Inner Screams of Frustration

Have you ever stripped everything away and just focused on Christ? Have you ever completely separated yourself from everything and just prayed for days straight? Have you ever taken a vow of silence to hear Christ’s voice? Have you ever just sat and waited for Christ to engulf you? Me neither – but I will have the chance this weekend.

This weekend is the Fasting – Vision LTE (Life Transforming Event). The fasting LTE is when we fast for about three and half days; we take a vow of silence; we’re not allowed to write letters, emails, or texts; we’re not allowed to listen to music, besides corporate worship time; the only book we’re allowed to read is the Bible; and we’re only allowed to drink water. Every distraction is completely stripped away from us and we are to focus only on God; seek His presence, guidance and “vision” for our life. The fasting started last night (Wednesday) and the vow of silence along with all the other restrictions will kick in tonight (Thursday) around 10pm. The fast will continue until Sunday morning around 8am. I’m very excited about this LTE Fast, but am also nervous.

I want to know what God has for me; I want to know what great things I’m going to do for Him, to further His kingdom. But I’m scared that I won’t be able to make that connection with Christ. I’m afraid that even having every distraction stripped away from me, I still won’t be able to focus only on God. I’m afraid that all my guilt, fears, and insecurities will hold me back and keep me from having that intimacy with God.

I’m afraid that I am incapable of all the great things I know God has in store for me. I’m afraid that I won’t trust God in this life-changing weekend and that I won’t get anything out of it. I’m afraid I’m going to waste this weekend; like I’ve done with the first few years of my life.

I’m afraid that I’m going to fail him.

I’m afraid.