Let Me Go

Why does love have to be so complicated? And hurt so much.

I’ve been dating this guy on and off for the last five years. We’re together for a couple of months and then we don’t speak for four or six months. He then comes crawling back to me and I always take him back; and the evil bitter cycle of hurt, disappointment and loneliness starts again.

I have a very strong, dominate and stubborn personality. I need someone by my side that can reign me in and keep me in check. Not someone I can push around and bully.

But he loves me, my bitchiness and all. He’s always there. And, he’s persistent.

No matter how many times I shove him in the mud and kick him in the face, he only wants me.

And that really messes with my head.

I mean, he has to love me to constantly deal with that – right? And even though I love him for never giving up on me, we’re never going to work out.

So, his constant pursuit of me is exhausting.

I can only hear his empty promises so many times. And my demands to “leave me alone” have no substance anymore, even to me.

The 27th Year

It’s so weird to think I’m turning 27 today. Not because I’m getting ‘older’, but because I never thought I’d live past my 21st birthday. I’ve lived six years more than I EVER thought I would.

There are so many moments where I tried to snuff out my light.

I should be dead.

I should have never woken up.

There was a time in my life, where I begged God to let me die. I couldn’t understand why He couldn’t just let me go.

The harder I tried, the tighter He gripped me.

I was so angry. I couldn’t see, I didn’t understand.

I’ve always felt alone and invisible. I’ve never thought that I’ve mattered.

But this last year, I’m starting to see a glimpse. A glimmer of what my purpose might possibly be.

I started making gaming videos and placed them on YouTube for others to see. I was hoping to make a friend or two.

Honestly, I was reaching; I was reaching for anything to keep myself stable. Something to distract myself, and to trick myself into thinking that I WASN’T wasting my life.

From a young age, I knew I was made for something bigger then myself. I just didn’t know what that something was. And over the years, I’ve really started to doubt myself. How can a girl like me, change the world?

I’ve defiantly made more than a friend or two, these last 8 months on YouTube. I’ve created this family of support, love and motivation. I could have NEVER imagined, posting short videos of me rambling incoherently could EVER make an impact. And I NEVER thought that making these videos would bring me healing.

I call my family, Fireflies. Small, bright lights of hope in the darkness. Who would have thought, that I would find my light posting gaming videos online? Who would have thought that ANYONE would have noticed my dimly lit light?

I had been posting videos online for a few months, when I almost threw in the towel. My Fireflies were calling out to me; they said I brightened their day, that they looked up to me and that I was changing their lives – it was too much for me to handle.

I had started to listen to the darkness.

You’re not worthy.

You’re worthless.

You’re damaged.

How can a depressed self-harming suicidal girl help anyone?

The darkness started closing in on me. Closer and closer. Tighter and tighter. The darkness was right.

I find myself looking back on my journal entries often when I’m searching.

So there I sat, in the middle of the night reading through my blog. And it all slowly started to click into place.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve overcome a lot in my life. I’ve fought and I’ve clawed myself out of the hole of death.

My destiny is not to die! My destiny is to LIVE! I am to live and to shine bright.

I AM A FIREFLY! Sure, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. And I DO still struggle with depression. But that doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or that my light is covered.

I can share my thoughts. I can share my experiences. I can tell my stories and pour out my heart. I CAN help others! 

Even if the only reason I was placed on this Earth was to post short videos of me rambling incoherently to brighten others days.

THEN THANK GOD! Thank God I didn’t die. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered.

I’m a fighter!

I’m a firefly!

I’M ALIVE!

Fall to Pieces

It’s strange how memories fade and how even the pain of emotion can subside, but in an instant it all comes rushing back. Like the pressure of a damn being released, and how the water saturates everything in its path. How it makes you paralyzed and anxious all at once.

Human memories and emotions are funny that way.

The other day, I attended a funeral of a family member that I didn't know. So when I felt a strong sting of emotion I didn't know how to respond, I was taken off guard.

My first reaction was: ‘I need a blade now!’ And then I instantly rebuffed the thought with: ‘I can do this!’ I hadn't experienced these emotions in years; I thought I'd worked through them. I thought I overcame this painful memory.

I instantly knew the enemy was taunting me. He was trying to cause havoc, to make me falter to have me loose absolute control and to fall apart. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was safe. That everything was going to be okay...

And that he couldn't hurt me anymore.

I was molested as a child, by a family member. Over the years, since the incident, I'd see him from time to time at different gatherings. Always from a distance, I've always made sure to stay away.

But this time, this time, was so uncomfortably close. I hadn't seen him in years. And now, there he stood an arm’s length away from me. I had my back to him, trying to block his existence, but then I had to turn and greet him.

The instant my hand touched his in a shake, I cringed and couldn't let go fast enough. Luckily our group instantly started moving and I was able to distract myself. This was when my silent battle started.

Tears rushed to my eyes, my breathing quickened, and my mind raced. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast! Either allow the emotions to take over or fight; fight against the hurt and pain and NOT allow myself to be a victim any longer.

“I can do this.” I said quietly out loud to myself.

We found our seats, and again the enemy taunted me, there he sat right in front of me. I quickly started quoting scriptures and prayed a desperate cry of help.

“By His wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.

A technique I learned in therapy came to me; I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

‘If little Star lived through this horrific situation, big Star can too.’ I lived through the situation once, I could relive it emotionally again. I’m stronger now. Braver. He no longer has the power to hurt me. I’m in control.

Once I took the power back, gradually I felt peace. The memories were still there, they were uncomfortable but not painful; the emotion was gone.

I had overcome the painful memory, I did work through the situation – but I never worked through the emotions of it.

The enemy saw the chink in my armor. The enemy thought throwing him at me would cause me to crumble. I faltered for a moment, but the warring – fighting spirit in me won.

For the first time in a long time I felt strong.

I am a strong. I am brave. I AM A FIGHTER! I need to remember this more often.

Shallow Breathes

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

Everything will be okay.

I feel like I’m slowly suffocating. And some days, like today, it feels like the plastic around my head is crumbled and twisted. My little pocket of air is taken from me; I gasp for air trying to breathe, but all I get is plastic. Then the plastic is released and it relaxes and I can take shallow breathes again. But I can never fully fill my lungs.

I’m trying to survive.

It seems like that’s all I ever do.

Steal Kill And Destroy

This video is made to support The #SKAD1010 Project. I was not asked, prompted or received anything for making this video. I personally think SKAD is a wonderful non-profit organization and has an inspirational message. 

SKAD Information:
stellaskad@gmail.com
www.stealkillanddestroy.com
www.twitter.com/skadworldwide
www.stealkillanddestroy.tumblr.com
www.facebook.com/StealKillandDestroy

What's a Firefly?

I’ve slowly started telling my family that I’m making and uploading videos to YouTube. I kept it to myself for a while, because I didn’t know how my family would react. I knew most of them wouldn’t understand and I was afraid of having to explain it to them; because I knew I wouldn’t do it right. But honestly, I was afraid of having the idea rejected by my family. I liked having YouTube be my own private thing, my secret. But as my channel grows, it’s taking more and more of my time and energy and I had to let people know what was going on so they could try to “understand”.

There are only two people’s opinions in the world that matter to me. And I was terrified of telling them both.

I love how the first thing out of Aunt Stella’s mouth, after I explained everything was “And how can you bring God into this?” Ha ha, it wasn’t “That’s stupid” or “It’s a waste of time”.  Just, “How can you bring God into this?”

I just smiled and looked at her and said “How do I NOT bring God into it?”

Aunt Stella always knows the right thing to say.

My ‘slogan’ or ‘catch-phrase’ is “Love Will Save the Day”, for the banner/header on all of my social sites I have this slogan with John 3:16 tacked on the end.

I call my fans ‘fireflies’; little lights of hope and joy in the dark – Matthew 5:13-16.

I also pray often that God would use my channel and bless it.

But like my name says, Because She’s Star. How can I be me, without having God in my YouTube channel? I don’t know why, but this was a confirmation to me.

That I’m doing something right.

That I’m on the right track.

That I’m in alignment with God.

I’ve just got to be me and trust. And love myself, like I tell my fireflies.

vlog: fetch

CAS Remix: Ruthie Butler & Star Cord

YouTube Description:
A re-stylization of two of my already made Sims, Ruthie (my mother Sim) and Star (my Sim self).

A couple of months ago, I made a CAS in memory of my mother on her birthday. Today is the anniversary of her death. Every year, I try to do happy things on these days so that I don't focus on the sad. This year has been difficult to do that, but thanks to you fireflies I feel like I can make it through the day.

I miss you Mami.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mami you'll be.

Since YouTube is the only form of creative-expression that I'm currently motivated to use, I decided that I would create a video to post on July 7th.

I kept racking my brain, trying to think of what I could do. However, the one thing that kept pushing through my thoughts was that I wished my mom was with me. So, I decided that I would make that happen (in a small way of course).

I created a photo-shoot for my Sim self and my Sim mother, I posed them in different ways and took pictures of them having a fun, happy and wonderful day at the park. It's weird how this brought me peace and calmed my spirit. But it did.

Love WILL save the day.

I Have Hope

Normally on this day, I write happy cheery posts about my mom. How she was an amazing woman, how she’s now with God & how glorious that is, and I share a witty story. But today, today I’m just not feeling it. Because today, I’m not happy and I’m not strong enough to fake it.

I’m angry.

I’m angry at her for dying and changing our lives so horribly. I’m angry at her for leaving me and my dad; and making me deal with a woman that I hate and treats my dad so poorly. I’m angry at her for not teaching me the things she should have. I’m angry at her for making me feel like my words weren’t important, because now I’m too scared to share my thoughts. I’m angry that she told everyone good-bye but me.

I have hate.

I hate that the only things I can remember her saying are negative. I hate that I can’t remember her voice. I hate that I can’t remember how she looked, without looking at a picture. I hate myself, for not making her proud.

I’m weak.

I’m not strong enough today to put on a brave face. Today, I’m not willing to accept that she’s gone for some “greater good”. I’m tired of day-dreaming that she was by my side, I just wish she was. Today, I feel I will never overcome the pain that my mother’s death gave me.

I have faith.

I have faith that God won’t leave me in this horribly deep hole of depression that I’m in. I have faith that when I get to heaven, my mother will be there. I have faith that I’m not alone. I have faith, believe and know that the many powerful prayers my mother said over my life are still in effects today.

Today is a sad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

He Hears Her When She Cries

I’ve really been struggling with my depression this last month. I’ve almost cut myself three times. This last temptation, almost won, but I was drowning so far down that I couldn’t pull myself up enough to do it.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But, it’s not like I’ve ever really “known” what I’m doing. I flounder, it’s what I do. I bounce from space to space, never grappling to anything in particular. I’m like a helium balloon that’s been released. I just float; higher and higher, deeper and deeper.

I’ve been growing bigger on YouTube, which has been keeping me occupied; but doesn’t completely distract me. I keep thinking; if I killed myself, would my fireflies know? How would they take that?

I’m trying to stay strong. I’m trying to stay. But the darkness is calling me again. And its voice is so sweet… I just want to lay and rest.

I know these thoughts are wrong, and that I shouldn’t entertain them.

I have these young fans that look up to me. They call me their best friend; say that they love me, that I get them through the day. They say that I am this amazing person and I try to see myself through their eyes… But I can’t.

I don’t see anything, I just feel pain.

How can I help them, when I’m so empty?

How can I be a positive influence, when all I want to do it die?

…And then I breathe, and say a prayer and close my eyes. Because I know in the morning I will wake, and deep down, I’m glad for that. 

Song that accompanies this post:
 "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole.

Are You a Shopaholic?

Yes, yes I am a shopaholic; and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I’ve known this for a few years now. I discovered this about myself when I lived in Colorado. I’ve said this many times, but when I lived in Colorado I was in a really bad place mentally. I was barely surviving.

I would lock myself in my room listen to music, cut, and play The Sims 3. That is when I wasn’t at Build-a-Bear making more stuff animals then any young-adult really needs. Or buying crosses from Hobby Lobby to “grow” my collection (my collection took up one and half walls). Or at thrift stores buying books I never really intended to read.

I was constantly buying things. I would go to Walgreens and buy random things to make myself happy; stickers, candy, coloring books, and art supplies. I didn’t really realize what I was doing when I was doing. My main goal was surviving and living to the next day.

Now that I look back at it, yes, that probably wasn’t the healthiest thing for me. I shouldn’t have used materialistic things to comfort myself. Do I still do it? Heck yes! But I do control it better now.

I think, at moments we all need a little help to stabilize ourselves. And if buying something brings your mood up and aligns your thoughts & mind, then maybe it’s not that bad. Lesser than two evil’s, you know? I think indulging in ourselves every now and then is okay.

For sure we shouldn’t be doing it all the time. It shouldn’t become an addiction. The “only” way we can become happy.

Acceptance is the first step in recovery, and recovery takes time.

Hope & Faith

A couple of months back I met this person online and we started talking back and forth. We only exchanged a few emails; I realized pretty quickly that this person and I didn’t mesh well. They sent me an email and I just never replied, maybe that was wrong of me. Maybe I should have replied back and told them that their last email gave me some red flags and that I wasn’t interested in continuing our friendship.

I hate when people write me off like that, they just ignore you and act like you don’t exist. They don’t have the decency to treat you like a human-being. I was wrong. I should have said something.

However, I am only human and I hate confrontation. I try to act all tough, strong and in your face – but in reality I’m afraid. I’m weak and have horrible self-esteem issues. After a hotly spat comment, most would let it roll of their backs; move on. But me, I dwell on it; over and over again until it rips my inwards to shreds.

Words, especially written words, are my life. Ink to paper, cursor to screen; this is where I found myself. It’s my safe haven. My home. It’s the only act that I’ve found that truly makes me ‘feel better’; the one and only good coping skill that I have.

Words are existence. Words are power. Words give authority, and take it away. Words changes and destroys life. Words are freedom, freedom from our sometimes dark selves.

Words are my being.

Last night I got an email, from the person that I mentioned earlier in this post. They wrote me (what I consider) an angry letter.

They called me a bad person, rude, pathetic and a ‘lunatic’. They said I was a horrible ‘Christian’. That they hoped bad things would happen to me and that I would continue to harm myself; “cut yourself and cut your throat”.

I’m trying to forget the hurtful words that I read. I’m praying for God to help me pass this.

I did reply back to this person’s recent email, and I told them they were right. I should have wrote them back and told them I was no longer interested in communicating.  I told them I was sorry. I told them why I stopped communicating with them; what the reasons where.

I also told them, that my intuition was right (because of their action in writing the recent email). And that I would have never cursed them or said such horrible things about them or to them.

They replied back with another anger filled email. I read only half of it.

I think the thing that hurts me the most in this situation is the fact that a person who knows nothing of me, that I only wrote three or four emails to, would say such horrible things to me and about me. I know I shouldn’t be shocked, I’m fully aware that people like this do exist (even before this email). But still, how could someone do such a thing to another human being?

The way they threw my self-harm in my face; acted like I was a lesser person, worthless, because I’ve placed a blade to my skin in my past. I actually get this a lot from other Christians and ‘believers’. Most of the time I just put it off as ‘ignorance’ but this time… this time it punctured my heart.  

“Cut yourself and cut your throat”.

I’ve attempted suicide, I don’t know how many times. But for someone to say that I should kill myself… that’s, that’s ludicrous! And they say that they “follow Jesus”! I know, that’s a low blow and I shouldn’t say such judgmental things… but a person that I’ve only talked to a handful of times (in email) wants me to kill myself because I didn’t respond to them.

I didn’t respect them. I didn’t honor them. I didn’t acknowledge them as a human being, or as child of God.

Yes, I might have done wrong. But I don’t think I deserve the emails they wrote. I struggle enough, within my own mind, with my own words and thoughts – I don’t need added fuel from negative outsiders.

“Cut your throat”.

This sentence will haunt me, for who knows how many days to come. All I can do is have hope and faith that this won’t come true.

Crazy Girls

"(One Of Those) Crazy Girls"

by Paramore

Now when you say you wanna slow down,
Does it mean you wanna slow dance?
Maybe you just want a little extra time
To focus on our romance.

What do you mean I got it backwards?
You know we're gonna be forever.
Why are you tellin' me goodbye?
Aren’t you gonna stay the night?

Are we really over now?
Maybe I can change your mind?
Soon as you walk out my door,
I’m gonna call a hundred times.

Now I walk under a pink sky (ooh),
Lovers float along and pass me by.
I pour my heart out to your voice mail,
Let you know I caught a bus
To your side of town.

And now I’m standing at your doorstep
With Los Angeles behind me.
If you don’t answer I’ll just use the key
That I copied 'cause I really need to see you.

If you're not here when I break in,
I’m gonna go to your closet,
Just so I can smell your skin.
As the chemicals swim,
I know I’ll never love again,
I swear I’ll never love again!

Baby, are we over now?
Maybe I can change your mind?
As soon as you walk out my door,
I’m gonna call a hundred times!

I’m not one of those crazy girls,
I’m not one of those crazy girls,
I’m not one of those crazy girls,
I’m not one of those crazy girls.

Hey, baby, are we over now?
Maybe I can change your mind?
As soon as you walk out my door,
I’m gonna call a hundred times!

Baby, are we over now?
Maybe I can change your mind?
Soon as you walk out my door,
I’m gonna call a hundred times!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

Now I’m one of those crazy girls,
Now I’m one of those crazy girls,
Now I’m one of those crazy girls,
Now I’m one of those crazy girls.

I'm a Firefly

Today was a big milestone day for me on YouTube; for two reasons.

Reason #1: I got my first “hate” comment. I struggled a really long time with the decision to delete the comment and pretend it never happened or to allow the comment to be posted and attempt a witty come back.

  

(This comment was left on my “Who Is Star?” video. My trailer for my channel, where I have my Sim-self do random activates that I enjoy.)

It wasn’t the wittiest come back, and it probably didn’t make the poster think twice. But I stood up for myself. I owned me and I didn’t allow someone else to make me feel bad about who I am. Who I am proud to be.

Reason #2: I hit 100 subscribers. That means I have 100 followers, people who think that my videos are worth watching, that they want to be notified every time I make a video.

Excuse me, WHAT!?? 

Dude! I can’t even come to terms with that. How is that possible? How is it possible that that many people would want to watch me play The Sims 3 and listen to my random (and sometimes inaudible) gibber-gabber?

That’s just mind-blowing to me. To someone who feels (most of the time) that they’re making no difference in the world. To have 100 people say: “Hey! I like you, there’s something about you that makes me want to know more about you and keep tabs on you”.

It’s extremely humbling. And awe-inspiring at the same time.

When Can I See You Again

"When Can I See You Again?"

by Owl City

When can we do this again?
When can I see you again?
When can we do this again?
When can I see you again?
When can we do this again?
When can I see you again?

Switch on the sky and the stars glow for you
Go see the world 'cause it's all so brand new
Don't close your eyes 'cause your future's ready to shine
It's just a matter of time, before we learn how to fly
Welcome to the rhythm of the night
There's something in the air you can't deny

It's been fun but now I've got to go
Life is way too short to take it slow
But before I go and hit the road
I gotta know, 'til then,
when can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can I see you again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh
I gotta know, when can I see you again?
(When can I see you again?)

Joined at the hip, yeah your sidekick needs you
Life is a trip down the road that leads you
Look all around at all the mountains you haven't climbed
It's just a matter of time, before we learn how to fly
Welcome to the rhythm of the night
There's something in the air you can't deny

It's been fun but now I've got to go
Life is way too short to take it slow
But before I go and hit the road
I gotta know, 'til then,
when can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can I see you again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh
I gotta know,
When can I see you again?

Don't close your eyes 'cause your future's ready to shine
It's just a matter of time, before we learn how to fly
Welcome to the rhythm of the night
There's something in the air you can't deny
So let me know before I wave goodbye

When can I see you again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can I see you again?
Oh oh oh oh
When can we do this again?
Oh oh oh oh

Yeah, it's been fun but now I've got to go
Life is way too short to take it slow
But before I go and hit the road
Tell me when
When can I see you again?
When can I see you again?
Tell me when
When can I see you again?

Happy Birthday Mami

Yesterday was my mami's birthday. Every year since her passing, I try to do something in remembrance on the day of her birth and on the day she passed. I want to do something happy and positive, and not focus on the negative.

So, meet Ruthie Butler! I made a Create-a-Sim (CAS) video on my YouTube gaming channel in memory of my mom.
 
Ruthie is a determined Sim who doesn't take smack from anyone. She's kind, friendly and always willing to help a Sim out. But, look out! She has a temper. Ruthie aspires to own and run the best restaurant that Sim creation has ever experienced. 

(Btw, I've started making 
gaming videos on YouTube. 
Check out my channel: BecauseShesStar)

Happy Risen Day!

After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.” 

- Matthew 28:1-7

Cut It Off

I’ve been kind of down the last few days. I wouldn’t call it depression, just a little sad. It feels like a cloud is blocking my sun.

When I first started feeling this way, I allowed the emotions to lead me. It wasn’t drowning, so I figured I was fine – right? But then it hit me, the enemy was testing my shield. He’s looking and searching for a way to break into my mind and rip me to shreds (Matthew 12:43-45).

I could almost feel my shield being poked and pushed in. I instantly quoted Isaiah 53:5:

“But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.”

And Leviticus 12:8c:

“And the priest shall make atonement for her, and she shall be clean”.

Then slowly, I felt the cloud pull away from my sun and I felt peace.

Sometimes we get so use to things being ‘just a little bad’ that it doesn’t bother us. But then the enemy adds a little on top of that, until it becomes part of the pile. And the next thing we know, our ‘little’ is a huge mountain that we have no idea how it got there.

I finally took a stand today, and stopped the sadness before it got worse (Mark 9:42-44).

One small victory; one huge step in the right direction.

Mona to the Rescue!

Yesterday, after church, me and a group of friends thought it would be fun to go to the park and have a picnic. We planned it pot-luck style and we all brought something to contribute. We got to the park, pulled out our bountiful feast and had a great time of fellowship.

After church I rushed home to change, I grabbed everything I was supposed to bring and I put Mona on her harness to take with me to the park. A friend suggested I bring the dogs so we could play with them after we were done eating, but after some thought I knew this would be more trouble than fun.

With Mona being trained with sitting in the stroller, I took her along knowing she would be manageable. I got to the park, pulled all my stuff out of the trunk and threw Mona into the stroller. She was fine once I opened the netting so she could look around at all of us, and of course after she was fed.

After our picnic we packed everything up and decided we would play a makeshift game of four-square. Now, why did I think playing a game that involved a bouncing ball and me having to semi go after it would be a good idea – I have no clue? I should also mention that I was wearing flip-flops.

The friend across from me in the square threw the ball at me but it went too far to my left. I had to semi run/jog to get the ball. When I did this, my left foot hit a slick part of the side walk and shot out in front of me.  With the momentum of my stride I fell straight down onto my butt.

One second I was up right and the next I was sitting on the floor, it all happened so fast! As soon as my bottom hit the floor I burst into laughter. It was just too funny, another ‘only Stella could do that’ moment.

I sat on the ground for a couple of seconds, getting my barring’s. I turned to my right to see one of my friends laughing so hard that they were actually hunched over. I then turned to my left to propel myself up and get back on my feet; when all of a sudden I see Mona flying through the air. No lie, she literally hung in the air for a good foot and a half. She then landed on the concrete and sprinted toward me.

I should also mention that the stroller has a built in leash that you’re supposed to connect your dog to so they can’t jump out, Mona was connected to this. So Mona is running to me at FULL speed, dragging the stroller behind her. She then slides to a stop next to my side and quickly starts to lick me and inspect my body to make sure I’m not hurt.

I find it humorous that the dog is the only one that ran to my rescue, while the three humans stood by laughing their heads off.

Train Me Up

Today at church, the pastor was teaching on how we need to be warriors. How we need to be warriors for God and how we need to go to battle to fight for God's people.

The pastor then touched the subject that if you're dealing/struggling with something that you can't shake, that the enemy just keeps coming at you, that probably means you're doing something right or that you're a priority to God.

"Why would the enemy send a foot solider to take out a general?"

And all I could think of was: "I'm the one with the red band!"

When I lived in Texas and was in the middle of my healing journey, I would sit in the church's prayer chapel and I would meditate on God. God would reveal things to me either in words or in pictures. One day God showed me a vision of me and the atmosphere around me. I had to draw it out.

"The heart represents the soul. The yellow represents God and the gray represents the enemy. The dark gray represents the strongholds the enemy still has. The light grey represents where the enemy has lost control. Sin is still there but it is no longer trapped. God can now go in and heal.

The demons split tail represents his indecisiveness; trying to make me doubt. The red band around his head means he’s one of the best. The notches in his band represent the lives he’s destroyed." - Posted on my Facebook; October 31, 2009

After I drew out the drawing, I wrote this on the back of the drawing. The next day I showed the drawing to my mentor and the pastor's wife. I had shared these types of drawings with them before. But this one was different. 

Most of the things I 'see', 'sense' or 'feel' have no real evidence of truth, and honestly, I don't fully believe 100% that they're from God. There's always the doubt that I do have that active of an imagination.

After I shared my drawing and the description of it, my mentor shared a story.

"It's interesting that you mention the red band. I heard a missionary share a story of a possessed man. He was acting crazy and causing havoc. The missionary talked to the demon and asked the demon why he was doing this. The demon replied with 'I'm the one with the red band'. The missionary said that the demon acted like the red band meant seniority." 

This was the first, and only, time something I've 'seen' has been confirmed. And it's always stuck with me.

The pastor then went on to say, that God gives us our calling but then sends us back to where we were before He gave us the calling. God might tell us our purpose, but doesn't always immediately put us to work in it. And that in those moment, God works in us to builds us up and trains us in order to fight.

The last few years, I haven't really been listening to God's voice. I haven't been meditating on Him or His words. I haven't been willing to listen to the words He tells me or to draw out visions He gives me. I've completely pulled away from my spiritual gifts.

It's no coincidence that a group I've been going to has been focusing on this the last few weeks. Working and nurturing your spiritual gifts. It's also no coincidence that this has been re-awakening them (my spiritual gifts). And, it's also far from a coincidence that this was the pastor's topic this morning. Or that I've become restless with my contentment. 

I think God's getting ready to bring me back into training again. I feel scared, because I don't know if I'm ready to battle. But it also gives me a breath of fresh air, because I'm tired of sitting still. 

I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I have a waring spirit and I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. I'm TIRED of the enemy thinking he can push me or others around. 

I'm not ready for battle. But I am ready for training.

Because of You

Source.

When I was an adolescent and was struggling with my depression and self-harm, I would say: "It doesn't matter what I go through, as long as God brings me through it and I can save one persons life". 

I realize now, that was a REALLY stupid thing to say. Yes, my intent was pure and innocent. But I have no doubt in my mind that the enemy took that statement and ran with it. The enemy pushed me to my limits. The enemy hit me with everything he had and I put a bigger target over my head then there already was. 

Lately, I've been feeling more like this will never happen. That all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for nothing and that I will never positively affect another persons life (or the world).

 

I've been in a slump. I haven't done anything productive or positive in my life (physical or spiritual), in the last three years. I'm just here. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.

The last few days, I've really been convicted by the fact that I'm not living as a Forsaken Fighter. That I'm not living 'on the front lines'. For a long time, I've been feeling like I've been wasting my life. 

 

But, on the other hand, I don't really feel motivated to do anything. To improve myself or my life.

I've just recently come out of a bad patch. I feel like I was beaten to a pulp and then set on fire. I'm no where near ready to be motivated to do anything. Let alone be an 'example' or a 'light'. And won't be ready to fight any time soon.

But that doesn't stop the guilt or shame that I'm wasting my time. That doesn't stop the thoughts that I'm not a fighter but a coward. Or the turmoil I feel that my life means nothing.

I feel defeated, and I don't know if I have it in me to get back up.

Prayer Power

"Do you really think, all the prayers that mom made on her knees crying out to God aren't still being played out today?"

I said this to my sister-in-law this afternoon. We had a stressful day today, lots of waiting and no forward motion. It was so frustrating to sit still and just wait.

We started talking about God and His plan and purpose for our lives. My sister shared how she felt God was herding her away from a situation. Things keep popping up that keep her from it. And then the conversation switched to my brother and the difficult situation we're in with him.

"He (my brother) just needs to give it to God. He needs to just release it all and give it to Him." -sister

"But he (brother) has to choose it. We can't force him to God. I can remember mom, crying out to God to help him. To protect you and your family. Mom heard God's voice, and God heard hears. Do you really think those prayers aren't still being heard today? He wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her prayers... I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her prayers..." -me

I remember every morning before school, mom would pray over my coming and going. Pray a hedge of protection over me. That God would keep me safe. It wasn't till today, actually, that I realized all of her feverent prayers is what has kept me alive.

"I remember dad, mom, me and your brother were sitting at the kitchen table and your brother said that he was lucky, because he kept getting out of things. And mom got so mad, I had never seen her so angry. 'How dare you say that! It's not luck! It's all my prayers! It's not you, it's GOD!!'" -sister

This year marks nine (9) years since her passing. And I know, without a doubt, that her prayers are still protecting and guiding us. How else could the Cordova's still be existing? Ha ha.

Architecture

"Architecture"

by Jonathan Thulin

There are a million mountains that I'd like to climb

to get a glimpse at the heart of your design

so here I stand here I stand on what you built

you are surrounding me and the walls

will never ever ever come down

You built me up like a city of gold

the battles rage but I'm standing tall

you formed my heart like an empire

the wind and rain can't stop this fire

if only I could see it from your perspective

the beauty and the grace of your architecture

There are a million trees blowing in the wind

witnesses of lives already lived

so here I stand here I stand on what you built

you are surrounding me and the walls

will never ever ever come down

Your architecture,

your architecture,

your architecture,

your architecture

Here I stand, here I stand on what you built

you are surrounding me

Here I stand, here I stand on what you built

you are surrounding me

Here I stand, here I stand on what you built

you are surrounding me

And the walls will never ever ever come down

No, the walls will never ever ever come down

stars

Source.

Outlaws

"Outlaws"

by David Lambert

I took you at your word
When you said you would steal my heart
Yeah, this might sound absurd
But would you be my thief
Take all of me, every part
 

 Love, love, love is my crime
So baby, come catch me
And let’s do the time
 

 I think we might be outlaws
I think I might be in love
‘Cause I’m all out of reasons
Like seasons, winter, summer, fall
They’re all washed up
If you’re still way over there
If you slide on in, by my side
‘Cause I’m just an outlaw
Wanted, if you want me
I love you every day
And every night
 

 Oohh
 

 Lock me up for good
Right here in your arms
You vandalized my neighborhood
With your piercing eyes
And devilish charm
 

 Love, love, love is my crime
So baby, come catch me
And let’s do the time
 

 I think we might be outlaws
I think I might be in love
‘Cause I’m all out of reasons
Like seasons, winter, summer, fall
They’re all washed up
If you’re still way over there
If you slide on in, by my side
‘Cause I’m just an outlaw
Wanted, if you want me
I love you every day
And every night
 

 Oohh
 

 Love, love, love is my crime
So baby, come catch me
And let’s do the time
 

 I think we might be outlaws
I think I might be in love
‘Cause I’m all out of reasons
Like seasons, winter, summer, fall
They’re all washed up
If you’re still way over there
If you slide on in, by my side
‘Cause I’m just an outlaw
Wanted, if you want me
 

 Baby, we’re just outlaws
Baby, I’m so in love
‘Cause I’m all out of reasons
Like seasons, winter, summer, fall
They’re all washed up
If you’re still way over there
If you slide on in, by my side
‘Cause I’m just an outlaw
Wanted, if you want me
 

 I’m just an outlaw
Wanted, if you want me
I love you every day
And every nights

This is a Call Out

I remember when I first discovered this song; I thought it was my life to the 'T'. It's like Trevor himself wrote about me, as if I told him all the details of my life and my situation and he wrote it in a song for all to see. 

“She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again.

Then her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don't understand her,
She's a question without answers, who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
She needs to find her purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this, and…”

Thousand Foot Krutch is my second favorite band (of all time). And this song is my second favorite song. I don't think I've ever actually stated either of these facts on this blog. If you've been reading my blog for any long length of time you would know what my favorite song it ('Wishesand Dreams') and who my favorite artist is (Stellar Kart), because I talk about them ALL the time. 

However, TFK has a very special place in my heart and in my life. A private/intimate place.

Whenever I'm going through a medium to difficult situation in my life, my first response is to turn TFK on. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried to myself and/or wrote journal entries with TFK blasting in my ears. I relate to so many of their songs, this song is just one of many songs I feel were taken from my journals.

I discovered TFK at my very first Acquire the Fire event. Ha ha, it really is quite funny how my life kind of revolves around ATF. Anywho, I had just started listening to Christian music and seeing TFK perform live on this huge stage with hundreds of people all around me and their music blaring through the speakers – something just clicked. After the concert I went to their table and I bought all the CD’s they had released at the time. I then went home and listened to their music NON-STOP.

This all happened a few months before my mom died.

I vividly remember sitting in the car, being driven home from school, Air1 playing on the car stereo when this song came through the speakers. Like I said in the beginning of this entry, it was my life to the very detail.

I had just started to self-harm, my mom was in the middle of her fight with pancreatic cancer, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling or thinking. I was so confused, lost and scared; and there was Trevor singing my story.

“She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause every time I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to the place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
'cause I've been this way for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about”

I played this song over and over and over. It became my anthem for a very long time; it became a part of me.

This is one of the songs that started my love affair with music.

Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but remember this hard time in my life. But, I’m glad to say, that I no longer see it with pain and hurt.

God knew what He was doing. He placed me at that ATF, in that seat for a reason. He knew I would connect with TFK. He knew I would become obsessed with their music. And He knew that this song would be the rope I desperately needed to cling to. He knew that seed would get me through the hard years ahead of me.

He gave me a gift; a precious, life altering gift, that I will always be grateful for.

Song: "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch

Hold On, Small One

"Hold On, Small One"

by Loftland

Abandoned on the open water
Surrounded by the crashing waves
I shiver as the sky grows darker
And fear creeps up inside my veins
And now I can't help but wonder
How did I get in over my head
The ship and I are going under
But I can hear a voice that says

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

Washed up on a lonely shoreline
Surrounded by the sky and sand
I try but I can't build no shelter
And hope is slipping through my hands
Oh, I can't help but wonder
How did I get in over my head
I tremble at the coming thunder
But I can hear a voice that says

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

Your ship's going down
And you're going to drown
If you would just take my hand
I'd pull you back out
You're never too far gone or too far out to sea
Your ship's going down
And you're going to drown
If you would just take my hand
I'd pull you back out
You're never too far gone or too far out of reach

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

(Abandoned on the open water)
(Surrounded by the crashing waves)
(I shiver as the sky grows darker)
(And fear creeps up inside my veins)

Natural Imbalance

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctors to get a check-up and the other day I went back to get my results. The tests came back fine and it turns out I’m pretty healthy. I know, shocker to a lot of people.

Any-who, I did have one result that was low and the doctor prescribed me medication to raise it. I got the prescription filled and as I was reading the little paper that came with it (what it is, what it does and what the side effects are) I laughed silently to myself.

Side effects: hair loss, increased sweating, sensitivity to heat, mental/mood changes, tiredness, diarrhea, shaking (tremor), headache and shortness of breath.

I have most of these “symptoms” on a daily basis (without taking anything). How in the world am I supposed to know if they’re being caused by the medication?!?

Oh, the natural imbalance of the human body. Gotta love it. Ha ha.

Where You Belong

"Where You Belong"

by Kari Kimmel

If you're feeling down or weak
You can always count on me
I will always pick you up
Nothing's ever gonna change
Nothing's gettin' in my way
I will always hold you up

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday

It's not where you come from
It's where you belong
Nothin' I would trade
I wouldn't have it any other way
You're surrounded
By love and you're wanted
So never feel alone
You are home with me
Right where you belong

I know sometimes you're feeling lost
It's hard to find your place in it all
But you don't have to fear
Even when you mess up
You always got my love
I'm always right here
Oh, cause

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday

Oooo Oooo
Don't matter where you've been
Oooo Oooo
You're here for a reason

Oooo Oooo
Nooo

Puppy in the Stroller

Since October I’ve been walking the dogs on and off on a daily basis. After Christmas, I noticed that Mona started getting really tired half way through our walk.

This got me thinking… we’ve had Mona for about eight years. We rescued her from a family member, who got her from someone else. Mona was used as a breeding dog for years before we got her. So, with this guessmathiation that puts her at around 13, maybe 14 years old.

Every morning I drive me and the puppies to the park, where we walk the park three times. In the beginning of January, I started placing Mona back in the car after only one walk around, because I knew she couldn’t keep up – and I felt awful about it.

A few months back, I heard about a cat stroller. And I thought, “That would work”. So I started looking online and at local pet stores to see if I could find a reasonably priced one; but had no luck.

Then, over the weekend I went to the swap met with my family and guess what I ran into?! A doggie stroller, after a little haggling I got it for an unbelievable price of $25.

As soon as I got home I set the stroller up and ran outside to grab Mona. I slowly adjusted her to it; letting her see it, getting her close to it, moving it around her, me holding her and moving it. After a couple of minutes I placed her in it, without closing it up, I played with her, petted her and gave her kisses. I then zipped her in and pushed her down the street and back. To say she LOVED IT would be an understatement.

So the next day, I walked Mona (and the other dogs) one time around the park and then we headed back to the car and I pulled the stroller out of the trunk. As soon as the stroller was out of the car and in the upright position, Mona walked right to it and sat next to it panting – she knew what it meant. I threw Mona in, zipped her up and she was ready to go. The other dogs on the other hand…

It took Boo a couple of minutes to get use to being hooked up to it, but she adjusted quickly. However, Parker being the baby that he is, acted like he was going to die. It took him a full circle around the park to realize that the stroller wasn’t going to kill him and that he couldn’t escape from it.

After a couple of days, all the dogs seem to have adjusted well. I’ve gotten a few weird looks and laughs with pushing a puppy in a stroller around. But Mona loves it and I don’t have to leave her behind. It’s a win, win.

With all the new adjustments to accommodate Mona, it’s really made me realize how fast time is moving. I’m slowly starting to realize that Mona is slowing down; she’s become less active and sleeps so much more. My sweet little psycho angel is coming to the end of her life – and that frightens me.

All I can do is continue to give her all my love, care, attention and make the rest of her life as amazing as possible… And continue to spoil her.