Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
A re-stylization of two of my already made Sims, Ruthie (my mother Sim) and Star (my Sim self).
A couple of months ago, I made a CAS in memory of my mother on her birthday. Today is the anniversary of her death. Every year, I try to do happy things on these days so that I don't focus on the sad. This year has been difficult to do that, but thanks to you fireflies I feel like I can make it through the day.
I miss you Mami.
I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mami you'll be.
Since YouTube is the only form of creative-expression that I'm currently motivated to use, I decided that I would create a video to post on July 7th.
I kept racking my brain, trying to think of what I could do. However, the one thing that kept pushing through my thoughts was that I wished my mom was with me. So, I decided that I would make that happen (in a small way of course).
I created a photo-shoot for my Sim self and my Sim mother, I posed them in different ways and took pictures of them having a fun, happy and wonderful day at the park. It's weird how this brought me peace and calmed my spirit. But it did.
Love WILL save the day.
Normally on this day, I write happy cheery posts about my mom. How she was an amazing woman, how she’s now with God & how glorious that is, and I share a witty story. But today, today I’m just not feeling it. Because today, I’m not happy and I’m not strong enough to fake it.
I’m angry at her for dying and changing our lives so horribly. I’m angry at her for leaving me and my dad; and making me deal with a woman that I hate and treats my dad so poorly. I’m angry at her for not teaching me the things she should have. I’m angry at her for making me feel like my words weren’t important, because now I’m too scared to share my thoughts. I’m angry that she told everyone good-bye but me.
I have hate.
I hate that the only things I can remember her saying are negative. I hate that I can’t remember her voice. I hate that I can’t remember how she looked, without looking at a picture. I hate myself, for not making her proud.
I’m not strong enough today to put on a brave face. Today, I’m not willing to accept that she’s gone for some “greater good”. I’m tired of day-dreaming that she was by my side, I just wish she was. Today, I feel I will never overcome the pain that my mother’s death gave me.
I have faith.
I have faith that God won’t leave me in this horribly deep hole of depression that I’m in. I have faith that when I get to heaven, my mother will be there. I have faith that I’m not alone. I have faith, believe and know that the many powerful prayers my mother said over my life are still in effects today.
Today is a sad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.