Like a Lion

Source.

'My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion'
-Like a Lion
by The David Crowder Band

Trauma

I know for some who have lost a loved one, death in fictional circumstances is hard to handle. Most of the time, death shown in movies or books don’t affect me. But sometimes they drag me back to that exact moment of trauma, where I can’t breathe.

Last night, I was watching a movie where an older parent died in their sleep. The child, in their mid-adult life, discovers their parent and is devastated. To some watching this, it’s just an emotional and intense scene. To me, it dragged me into that room and I felt every emotion of the actor.

Watching that scene dragged me back into my parent’s room, seven years ago as I held my mother and watched her die in my arms. All I could see, on the TV screen, was me holding my mother in my arms crying and pleading with God to not take her from me.

Trauma: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

When someone important in our life dies, we go through different stages of grief. Some people go through these stages quickly, some people don’t have to go through them all, some people start the stages right away and some people start them later in life. But, at one point or another we all have to come to terms with the trauma of losing someone we love and care for.

The trauma of losing someone close to us descends, slowly. The intensity of the pain left behind in that moment of departure decreases, most of the time. And sometimes, everyday activates bring triggers that bring back that trauma so intensely, that we feel like we can’t handle the emotions that follow.

In that moment, in that exact moment of vulnerability our true character shines. Either in glory or defeat.

We make decisions every day to allow things to affect us in a positive or negative way. We have the choice to allow trauma to captivate our grief stricken heart or to allow God to help us walk through the stages of grief and ask Him to heal us.

So there I sat in my seat watching the scene of my own life. I was sad and felt compassion for the fictional character. But I was glad and rejoiced in the fact that I know my mother is in heaven now.

I’ve chosen to allow God to heal the areas of my heart where trauma has corrupted it. And I couldn’t be more at peace.

My Almighty God

I knew when I got my chest-plate tattoo, that some of myfamily members would have issues with it. I knew that people wouldn’tunderstand why I got a tattoo so visible. And I knew that some people wouldjudge me harshly. But I hoped and prayed that my tattoo would be a positive influence.

My dad hates my tattoo, he won’t look at it. I know he’sdisappointed. He takes every/makes circumstances to show his disapproval. Myaunt dramatizes how hard it is to hide my tattoo when I go for interviews. Afriend’s parent made a bold comment about my tattoo to say that I had ‘lost myway.’

People aren’t bashful about their disapproval, they makeit clearly known. But no one has taken the time to ask me why. Why I got thetattoo or what it means. They just see my tattoo and judge me… Today, I wasgiven the opportunity to perform what I had prayed for.

I was at a coffee shop, ordering my tea and the baristacommented on my tattoo. She asked if it hurt, a lot of people ask that, andthen she said: “Can I ask you what it means?”

And in that brief moment, I was able to share with herwhat my Almighty God has done.

“It’s hard to explain in a short sentence. But the heartis my heart, it was broken and God healed it. God sent the Holy Spirit to washit out with living water. Then the Holy Spirit refined my heart with fire. Andthen God came to live in my heart and reign in my life.”

I smiled at her and she tilted her head: “That’s neat.”And she smiled too.

If my Almighty God can fix my disarray soul/heart, I knowHe can surely use a tattoo for His glory.

Birthday Celebration!

Happy Birthday aunt Stella!
Today is my mom and aunt’s birthday. Usually on this day, for the past three (3) years, I celebrate alone. Last year I bought a mini cake, the year before that I went to dinner with a friend and the year before that I bought flowers. I have chosen that I will celebrate my mom on this day. I will rejoice for the life that she lived, I will celebrate the impact that she made on this world and I will remember the happy moments that we shared. I refuse to allow the enemy to make this day sad for me. My mother may be in heaven, but I can still celebrate her existence.

This year I was able to celebrate with my aunt. This brought me so much joy. I was so happy and excited that I was able to celebrate the day of my aunt’s birth with her.

We started the day early and headed to Ontario, CA. I had an interview and then we spent the rest of the day running around the city. We went to stores, out to lunch and then we bought cupcakes. Overall, it was an amazing day!

Birthdays mean so much to me. I thank God so much that I was able to celebrate another year of life with my aunt.

Moving Limbo

Since I’ve been back in Cali, I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I am constantly moving from one task to another, to another. I’ve had a few days where I’ve had the chance to relax and have a ‘do nothing day.’ But mostly my calendar fills up so fast with plans that my agenda for the day is packed.

I’m constantly hopping back and forth from Palmdale to West Covina, and popping into neighboring cities that it makes my head spin. I got so overwhelmed today with packing my suitcase that I had to sit on the floor, take a deep breath and pray. I feel so unstable. I mean, I’m use to not staying in one place long. But this is taking it to the extreme.

I’m living half of my week in Palmdale, where I’m getting errands done. The other half of the week I’m in West Covina, looking for jobs. And then throughout the week I’m driving short and long distances for interviews.

I feel like I’m running in circles. Circles that are constantly changing sizes and directions. And the fact that all of my belongings are packed and scattered in two different locations is the icing on top of this topsy-turvy cupcake of my life.

I know this is a season. I know this won’t last long. But the stress and pressure of trying to find a job, find a place to live and ‘restarting’ my life might be getting to me.

To Say They Hit It Off Would Be An Understatement

"To Say They Hit It Off Would Be An Understatement"
By Philmont

If I talk will you listen
And pay some attention
If it's the last dime you spend?
What good is sound advice when
The sounds of your vices are
The only thing that you comprehend?
I see the tears in your eyes I gotta pull you aside

(Don't make a scene, they'll hear us arguing)

This happened once before ( I swear I didn't know )
You wound up at his door ( I had nowhere to go )
You'll still go back for more ( I hate to be alone )
You had to know that, you had to know that
This time would be the same ( You just don't understand )
Quit trying to explain ( We see things different )
Some people never change ( Just stay out of it )
You had to know that, you had to know

That guy feeds you lines
And you think you'd have your fill by now
But instead you stay fed
Too afraid to bite the hand that feeds you
Your pain and your guilt
Cornered in his room while his anger builds
No one deserves what happens next
God promised the world
Why on earth would you settle for less?
settle for less

This happened once before ( I swear I didn't know )
You wound up at his door ( I had nowhere to go )
You'll still go back for more ( I hate to be alone )
You had to know that, you had to know that
This time would be the same ( You just don't understand)
Quit trying to explain ( We see things different )
Some people never change ( Just stay out of it)
You had to know that, you had to know this time
This time
This time
This time
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )
( I didn't know that )

You had to know that
This time would be the same ( You just don't understand )
Quit trying to explain ( we see things different )
Some people never change ( Just stay out of it )
You had to know that
You had to know this time

Ripple Effect

Happy Easter Sunday!
It’s good to be back home for a holiday. I’ve missed so many holiday’s, birthdays, and events being gone for the last four years. It feels nice to celebrate with people I love and care about. The last time I was home for a holiday, a couple of years ago, it was hard to come back to my dad’s house to celebrate.

At the time memories of my past still haunted me, I would walk the hall and I felt like I was getting attacked. I had to face my past. I had to hit it head on. I had to confront my guilt, shame, regret, and fear. It was very hard for me, but I did it and I felt peace. With returning home I didn’t know how I would feel, I didn’t know if I would still feel that peace. Luckily, I still do. The memories of the house no longer haunt me. I am now able to rest and reminisce about the joy and life of the house and my memories instead of the pain and death.

A few miles away from the house is this small church, my mom’s church. I’ve had three main churches’ influence my life, this is one of them. My mom went to this church for years. She loved this church and was involved with so much. After my mom passed, my dad and I stopped going regularly. We still go to the church, to this day, just occasionally.

So with today being Easter Sunday and not having visited the church in years, I decided I would go. I saw some familiar faces and tons of new ones. But there were a few that caught me off guard - my second cousin, his wife and their family. A while after I arrived at the church, my first cousin (father of the second cousin) arrived with his family. I was so happy to see so much of my family together at church.

Once family started moving closer to where we lived, my mom started inviting them to our church. One by one different family members would come to visit and slowly ‘mom’s church’ also became their church. It overfilled my heart with joy to see so much of my family at church today. Because of my mom and her need to have a ‘home’ church and be involved in ministry, a part of our family is still there.

I think that’s what I needed most. To see that yes things have changed, but there are still remnants of the past. How the heart, love and actions of one person can affect so many others. I saw the ripple effect that my mom had created in action and it bright pride to my heart and a smile to my lips.

Break Through is Coming

Went to a church service tonight with Aunt Stella, a few of my friends in Texas know the pastor and recommended the church.

The service was nothing but worship and prayer. It was so AMAZING. It felt like home to me. I’m so use to worship services where the Holy Spirit is so prominent, everyone being touched and moved and just following where the Holy Spirit leads.

I missed this intimate, soul searching, heart healing experience.

I was standing in my aisle worshiping the Lord when this girl came up to me and asked if it was okay if she prayed over me and shared some things that the Lord had showed her.

She said: The Lord was going to start to heal and restore my heart, feelings and relationships. He was going to mend. The Lord was inviting me in to become closer to Him. There were huge golden doors that opened up to God's thrown. And leading to the thrown was a red carpet. The Lord was inviting me into His presence, to become closer and intimate. Break through was coming.

Near the end of the service they opened up a prayer line. There were a group of people willing to pray with you and you just had to go up to them. I went into the line and the guy who was praying over me knew I was depressed and he related to my depression. The guy prayed that my heart would overrule my mind, that Jesus would run my mind and thoughts. He asked if I was an intercessor and broke the stronghold of fear over me.

I needed to hear the word that the girl had for me. I needed to know that I was in the right place and that I wasn’t on my own. That God saw me and He was going to watch out for me. And I need the prayer that the guy gave me. I think God placed us together for prayer because He knew that we could relate and strengthen one another.

I needed tonight.

I’m so glad we went.

Wishes and Dreams

I constantly tell people that music is my life. And I’m sure they think I’m just a huge music buff. But in reality, if I hadn’t found the songs that inspire me; I would be dead.

I know here, on my blog, I talk a bit about my “past.” I mean I’m so young, how much of a ‘past’ can I have? Right?

When I first tried to “start my life” (ie: figure out who I was), I struggled - a lot. In most people’s lives, you start ‘finding your own’ around the ages of 13-16. You make your own friends, you make habits that last you a life time, you discover what you like or don’t like, you set goals, you find your interests and you start the journey of finding yourself.

I tried doing all these things, but I constantly found myself lost in a cloud of ‘darkness.’

I was depressed, I was severely depressed. I didn’t know I was depressed though, I thought the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I felt were ‘normal.’ I had felt and thought these things for so long that I didn’t know there could be anything different.

So, with depression a major part of my adolescence I started to form dangerous habits and thought patterns. I started to cut around 15; I remember the days leading up to my first time. I was confused, anxious, sad, upset and wounded. I was manic. All I could focus on was harming myself and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I had somehow convinced myself that harming myself would solve my problems. And to me, they ‘did.’

But as things in my life got harder and tougher, the self-harm escalated. I found myself wishing death, I attempted getting myself there. But the one thing, the one thing that kept me semi stable and sane – was my music.

I knew, without a doubt, that when I popped in my Stellar Kart CD and listened to track number 9, I would find comfort in the words. Track number 8 of Staple, I would find courage. Track number 12 of Pillar, encouragement. And track number 5 of Thousand Foot Krutch, partnership.

I found hope, courage, strength and a desire to live in these songs. I knew these musicians wrote these songs for me, for people like me who felt like their world was ending and crumbling around them. And in this, I knew I wasn’t alone – even though I felt it heavily in my heart.

My music saved my life.

That might sound absurd to some or far-fetched to others. But music is my life; it’s what keeps me going. It reminds me of the hope I have and helps to remind me to never let it go.

’I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams
-‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart


To read more of why ‘Music is my Life,’ go here.

Happy Easter!