Breathe

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. It was the breath of fresh air that I desperately needed.

"When heaven seems so far away

And dreams are just a memory

When love is all too hard to hold

Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing"

I've been in manic mode the last few weeks. My thoughts have been racing, I've been on edge and triggery. It was like I couldn't catch my breath. I kept gasping over and over, trying to fill my lungs. But instead it felt like they were getting full of water.

There was an incident on Friday, that almost pushed me off the ledge I was teetering on. I've been teetering on this ledge a lot lately, and I've fallen off it most of the time.

But, in this moment, with my mind spinning, my thoughts racing, my emotions in over-drive and my skin craving the blade... My fighting instinct finally kicked in.

"2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone

The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

I sat still. Took a deep breath and forced my mind to clear. I haven't been manic for so long, I forgot how paralyzing it is. I also forgot that I control it, it doesn't control me.

Isn't it amazing what a soothing breath can do? How it can clear your mind. Make your world better. Give you hope.

It's amazing how taking one extra moment for yourself can get you to the next second. I need to remember to take that moment more often. 

"When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone
When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

Song: "Just Keep Breathing" by We The Kings

Just Keep Breathing

"Just Keep Breathing"

by We The Kings

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone

When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone

The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Ooh ooh...

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Honesty

To some, I have weird boundaries and expectations for relationships. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in relationships, which in return have made me harden to make new ones. I admit it; I’m hard to get close to. I’ll only let you in so far, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. But, once I do let you in, I let you see everything – and sometimes that’s too much.

I only run on extremes, extreme up or extreme down. I’m aware that my extremes give whip-lash and frost-burn. It’s a quirk of my personality. And honestly, I feel if someone can’t accept that or go with the flow of it, then I don’t want them in my life.

Which leads me, to my first limitation/boundary for relationships: If you don’t care about me, then I won’t care about you. Harsh and probably cruel, but it’s how I feel.

We learn how to work with and in relationships by our family. They’re the first relationship in our lives that we’re exposed to. And in my family, in my own personal experience, I’ve learned that you can’t always trust what people say or even their actions.

I hate fakeness; I wish people would just come out and tell me the truth. Sure, it will hurt my emotions and cause me to dwell on the past conversation. But I would rather know everything then to know parts of a blemished puzzle.

My second limitation/boundary for relationships: Don’t tell me or say things to me that you don’t mean. Don’t tell me that you’re going to meet me somewhere, when you have no intentions of being there. Don’t tell me that you’re worried about me, when your actions don’t depict that. Don’t tell me that you care for me or love me, when you don’t.

To some, these two boundaries seem odd and unnecessary. But to me, they’re essential.

This past week I’ve had two relationship issues that have triggered me, and they both came back to these two core boundaries.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you only contact me when you need something. Don’t tell me that you care and worry about me, when you don’t ask important questions about my wellbeing. Don’t tell me that ‘you will love me’, because I don’t need it. I don’t need your love.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you call me selfish and crazy. Don’t say that you care for me, when I share something honest and vulnerable with you and you act like your world is falling apart. Don’t say you love me, when you know nothing about me.

I don’t need your love. And I don’t need to be pacified.

Untitled

I've been working on this picture for a few days now.

As in all heart drawing I make. The heart is mine. You see the outside red shell of the heart and then the inside of the heart is put into three pieces. This can represent God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Or, it could be what makes up my heart: God, my emotions/mind and my environment.

The heart has locked itself into a dark box. And has placed up "protective" tools to keep the box intact. An umbrella is set on top of the box to protect it from the holy cleansing water of the Spirit. And a metal sheet is placed on the side of the box to protect it from the renewing fire of the Spirit.

There's something missing, in the left corner; but I can't see it just yet. And I don't have a title for it either.

But just looking at the picture and seeing what it represents, is frightening. After everything I've done and been through. After all the stages of my heart. I'm still keeping it locked up, under protection and away from God.

Why? Why am I doing that?

Broken Hallelujah

"Broken Hallelujah"

by The Afters

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.

Spin

Cycling

I’ve stated before on here, that I go through manic episodes of journaling/blogging.

I go through stages where I write everything out; all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and actions. I document my entire day. By either writing or typing it out, or by taking pictures. That’s usually when I’m feeling ‘normal’, like myself.

Or when I’m ‘manic’, when I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me. It’s the only thing that keeps me stable and centered.

But when I’m depressed, down and indifferent; I can’t be bothered by documenting my existence.

Lately, I haven’t been bothered to document my existence. But today, I had a manic episode, and the only thing I could seem to control was my hand to hold a pen to form words.

I wrote all of that, TODAY. Just today, I wrote 24 pages. And everything I wrote about, I hadn’t written about before. I don’t know if I became manic because I was keeping all this in, or because I was manic, I was finally forced to write everything out.

All I know is that I really need to stop these spurts of ‘on and off again’ writing. Writing is the only thing that grounds me. You’d think I would learn that by now and stop all of my cycling.

Soft Whispers

I've been depressed for a little over a week now. A semi- permanent state. I've come into the sun a few times, but I've mostly been in the dark.

It's not as deep as I've once been. It's pretty shallow, but I'm still under all the dirt and mud. It's in the back of my mind. Not always interfering, but making its presence known.

And the worse part about it, I'm not fighting it. I'm just letting it soothe me. Listening to its soft whispers. Welcoming it like an old friend.

I don't feel like fighting anymore.

No, I'm not alright.

You Can't Run When You're Holding Suitcases

This song sends me mixed signals, which makes me love and hate it.

“You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid”

I am always envisioning myself running away. I see myself running away from my family issues, my mental & emotional state, my financial hardships and my life in general. In these fantasies, I see myself with bags in my hands, throwing them into Thomas and driving away into the sun-set, blasting TFK.

“Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run”

On days that I love this song, it encourages me to leave my problems behind me and to hold my head up high and face the world with determination. On days that I hate this song, it torments me with the realization that I need to leave my problems at God’s alter and allow Him to take my problems and heal my ravaged heart.

“Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?

Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh

Abandon your troubles by the side of the street

Just let them go now, believe me”

However it doesn’t matter what day it is when I’m listening to this song, it always makes me dance and smile. Because I know when I do abandon my hurts and pains, I’ll be happy and free. 

And who doesn’t want that? 

Song: "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean

Suitcases

"Suitcases"

By Dara Maclean

How can you move when they're weighing you down?
What can you do when you're tied to the ground, yeah?
You carry your burdens heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there's freedom in release

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?
Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh
Abandon your troubles by the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run

Oh, you can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be, you don't have to be afraid
You don't have to be afraid

Voices in my head

Once a month my brother comes into town on the train, I pick him up at the station and I drive him around town running his errands.

I've been doing this for about half a year now. My brother and I don't get along. We have very different personalities, morals and world views. But we've learned to co-exist with each other.

We're half siblings, from my father. My brother and I are alike by our facial features and our temperaments, but everything else is different. He's picked up something's from dad, and I've picked up other things.

My dad is always organized and prepared. One of the things I've picked up. So today when my brother needed to be cleaned up, he had nothing with him. But I did. I had a handkerchief and a bottle of water. I pulled out my handkerchief and flopped it towards him (just how my dad would have done it) and told him where to find the water (instructed him just like dad). I laughed to myself internally.

Dad would have been proud.

"You see that! At least I raised one of you right!"

God Made Me

I was asked a question yesterday that really got me thinking. The question was: "What do you do that makes you stand out? What makes you different?"

I thought about the question for a few seconds, and my first response was nothing. Nothing makes me stand out. And I almost spoke the words aloud, making them true. But, I bit my tongue and really thought.

A friend of mine always says that I amaze her, that I encourage her and my fighting spirit gives her strength.

"Whenever I fall down, I always get up." The words just flowed out of my mouth.

"And why do you always get up? What motivates you to get up?"

"Because I know that God will always be there for me. To help me up." Again, the words just flowed.

I doubt myself all the time. And honestly, I think very low of myself; of my strength, courage and relationship with God. I see myself as never being able to reach satisfactory.

People tell me that I’m kind, sweet and caring; that I’m genuine and honest. But all I hear is that I’m full of anger, hate and bitterness; that I’m a horrible person and worthless.

So when people say positive things about me, it throws me off. I don't understand why or how people can see me in that way.

Then in a loving whisper God reminds me that I am those things. The positive ones. God made me that way. He made me to be my flamboyant, loving, mischievous self. Even if I can’t see it myself, others see it, because it’s who I am.

It’s the way God made me.

It’s my light.

1 Peter 2:24

Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." – Psalm 139:14

I'm A Christian

I went to the market today, and while I was pushing my basket around I accidentally hit an older women’s basket.

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to hit you.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I forgive you. I’m a Christian, that’s what we’re supposed to do. Forgive.”

She said this with no hesitation. It just flowed from her mouth. She said it with such humility. After our interaction, I continued on with my shopping, but at one point I had to stop and really process what just happened. It took me back for a few minutes. Her simple words convicted me, instantly.

‘I’m a Christian’; she said it without even thinking. Nothing (really) prompt it. She didn’t try to “preach” at me or “save” me. She didn’t expect anything from me.

I’m a Christian. And I believe her.

I hope to one day get to the point of where she is. To be so open, free and god-fearing that I proclaim my salvation and deliverance without even blinking.

5 Minutes At a Time

"5 Minutes At a Time"

by Superchick

Life is hard, but it's been a little harder than usual lately
I wish I knew why I am struggling through this
What makes it harder is the lack of understanding on my part
Could I have changed this, why am I fighting life so hard?

How long can I survive this? I'm losing the strength to try
Tell me how am I supposed to live through this? How do we get by?

We take one breath and let it out
We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine
We take life 5 minutes at a time

Life is hard - it didn't turn out like I hoped it would be
And I don't dare to dream if dreaming leads to this
'Cause when it's left to me, it's hard to see past the sky becoming dark
If it makes no difference, why am I trying to do my part?

I've climbed back from that fall again it feels like a hundred times
How do I believe in a hundred and one when we stumbled the ninety-nine?

To go on living when all you've lived for is gone
To find faith when everything you know about life might be wrong
To find hope in the dark, to still believe there's a dawn
This is the courage to make a life, it is the strength to go on

Crush the Idols

I discovered this song a few weeks ago, and my soul fell in love with it. Yes, my soul. This song convicted me to my inner being. It convicted me, but also lifted me up at the same time.

I'm one of those people who critic every sound they hear. I don't do this out-loud (of course), but I do it in my head - all the time.

I am CONSTANTLY having to check myself when I'm in church and the worship team is on stage.

I love my church, everyone is so friendly, loving, caring and helpful. It really is one big family. And I get so much from the pastor's. I've also been growing a lot in my walk with God and in my knowledge of the Bible. It's been a good growing/stretching season for me... In more then one way.

I love my church, but the worship team(s) - aren't my cup of tea. There are two 'teams'. One team is an older couple that play very contemporary and somewhat dated music. They sing a lot of hymns (my nemesis), and use mainly a guitar and a piano. The second team is lead by a younger women. She sings a lot of modern songs and uses a lot of tracks (there's no one that plays an instrument on her team). However, she doesn't have knowledge of how to rearrange a song or conduct singers, so they're usually all over the place.

I find myself constantly having to check my heart and remind myself that I'm supposed to be focusing on God (not on the singing) and that I'm supposed to be worshiping (I'm not at a concert). I struggle a lot of the time focusing on the "right" things and this hinders me from truly worshiping the Lord and entering into His presence.

I've been trying really hard to overcome this, because I know it's not right. And I know I shouldn't have such a silly thing influence the way I interact with my Lord. But, it's really hard for me.

So when I heard this song, MAN, it broke me. It cut me to my core. But, it also encouraged me.

I realized that it's okay that I want to listen to "professional" worship music. I realized that this was becoming an issue for me, so I started to take the right moves to adjust my heart, soul and spirit. I'm on the right track. As long as I keep crushing the idol of music and continue to put God first, then I'm okay.

I'm okay. 

Song: "Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham

Clear the Stage

"Clear the Stage"

by Jimmy Needham

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols


Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too 

Until the congregations few, then have revival


Tell your friends that this is where the party ends 

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social


Then seek the Lord and wait for what He has in store 

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful



'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong;
worship is more than a song



Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper


Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister


Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open


Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken


'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song


We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the One who deserves it



Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart, is an idol
Anything can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol

'Cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to
I can sing all I want to

And still get it wrong

And you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song
Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

bandages...

Pedalin'

Air 1 Radio

One of my main resources for finding new music to listen to is Air 1. I've been an Air 1 listener since high school. With all my traveling, from here to there, I've always been able to find an Air 1 station to listen to. Air 1 has been a huge encouragement and motivator for me.

I can remember countless times, where I needed an answer from God and He spoke to me through the songs that Air 1 was playing at the time. When ever I feel lost, out of control, overwhelmed or want to give up; it's as if 'magic' that Air 1 plays the song I need at that exact moment to continue moving on.

Multiple times a year, Air 1 has a pledge drive to raise funds. They are a listener supported station, which means they don't play commercials. They continue to stay on the air-waves and play music because people donate money to keep them in business.

This week they're having their fall pledge drive. I've never been in a financially stable place to donate to them myself. But my hope is, to one day be able too.

To give to Air 1, go here. If you give now, 
when you make a $40 monthly pledge on the EZ Gift Plan,
 not only are you keeping Air 1 on the air, 
but you're also providing a new winter coat
 to a child through Operation Warm! 
Check out their heart-warming ministry here.

Who Will Love Me for Me

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. I've basically been listening to it non-stop. I discovered it about a week ago through the new iTunes radio tab. I use to listen to Air 1 through iTunes, but iTunes updated their program and now changes the way that their "radio" tab works.

Basically, you pick the genre you want to listen to and iTunes picks random songs on iTunes that matches that criteria and plays it. It's actually really helpful and cool. I love Air 1 and listen to it all the time, but sometimes chatter/talking distracts me when I'm thinking or concentrating and it makes it difficult for me to think/concentrate. And since I'm always listening to music when I do ANYTHING, sometimes I get distracted doing daily tasks (yes; a shameless excuse from a procrastinator).

When I first heard this song on iTunes, it struck a cord to my heart. And I instantly had to look it up.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means"

I've been going through a lot of emotional and physical change this week. It's been emotionally and mentally difficult and heavy for me to deal with. And this song has been my anthem, through it all. 

"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

Sometimes, we feel unlovable. Sometimes, we feel like we will never be enough. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what we do, we will never satisfy anyone. Sometimes, we feel like we're nothing.

In those times, in those dark moments, when we feel like there's nothing more to give. Sometimes God comes through, sometimes God comes in with his Majesty and shakes us to our core.

And sometimes, God doesn't come roaring in and we need to remember and cling to the promise that He loves us.

Because, sometimes, all we have is hope that He loves.

Song: "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

What Love Really Means

"What Love Really Means"

by JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Psalm 139:14

 Source.
 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

No, I'm Not Alright

Source.

After two years of being self-harm free, I fell back into the lie-truth that hurting myself would 'make things better'... And I really don't know how I feel about that.

"If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside "

- 'I'm Not Alright' by Sanctus Real

Twihards

A couple of years ago, when I lived in Colorado, my roommate and I were house-sitting for friends. My roommate came up with this awesome idea that we should play a prank on them.

We knew that they both "LOVED" Twilight (sarcasm implied), so we decided we would give their home a makeover. We made props, bought posters, printed out pictures, made them a fan-fiction, and changed their FB status', profile pictures and liked EVERY Twilight fan page we could find.

One of the last things we did, we went to the Goodwill found the Twilight and New Moon books and highlighted the cheesiest parts of the books we could find. I Google-ed it – there’s a LOT. We then ripped out the pages and placed them ALL over the house. We put some in plain sight and we hid others (okay, we hid a lot). We hid the pages in books, movies, games, behind pictures, in cups, shoes, drawers; anywhere we could hide them – we did.

Since the prank, the friend has been finding the pages randomly. A few nights ago, she found another page. It's been 2+ years and she's moved a few times, and yet the prank is still going strong.

This makes me smile and giggle like a crushing tween girl. Hehehe. 

 "It's like my home decor has herpes. 

You think you find it all, but it just keeps coming... 
And never goes away!" -friend

Do-Over

Source.

Sometimes, the strongest and bravest thing you can do - is do your craziest desire. 

I don't know how many times, I imagined myself leaving my current living situation. I don't know how many times I fantasized and envisioned the way I would leave. I thought of where I would go and what I would take. I saved money, for my "running away" fund.

However, I never thought I would actually do it. I never thought I would actually leave.

Today, I packed a bag and left the house (once again) that has caused me to doubt, hurt and hate myself. And I finally realized that I don't have to fix every hurt. I don't have to mend every scar. I just have to be me. And be me well.

So here I am, starting all over again. Without a plan. With little hope. And a desire to be more then what I am.

So here I go again. Re-starting the journey of self-discovery.

Here I go.

I Heart Revell

A couple of weeks ago, I entered this book give-away/contest by Revell and I won! I got my 11 books in the mail today. I cannot wait to start reading them!

I entered the contest for one particular book, by Melody Carlson. But, I was sooo BLOWN away by all the other books I got in the set. Another book I got, I've been wanting for a while - I got super EXCITED!

This was definitely a god-thing.

I can't wait to dig in!

10:10

Source.

"It's 10/10, so speak up about how John 10:10 affects your life and/or how SKAD has affected you!" - Taken from the 'Steal Kill And Destroy' Facebook page

The enemy made me believe that my words and voice weren't important, that they had no power and no one would listen when I spoke. I stuffed and buried every thought and emotion. I created this well of hurt and pain. And one day, the well became too full and over flowed. That day I placed a blade to my skin to find a release and started to believe the lie that cutting would make everything better.

After years of mental and spiritual healing, the Lord has given me my voice back.

The torment the enemy had used to lock me inside myself; the Lord is now using to free me. In my darkest hours I couldn’t speak, but I could write. The Lord is blessing my written words of vulnerability, honesty and sincerity to grow and heal not only myself but others as well.