purpose for the day.

I was ringing up these two gentlemen, one wasn't really into talking and the other was. So I was talking and joking around with the one who wanted to talk. He asked me why I was so 'happy,' and I said "I'm blessed."

You could tell that I took him off his guard; he didn't expect me to say something like that. He paused for a few moments and then replied: "That's good to hear… that you're blessed. That's real good." I then explained that I had been looking for a job for nine months and just recently got hired. He smiled and said that was good to hear and told me to keep up the good work.

The man who didn't feel like talking looked up at me when I said I was 'blessed.' He was surprised I had said that as well, but you could feel the atmosphere changing around us.

It's amazing what a few small words can do.

Blessed:

Adjective - Made holy; consecrated.

Noun - Those who live with God in heaven.

Synonyms - blissful, happy, holy, beatific, blest.

I'm the One

I don’t know how many times I’ve stated on this blog that ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart is my favorite song. This song brings me so much peace and love. I know God uses this song to bring me closer to Him.

About a month ago, I created a ringtone for my phone of this song. I find it a little awkward, sometimes, when I’m out in public and my phone rings. You hear this loud ringtone playing music and a males’ voice singing:
“I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams”
The last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling really lonely. I’ve been craving some kind of affectionate attention. It’s been really hard on me, and I have to remind myself that I don’t want a fleeting touch. A touch that lasts a few short waving moments and then leaves just as quickly as it came.

This morning I was folding my laundry, my mind wondering to things it shouldn’t. I was listening to my custom iTunes playlist, my phone sitting next to me, and without realizing it ‘Wishes and Dreams’ started to play. The next thing I know the chorus of the song starts to play and my phone also starts to ring. I picked up the phone, talked to the person, hung up and got back to my folding. And then I realize what song was play and I corrected my thinking.

After a few more morning chores I’m now in my room, checking my email and still listening to my playlist. Again, for a few more seconds I’m thinking of things I know I shouldn’t do. And again, ‘Wishes and Dreams’ plays across my speakers and as soon as the chorus starts my phone rings - in sync with the song.

And then it hits me, God was trying to tell me something. I missed it the first time, but He didn’t give up. God tried again to gain my attention and my emotions of love and satisfaction.

As soon as I made this realization, I was shocked, surprised and a little ashamed. Shocked that God tried twice to get my attention, surprised that God would even try to tell me how much He loves me and ashamed that I didn’t go to Him first.

I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask God to remind me of how He loves me. I didn’t ask God to help me correct my thoughts. I just allowed myself to dwell on the wanting of my skin.

However, God didn’t just sit back in the atmosphere. He didn’t wait patiently as I toyed with the ideas of how I could please myself. God roared in with the promises He made me. He stated loudly what He could do and how He could make me feel.

And when I didn’t get it the first time, He did it again. And I believe, if I didn’t get it the second time He would have done it a third and a fourth. Because that’s how much He loves me! That’s how much God loves us.

God tells us on a daily basis how much we mean to Him. I’m saddened to think how many times we miss it. How many times does God have to tell us again and again and again?

But He won’t give up. He’ll never give up.

“Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you”

No Matter What

"No Matter What"
By Rapture Ruckus

Let, Let, Let’s Go
No matter what people say (they say)
No matter what comes my way
If I fall to the floor I’m gonna get down
Get up I get down
Get up I get

We broke the chains we shattered the mould
This is the new school hip hop from the days of old
This is the newest the truest
The best that there is
Let’s take it back to the block
And then whistle this
This is what you all came for
What I got my name for
Lifting up the name that is above every name
You’re still rhyming about your rims and tyres
But you can’t take ‘em with you when your life expires
Oh!

No matter what people say (they say)
No matter what comes my way (my way)
If I fall to the floor I’m gonna get down
Get up I get down
Get up I get

No matter what people say (they say)
No matter what comes my way (my way)
If I fall to the floor I’m gonna get down
Get up I get down
Get up I get

This is hip hop’s undisputed heavyweight hard hitter
Double R makes the beat go BLAH!
Wonder how, wound which, what will come next
Just bang your head to the tracks
Until your back collapse
They try squeeze us in a box and it’s never gonna stop
Some pop hip hop rock man we blow the roof off the top
The industry is crashing no worries for us
They never helped us in the first place to blow up
So I keep on keepin’ on keep it the same
No MySpace page or major label’s runnin’ my game
So at the end of the day if they download and don’t pay
Well hey I’ll make a bed out of hay and praise His name anyway
Anyway this is now the moral of the story
We do this for the love it don’t do it for the glory
And surely you can understand and relate
So one time one rhyme one voice let’s say

No matter what people say (they say)
No matter what comes my way (my way)
If I fall to the floor I’m gonna get down
Get up I get down
Get up I get

And if you fall one time, you get back up
And if you fall two times, you get back up
And if you fall three times, you get back up

No matter what people say (they say)
No matter what comes my way (my way)
If I fall to the floor I’m gonna get down
Get up I get down
Get up I get

Genesis 50:20

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
- Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

This is Where I Draw the Line

The last few days I’ve been waking up singing worship lyrics in my head. This happens to me from time to time, I’ve even woken myself singing out loud in my sleep.

It amazes me how majestic our God is. It blows my mind how we might not recognize just how phenomenal our God is in the natural, but our spirits can sense Him and what He’s doing in the spiritual and are sometimes so overjoyed that we do things we don’t realize.

It fills me with an overwhelming amount of joy to know that my spirit loves God so much, that it will worship the Lord at any and every moment – even in my sleep.

”Set me on fire
Burn me up
Burn me up
Burn me all the way
Until there's nothing left but You
Set me on fire

This is where the old me dies
This is where I draw the line”
-‘Draw the Line’ by Disciple

Bor-ee-to

Languages

Me Without You

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’ - Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)
We all have personal things we struggle with on a daily basis. We mentally or emotionally struggle within ourselves with things we know we ‘shouldn’t’ do.

“I can’t eat that cookie.”
“I don’t really want to go to that movie.”
“Don’t visit that web-site.”
“I shouldn’t talk to that person.”
“I can’t go to that store.”
“I need to stay away from that.”

We recite things over and over in our minds hoping that it will stick. That magically, we will stop wanting what we’re craving. Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we focus more on our secret indiscretion that it drives us crazy, until we’re so wound up that we can’t think of anything else.

And sometimes, we commit our secret pleasure. And for a split second it’s worth it. And then the guilt, shame and regret set in.

We all have things we struggle with. Some have less negative outcome then others. And some feel as if they destroy our lives.

But we need to remember that we need to hold on. We cannot give up.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time remembering this. I was at the lowest I’ve been in a while. I had to coach myself not to fall. Because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be able to catch myself until I hit the very bottom.

I’ve gone a year without harming myself; I’ve only done this once before. Every time I fall, I fall further than I did the last time. The self-harm gets worse, more intense. It happens more often. I self-medicate with anything and everything I can get my hands on.

It’s a very low point for me. That is until, somehow, God breaks through the veil of darkness I place up around me shinning with His miraculous and gracious light.

So here I was, a few weeks ago, fighting as hard as I could against the craving of a blade. And I felt like I couldn’t do. I literally felt like I couldn’t fight anymore.

I was casting away the thoughts, praying, quoting scriptures and listening to worship music. But the feeling was still there, I still wanted to harm myself. As I prayed the feeling only intensified.

I found my way to a religious web-site where I could chat live with someone for prayer and encouragement. I was connected with someone and I told them briefly what I was struggling with. They suggested that I cast away the thoughts that we’re haunting me. They gave me scriptures to quote out loud. They suggested bands for me to listen to for encouragement. And all I could think was, ‘This isn’t helping!’

Me: I know you’re trying to help. And I don’t mean to sound rude. But everything you’re suggesting isn’t helpful. I am already doing the things you’ve suggested.
Person: Sometimes we need to be reminded of the things God says.

Then it clicked and everything was instantly better. The desire to harm myself vanished.

I was doing everything I knew to keep myself strong and protected (spiritually), but I allowed myself to believe the lie truth that God wasn’t hearing my prayers and pleas of salvation.

Sometimes we need someone else to remind us of God’s truth to confirm that we’re okay and that we’re on the right path. We can do productive things over and over, and sometimes over time they feel like they’re not working – but they are.

God, is always there. And with Him, we can look at our daily struggles and we can overcome them. We just need to believe - that we can. 

’And where would I be
Without You...

I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
It's true
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou’
- ‘Me Without You’ by Toby Mac

Get DOWN!

I’m in Thomas, going my merry little way. I’m listening to Air1 and then ‘Get Down’ by Audio Adrenaline comes across my speakers.

A shiver immediately went down my spine and all I could think of was rain, push-ups and my face in a puddle.

Yes, I know. This is a very strange memory to have about a song. But it’s my memory, and even though I make it sound traumatic, it actually makes me laugh when I think about it.

While at the Honor Academy during corporate exercise there would be music playing over the sound system. One day the instructor of the exercises decided to introduce this song to our exercise routine.

He would instruct us to get into an up push-up position (arms stretched out and on your tippy toes), and every time the word ‘down’ was sang in the song you would do a push-up. And then you would go back into the up push-up position until the word was sang again and then do another push up.

If you listen to the song, the word ‘down’ is sang four times in the first chorus, once in the second verse, eight times in the second chorus and then 24 times in a row at the end of the song.

I think the reason why this memory is so prominent in my mind, is because when I was at the HA that was the worst rain session that Texas had had in a while. It would rain so bad that we couldn’t hear the instructor when they called out the exercises we just had to copy the people in front of us.

I vividly remember being in the up push-up position, it raining lightly and going down into a push-up and lifting my head as much as I could to not put it into a puddle of water.

I know what you’re thinking: “You could have moved.” And I did, into this smaller puddle that I was trying to avoid.

There were so many of us working out together and being stretched out for the push-up; there just wasn’t enough room on the black-top. And because it was raining so much there were puddles EVERYWHERE. You couldn’t escape it.

So, even after all these years, whenever I hear this song I can’t help but think of corporate exercise at the HA and having the urge to switch the song.

Let's Get Physical

Proverbs 31:25

Source.
Free printable.

Romans 8:26

Source.

Need You Now

This past week was very hard for me, mentally. I had a lot of ‘dark’ moments this past week and even a few scary ones. I feel like I have cut myself off from people the last year and half.

Ever since I left Texas, I feel like I don’t communicate with people on a deeper level as much. I’ll admit, when I was in Colorado, I was in a DEEP depression. I HATED Colorado. I was always down, depressed and lonely. I felt so isolated. And when I tried to share with people that I normally shared with, I felt like they didn’t have time for me or just didn’t care – out of sight, out of mind. I felt deep in my soul that I had somehow burned all of my bridges by moving away.

Now, I knew that God was calling me to Colorado, so I followed where He lead. I know, that I needed that alone time with God. The years I was in Texas I was surrounded by people. I constantly had someone watching over me/my back. I had a lot of people to be accountable to. I had a good amount of mentors/spiritual leaders I could look up to and ask for help/advice. I knew this was a test for me to see how well I could do on my own. And I know, to an extent, I failed it. However, the Lord did show and teach me a lot at that time.

The Lord showed me that I wouldn’t crash, burn and die without a ton of people helping me/keeping a close eye on me. I would only crash and burn – from time to time. He showed me that I could provide for myself and that I could do things on my own. With how much I hated Colorado, I still believe without a doubt that I was supposed to go there. Why? Because it brought me home, back to Cali.

When I lived in Texas, I was terrified to move back to Cali. I was so afraid to move back into this house, my dad’s house. Before I left Cali and went to Texas a lot of bad things went down in this house. And I was so frightened that the things that happened before I left would continue to happen. But by me moving to Colorado, it made me realize who really had my back – my family. And that’s when I realized it was time for me to come back home, it was time for me to face the demons that were laughing in my face and it was time for me to confront the things I had run away from.

So, here I am, back in Cali stronger than I was before I left but still not strong enough. I am happier then when I was in Colorado and I’m not as depressed. I feel a little more like myself. But I still feel isolated, I still feel like my bridges are burnt and I am still lonely. And to be honest, I think I feel the loneliest I have ever felt.

I am constantly reminded by God, the music I listen to and by a handful of friends that I am important, loved and that I am a Fighter. But even with looking back at everything I’ve overcome, worked through and have learned – I feel like it doesn’t matter because all I see is an ugly overweight girl in her mid-twenties wasting her life. Who is STILL struggling with things in her past and has to remind herself on a daily basis that she cannot run from life and can’t have a “do-over.”

This past week, I scared myself very badly. For the first time, in about a year, I heavily thought about harming myself and I started a suicide plan. And all I could think of was that I had no one to talk to or to help me because I had burnt all my bridges and no one really cared if I lived or died.

So I sat in my room, with the door closed and rocked myself on my bed while listening to music and repeated to myself “I am loved and precious.”And I somehow was able to calm myself down enough to go to bed.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I overcome I will ALWAYS be this ugly overweight girl who struggles, alone, with the thought of harming or killing herself.

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
-‘Need You Now (How Many Times)’ by Plumb

Need You Now - How Many Times

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"
By Plumb
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Bucket List

I’ve been browsing through a Tumblr account for a few hours now, it’s a collection of ‘Bucket List’ pictures. Pictures with words across them depicting what you would like to do/accomplish in your life before you die.

As I look through all these pictures I found some odd, some creepy, some uninteresting and some heartfelt. Some of them I’ve already ‘accomplished’ in my life, things that I never would have thought to be ‘life changing’ or something to ‘aim towards.’

These last few months have been hard on me, mentally. I seem to find myself feeling trapped, useless and aimless. I feel like I’m failing myself, failing God. These last few years have not gone how I had planned or hoped for. I feel like I’m stuck, stuck in a rut not making any traction towards improving myself.

I feel like I’m wasting my life, and to be honest, I’m starting to believe it.

I might have done all these ‘amazing’ things in my past, but I’m not doing anything with my present or for my future. I’m splashing in stagnant water with no earnest motive to get out.

So here I sit, listening to anthems and reading inspirational pictures to rediscover enthusiasm to continue on…

Source.

To see my Bucket List click here.

Top 25 on iTunes

Since I'm always obsessing over music in my posts, I thought it would be fun to share what's the most listened to songs on my iTunes.

I was SUPER surprised with what songs were on this list. Some of these songs I don't even like that much, ha ha. I really thought there would be a ton of different songs on this list than what's here.

However, I can look at the songs on this list and I know exactly what I was thinking and feeling that made these songs my top 25 most listened to songs. And some of these songs I haven't listened to in forever, so it was nice to listen to them a few more times.

I think it's rather pathetic that my favorite song of ALL time is at #9 and it's so far behind #1. And, to be honest, I'm rather ashamed of what #1 is, ha ha.

But, I am happy to see that there are more happy, feel good, silly and party songs then there are sad songs.

Beauty from Ashes

Source.
I truly believe the reason why I love to write, why writing is easier for me then speaking, why I have a ‘gift’ in writing is because I never felt like I could speak to my parents. I never felt like I could tell them exactly how I was feeling or what I thought. I still didn’t think my parents cared about what I said or took it to heart. I was afraid to speak to my parents. I was afraid to share, with anyone. I felt like I had lost my voice.

I bottled up all my deepest, truest and hardest emotions & thoughts deep within my soul – until they ate me alive. When I first started my process of healing, it was so HARD for me to share/expressive how I felt. It was easier for me to type out, write out or show my mentors/counselors my journal entries. I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud everything I had been keeping under lock and key.

I’ve slowly learn to use my voice. To speak how I feel and to share what I think. It’s been a slow and hard process that I’m still working on.

I’ve been keeping journals, blogs, poems and stories for as long as I can remember. They were/are my precious treasure. They are me – raw, true and vulnerable.

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t change anything. I’ve learned how important a voice is and how precious words are.

This is why I have my gift. How I can write the way I do.

This is why I love music and why I like to draw. It’s the reason why I love tattoos.

This is what God first used to show me that He can make beauty from ashes.

Amazing parenting tips to show that you do care and listen to your children, click here.

I’ll be the One.

One of my ALL time favorite songs is ‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart. No matter what mood I’m in (good, bad, life changing, etc.) this song instantly snaps me out of my reality and into a state of worship.

I don’t remember when I first heard this song and I don’t remember when this song became a favorite of mine. What I do remember is the desire and the deep aching of wanting a relationship described in the song.
’I’m watching you from a scenic view
Taking in your every move
Who you tried so hard to be
Full of Wishes and dreams
That did not come true for you
I can read you like a book
Sad stories everywhere I look
Faded pictures remind you when
What could have been
Did not come true for you [2x]

[chorus]
I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams

Is it so hard to believe what
Your eyes cannot see
Your dream come true
A love to fall into
I’m waiting to show you [2x]’
I tried to find a physical relationship, described in the song, but it failed – horribly. I was hurt, scarred, devastated and for a little bit, lost. I couldn’t listen to this song for a very long time; it hurt too much to listen to it. It reminded me of the relationship I tried to build on these lyrics.

It wasn’t until I invited God into this heartache that He started to heal me from this relationship. And that’s when I realized that this relationship that I was idolizing – I could have. It was in my reach.

It’s a relationship with God.

Here I was hoping, longing, wishing for someone to come and sweep me off my feet and take away every little pain I had EVER felt in my life. And all along it was right in front of me – I had already started it, I just had to nurture it. I had to allow God into my hurt, into my pain, into my emotions, into my memories, and into my heart. I had to allow Him to rewrite my story and retake my pictures.

I had to allow God to make me whole, so that we could be whole together – forever.

Breathe

There’s a thing called ‘DUSTING’

I try to trick myself on a daily basis that I’ve come to terms with my mother’s passing. Some days I can even convince myself that it was the best thing for her (she was in so much pain). But sometimes, I can’t sell myself the lie.

Today I’ve spent a good part of the day packing up my mom’s left over belongings. After seven years they’re still key objects that haven’t been packed yet. I picked up an angel figuring that I remember use to sit in different locations in my parents room. Mom moved it around all the time, I think she just loved to look at it, as do I.

I picked it up off the shelf and I said a little prayer out loud, “Lord, please don’t let any of these things break.” I placed the angel on my bed to grab newspaper to wrap it in – and then, I stood in shock and terror as it rolled off the bed and bounced on the carpet towards the tile hallway. I knew if it bounced on the tile that it would break. “Don’t break!” I cried out as it stopped a few inches away from the tile. I rushed to the angel’s side, held it in my hands and to my chest .Then, I had a panic attack.

As I stood there, holding the angel tight to my heart, I tried to remember how to breathe and cried heavily. As I became frantic I prayed a pleading prayer, “Please God, don’t let anything break! Please don’t let anything break. Please God! Don’t let anything break!... It’s all I have left… It’s all you’ve left me…”

I sat on the bed, still holding the angel close to my heart as a memory came back to me.

I was about 13 or 14; mom and I were Spring-cleaning my room. Mom was up on a ladder dusting off the shelves above my window, she had been picking on me all afternoon about how dusty my room was. “There’s a thing called dusting, you know,” she repeated over and over as we both laughed and giggled.

I sat on the bed smiling slightly as I heard her playful tone, “There’s a thing called dusting! Gosh Stella!”

The Lord has left me more than just her belongings. He left me happy memories of our time together and a sense of knowing that He cares for me and mourns with me.

Hungry?

The Hunger Games came out on DVD yesterday. I wasn’t able to see it in the theatres. I desperately want to see this movie. Saturday (yesterday) I drove to almost all the RedBox’s in my area to find the movie, but by the time I got there it was gone. Today (Sunday) again, I drove to different RedBox’s to get the movie, but once I got there the movie was gone. I was starting to get a little frustrated. I opened the RedBox app on my iPhone and once again checked to see what kiosk’s had the movie.

‘The market across the street, I can totally get that one!’ I hopped in my car, drove to the market and rushed inside. As I turned the corner to the RedBox there was a man standing at the kiosk, he hit The Hunger Games icon and started to read the description.

‘Please don’t let that be the only one in the box.’ I wished into the atmosphere. He stood there for a minute reading the description as I became more anxious. ‘No. NO! Don’t get the movie. DON’T GET THE MOVIE!’ I pleaded with my mind. He then hit ‘add to cart,’ paid for the movie and walked away. I walked up to the box, hit the button to see what was inside and The Hunger Games was no longer available.

Once home I sat in the car and laughed to myself over the random circumstances. “It was right there. RIGHT THERE! I saw it and then it was gone!” I said out loud to my empty car. “I never see you this worked up when you miss church. ‘I could have gotten healed. But I missed the service. Dang it!’ or ‘Lord I could have had an amazing encounter with you but I chose not to. I was so foolish!’” I felt God mocking me and teaching me a lesson at the same time.

That’s how things usually work, isn’t it? We get angry and upset over not getting physical/earthly things. But who cares about the spiritual gifts from God that pass over our head? The thought never crosses our mind that we should be upset.

How many gifts do we pass up on a daily basis? Imagine, God has this life changing miracle for us but we decided that we don’t want to follow Him and head in a different direction. It’s Sunday morning and we stay in bed instead of going to church. And we lose the opportunity to be prayed over to break the hardship we’re struggling with.

I don’t want to imagine how many times I’ve passed up God or His gifts for me. But I know I am going to try and be more observant of what I could be passing up.

Compassion

When I lived in Colorado every time I exited a certain ramp off the highway there was always a man at the end of the off-ramp asking for money. I always saw the same two men, one who had a military duffel bag and one with a dog.

When I saw these men, my heart went out to them. I always wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to give them money, I was afraid they wouldn’t spend it on food or water. So instead, I prayed for them. Every time I saw one of them I prayed that the Lord would watch over, protect and provide for them. I even prayed for the dog.

Lately I’ve been asked by a few people if I could “spare some change.” I say no, mostly because I don’t carry cash, but also because that fear is still in me. I want to help people. I want to stop starvation and end homelessness, but I know at this moment that’s most likely improbable.


I’ve been crafting a lot lately and since I’m not good at measuring how much product I need, I find myself constantly going to the store to buy more. I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, into a space, grabbed my bag, closed my car door and started walking towards the entrance. A woman came up to me, told me her story and asked if I could spare any money. I told her no, sorry and entered the building.

Her story repeated over and over in my head while I shopped. She needed money to buy food for her dogs. I went to the dog food aisle, grabbed two packets of inexpensive dog food and prayed. “Lord, if she truly needs this food please allow me to see her when I leave.”

And that was it. My mind was at rest.

I’ve attempted this a few times before, getting people what they’re asking for instead of giving them money. The first few times didn’t work out like I had thought, they rejected the food. But I knew that God would honor my prayer.

I paid for my things and walked out the door. I was looking down, at my bag, and when I lifted my head – there she was, crossing the aisle I had parked my car. I called out to her and told her I wasn’t able to give her money, but I had bought her food. She smiled, took the food and seemed truly happy. She thanked me and walked away.

“God bless you.” She called out to me.

God bless you too.

Closer

 "So keep your head up high and dust off your shoulders
It's alright, no, it's not over
Love is here, it came to dry up all your tears
Oh, can you feel it
Gotta believe it, gotta see it
By your side in the middle of the night
So keep your head up high and the dust off your shoulders
It's alright, no it's not over"
-'Headphones' by Britt Nicole

Catch and Stop

My mind has defiantly been a battlefield the last few days. I am glad to say that I’m winning. It’s hard to stand on your own, especially when you’re fighting your own thoughts. It’s like you’re trapped, in your own mind.

I’ve become obsessed with watching Criminal Minds lately. One of the characters is Dr. Spencer Reed. He’s a super genius with tons of doctorates and masters. He’s socially awkward, is usually unsure of himself and has a schizophrenic mother. His greatest fear is that he too will be diagnosed with this disorder.

Throughout the series Reed struggles with keeping his mind in order and clear. In an episode a sociopathic teenage boy went to Reed and admitted that he was struggling with his thoughts and emotions. Reed instantly related to the boy and tried to help in any way. One of the other characters confronted Reed telling him that he wasn’t responsible for the boy. “I know how it feels to be afraid of your own mind,” Reed responded.

I wonder how many people know this feeling. I know as an adolescent I was terrified of my mind – at moments, I still am. I surrounded myself with loud music and books to distract myself and to drown out the noise. I wanted my mind to stop racing. I wanted to stop all my thoughts and all my desires. My desires felt as if they controlled me. I wanted to want to stop harming myself.

At the end of the episode the boy tried to kill himself. The boy thought if he killed himself he would be saving all the lives he would take in the future. Reed saved him. Reed confessed to one of his superiors that he was glad that he saved the boy, but he was afraid that he might have saved a soon to be murder. “What if he starts killing when he’s older?” Reed asked. “Then you catch him and stop him.”

Catch him and stop him. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? To identify the issue and then correct or destroy it. When your mind feels so out of control, you’re aware that something could be wrong but you don’t know how to fix it. I thought about and attempted suicide, I thought it was the only way to make my mind stop racing. It wasn’t until I realized that I had to take ONE thing at a time and correct it, until my mind started to slow down.

It took me a while, but I slowed down my mind and I regained control of it. It was a hard, messy and stretching journey – but I made it through. I also realized that I couldn’t heal myself. I had to rely on experienced others and on God. I had to trust that He had a plan and a future for me, and that He would get me there.

And He did. And He is.

“I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Glory shows up
Exposes us
I’m naked here
Forsaken here
By the dark
By the dark
Damn the dark.”
-"In the Dark" by Flyleaf

In the Dark

"In the Dark"
By FlyLeaf

I’ve written songs
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
I’ve felt inspired
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
I hide myself
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark
Used to be afraid
Of the dark, of the dark, of the dark, of the dark
Those in the light know we die
In the dark, in the dark, in the dark, in the dark

There’s only artificial light here
My flaws hide well here
I used to be afraid of cluttered noises
Now I’m afraid of silence
Fill this space
Idle words

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Now I am mute despite myself
All of them are gone
The silence overtakes me
The idle words forsake me
And I am left to face me

I’m held accountable
For every idle word
Curse the idle words

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Glory shows up
Exposes us
I’m naked here
Forsaken here
By the dark
By the dark
Damn the dark

I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Waiting.

You know those romantic comedies that usually have a main female character in her late 20’s/early 30’s and all she sees are couples, people getting married and babies. And throughout the whole movie she’s trying to find the ‘one’ so she can start ‘living her life’ and live ‘happily ever-after’ with two children running around in a backyard enclosed by a white picket-fence. Along the way funny/awkward moments happen and she usually grows as a person or learns something about herself. Then at the end she finds the ONE and either marries him or gets engaged, then the movie ends and you’re left to think: What happens next?

I’ve been feeling like that ’girl’ lately. Not that I’m heavily searching for the one, but everywhere I look I see people paired off, a lot of my friends/acquaintances are either getting engaged or married, and babies are popping out all around me. And all I can think of: Where are their lives going to go from here?

Right after I graduated from The Honor Academy, it seemed like everyone in my class quickly started to court, got engaged or got married. Now, of course it wasn’t everyone but it felt that way. Engagement pictures and wedding pictures popped up all over my Facebook feed. This happened for a couple of years. It died for a few months and then the ‘baby coming’ pictures started to show up on my feed. Again the announcements died, and then, here they come again! Wedding invitations and baby showers, it’s like a never ending wave of announcements being shoved in my face.

Now I’m not saying I’m not happy for these people or that I’m jealous in anyway, it’s just a lot to take in. And to be honest, I just don’t understand it. I know I wasn’t the ‘normal’ adolescent and I have had a lot of issues, but I can’t imagine myself getting married and having kids at the age I’m at now or was at when I graduated from The HA. And here people my age or younger having kids and getting married.

While at The HA, for one of the women sessions, a speaker talked to the group about living a full and happy single life. She said being an intern people are always talking about how great and wonderful married life would be, but why can’t single life be grand as well? She encouraged us to go out and see the world, experience new and exciting adventures, grow and discover who you are. She said being married is a wonderful thing, but that things do become difficult when you add a spouse or children to the mix.

That always stuck with me. With all the times I’ve moved since The HA, I can’t even imagine trying to do that with a spouse or children. Or all the crazy and spontaneous things I’ve done, I don’t think I could have done or experienced half of those things. A few times people have told me that they wished they could have done some of the things I’ve done, but they can’t because of relationships or circumstances. I feel blessed that I’ve been able to experience the things I’ve done.

I’ve had so much growth in my life overall and in my spiritual life since The HA. It was so hard and sometimes difficult going through the changes the Lord was making in my life. And to think I could have dragged others through all that muck with me, it wouldn’t have been fair.

So I’m waiting and living. I’m living my life and growing as a person. I’m waiting on the Lord to tell me I’m ‘ready’ for the next session of my life. And I’m praying that when the Lord does bring that ‘special person’ into my life, I’ll be ready for them - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I’m praying that ‘special person’ will be ready for me too.

Muscle Memory

I like to think I’ve matured. That I’ve grown up. I’m an adult, or that at least I act like one. But then I have moments and make actions that I wish I could take back. In these moments I don’t act ‘grown up’ or like an ‘adult.’ I don’t act mature, I act like the lost scared girl I was.

I’m constantly dealing with triggers, triggers that drag me back into my depression and sadness. Triggers that don’t only mentally take me back but also emotionally, and when those emotions come rushing back like an open dam I revert back to the person I don’t want to be.

I left home, because I knew I couldn’t find healing and safety there. My biggest fear moving back to California was living in that house again. Now that I’m here living in this house, I do see the growth I’ve made – I am a different person. I moved back to California because I knew it was time for me to mend the relationship I left in shambles. I needed to face my demons head on.

I think for the most part I’m doing well. However, sometimes memories of past events invade my mind and I relive that fear, hopelessness and destruction. Or certain words are said and I react the same way I would have four years ago. I’m afraid that the ghosts of the past are reflecting the present instead of the other way around.

I knew this house was going to influence me. I just hope that I’m strong enough to not allow it to engulf me – again.

Beautiful with my Scars

"Fear: That my depression will defeat & define me.

Dream: To be able to say I'm beautiful with my scars."
Source: To Write Love On Her Arms
I’m not ashamed of my scars. And I hope that I never will be. My scars are who I am. They’ve helped make and mold me into whom I am today.

I don’t glorify them however, I’m not proud that I placed them on my skin. I don’t try to justify or defend them. I know that placing a blade to my skin wasn’t smart, and that it didn’t take away the pain. I know now that self-harm and suicide doesn’t solve or help. It’s a rotting Band-Aid that only infects.

I struggle on a constant basis with my depression and sadness. I’ll admit this past week I thought about cutting and suicide. I even played with the idea for a second. One second. And then the second second, I realized what I was doing and I immediately repented and forced myself to think different thoughts.

I’m afraid that I will allow myself to believe in the lie that ‘cutting is okay.’ I’m afraid that I will become deeply depressed and that I will truly consider suicide as the ‘only option.’ I’m afraid that all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for ‘nothing.’ I’m afraid that I will live my life uneventfully and that I will not lead anyone to Christ. I’m afraid of wasting my life…

But then I look at my scars and I remember that I survived. I remember that I’m a Forsaken Fighter. And I remember that God healed my broken Heart for a reason. And that gives me hope.

Hope, that maybe, breathing is enough.
For now.

---

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. - Taken off the TWLOHA Facebook page.

Day of Joy

I have amazing friends. I was a little unsure yesterday about today. Today marks 7 years since my mom has been in heaven.

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to celebrate this day instead of mourning it. I usually plan things on July 7th that with be fun and joyful. But this year the date kind of crept up on me without warning. With no plans made and anxiety around the corner, my friends jumped into action and changed their plans to be with me.

One friend picked me up and we headed to the mall to Build a Bear, to buy Ruth her present and then we met up with another friend where we gorged on food and had way too much laughter.

It was a nice unexpected day. I feel so blessed to have people who love me so much that they support me in my weakness.

Lunch with friends. 

 

Ruth, the Build a Bear I made in remembrance of my mom.

Seven Years

This afternoon an extreme sense of anxiety overwhelmed me. I've had a couple of panic attacks this afternoon, which has now become uncommon for me. I use to get them often a few years ago, but the last couple of years I haven't had hardly any.

Tomorrow, July 7th, marks seven years since my mother has passed. This will be the second time I've been home for the date. I think me being in my dad's house is what's getting to me. It's all too familiar.

The other times I've been in different states doing different things. I've always had something planned, something to distract me. This year, I don't have anything planned. It kind of snuck up on me. I was doing fine until this afternoon when I became extremely anxious, nervous and overwhelmed.

Overall, I think I'm doing great with dealing with tomorrow. I'm not sad, depressed, down or dreading it. I wasn't really feeling any emotion about the day until this afternoon.

I know it’s the enemy trying to shake me. I’m trying my best to not allow him too. I’ve been praying against anxiety, shame, guilt, sadness and death.  

And I know if I keep my thoughts and emotions on God, He’ll get me through it.

He always does.

Breathe You In

"Breathe You In"
By Thousand Foot Krutch

Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

[Chorus:]
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

[Chorus]

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Wanna breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I wanna breathe

Puppy Love

I love my dogs they bring me so much joy and entertainment. I have two Chihuahua’s, Mona and Parker. I got Parker when he was a puppy, I named him after a character in a book that I read and fell in love with. He and I are inseparable. We adopted Mona into the family from a family member because they weren’t taking good care of her. Mona is Parker’s mom.

The other day I went into the back yard to feed the dogs left overs. I called Mona over, gave her a bone and she ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Parker, feed him some scraps, gave him a bone and he ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Mona back, feed her scraps, gave her another bone and she ran back to her spot. I called Parker back one more time to feed him the rest of the scraps, gave him one last bone and then he ran off – to another spot, leaving his first bone. Mona looks up, notices the deserted bone, runs, picks it up and takes it back to her pile. Mona is then left with three bones and Parker one. Mona, she’s one smart and sneaky dog.

Today I was standing in my dad’s room speaking with his girlfriend when I noticed through the window that Parker is sitting in the doorway of his dog house. I look at him and he starts to bark at me. “Really? You’re going to bark at me?” He walks out of the dog house to get closer to the window and starts to bark continually. “Stop barking at me!” He barks again. “Don’t make me go out there.” I glare at him. He glares back at me and barks - once more. I immediately turn, walk down the hall and out the back door into the yard. Parker runs towards the door, I bark at him and pretend to attack him and he runs back into the dog house barking all the way. Parker, he’s all bark and no bite.

My dogs make me laugh, very much. The things they do are just so silly.

Book Review: Heart to Heart

The novel is based off of the medical theory of ‘muscular memory.’ Muscular memory is the theory of how an organ can hold memories or traits of a person. There’s no proof, statistics or tests that can prove that this theory is real. However, there are a lot of stories of receptions of organ donations that say they did start doing things out of their character once they got their organ transplant. McDaniel created ‘Heart to Heart’ off of this theory.

‘Heart to Heart’ focuses on three main characters: Elowyn, Kassey, and Arabeth. Elowyn and Kassey are best friends, and have been for years. They do everything and go everywhere together. Arabeth has a weak heart and has been medically struggling to stay alive and healthy. When a tragic accident suddenly takes Elowyn’s life, her parents are left with the decision to grant their daughters last wish – to be an organ donor. With the end of Elowyn’s life, Arabeth’s life finally starts. Because of Arabeth’s heart condition she never had the chance to be a ‘real’ kid and have a ‘real’ life. With Arabeth finally living a ‘normal’ life, she realizes that some of her personality traits have changed. Arabeth finds herself saying, doing and acting in ways she’s never done before, Arabeth is convinced that her organ donor is haunting her. With the help of Elowyn’s parents, Elowyn’s boyfriend and Kassey, Arabeth discovers who Elowyn is and why Arabeth is compelled to act certain ways.

‘Heart to Heart’ was written in the perceptive of Kassey and Arabeth. The novel portrayed how Kassey felt after her best friend’s death Elowyn and how she worked through the mourning process. Once Kassey is introduced to Arabeth, Kassey deals with the situations of how much Arabeth reminders her of Elowyn. After Arabeth receives the heart transplant, not only does she need to adjust to ‘normal’ life but Arabeth is also left to deal with urges and thoughts she feels like she cannot control. Throughout the novel the memory of Elowyn unites and ties all the characters together in a somewhat familiar way.

Overall, I really enjoyed the story and I felt that McDaniel returned to her older style of writing in this novel. Some of McDaniel’s newer books, I feel, are completely different than how she wrote in her earlier novels. It was refreshing to see and read that McDaniel has not lost her touch of writing a heart wrenching story.

Peas in a Pod

My mom was born as a twin, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that before on this blog. I was named after my mom’s twin. The love and affection that my mom had for her sister ran deep, and vice versa.

Have you ever heard stories from twins that say they were connected together either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually? If one of the twins ran into something the other twin would get the bruise or they both would. How one twin can do/say something as soon as the twin thinks it. Or one of the twins would feel an emotion and the other starts feeling the exact same way - for no reason.

My mom and her sister were just like this. My aunt tells me stories all the time of how connected and in-sync they were. They could finish each other’s thoughts, sentences and actions. I can tell that my aunt misses this closeness; the invisible bound that connected them together and made them one.

With moving back to Cali I’ve been staying with my aunt and her husband. My aunt and I have been able to spend some much needed time together. With our bonding we’ve discovered that some of the same things that would happen to my mom and aunt - are now happening to us.

Sure, it could be that we’re around each other so much we’re just learning each other more. Or that we’re picking up each other’s habits. Sure, that’s it! I mean, there’s no way that my aunt could run into something and I would get the bruise. There’s no way my aunt would think to do something and turn around to do it and I’m one second ahead of her. And it’s impossible that my aunt would be just about to say something (completely off subject from what we’re talking about) and I say it right before she does.

I mean, there’s no WAY that bond between twins could be pass on. Please! Psh… Ha ha.

Book Worm

One of my favorite authors is Lurlene McDaniel, I discovered her around my sophomore year in high school. In high school, I was part of that cool group of kids who hung out in the library. Yea, ya’ know, that awesome group of people who spent almost all their extra time reading and hanging out with the phenomenal librarian.

Wait -- what? You didn’t have that group of kids at your school? Not ‘cool’? Please! That was the happening place.

Ha ha, okay, so my group might not have been the ‘coolest,’ ‘most popular,’ or ‘trend-setters.’ But we did have TONS of fun hanging out in the library. We were known as the ‘lunch bunch,’ and if you asked anyone in our class if they knew where we were their answer most likely would have been: “Have you checked the library?”

Now, in my group almost everyone read about 2-4 books a week. No lie. I wasn’t that heavy of a reader, I was known as ‘the writer,’ so when I started to feel left out of the book conversations I asked the librarian for a recommendation and she handed me a book by McDaniel. I don’t remember which book she handed me, but what I do remember, for the first time I found a book from a Christian perspective that I could relate to.

Most of McDaniel’s books relate to teens and young adults facing life-altering situations and how they overcome/work through their situations by either finding God or holding onto God/hope. For someone who felt trapped and drowning in depression, seeing the silver lining so obviously or quickly gave me hope.

I’m no longer in that dark place where I was when I first started reading her books, they’re no longer part of my life-line. But now years later, I still find hope and inspiration in McDaniel’s books. I love the way McDaniel can take different circumstances and turn them into a beautiful and inspiring story.

So, whenever I go to the book store and I’m looking for a good read I always head to the young adult section and look in the M’s. This last time I found ‘Heart to Heart,’ one of McDaniel’s newer books.

I have kind of been on a book spree lately. That happens time to time, where all of my free time goes to reading and nothing else. I have been neglecting my New Year’s Resolution of reading eight (8) books. I know that’s not a whole lot of books and that I still have a lot of time. But I feel like I’m really falling behind on the resolutions that I wanted to do this year, I can’t keep getting distracted and sidetracked by my goals. I need become more focused!

Generational Music

One of the many reasons why I love music so much is because music can branch and connect many different generations and personality types together. Music, for the most part, has no limitations. With all the many ways different artists and musicians can take one song and change it, is mind-bending to me. You can hear one song by a rock band and hear that exact same song by a county band or R&B artist and it’s completely different. I love that part of music and the music industry. Songs are so powerful with their lyrics and meaning and being able to change their melody so they can be easier accepted by an individual or group of people is - phenomenal! Being able to change the melody of a song so people of all ages, races and economical standings can relate to the true meaning of the song, can be life changing.

Whenever I’m in my car, I always have music playing. ALWAYS. Since I’ve moved back to Cali, I’ve found myself driving my aunts around a lot. One aunt hates to drive and the other doesn’t have a vehicle. And because all of our musical tastes are different, I’ve been having a hard time finding something for all of us to listen to.

Driving home tonight, I placed on one of my favorite bands (who I consider to be a ‘softer rock’) and placed the volume low. My aunts are sitting in silence resting from our long day as I’m driving and singing along to all the songs.

And then, Stellar Kart’s version of ‘You Never Let Go’ plays lightly across my stereo – as three strong and vibrant voices accompany it.

’ Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
You keep on lovin and you
Never let go’

This amazing, magical and spiritual moment stuck with me and will stick with me – forever. All three of us singing in unison praising our Lord. My Almighty God, He never ceases to amaze me!

To some, this is ‘just a song.’ Words with no meaning played to a musical beat that has no power. But to me, it’s more than a song. It’s a life line that connected us together and when I hear this song again it will keep us connected.

This was a life changing moment for me. A moment that made me realize even though my aunts and I don’t have the same musical taste we do have one thing in common – our God. Because of ‘a song’, played in different musical ways it installed in us that our God will never let us go, He will never abandon us. That connection, that bond will keep us united and strong together – forever.

Bad Days

We all have days that are mentally and emotionally bad. Right? Or is that just me?

Days where it feels like your mind is racing and you cannot grasp your thoughts. Days where your emotions are on a high speed rollercoaster that has no ending. Days, where you just want to crawl into a ball and cry.

I know I say and share a lot of things on this blog. But one thing I still feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sharing and saying are the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Sure I am open and honest, but that’s with things I feel like I have a ‘handle’ on. I am always vague when it comes to things that hold me captive at the exact moment I am writing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever come straight out and said I struggle with controlling my mind and thoughts. I know I’ve shared that I struggle(d) with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. But I don’t think I’ve ever shared how hard it is for me to operate when I’m having a ‘bad day’ or when I’m struggling with these things. I don’t think I even know how to express these particular issues in words.

I struggle, a lot, with depression.
I struggle, on a daily basis, with my self-confidence.
I struggle, every second, with keeping my mind ‘in-check.’

Every moment, of every day, I have to take my thoughts captive and force them to be happy or godly thoughts. Every moment, I have to examine my thoughts and make a conscience decision if it’s a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thought. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, I have to be fully aware of what I’m thinking.

This might seem retarded or extreme, even unrealistic, but I have to be aware of what my mind is doing. Because if I’m not I unknowingly can go down a very dark and slippery path. A path I hate going down, but find myself on a LOT.

So yea, I have bad days. And those bad days feel like the end of me. And even though I fight and fight and fight against them, I feel like I will never win. I feel like these bad days, will be all that there ever will be.

But, then one day the line of bad days end and I finally feel hope again. But by then, the bad days have left me as a shell and I feel defeated. And God always comes, fills me up and I feel whole again.

But I just wish these bad days didn’t have to happen. BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I hate going down that dark path where I feel like the only way to make the bad days stop is to hurt myself.


I don’t know if this makes sense. This might only make sense to a group of people that know how this feels. That struggle, like I do, with controlling their emotions and mind. Or, this might not make sense to anyone and I’m the only one who feels this way. I DON’T KNOW.

But what I do know, I can’t keep all this inside. I can’t keep these thoughts and emotions inside, to run my life. So even though I have ‘bad days,’ I know I can’t give into them. Which is hard, cause that’s all I feel like I want to do. I feel like there’s no other choice.

And that is why I have to watch my mind.
And why I hate bad days.

Because no matter how much my heart, soul and spirit knows that God will keep me safe and protected. My mind, thoughts and emotions refuse to believe in my Almighty God.

Like a Lion

Source.

'My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion'
-Like a Lion
by The David Crowder Band

Trauma

I know for some who have lost a loved one, death in fictional circumstances is hard to handle. Most of the time, death shown in movies or books don’t affect me. But sometimes they drag me back to that exact moment of trauma, where I can’t breathe.

Last night, I was watching a movie where an older parent died in their sleep. The child, in their mid-adult life, discovers their parent and is devastated. To some watching this, it’s just an emotional and intense scene. To me, it dragged me into that room and I felt every emotion of the actor.

Watching that scene dragged me back into my parent’s room, seven years ago as I held my mother and watched her die in my arms. All I could see, on the TV screen, was me holding my mother in my arms crying and pleading with God to not take her from me.

Trauma: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

When someone important in our life dies, we go through different stages of grief. Some people go through these stages quickly, some people don’t have to go through them all, some people start the stages right away and some people start them later in life. But, at one point or another we all have to come to terms with the trauma of losing someone we love and care for.

The trauma of losing someone close to us descends, slowly. The intensity of the pain left behind in that moment of departure decreases, most of the time. And sometimes, everyday activates bring triggers that bring back that trauma so intensely, that we feel like we can’t handle the emotions that follow.

In that moment, in that exact moment of vulnerability our true character shines. Either in glory or defeat.

We make decisions every day to allow things to affect us in a positive or negative way. We have the choice to allow trauma to captivate our grief stricken heart or to allow God to help us walk through the stages of grief and ask Him to heal us.

So there I sat in my seat watching the scene of my own life. I was sad and felt compassion for the fictional character. But I was glad and rejoiced in the fact that I know my mother is in heaven now.

I’ve chosen to allow God to heal the areas of my heart where trauma has corrupted it. And I couldn’t be more at peace.

My Almighty God

I knew when I got my chest-plate tattoo, that some of myfamily members would have issues with it. I knew that people wouldn’tunderstand why I got a tattoo so visible. And I knew that some people wouldjudge me harshly. But I hoped and prayed that my tattoo would be a positive influence.

My dad hates my tattoo, he won’t look at it. I know he’sdisappointed. He takes every/makes circumstances to show his disapproval. Myaunt dramatizes how hard it is to hide my tattoo when I go for interviews. Afriend’s parent made a bold comment about my tattoo to say that I had ‘lost myway.’

People aren’t bashful about their disapproval, they makeit clearly known. But no one has taken the time to ask me why. Why I got thetattoo or what it means. They just see my tattoo and judge me… Today, I wasgiven the opportunity to perform what I had prayed for.

I was at a coffee shop, ordering my tea and the baristacommented on my tattoo. She asked if it hurt, a lot of people ask that, andthen she said: “Can I ask you what it means?”

And in that brief moment, I was able to share with herwhat my Almighty God has done.

“It’s hard to explain in a short sentence. But the heartis my heart, it was broken and God healed it. God sent the Holy Spirit to washit out with living water. Then the Holy Spirit refined my heart with fire. Andthen God came to live in my heart and reign in my life.”

I smiled at her and she tilted her head: “That’s neat.”And she smiled too.

If my Almighty God can fix my disarray soul/heart, I knowHe can surely use a tattoo for His glory.

Birthday Celebration!

Happy Birthday aunt Stella!
Today is my mom and aunt’s birthday. Usually on this day, for the past three (3) years, I celebrate alone. Last year I bought a mini cake, the year before that I went to dinner with a friend and the year before that I bought flowers. I have chosen that I will celebrate my mom on this day. I will rejoice for the life that she lived, I will celebrate the impact that she made on this world and I will remember the happy moments that we shared. I refuse to allow the enemy to make this day sad for me. My mother may be in heaven, but I can still celebrate her existence.

This year I was able to celebrate with my aunt. This brought me so much joy. I was so happy and excited that I was able to celebrate the day of my aunt’s birth with her.

We started the day early and headed to Ontario, CA. I had an interview and then we spent the rest of the day running around the city. We went to stores, out to lunch and then we bought cupcakes. Overall, it was an amazing day!

Birthdays mean so much to me. I thank God so much that I was able to celebrate another year of life with my aunt.